The fight we had today started after dinner. We started to clean the kitchen and just before everything was cleaned up, he went down stairs without saying a word. I continued to clean up, and made a comment “that’s alright, I’ll wipe the dishes”, he responded by saying that he was going to do that later. So I relaxed a bit after that and decided I should ask him something, so we decided to go out for a smoke break and before we went out I said, “ Ok, I left the dishes for you, but next time, could you just let me know”. He got upset with me and wondered why I was doing this, I said that I just would like to know in the future so I don’t feel like I am left holding the bag” Just to tell me is something along the lines as, I will finish those up later, or would you mind finishing them, I just want to go watch TV, or something like that. He said I was being petty. I just want to be informed as to what is going on! Then he say that why can’t I just let it go, he says he usually does the dishes and this one time that he forgets I come down on him. He says that I should just let it go for a year and wait to see what happens. I said that if someone in a relationship has an issue, it should be brought up right away and not left to fester, and that all I was doing was making a simple request for him to just let me know one way or the other, do I do the dishes or leave them! I said that I just want him to communicate with me, which is a big problem we have. He said that I wasn’t being loving in the way I asked, and I said that was because in the past when I brought up something he went on the defensive right away and treated my issue as petty. I mentioned the last time I mentioned my feelings he did the same thing. He got an email from a friend of his asking him to go to a baseball game and that way the girls could go shopping. Right away I felt uncomfortable with the idea because I don’t really know this girl and I feel uncomfortable going shopping with someone I don’t really know, and also that before we discussed that next time we go to the city, that I would like to meet up with an old friend. He said I was being selfish and that all this girl needed was a friend and that she’s not a supermodel like me (Whatever!!) and that I should go because that’s a way I could get to know her. I said that I really feel uncomfortable doing that and I always have felt that way around people I don’t know, he told me to get out of my shell. He doesn’t seam to understand that I have different feelings than him and that he should care about them. I told him that. He is not going to the game now because I am not going to go shopping with this girl I met once and know nothing about and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. I told him to go and just to kindly decline on my part and to say that I have had wanted to make plans for a long time with an old friend. He refused saying it will hurt her feelings and I would look like a ******!!! Then he goes to say that he will go next year by himself and leave me at home. I mentioned counseling and I am calling tomorrow, he said I will be going by myself. By the way, we have only been married for a month and together for 2 years. Is this worth it? Am I being selfish and petty, am I wrong? I am so distraught and upset and tired of feeling like I should leave. I know I can’t force him to go to counseling. What should I do? Please someone help I really need advice!

First, read everything on this site, focusing on the basic concepts, articles and letters from Dr. Harley. The message boards can be interesting, but we assume you’ve got the basics.

Next, avoid getting in a tit-for-tat with you husband like last night. Instead of asking him a question, which can put him on the defensive, be upfront with a nice “I feel” statement. The trick to “I feel” statements is you follow it up with a Feeling or emotion. Following up with a Thought doesn’t work. So, you could say “I felt confused when you walked out of the kitchen without saying anything.” Or “I felt abandoned when you went downstairs and didn’t tell me you were leaving.”

Now, for clarity’s sake, here’s what you shouldn’t say “I feel you should tell me what you’re doing or not doing about the dishes.” That’s really a thought. And even “I felt you abandoned me with the dishes when you went down stairs without a word” doesn’t cut it. It’s not an emotion.

For whatever reason, “I feel… when…” seems to work really well, and the other person doesn’t feel attacked.

I think some of this may be a division of labor issue. Who’s going to do what, when and how. Many men (and women) have unconscious ideas about division of labor. If you go the traditional route, it’s fairly clear who does what when. But, if you’re less traditional, you may need to negotiate it some. Try different ideas, like one night each week, one of you does all the cooking and cleaning up. The other nights you both work at both.

If you can only get your husband on board with one marriage concept, I suggest the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). The jist of it is neither spouse does anything the other doesn’t enthusiastically agree with. The key word is “enthusiastically.” This will protect you each from making sacrifices that build resentment, and it forces negotiating with a win-win mindset.

Take the baseball game. He wants to go with his friend. You don’t want to go shopping with the friend’s wife because you don’t know her very well. So, you two could come up with alternative solutions. You have this couple over to your house to dinner two weeks before the game so that you get to know her better. Or you all four go to the game. Or you and the wife go to the movies (don’t have to talk) instead of the game. Or you both get to stay home. And since you want to see your old friend, you go into the city a different weekend to see her. Or you go for a quick shopping trip then go to the second half of the game.

If you are a model, or just look like one, it may be really hard for your husband to understand that you are shy. He may think “What’s there to be shy about? She’s gorgeous, she’s smart, she’s funny. Everyone wants to be her.” I’m not sure you make him understand. Just emphasize how this is something you are working on, but the discomfort and stress of being with people you don’t know well is overwhelming, and it would be so much easier if he were there.

BTW, I’m often very uncomfortable with people I don’t know well. My boyfriend calls me “quirky.” Combine quirkiness with some leftover shyness and not having a clue what to talk to most of the Moms at school about, and you have agonizing school functions!

Hi Greengables and thanks for the advice. I was completely upset all day today because of his harsh words and put downs, but I tried to put them aside this afternoon when he came home. I welcomed him home but that was about it. Minor conversation while watching Dr. Phil. I didn't even eat dinner tonight I was so upset and hurt. After dinner I went downstairs to where he was and sat down beside him and I told him That I was still upset because of his words from last night. He said that he knows and that he has been thinking about it all day and that he now knows that he has an anger issue and he will work on it. He said he was sorry and he doesn't know why he got so upset by my question and that usually he would have not over-reacted to it. So that was it. BUT there is one other problem we have, and that is his drinking. In the 2 hours that he was home, he managed to drink 6 bottles of beer. I said to him that I have done some reading and that if he wants to drink then I will have to distance myself from him when he does. I said that his drinking is not good for our relationship, not good for me, for him or for our daughter (Shes 10). I also told him that I have printed stuff from this web site, plus books on alcohol and that I will leave them ob the dresser for him to read. I also told him that I know I can't stop him and that he has to be the one to want to stop and that I would just like him to read the stuff. He said he would. So here to hope! I guess just take things day by day.

Hi, Pink. I'm glad you talked.

Make sure not to nag him about MB or use it as a weapon to get him to do what you want. That's a sure fire way to turn him off of it.

One thing that is interesting about anger is that it is a secondary emotion. We get angry because we're hurt or afraid. Now, that doesn't excuse an Angry Outburst or abuse or anything else. HOwever, when your husband gets angry, try and see what's going on underneath. Maybe he's scared because something went wrong at work. Maybe he's hurt because he thought you'd do the dishes. This could be the case if domestic support is one of his needs. If DS is a top five need for him, he may have intrepretted having to do the dishes as you not loving him as much as he expected.


HUGS.

pink, get out NOW! Run, do not walk, to the nearest divorce lawyer. This guy is either an alcoholic or on his way and if you stay with him his "anger" problem will turn into a domestic violence problem and a black eye problem for you. This guy is too much trouble. He's already too controlling and blowing up over nothing and drinking! You've only been married a month and I assume no children, so just consider it a learning experience and move on. Otherwise, he'll make your life a living ******.