I have read much hear and my WS has said and done all the typical things I have read. After 9 weeks of telling me she wants out and going to couseling, she finally admitted to the adultry. The last 3 months have been lies from her and my (Ex)friend, the one she was with. I went through days of pain as she swore me to tell no one. I really do believe it is over. Yesterday I told her sister who told her Mom. They both suspected it but were afraid to tell me. The didn't know I found out last week. They are not mad at me at all, they are mad at her. So, here is where I am at. She confessed, but swore me to secrecy. I betrayed that trust and feel bad. Messed up huh? She betrayed me and I still care about her. She did the typical screaming her head off at me last night.

History: We've been married 13 years, and all seemed ok with me. I can't say I was miserable, as she now claims she has been for 2 years. She has been asking for more conversation yet she focused 100% on the 3 kids, I was bottom of the totem pole, as I put it. We didn't have much 1:1 conversation time at all. I was pretty involved with work but I'm family man. We spend all our weekends together and go on vactions together. I'm very close to my girls. We took each other for granted as we focused on our kids and our future, that opened the door for what she did. I know it does not excuse it and it is unacceptable but that is the history.

I have not been on these boards near as long as some of the others who will give you better advice, however I wanted to share that our marriage situations are very similar. My WH (EA) and I have been married 10 years, have 2 DS and have made almost no 1:1 time for each other because I focused on the kids and he had to work so much that when he wasn't working, he was being a good dad. I may have opened the door for what my husband did, but he still made all the decisions, as did your wife.

I would say in regards to you telling family members about this even when she said not to, that that was a good decision. She betrayed your trust by cheating on you and to ask you to "keep her secret" will only make it harder for the affair to end. (Pro's correct me if I am wrong on this one PLEASE!)

I am sure you will get more sound advice from the pro's who have been on here much longer, but I wanted to just put in my $.02 for whatever it's worth and tell you to hang in there. The advice will come and you will discover things about yourself that you either didn't know or didn't think you knew! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you. What is so confusing for me is that she (my WS) has been an excellent mother to our daughters. I couldn't ask for a better Mom and she tells me she doesn't know a better Dad. That being said, I feel she has a point that I turned her family against her, she is now so irritated with me and "beaten down" she cannot function as a mother. She tells me reality is that after divorce she'll be the primary care giver as our state is "no fault?" so if I don't stop I'm hurting the kids by hurting her so much. A bit manapulative, yes, but it is true, her being this unhappy is not good for the kids. uugghh. If the affair is over, am I just creating more pain and agony? She tells me the marriage is over, so really, why should I care?... The thing is, I think she'll come around and we can solve this for the whole family. So I worry about making it worse or what is best at this point. I'm at that point of care, love, and disgust, and hurt all in one, back and forth.

Expose the affair to everyone, and yes, she will be angry. Is the other man married?

She's admitted it was the biggest mistake of her life to me, her Mom, and her sister now. She sees the other man is not the person she thought he was, she has cut off all communcation with him and told him they cannot even be friends. I can't see demoralizing her more. Yes, he is married.

Dear Broken:

First let me say that I am sorry that you are here but welcome to MB. If you will implement and follow the tools espoused by the Harley's on this site without exception, it will give your marriage the best chance of recovery. You will find that many of the principles that are promoted here may be difficult to follow at certain times but in the long run, the most successful recoveries are built around a complete adherence to these principles.

As for exposing this affair, even though you may not think it was wise at this time, in the long run it was an absolute neccesity. Most will tell you that exposure is the best tool in your tool box to stop the affair if it is still in progress and to keep it from being rekindled longer term. I will offer you two different reasons why that exposure should be done even where the affair has been ended for a long time with no chance of renewal. First, as you read the sitchs of many of us who have been in your shoes, you will find that over the next two years you most likely will go through several phases or cycles. They are almost as predictable as your wifes actions during her affair. Especially around the 6-9 month stage in your recovery, you will most likely struggle with some resentment and/or entitlement issues. During this time, it is especially important to have a support system for you to continue your journey in recovery. A very good individual and marriage counselor is vital especially early on. However, even 1 year or more after the AE there will be times that you could use someone to talk to and if none of the family knows, it is kind of hard to bring it up then leaving you alone and your wounds to fester instead of healing. Secondly, your wifes actions by having this affair were in poor judgement and affected many others by her actions. If she has no consequences for her actions, it can cause even more resentment for you as you go through recovery. You will feel like that she got all the benefits of her escapade and you were left holding the bag. This is not a good environment for recovery.

Exposure is not about punishment. Exposure, first and foremost is about showing the affair the light of day knowing that these thrive in secrecy and rarely survive when done in broad day light. Exposure to all parties, parents, siblings, employers, OMW, etc. puts pressure on the AE to end and stay ended. In this vein, if the OM wife does not know, she deserves to know and you should expose to her. I know this makes many uncomfortable but I have been on the other side of this and my life would have been much easier had the OMW told me when she first knew.

It is pretty normal for the WW to turn all of these things around on you. Rewriting maritial history, justification for her actions, and blowing up at your exposure, etc. is the motis operandi of the wayward. Discuss this with your wife and tell her as Pepperband did that either she needs to confront the OM wife and inform her or you will do it. Arrange this so that there is not time for your WW and OM to start damage and spin control. Just do it. You won't regret this exposure long term.

Now for a few tips on how to start your own journey in this process. This board is a great resource but I would strongly suggest finding both an individual and marriage counselor to help you through this ordeal. The Harleys are very good and are definately pro-marriage. There are probably local alternatives for you but make sure that the counselor you choose is pro-marriage.

Secondly, read up on Plan A on this site and implement it immediately. Plan A is really about understanding your wifes needs and trying to meet those needs. She likely will resist allowing you to meet those needs (mostly out of guilt) but show her your best side. Long term, should you choose to try and recover the marriage, you will find that trying to meet your wife's needs and eventually her doing the same for you, will allow your marriage to be much stronger and intimate than it was ever before the A. Your marriage can never be the same, but it can be even better than you ever imagined before the affair.

Lastly, this board is a great resource for communicating with others who are in a similar situation or have been at some point in their life. If your wife is serious about trying to recover her marriage, try to get her here. There are many resources for her as well as you. However, if you are both here I would suggest that you refrain from reading and posting on each others posts. Study about lovebusters on this site and avoid them. I have seen a lot of lovebusters where both parties were posting on the same thread here. Make deposits in her lovebank and avoid the withdrawals (lovebusters). Even if you choose not to stay in the marriage, you will build the foundation for a truly intimate relationship with someone down the road.

It is hard for a BS the first few months. Shock, dismay, anger, resentment, entitlement, saddness, fear all describe feelings you will most likely have at some point. A good counselor can prescribe you an AD which really helps smooth out the fluctuations in your emotions. Don't be afraid of these medications. Most likely it is short term and the trauma that you have gone through has often been described a nearly as bad as losing a loved one.

I would also suggest that you might move your post over the GQ II on this site. There is a lot more traffic there and some tremendous posters who can guide you through this process in between sessions with your counselors.

NT

Be sure to expose the affair to his wife.

You messed up?? Nah, not at all. You betrayed her trust?? Absolutely not. There is no trust with a wayward. She is the one who has lied and manipulated. She is the one who made her poor choices. She is the one who should bear the burden of those choices. Can she be forgiven...absolutely. Should she be forgiven...according to God, once repentent she should be forgiven, not just by God but also by those who she transgressed against i.e. you, your kids, her family, the OM wife.

At this point, your focus should be on implementing whatever tools you have to save your marriage. Exposure is the best one. Secondly, you should be concerned about helping yourself in your personal recovery...not about worrying about betraying a trust that she and she alone made a choice to invalidate.

As for forgiveness, that will come with time. Focus right now on acceptance. Accept the fact that your marriage will never be the same. If you still love her and want to recover that marriage, the opportunity and choice is yours at this point. It is not easy but there are many testaments on this site that it can be done and that the end result is certainly worth the price.

At this point, she is likely in the fog and you are the target for all kinds of pysco babble. Read some of the posts on the fog and particularly read Orchid's responses on how to reverse babble. She is brilliant in this regard.

Let us know what challenges you are facing, what your thoughts are regarding trying to save this marriage and what your wife's thoughts are and we can help you through.

NT

This is not atypical. Prior to and after the affair, my wife was an excellent mother and care giver. She was and is a good wife. During her affair, it was all about her and she was not a good wife or caregiver. Somehow she rationalized that she deserved the endorphin high that she experienced with her partner and consequently if she was happy then somehow she would be a better caregiver.

Kids are always better off with two happy parents operating as a team. Life does not always give that option. If you want to save this marriage, tell her that you refuse to give her the out of the divorce. Tell her that you will commit to whatever it takes to make the marriage work but that you refuse to live in a loveless marriage and divorce is not an option.

Don't fall into the trap to allow her to manipulate and transpose her poor choices on to you. She made the poor choice and says she now realizes it. You made no choices, but are know left carrying the burden. She has an obligation to you and to the kids to do whatever is necessary to try and rebuild your relationship and create an environment that is healthy and fulfilling for all of your family, including the kids and you.

Recovering a marriage after an affair is really hard work. Eventually it takes both partners committing substantial resources. However, as unfair as it may seem...early on in the recovery you will carry the load. If successful, she will respect and love you more than you ever imagined.

For her benefit, try and have her read some of Smart Cookies early post. She was a WW that really did not think that she wanted to stay in the marriage. When she came here she was convinced that it was in everyones best interest to keep her fling a secret. Eventually she was convinced that a healthy relationship can only be built on radical honesty, she confessed, worked through their issues and now are living happily ever after.

As for exposure to the other man's wife...it is imperative. I did not find out about my FWW's A for more than ten years after AE even though OMW knew long ago. This caused some really difficult, gut wrenching feelings for me to work through in my recovery. OMW deserves to know and you have an obligation to tell her. Read some of my other posts regarding this and then make up your mind. Your wife will be torqued when you bring this up but...at this point, she believes that she is exiting the marriage and just wants you to make it easy for her. What do you have to lose by doing all the things that will make your likelihood of success in saving your marriage greater?

NT

Well I'm seeing a counselor, and she is seeing a counselor. She had not told her couselor the truth. I had the opportunity to do that last week after I was informed by her and we had a joint session to go over where we are in the counseling. She was irritated to say the least. That is when I started reading more here.

I started anti-depressants for the first time this weekend as she resumed hers 4 weeks ago. She had been on them for 2 years then thought she could be off them. Somehow I think that contributed to the mess. A fog plus depression for her.

I do intend to call the other man's spouse.

I'm seeking a pro-marriage counselor but she is resistant at this point in time.

One last point. It is probalby obvious but I'm not perfect but I can change. I never had emotional wonderings or an affair, but I'm not perfect.

It sounds like you are doing the right things.

None of us are perfect.

Keep reading and posting. This site and the information here will be a great help through recovery.

Have you considered counseling with the Harley's?