Cherished, I'm off to bed now (UK), but will think about this.

I get frustrated at the fact that I get NOTHING back when what I'm saying isn't what he wants to hear. I'm worried that I'll say "I was upset," and he'll say nothing and never talk about it, and if I raise the issue again he'll say "We discussed that already" and clam up.

I don't think I should have to handle this like I'm in a war zone. We're supposed to be both on the side of the marriage, aren't we?

TA

If your husband thinks like my husband thinks, then his definition of care is "You support me in doing whatever I think makes me happy." With that definition, you would be happy for him to be happy having an affair.

If you object to anything he does, then by his definition of care, you are uncaring. You aren't on the same team. You are an enemy of his happiness.

I know, it sounds off the wall. In April, 2006, Harley asked me to ask my husband what he considers to be care. It was a question that provided a lot of insight to me. You may not understand point 2, but in December, 2005, I told him that he had to spend 15 hours per week alone with me or I was divorcing him. He spent the time and made sure it was miserable. If you look at point 3, it is precisely that I support him in doing what makes him happy even if I think it is negative for me.

Here was my husband's definition of care:

"1) I anticipate and meet his needs. If I do not anticipate his needs and he must complain, then I do not care about him. If I respond to a complaint, it doesn't matter -- because he never should have had to complain in the first place.

2) I drop the 15 hour ultimatum because I am making a demand and not considering what he thinks about spending that amount of time with me. As it is now, I am showing lack of care in making a unilateral decision about how much time we must spend together. I am not considering his feelings and whether he is in the emotional condition to spend so much time with me.

3) I support him in doing what he thinks is best. I change my mindset so that I do not consider it a sacrifice to support him in his doing something that is positive for him even if I think it is negative for me. If I care about him, I should be happy when he does what is positive for him.

4) I can tell him my concerns but should not have any expectations regarding how he addresses them. It is abusive to have expectations."

Cherished

TA - your husband sounds EXACTLY like mine. This pathetic silence is unbearable. I find it rude and insulting and I know there is nobody else on earth he would do it do. I challenged mine on Sunday morning over something and then he didn't talk to me at all until last night and then it was just a few words before he took himself off to bed with his book.

I believe that my husband won't change because he is a very stubborn man and doesn't want to. Well done on getting your husband to MC - mine said, "if I'm not going to talk to you, I'm not going to talk to them, am I?"

I'd say he's still got a pretty wayward mentality.