Hello All,
I am nervous wreck to say the least. Here is my situation:
Me-35 yr Male
WS- 26 yr female
Married 9 years no kids

Our relationship was up and down for the past couple of years, and the sex life had not been that great to say the least, from me or her and I was trying to figure out what was wrong, and I left to visit my family for a few weeks to cool down abit in February.

WHile I was gone my wife slept with another man, whom she is having an affair with now. The affair started February, and this was one of her co-workers from a previous job over 1 year ago.
I know all the gory details about their sexcapades, and knew something was going on due to her behavior i.e. staying over friends house, going to concert and coming home next day etc, and I being a God fearing man felt betrayed and crushed.
I confronted my wife yesterday May29, and asked her that if she denies there being a 3rd party involved, she said I cant say yes or no, so I then proceeded to say I am aware you are having an affair with a married man with 2 kids, one of his children was born in February this year, which is the same month my wife slept with him!!
I also toldher I know of their plan to go away for a long weekend June 6 **Note: Do I send othermans wife this info via 3rdparty i.e. lawyer so she knows what is happening before June6??**

She was blown away, and started to cry and kept on saying "its too late, its too late", I said we all make mistakes, and I know I have and am sorry for what it has done to our marriage, but I still love you, and I am working on myself to be a better husband, and would like to reconcile.

She called up her grandmother, and packed her belongings, I asked if her grandmother is going to come in, and she said no. I went outside carrying her things, and re-assured the grandmother that I love her granddaughter, and that she is having an affair with a married man with 2 kids and gave her some information so she can be aware of what is going on.
**Note: She still has lots of things here, lots.. makes it hard for me to believe. How to handle this??

Now I am alone at home preparing for a new contract job, and am stuck in limbo.
I was thinking about having a law firm act as 3rd party and send the documentation I have to the other man's wife so she can be aware of what is happening.

I asked my wife if she is willing to go to counseling together while she is away at her grandmothers and I believe the answer was something like "I can't" or something like that, it wasn't "Yes" or "Maybe" thats for sure.

Now my wife is at her grandmothers, and I do not know what to do next aside from moving on with my life in the sense of working on myself to be a better husband (oxymoron isn't it when you are alone?) .

How should I handle this? Do I have a law firm get in touch with the other mans wife? I have the guys name, cell phone number, now where he works too, so this would help in getting the information to his wife.
I fear that this may speed things up for him and he may just leave his wife and shack up with my wife?

Do I or should I attempt to talk to the grandmother and let her know how much I love my wife and how I am in need of support from her to help in this??

I have a good relationship with my wifes grandmother, and aunt and uncle and their kids, good people. We dont talk a whole lot, but when we did hang out for dinners we would chat away.
Any info is greatly appreciated. I truly believe this can work out, and I am not being naive, just humble enough by the grace of God to turn the other cheek and love my wife for the person she is, the person I decided to marry.
Thank you all for this.

Read some of our threads here to see what to do. Your marriage can be saved.

You need to expose this affair NOW. That man cheated on his pregnant wife and now has a very vulnerabel BW at home with young children. Why not call the BW youself?

BTW, welcome to MB. Click on the link in my sig line for the thread by WAT for newly betrayed spouses. Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley and familiarize yourself with the sites basic concepts of plan A and B.

Thanks nowheretoturn. It seems my wife has a rather large support group of online friends who for some reason do not seem to be suggesting that she try and work things out. Only 1 person I know if had the temerity to say that she is praying for my wife during this time.
Sorry for being so scatterbrain, but is there a thread or topic that comes to mind on what I should do? I was looking at Exposure 101 briefly before coming here.
Thanks!!

Go to the basic concepts page. Read all about affairs. Your WS is no different than mine, nor anyone else's.

Learn this site. Learn Plan A. Learn Plan B.

Do not expect your WW to co-operate at all! She will tell you it is over. She never loved you. It will never work. ETC. Believe nothing your WW says.

Learn this site.

First of all -- it would be best if she were home with you.

Second -- tell the OM's poor wife right away! There is very little chance he is going to continue on with your wife after being exposed.

Also tell OM's parents, your family and friends.

Tell your wife to come home.

Meet the emotional needs of hers that were missing. Have you read Surviving an Affair? Or the articles on this website? Or "His needs, Her needs"?

Missmybutterfly,

So sorry for the big kick in the gut. I know exactly what you are going through, as a former BS.

The prior poster was correct in saying your marriage is savagable.

Part of getting your partner back is going to be exposure.

Definately, get in contact with the OMW (other mans wife). She deserves to know that her husband is breaking their vows with your wife.

Keep the lines of communication open with her and create a way to keep each other updated on what the adulter's are doing. Exposure is one of the greatest ways to end the affair.

Also look on the MB website for Harleys links to Plan A and Plan B.

The literture on this website will help you understand what you need to do to attract your wife back and help end the affair.

One piece of advice though. Do not threaten or warn your WS that you are going to contact the other mans wife. You want it to be a surprise so that the adulters don't have time to spin a story about you, such as " you are crazy jealous man".

Let some of the veterans of MB help you create a plan.


Hang in there friend, you are not alone.


k.d.'s heartbreak

Have evidence or proof to show the Other Mans Wife.
She may very well be blown away by what you have to say, and may not believe you. Have proof.

Like KDS said, do not forewarn anyone that you are going to do it. Because they will disarm you. Your wife will lie to you to manipulate you into not exposing OM.

Also you said she worked with him a year ago. I would bet the affair has been going on that long, or longer. Maybe just emotionally -- but most likely both.

Your wife married you at age 17? She's probably feeling like she missed out on her hay-days.

Hold the phone....



26-9=17. 17 is illegal. My guess is you had SOME amount of courting time... yeah? prior to her being 17 maybe?

Illegal. Has anyone talked to HER about being a victim of pedophilia?

You have a lot of problems here besides the affair.

Good Grief! There is a whole lot of reading, and I feel like I have a deadline of the most difficult kind to meet!

FaithfulFollower: Thanks for the welcome, they are rare to come by these days, and I am reading the links you have in your sig!
I cannot call the OM's wife, cause the phone number I have is his cell number. I have his full name, and know the city he lives in and where he works, but I am not able to get that personal information so I can send her the documentation I have.
I looked at Plan A, but this seems to be for when the WS is living with you. I have to read PlanB though.

Noweheretoturn: I agree with you, but I think my wife is going through a "sl*t phase" forgive me for saying that and I shudder\puke at the thought, but this was what one of her friends told her in regard to her own infidelity..I'm up against alot here, but God will deliver one way or another.
My wife told me she loves me, but that she is not in love with me...I told her I understand, but we can work though this.
I will look at some articles as you have suggested.

Lexxy: I cannot tell the OM's family cause I do not know them, in fact I have no close personal friends here aside from our pastor, and a couple of other people, but my only family here are my wife's. I moved to Canada from the US to be with my wife, and dropped everything for her. I am glad I am here, but it is hard when I feel so alone.
How do you meet the emotional needs of a WS who is not living with you right now? It sounds extremely difficult.

When do I tell my wife to come home, now, after I send the doc's to the OM's wife?? My wife told me that she needs to be alone for right now needs space or whatever.
We got married when she was 18, I wonder if this factors in to anything,maybe she feels she is missing out??

Thnx

Geez. I think we have all heard this before. Actually, my WH didn't say this. He said, "I just feel like it's over, but I care about you so much and you know I always will"

(he told me he loved me about an hour earlier... and knew he couldn't backtrack cause I would ask)

So, learn about your wife's affair. If there is an OMW, call her. She needs to know.

Tell your family, friends, etc. Say to them, "WW has been having an affair for... I love WW and I am asking for your support in saving my marriage."

Then, start to do it.

I just learned today. You can Plan A and not live in the same house. Read my thread. I did well today... and I am on cloud nine.

It is amazing how much information you can get on someone over the internet.

Do a background chack on him. That should give you home address and phone number.
Find his parents. Hire a Private Investigator if you have to....

MYBF:

Goto Intellius.com and for about $30 you can get the address and info on the OM and by extension the OM W.

You call her up, tommorrow, and tell her what is going on. She already suspects, don't worry. If she asks for the proof, tell her what you have, than mail it to her.

You seem like you are in a tight spot right now, but you can still save this.

Whatever you do, DO NOT LET THEM GET TOGETHER June 6th.

Advise Grandma of thier plans.

Play the tape or show them the emails if grandma doesn't believe you. Make copies to show them keep the originals in a safe place.

Protect your sources as well.

After talking to OM W, call the OM.

Hang tough.

And read His Needs Her Needs, (HNHN) and Surviving An Affair (SAA) Just buy them from this website, you can't wait for the bookstore.

LG

well.. I guess if nothing else, I now know who supports the raping of children.

Harsh right??

if it was YOUR 16 yo daughter with her 24 yo boyfriend... how would YOU react?

Sorry she cheated on you. You kind of hosed her first. And you shouldn't be married to her in the first place.

But I suppose I should forgive you right?? Let the past be?

I would have kicked your [censored] if you came around my 16 year old daughter. Do you even have children???

I will not help you. Your marriage started as statutory rape. I can't even believe people post to this...

Patriot92,
She was 18 when we married. I knew her and talked to her online and she invited me to visit her and her family whom I met. Everything was fine, nothing illegal going on, not by any stretch of the imagination.
tnx

My math is fine. You are a pedophile. plain and simple.

maybe there is something wrong with the canadian exchange rate, but 26-11 is 15 all day in America.

15 is just a hair before 18... last I checked.

So...she turned 18 and then you began to court her...right?

Because if you approached her romantically [even online...ESPECIALLY online] when she was a teenager and you were in your mid twenties you are without excuse.

So either she married you right after she met you or you are obscuring the facts of your relationship which suggest strongly that you are guilty.

I concur with Patriot. If it was my daughter and I discoverred a GROWN MAN was approaching her online while she was a teenager no one would ever find any part of you.

I'm very sorry her parents were so impotent.

Are you really saying that you see nothing wrong with a grown man playing online predator to a 15 year old CHILD???

Sounds illegal to me.

Me too.

Solicitation of a minor?