Being a girl, from a family full of girls, I will admit to being pretty light on experience when it comes to teenage boys. And even less experienced with porn.

So I could use some input from people with a little more insight, please.

DS14 has been viewing, downloading, drawing, writing about, etc., porn. We had to put a password on our home computer, and supervise his use of the computer at home to keep it from happening here. Yesterday, my MIL (his Grandma) showed me some lovely sites he had visited and images he had downloaded on HER computer.

My H, who isn't into porn, thinks it's not really a big deal, normal teenage stuff, although he was TICKED that DS was doing it on MIL's computer. H is mostly glad that it's heterosexual porn, that seems to be his only real concern. He's told DS to knock it off, keep it out of our house, and that's about it.

Never having known anyone who had a porn problem (at least not that I knew about), I have no idea how to react. I am not sure if it's not a big deal or if it's something to address. And if it's something to address, how inthe world do we do that??? I see a lot of talk around here about porn addiction, and I'm not sure if over-reacting and being too strict now could CAUSE that or stop it or ....???? No clue how to respond to these things.

Any parents who've gotten teenagers through a phase like this? Or anyone who's gone through this phase like this? I'm assuming it's normal, I just have no idea what, if anything, we do about it.

Thanks.
-AmI.

Hi, AmI...as you know I don't have any teenage boys; however, I dealt with alot of this from STBX...

here's my thought, I think that this is normal for a boy this age, and feel that you have done the best that you can...

You have laid down the law...NOT IN MY HOUSE...so, being the teen that he is, he tries MIL's house...I feel that MIL should let him know that it's not acceptable in her house either...

He's going to do it regardless, it's the hormones right now...to him he can look at sales papers of woman in their bras...

It's just so easy to access now a days...if MIL can't address the issue then I feel that DH should say something again, but I really wouldn't make a big deal out of it right now...

Just my 2cents! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AmI-

I'm sorry to say that your H's response is out of touch with how terribly addicting and damaging porn can be. First of all, your DS14 was downloading it at his Grandma's house!
That shows he has a compulsive need to view it.

I could tell you all kinds of things about it, but I would just be quoting the book "Every Young Man's Battle." One of the things that book talks about to young men is, that when you view porn, or engage is sex outside of marriage-you are robbing your future wife of something beautiful and creating an unrealistic expectation that she will never be able to live up to. That of the perfect (computer enhanced) always available and always willing sex object.

I would recommend that book by Steven Arteburn (sp?) and his website New Life Ministries.

My DS15 actually came to me and asked me to get internet security because a friend showed him some adult humor (porn cartoon sites) and he was tempted to find more. I ordered Bsafe from New Life (about $50 a year) and he is thankful.

Hope this helps.

from personal experience I have to completely agree with this statement!

I would nip this in the bud. Pornography can consume you and like was said above it will create expectations that can't be met.

I was on the edge one time and it's ugly. I would not want my kids to get anywhere near it if at all possible.

Rin is right - the prevalence of what I would call "soft" porn is ridiculous nowadays, especially in advertising.

Just like affairs are an addiction, porn is an addiction. You should take extreme measures just like you would do to end an affair and make sure the affairees never get in contact again.

Do whatever you can to protect them from this.

AmI:

Normal Teenage stuff?

30 years ago, when I was 14, all we had was magazines.

The internet has opened up so much more.

I have a 14 year old, and he apears clueless to this kind of stuff now. He likes to on-line game, but I am monitoring what is happening.

Move the computer to a public place in the house, not his room.

Curiousity is one thing, but going to Grandmas and doing it? EEEEKK!

THIS is where Dad needs to step in and talk. And allow the DS14 to talk as well.

And I am interested in following up on this, cuz I might be facing it soon!

LG

Our 14-year old nephew lives with us (long story) but when he first got here two years ago, I came home and was looking for something in my computer history—not even thinking he might do something like this. Yup, I found where he had been looking at porn while we were gone. Granted he was and is a very immature young man (raised in a small town in Montana) and quite gullible (or so we thought) but his reasoning blew my mind. He said, “Well I was watching Sponge Bob and he mentioned this website and how great it was and I thought I’d look it up. I thought since Sponge Bob said it was okay, that it was okay.” <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Nephew no longer has computer privileges. Period. He comes from a history of sexual and physical abuse and it has taken a long time and a lot of counseling to deal with that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He isn’t strong enough to resist. Left to himself, he’ll make the wrong choice. Maybe when he’s a little older and has proved himself trustworthy, we’ll think about it again, but for now, knowing the damage that “a little” porn can do, he’s banned.

I've got 3 boys...one 21 year old, two 19. This has been an issue with us as well.

We've made it very clear, we know that they want to see this stuff, and that 'want' is normal. BUT...it's not acceptable, and will not be practiced in our house or with our knowledge.

I'm reasonably computer saavy, so they tried to end run around me a few times, but were caught every time.

Just like anything else in parenting...set your boundary, along with concrete consequences for what happens when they're crossed, and deal with it.

AmI,

Sounds like you have the right blocking resources at home but as you have found that clearly doesn’t stop internet porn usage on another computer.

I second the advice that your son needs to know that porn can be damaging to himself in future relationships. It is disrespectful to himself and to his future love interest. Tell him you believe he can make better choices and challenge him to do so.

We have also had this problem in our home. While our blocking software blocks by type of website, it could not block …say, Google Images (and trust me, there are lots of exhibitionists out there!) unless I blocked out the whole site. So – I did! Son had to come and ask me to reinstate some sites for him for a school project. I then explained to him that I checked his internet use no less frequently than every other day and that I was able to see EVERY WEBPAGE HE LOOKED AT. Not just the name, but the actual webpage. With every picture he had seen. And did he really want his Mom to see that (porn) ? I was prepared to have him sit there and go through a page by page demonstration so he could see me look at where he had surfed the slime. However, the mere threat was enough to discourage it.

This has solved the problem for now. If it crops again, I’ll have to come up with something else.

Just out of curiousity, what would you folks recommend these teenage boys do with all of their pent-up sexual energy?

Lots of hard physical activity. It has the added benefit of actually being good for them!

I think you should follow this statement with the disclaimer: "NO PUN INTENDED".

Good one. Thanks for the laugh.

Chris:

Have the discussion about masturbation.

LG

LG:

I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Did I say something that offended you?

Ok, I think the consensus is that this could become a problem, and something needs to be done ... but I'm still not totally sure what.

We do have a password on our home computer, he can't log in at all without an adult supervising. It's in a public place, not his room.

He's not allowed to use the computers anymore at either of the Grandma's house. One of them knows why -- do we tell the other why, or is that just humiliating him? Also, Grandma #3 is extremely permissive and likes to spoil him. When he goes there, he is pretty much constantly on the computer. He will be spending two weeks with her this summer. Do we tell her what's going on and why, or is that just humiliating him? She won't limit his time online, but maybe if we bought her a netnanny type of thing, she might consider installing it. We'd have to tell her why, though.

I can probably get that book for him, I am not sure what the impact would be. Especially wihtout backing from DH.

My DH's attitude about this is much more casual than mine. He has a boys will be boys kind of attitude. Any talk that he has with DS will be "keep it out of the house", not to let me see it, and certainly how disrespectful it was to do it at Grandma's.

Is that enough? I can't follow him around and keep him off of every single computer in the world. As soon as school starts up again, he'll have constant access, and he has access at his friends houses, etc.

It'skind of ilke telling them that soda is bad for them and not to drink it. Pretty hard to enforce that unless we keep him locked up 24-7. Porn is almost as available and easy to get as soda, so how do we enforce any boundaries outside of our own house?

Thanks for all the help and input. I appreciate it!

-AmI.

Ami,
The book that was suggested for you is very good. Another one is called "Who moved the goalpost?" It is very good and talks about this.

Does you family attend church? If so, you might talk to your youth pastor. They often have great resources for you.

take care

Thanks.

Yes, we attend church. They youth pastor is DH's brother -- DS's uncle. I'm a little worried about getting too many people involved. Especially family. Unlike exposing an A to make it stop, I'm worried that too much exposure of this wouldn't be as helpful. I'm very worried about humiliating him into an extreme shame kind of situation. That can't be good for him, either.

I'll try the books, maybe they need to come from DH instead of me.

Other than the safeguards that we have implemented, is there anything else we can do to keep him away from it in general?

Thanks so much for all the help and input. I appreciate it!

-AmI.

AmI,


I agree with you. I think it's generally ineffective to tell kids to refrain from anything "because it's bad for you" or "because I/we say so." They want to know WHY.

My oldest daughter is only 7. But I've explained to her what too much sugar can do to your body including obesity and diabetes. And believe it or not, she more-or-less monitors her OWN sugar intake. (The 4 yo isn't there yet though, lol).

I do think any safeguards, fliters or whatever you can place on your and your family members' computers is a wise thing to do.

But I think the MOST important thing you can do is to (1) educate yourself about porn -- what's out there, it's addictive nature, the harm it can do, etc. and (2) TALK with your son about it. Once you've got the information, it should be a little easier to have a calm, rational conversation with him. If your husband won't do it, it'll have to be up to you. Or maybe another trusted male family member or friend.(?)

I agree with you, too, that you don't want to shame him. So, in your discussions, you could acknowledge that his curiosity -- as well as what's happening with his own body -- are completely natural. Make it clear that you're not objecting to his sexuality... just his choice of an outlet. Maybe you could even suggest healthier outlets.

Hope that helps somehow.

--SC

You're worried about humiliating him? Never mind that porn humiliates everyone.

There's nothing wrong with a *discreet* word to the grandmother about *why* he should not be online unsupervised. Although if it was me, I'd make sure I told her in front of him, so there was no misunderstanding. If it's embarrassing, well I guess he shouldn't be doing it, right?

I don't believe in shaming somebody for no good reason, but I think in this day and age if more people felt SHAME, there'd be a lot less problems. Exposing an A causes shame - so the same line of thinking where it pertains to steering a kid back onto a righteous path should apply, IMO.

I don't think porn viewing at school is a problem. Schools have filtering software and IF he could even get to a porn site, he'd likely get busted PDQ. I doubt he could access a porn site from a school to begin with.

And if your son is visiting friends with computers and internet access, I'd call the friends' parents and TELL them that your son is not to have unsupervised access. If they can't or won't adhere to that (and I'd tell them why - I'm sure most parents don't want their kids viewing porn), then your son can't go there. Period.

I acknowledge that most teenagers (male and female) have a "healthy curiosity"... but the potential for damage that online porn presents is far worse than the magazines that Dad hid in the closet, or the National Geographics that were around in our day (the 40-something crowd).

Be a strong parent. Explain that this is inappropriate and why, and do not make excuses for opportunities he has to view it, period.

JMHO

JinGA