Hello all!
Firt time poster hoping someone that has been in my shoes can offer some help/assistance/advice.

Background: Been together for 10yrs, married for 5 (just celebrated it) 1 son, 19 months.

Last Sept my wife told me she was in love with another man but it was not physical. He gave her the attention I did not. We "worked" things out for a while (so I thought) Then in December she moved in for a week with her parents. We started counseling for 3 months, she said things were back on track and she even said thank you for "taking" me back. She was very appologetic and counseling taught us both a lot about ourselves and our marriage.
Over the last 5 months we have done some wonderfull things together, hot air ballon ride, weekend get aways, date nights etc. I thought things were going great, we did some home redecorating together, talked about baby #2, talked about vacation this summer and all the things we wanted to do.
THEN! Bam she says it is not working and she has been "trying" she wants it to work but it just isn't there anymore. She said she can't stay in our house, she loves me some days but some days it isn't there, she said she just can't be married right now. She wants to live on her own for a while.??
So, we are curently in a trial seperation, only a week to date. She moved in with a friend (female) and my son sleeps in "our" house. Here is where I need the advice....

She sends me text messages asking how I am doing, asking me if I am mad at her. She said I am acting funny. She will not come back home and will not reenter counseling.
What do I do? She wont tell her parents (scared) and asked me not to either. She has removed her wedding band and engagement ring but still wears the 5 yr anniversary band I just bought her.
My stance is give her the space she asked for but when I do she asks me if I am OK. What does she think, she abanded the family and hurt me. I am keeping a level head, no fights, no yelling. I am kinda cold to her right now, my guard is up what can I say.
We talked about divorce but she told me she can't answer it right now. She is on the fence..what does that mean? She still stops at the house "to pick up a few things" If she really wanted it to end wouldn't she take all her stuff? She still asks me about my day, wants to be involved.

Advice? Thanks to all!!!

Hello bennet,

Welcome to Marriage Builders (MB).

Well,I hate to say it but I am pretty convinced your
wife (W) is still having an affair( A).There are many telltale signs we have all been through: wanting to be on her own,can't be married "right now",moving out (so she can continue her A without intereference by you),confusion,back and forth commintment to you and probably the other man (OM),wedding rings come off,and the classic ILYBINILWY
(I love you but I'm not "in love" with you).Lots of clues that most all cheaters display.Also being on the "fence" or what we call being cake-eaters: they just can't decide what relationship to be in.She has ties to you,her marriage and the kids yet the OM is trying to get to her too for his own agenda.She's pulled in 2 directions: one honorable,the other sleaze city.

Cheaters are liars too so I wouldn't doubt that she actually did have sex with the OM too.Sorry to say.Sometimes people can have what's called an
EA (emotional affair) where there is no sex but emotional connections can be just as real and damaging to marriages.

I would suggest you read all the concepts here and do some reading and introduce yourself over on the General Questions (GQII) board since that should be your first start.Most people there are in the midst of the A process and there will be many responses to what you should be considering ok? It's a bit early to be here on the divorce board.If you want to fight for the marriage,you have to understand what you are dealing with intimately so you know what steps to take.Read up on exposure,plans' A/B,and start checking/snooping for info like credit card bills,phone bills,etc.If you don't know who this OM is then you do need to find out.

Also ,some great reads usually suggested are: HNHN (His Needs,Her Needs),**SAA( Surviving an Affair), one book I really liked was " NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.This one explains affairs and how they start and transform really well.

Hope this helps to start.Know that you are not alone.There are many supportive people here who will be brutally honest but very helpful too.We have all been there,done that,at all different stages.

Hang in there.It's a rough ride.

P.S.

A few acronyms you should get to know but thtere is a list on the Just Found Out board:

WW-wayward wife
OM-other man
OP-other person
WS-wayward spouse
BS-betrayed spouse
BH-betrayed husband
BW-betrayed wife
A-affair
PA-physical affair
MC-marriage counseling/counselor
IC-individual counseling
EA-emotional affair

Ditto what American Beauty said.

I’d like to add this. My thought was your wife probably ended the affair, but either never ended contact, or recently had contact with OM again.

You should immediately read up on Surviving an Affair and Plan A. Part of Plan A is exposure. You do not have to honor her wishes not to tell her parents. If she was separated from you with good reason, she would be looking to her parents for support. Instead, she’s worried they will interfere.

Make sure your child continues to sleep in your home. Keep his routine as normal as possible. Meanwhile, make it clear you intend to do your part to make this marriage work, that you want to be married to her, and that being happily married to each other is the best of all possible worlds. The key words there are “happily” and “best.”

Fence sitting is good if it doesn’t last too long. It means you can still win the war. Just so long as she doesn’t decide what she really wants is to be married to you and keep her OM (whether it’s just emotional or not).

I know all about the OM, his name, adress, phone number, currently divorced, has kids, wife name etc etc. I did the snooping part, but one thing I never did was call him and tell him to back off. One night, before she "left" goes like this, by 9pm she decided it is over and she would make the 'arrangments' as I said flat out I would not. By 10pm she was asleep in our bed.

Tell your in-laws.

Expose, expose, expose.

Find out who the OM is and tell his wife NOW.

Bennett, I believe it's especially important in your case to expose the separation and possible affair because your wife is still ashamed about it. That means family and peer pressure may affect her.

You want to use all the tools at your disposal to fight this.

Also, I think exposure helps the BS. Once something isn't a dark secret, it losses some of it's power and scariness. And keeping secrets takes energy. If her parents call the house, you have to fib or evade their questions. That's not pleseant.

Family knows about it, I told them today! Mother in-law broke down in tears, father in-law said he will talk to her tonight. Here comes the storm! I also sent an email to the OM to let him know I want the marriage to work. Thats' it, nothing nasty, just want him to know the truth incase she has lied to him.

Good job. I know this is tough. I know there will be a storm. But,storms can clear the air a bit.

Have you read Surviving An Affair? You should get it and read it. Hopefully, this is the beginning of restoring your marriage and romantic love. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />