Hi again Ami,
The books that we both told you about are Christian based books.

We have worked in our youth group at chruch for more than 10 years. This is such a struggle in today's world. Even very devout kids are struggling with this- it is just so in their face. We have seen it over and over.

I can understand you not wanting to involve other people, so here is an idea for you. Buy Who Moved the Goal Post and the companion book And the Bride Wore White- they are written by a married couple - and give it to your brother in law. Tell him you heard about this series and thought he might be interested in talking to the youth of the church about these issues. The books cover a lot more than just porn. They talk about sexual purity.

You could do the same thing with every young man's battle and the companion every young woman's battle.

However, you really might want to be upfront with your BIL. Youth pastors are used to dealing with this. He should be able to deal with it as a pastor and not as an uncle, ya know?

Another idea is to buy your son Every Young Man's Battle and his dad Every Man's Battle. You can read Every Woman's Battle and if your daughter is old enough, she can read every young woman's battle. If all of you are reading it, it might make for much easier conversation.

We went through this with ours a few years ago. We moved the computer to the living room. We monitored and limited his internet access. We also talked about it and the dangers as well has having him read the books. He also talked to our youth pastor who held him accountable by checking up on him.

I think the temptation is still there because it is just so in your face, but he knows how to handle it now.

Hang in there

From Penalty Kill

Hi, AmIok.

I have a 15 year old son, so I'm familiar with your problem. My son began the porn thing at 13, and he wasn't the only one. I had a long discussion with the mother of one of his good friends, and her son was *really* heavily into it and wound up downloading some stuff that screwed up their home network.

I solved the problem in the following ways:

First, there is now only one computer in the house - mine. It's in a common area. I'm a former programmer, so I can find absolutely anything on a computer. My children come to me when they have a problem.

I had a talk with my son (actually more than one talk) about how porn objectifies women. How the women who make their living from porn usually have serious problems, and have often been abused. How they may need drugs to cope with the fact that this is their life. How porn is not REAL, any more than a video game is real.

And I told him that the girls that he was interested in, or would be interested in, would not act like the girls he saw on the net.

His sister got into the act and told him in no uncertain terms that she did not want to see obscene pop-ups as a result of his surfing. She is now away at college, but when she comes home she brings her laptop and he has gone on it occasionally. I truly believe that my son would rather have bamboo shoots stuffed under his fingernails than surf a porn site and endure the considerable wrath of his sister <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's been over a year now and my son doesn't go on anything but facebook (and I have vetted the photos on his site to make sure that they are acceptable) and IM. His cell phone (which does not have video streaming capabilities) is permanently attached. He speaks to a wide assortment of real girls, most of whom I have met. We've also had a discussion about taking pictures with the cell phone, and that the subject of his pictures had better all have clothing on, or he could find himself in big trouble with the law, as well as his parents.

What a fascinating modern age we live in....

I also recommend sports as a way of keeping boys active and busy. Quite frankly, my son has very little time to go on the computer just to surf, since he plays two sports and has to use the bulk of his free time for homework or another project he is working on.

In closing, you are not alone. I've talked to plenty of parents of teenage boys who have dealt with this problem. Dealing with it head-on, which it sounds like you are doing, is the way to go.

Take care.

PK

Just a word about shame and humiliation.

It was a favorite tactic of my MIL raising her 7 kids.

And at least two of her sons (including my H) have had SERIOUS problems with porn.

As I said before, I think you've got the right attitude AmI.

Well after reading this post, I went snooping on my kids' computers. Their father is in IT and he got them some free computers for Christmas. I had reservations about this - but we have a removable USB wireless card which I keep.

Well I lost track of it last week - my daughter had it. No biggie. She had it yesterday.

So tonight my kids are at their dad's - on the computer, no doubt. Previously I had issues with him letting them set up Yahoo accounts - with their own names, no less... I deleted those and asked him to respect my wishes concerning keeping them away from chat rooms and predators.

Well - I checked my kids' computers. My daughter's was clean - and I know how to snoop for hidden files etc.

My son's is another story. I guess he's been sneaking the USB card at night. He's signed up for this and that, AND I found evidence of porn downloads. He's 13. Based on the history dates, this has only been going on a week or less (school just got out at the end of last week) so hopefully I've nipped it in the bud - but I'm upset that he's been exposed to this already. Innocence down the toilet. And this from a kid who turns away when he sees two people kiss on TV - hmph.

I'm livid. But I'm going to calm down and deal with this rationally.

I'd bet $50 that my son is on a computer right this minute at his father's - looking at his history here, he's been online late at night. That explains why he doesn't get up til noon.

Well the party ends tomorrow. I will be contacting his father (who also had a thing for porn - one of the big LB that ended our marriage). I'm going to tell him what I found, and I'm going to ask that we sit down with our son tomorrow and have a serious talk with him.

Henceforth, the USB card comes to work with me. They are out of school, they don't need the computer for homework.

I will likely pull the computer out of his room too.

I *thought* having control over the internet access was the way to avoid this... apparently he pulled the wool over my eyes.

The tough part will be keeping him offline while he's at his father's. He's often unsupervised and XH has several computers and I know he's a lot more lax about the kids' online access than I am. I don't blame him for this, but I'm going to have to insist that my wishes be honoured here, or the kids won't be allowed to go to his place unsupervised (they are teenagers and often there when he's at work - such as tomorrow).

I'm very disappointed in my son.

JinGA