I have made a big mess of my marriage. He tried telling me for a while, but I could not see what I was doing wrong. He has been unfaithful to me and has been utilizing the internet to hook-up or attempt to hook-up for sometime now.

I believe that this has wrecked my self esteem and made me into a person he just doesn't want to be around anymore. But HE did not do this. I am responsible for MY actions. I know...he cheated. Of course I became an emotional disaster. But MY emotions drove him away and now I want to fix it. He told me a long time ago that he believes he has an addiction and I ignored him. I became defensive. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be there to help him and be supportive.. but now he doesn't want me near him.

He has asked for a divorce and moved into the spare bedroom. Actually, I moved him into the spare bedroom.. but now I want him back. The past few weeks have been the worst and I have done some of the stupidest things out of anger and hurt.. so now it is me who needs to apologize. How do I get him to hear me?? I can't say anything straight to him, he just gets mad at the preaching. How do I get him to get help for his addiction without "blaming" him again? I just want another chance to show him that I can make him happy. I know that I can. And together and with God we can go to therapy for ourselves and for us.

God has shown a light into my own faults and mistakes this past weekend. I am working at fixing what I can. I just pray that my husband is around long enough for me to show him. I also pray that the Lord speaks to his heart and shows a light into his sexual addiction and that of his (and Gods) volition he chooses to go to therapy. I pray that this pain in my heart and in my gut goes away. The pain I get when I imagine him with another woman. I pray that he can forgive me for the stupid and wrong things I have done to get back at him and to hurt myself because of all the anger and pain I have been feeling. I have received forgiveness from God. How do I get it from my husband?? How do I fix this mess?

Please pray that God will show His love and mercy and strength into this marriage. I know all things are possible through Christ. I just want one more chance to show I can be ME and not be controled by emotions. I can be the woman that he loves.

PN, so sorry to see you here and in pain.

I know all must seem lost right now and it's hard to keep your head up, but you have come to the right place for help if such is possible. The addiction you speak of is to porn?

Do you and your husband have children?

Hang in there, okay?

You have made a big mess of your marriage because your H is trawling the web for pickups ?

Whoa lady ! Unless you put a gun to his head and forced him to do that, its HIS choice.

Dr harley says that MB doesnlt work where a spouse is addicted. If your H is really a sex addict , rather than just a slut, you seriously need pro help.

For YOU study here and learn that you did not force your H to cheat on you. And learn how to be all teh wife you can be ready for when your H's addiction can be diagnosed or dealt with.

For what its worth theres nothing more sickening than a grovelling BS to a wayward mind. Be dignified.

Time to deal with the facts of your situation. Its the easy way out to blame yourself - the only one you can control. I know I've ben there.

Be calm. there is hope.

Study here and find a sex addiction help resource near you.

All blessings.

Longhorn,

Thank you for your support.

Addiction to porn... I wish. No he likes real live women in a very intimate way. He likes porn too, but only if it is pictures of real live women that he has the possibility of meeting.

We do not have children. He has a 15yr old son from one of his previous marriages. I am his forth wife.

I just refuse to give up. I know that this is because of the addiction and not "us". But, that doesn't change how much it hurts. Actually, right now, what hurts the most is that he wants to leave... just when I realized the work that we both need to do to fix our marriage. Prior to that my reaction to his infidelities was completely emotional and left no room for recovery for either of us. I just can't get him to understand the NOW I understand. That now, I want to work on me and be there for him. Which is what he asked me 6 months ago. I just pray that the Lord changes his mind before it is too late. I know that God works on his own time clock, but I am about to come out of my skin. I want to just yell at my husband about what he promised me and convince him to go to SA and back to therapy, but he has no interest because of "how I treat him". I treat him that way because it is my reaction to him being with other women. I am willing to work on it. I am more that willing to work on it. I just need him to commit to doing the same. But he does not want to be with me anymore.

I refuse to give up because I know he loves me and I refuse to just give him up because he doesn't want to work on it. His addiction will still be with him no matter where he goes and then I have lost the love of my life because he had a new play thing that won't last more that a few months. I do not want to do that.

I know the Lord will show him to himself and he will agree to do the right thing for him, us, his relationship with his son, and his relationship with God.

Thanks again.

b0b pure,

I'm sorry for the confusion in my post. I am not blaming myself for his addiction or infidelities. I am blaming myself because I did not have the tools to respond to it the way that he needed. Instead I let it eat at me and then, I ate at him. My lack of respect, back-bitting, emotional out-bursts, crying, rudeness, and over all acting a fool, has driven him away. I did not accept this issue as an addiction and therefore gave him no support. Like I would any other person with an addiction or disease. But now, I am learning about his addiction and I want to help him. I also want to work on me. He needs me to be a good wife, just as bad as I need him to be a good husband. I have now developed a clear understanding of this, but he is too put-off by my mood-swings, etc, and does not want to stay married or attend therapy to at least give it a try as healthy people.

Please pray that the Lord will speak to his heart and give me the strength to bite my tongue and give support through all my hurt.

Thanks for your comments and support.

PN

I will pray as should you...but I believe God steers a moving ship.

Work to get the help your H needs and invest in yourself as you pray.

All blessings

PN, my heart goes out to you but, as BP said, an addiction stands in the way of anything to be done for your marriage at the moment. There can be no progress in marital recovery until that is dealt with.

Now...were I you, I'd go to a doctor and get him or her to prescribe antidepressants for you. That’s because right now, the only thing you can work on is you.

Second, I’d work on changing your own behavior to something like what Dr. Harley recommends for a Plan A. Information on that is available here on the website. PN, you cannot recover your marriage if your husband perceives you as needy. It’s a very unattractive thing to be, as well as observe.

Third, I think you would benefit very highly from a good, well-experienced Individual Counselor (IC). Frankly, once you’re on anti-depressants and you have yourself under some control, you need to make some hard decisions about the rest of your life. I think a good counselor could help you move yourself out of the depression you’re in now to a place where you can make some sound judgments.

Hang in there, PN. This will be a long struggle, and most of it will be your husband’s. That’ll be completely beyond your control.

Take that first step, okay? Check with your doctor, get the anti-depressants and see if your doctor can recommend a good counselor for you.

Take care, lady.

Longhorn,

I will go see a doctor and I am seeking support in many places.

I do definetly thank you for the advice about being needy. It is a fine line for me. Being needy and trying to show that I love him. I am constantly in prayer about how to pull back and let him work through this. I know that this new woman in just temporary. I can wait and then together we can become healthy. It just is not so easy to do. I am afraid that sometime during the wait, I will lose him. I don't want to lose him to some fling. He may think its more, right now. But he will do the samething to her and she will not give him the support I am offering (although seemingly too late).

I don't want to lose him because he wants to take the easy route. Just for him to realize that he needs help later.

Thanks again.

Prayers, I'll pray for you tonight. I'm a husband who is trying to get his wife back. She told me in March that she didn't love me and was in an affair.

But, for you; good for you! Keep going. I just talked to a friend of mine. He is a former WH. I heard his side of the coin. He married his lover, but. And this is a BIG BUT . . . he clearly said he thought things may have been different if his x wife was willing to change. His x wife never gave him any indication she wanted him back, or that she could ever trust him again. Don't you ever believe that what your husband did was excusable, but draw hope from what my friend told me. Divorce makes people think. You put that together with a spouse who is humble and wants to work on change and restoring love, then ... then... Well, let's just say I'm in your shoes, but from the other side of the marriage. I'm praying for the return of my wife as you are praying for the return of your husband.

Prayers have you seen this site:

restoreministries.net

I've read their online material myself.

help-w-wife,

Thank you so much for your prayers and your comments. It is nice to hear from someone who's been there (or is there).

I am so overwhelmed right now and prayer has really helped to atleast keep me sane. I am praying for a miracle. I really believe that he loves me and I want to be there for him.

Thanks again.

Was this addiction the reason for the demise of his prior three marriages? Were those divorces? Was he unfaithful in those marriages?

You need to focus sweetie-- and not on your WH. There are a lot of GOOD people on this site who can guide you in MB methods (not me unfortunately, I found MB after the fact). But from what I've read so far, this may go deeper than just infidelity.

Praying for your peace and God's perfect will in your life.

(((Prayers Needed)))

princessmeggy,

Yes. He cheated during his other marriages too. He has only admitted to cheating during his 3rd marriage... but, he has denied many, many things.

He tried to tell me he was a sex addicte and I thought he was making an excuse. If he is an addict then what he did is not his fault. But now I have looked into the addiction and he is clearing a Sex, Love Addict.

What is crazy about this whole thing... This has been my biggest fear. I think a small part of me was willing to live with the cheating. Afterall, it's only sex and he really only loves me. The greatest fear in my life is that he would leave me for someone else. He can't seem to see that it isn't love, it's just something new. I love him and he loves me. We can get help and get the tools to fix this. If I had realiized this just a few months earlier, we would be in recovery right now. I am so scared that he is going to abandon me.... for something that isn't real.

Thank you for your support.