Hello all!
Firt time poster hoping someone that has been in my shoes can offer some help/assistance/advice.

Background: Been together for 10yrs, married for 5 (just celebrated it) 1 son, 19 months.

Last Sept my wife told me she was in love with another man but it was not physical. He gave her the attention I did not. We "worked" things out for a while (so I thought) Then in December she moved in for a week with her parents. We started counseling for 3 months, she said things were back on track and she even said thank you for "taking" me back. She was very appologetic and counseling taught us both a lot about ourselves and our marriage.
Over the last 5 months we have done some wonderfull things together, hot air ballon ride, weekend get aways, date nights etc. I thought things were going great, we did some home redecorating together, talked about baby #2, talked about vacation this summer and all the things we wanted to do.
THEN! Bam she says it is not working and she has been "trying" she wants it to work but it just isn't there anymore. She said she can't stay in our house, she loves me some days but some days it isn't there, she said she just can't be married right now. She wants to live on her own for a while.??
So, we are curently in a trial seperation, only a week to date. She moved in with a friend (female) and my son sleeps in "our" house. Here is where I need the advice....

She sends me text messages asking how I am doing, asking me if I am mad at her. She said I am acting funny. She will not come back home and will not reenter counseling.
What do I do? She wont tell her parents (scared) and asked me not to either. She has removed her wedding band and engagement ring but still wears the 5 yr anniversary band I just bought her.
My stance is give her the space she asked for but when I do she asks me if I am OK. What does she think, she abanded the family and hurt me. I am keeping a level head, no fights, no yelling. I am kinda cold to her right now, my guard is up what can I say.
We talked about divorce but she told me she can't answer it right now. She is on the fence..what does that mean? She still stops at the house "to pick up a few things" If she really wanted it to end wouldn't she take all her stuff? She still asks me about my day, wants to be involved.

Advice? Thanks to all!!!

Welcome to MB. Sounds like she is still in contact with the Other Man.

Here is an exerpt from the Harleys -

"Then, if all of that weren't enough, the unfaithful spouse explains that he or she needs time to "sort out" feelings, whatever that means. It actually means that the unfaithful spouse will go to the highest bidder. Whoever makes the unfaithful spouse feel the best, the lover or the spouse, will win the prize of the unfaithful spouse. So he or she spends some time with the lover, and then spends some time with the spouse. Back and forth, trying to "get in touch" with feelings. Can you fathom the resentment that would follow such a horrifying and humiliating experience? "

Your best course of action is to spy on her and find out what is going on between them. Then be sure to tell her mother that you wish to save the marriage, but your wife has a lover on the side.

It sounds to me like she's resumed contact. Do you know if she's remained in touch with OM through all of this?

One of the things that came out of counseling was she would stop talking to "him". She even started to leave her pocketbook and cell phone out in plain view- almost to say Go ahead and look I am clean. I used to tun her phone late at night and she was "clean", no incoming or outgoing calls, no text messages. Our couselor also said for me to stop the spying as it was hurting her and pushing her further away and hurting myself. She has admitted to me she stil talks to him but it is just about their mutual friends and work talk- they used to work together. Also- she was so committed to making our marriage work she got a new job so she would not have to see/talk to him.

Get a new counselor. There is no reason to trust an untrustworthy spouse. The Harley motto is trust, but verify.

As long as there is contact, your marriage is doomed.

How do I get her into agreeing to going to a new counselor? I agree, trust but verify....that is what I was doing and she would get upset.

Of course she was upset - you were interfering with her affair. That is also why she doesn't want her mom to know. She would prefer that you shut up and accept that fact that she is an adulteress.

I know all about the OM, his name, adress, phone number, currently divorced, lives alone in a apt, has kids, ex-wife name etc etc. I did the snooping part, but one thing I never did was call him and tell him to back off. One night, before she "left" goes like this, by 9pm she decided it is over and she would make the 'arrangments' as I said flat out I would not. By 10pm she was asleep in our bed.

Her mother just called and asked if everything was 'OK' as she could sense something was wrong. My reply was ask your daughter.

In a moment of sadness I wrote her a note asking her for a blank slate and to go on a "date"....(Advice from this forum.) She hasn't mentioned if she read the note yet nor have I asked.

It all started after the birth of our son, PPD. Then she got a new job, that is where 'they' met. So new guy recently divorced and her depression started it all.

Enlist her mother's help in saving your marriage. Let her know what is happening.

Have you read up on plan A? The lovebank? Emotional Needs?

If so, start applying plan A as best as you can based on your situation. Expose, work on meeting her emotional needs, and work on making improvements in yourself, FOR yourself.

Plan A is in play.....it has been exposed to the family. Also the OM was told I wanted the marriage to work. Nothing nasty just so he knows the truth incase she has lied to him.

Time to weather the storm and see how it goes.

Also- during the "routine" snooping she opened a new credit card and updated one to her "new address".

You will be jointly responsible for any credit card debt. I think I might cancel the cards.

Is she able to support herself?