This affair has been going on for about 3 weeks. I knew somthing was wrong so i snopped and show some text msg.(sunday)on her phone with a number, I wrote it down. I found her emails. everything

They met in a flirting yahoo chatroom.. my wife(i'll learn the codes) I believe is being played by a 52 yr old.. he acts as a coach and now they are talking sex online, and sending photo's back and forth.. they haven't met yet. He lives on east coast and we are on west coast..

I'm out of town for a couple days...

I know his name, occupation, his kids names, where he lives, cell number only, don't know his wives name.. I've look for a home phone on the net and can't find his home phone number..

I've been reading on here for 2 days now and so with that information, I called him up, left a msg. "... I know where you live and I know you have a family. Don't contact my wife anymore" He was kind of waiting for it since she told him I had his number. He called me back this morning and we spoke, I told him "As a man, don't contact her anymore.. he didn't take it well"

He told my wife of the call, i know because I can log into her emails... they were both pretty shaken up and now she wrote me back an email telling me not to do that ever again. He is only my friend... She doesn't know I know there is a lot more to it... we have been emotional unattached for a couple months and so she went looking for a friend.

We have 4 kids, she is a fantastic mother and has been an awesome wife. She got lonely and this is what I have to deal with now. She says I've been neglecting her love language for our entire marriage although we have had some great years. I've sent her flowers, emails, notes, spent great quality time with my kids...

What should I do? I really love her

She has been going to counciling for a couple years.. She had abandoment feelings and abuse growing up.. I want to be there for her, but know she has someone else in the place I need to be

I have phone records as of last night... what should I do?

Hi, welcome to MB, you are in the right place. I am responding so you know someone is out here. I generally lurk and read stuff, but I know what you are going through as I went through a similar situation.

My recommendations:
1. Keep your cool, all is not lost. Don't make a bad situation worse by lashing out. In fact, now is the time to work on you and being the best husband you can be.
2. Read everything you can on this site, especially the sections on emotional needs and love busters, as well as plans A/B.
3. Post over on General II, you might get more responses.
4. Read other posts, because advice that others got may help you. There are similar patterns and wisdom abounds!
5. You have already hit on what she needs from you. If she is lonely and looking elsewhere, do what you have to do to help her feel less lonely, for example. The articles will help with this.
6. Get some individual counseling to help you cope with your own feelings about everything.

Also, folks will tell you that exposure is important as affairs won't stand the light of day. Don't threaten exposure, just do it. The part about telling your wife what you know will be tricky because letting her know HOW you know is not something you want to reveal.

Good luck and keep posting updates, people will help you here.

Make sure you put a recorder in her car.

It's invaluable when she flat out lies and denies anything and everything.

Everything hit the fan early this morning when i logged into her cell phone account online and changed the email over to mine, although i didn't know she had a secondary email on the account and so when i changed it over she got the notice from the cell company. Now I have record of not only his cell number but now his insurance company number..
What should i do with the number knowing that i allready called him on his cell...

. I told her I knew she was having an affair and she lied and lied and lied.. Then I told her that I had proof... I goofed, i sent an email that I had collected from her email account while i was on the phone with her, (I'm out of town right now returning on saturday) so we were on the phone... she got the email and about died over the phone... she was so embarrassed and crying out of control, stating that she didn't want it to get this far. She told me she hated me and now she is a prisoner in our home again... she was pissed...

Since then I've had 2 good calls with her and she told me the om is gone, i scared him away since i was acting like rampo.. not so fast.. they have emailed a few times since.
she is still lieing to me.

she wants to know if i'm going to tell the kids.. I said no.. 16male 13girl 10boy 7boy what should i do? she is scared on who else I'm going to tell.

she asked me what i'm going to do with some emails that have pictures of themselves and of om grand kids and ww picture of her and here daughter, i told her i wasn't going to do anything with them..

I can't find his home number on the net, tried and even called some people with the same last name as his in the town he lives in, any suggestions?

it seems to me that you did everything right, why do you think you goofed? because now she knows how you got the info? don't worry about it, she realizes now that shes done. don't worry about her telling you she hates you, this is typical, she is caught, she is blaming you. hang in there. read some of the articles on the right of the screen. Learn how to put it back together now.

Ok, so you know, and she knows that you know--right? Is she willing to stop all contact? If she says she is willing, the two of you together can cancel her cell phones and e-mail addresses--all of them.

Then, if you want, you can establish an e-mail account or cell phone that is joint, that you have access to.

She can give you the om's info, the home phone number or whatever she has been using to contact him.

The two of you can write a no contact e-mail to him and end all contact, on the e-mail account that she is now using just before you cancel it.

She needs to be willing to tell you all, and you have a right to expect all information from her. Is she willing to do that?

You have done nothing wrong here. She needs to be held accountable. It is best if you stay calm with her right now, but serious about what your expectations are.
Lake

Here is a follow-up on where things stand after 3 weeks.

first off something that I didn't tell everyone, my wife was abuse as a child both sexually and emotionally..

I haven't been emotional their for her for some time so she went looking for a friend.... well she found one that understands her background and history of child trama... control was a very big issue for her and I had her locked down pretty hard...

Well, I spoke to the OM for about 2 hours the other day because my wife was starting to shut down and get very depressed on what i did... freezing accounts, changing her cell phone online account and more... she thought i was shutting everything down on her and felt controlled like when she was a child when she was abused and held down and such...

I followed everything i read on here and well, I shouldn't have... When i spoke to the OM he help me understand the whole in her heart and that i didn't help things out, well now i'm talking to the OM and he has been coaching us on our relationship and what I can do to help understand what she feels... what a change after I gave her back the passwords, unfroze our accounts, told her about everything i new, gave her $5,000 for a 6 month cd and have some security for herself and told her i wouldn't control her anymore and all of a sudden she has opened up and things are moving forward 2 steps forward and sometimes 1 step back... but we are both trying

I guess the reason i explained all of this is we should all follow the principles we learn from marriage builders but also take in consideration for those that have some abuse in there past... I keep updating you soon

Your letting the OM counsel your marriage????

whynv99,

I agree with Pastor Steve. Don't fall for that crap.

Do you want to save your marriage? Because if you do, you do need to expose to OM's wife as well as your families AND CHILDREN and also and clergy or friends who may be able to influence her behaviour.

She is very scared of exposure - and rightly so. It will show her deeds done in secrecy and darkness for what they really are. It will also most probably end the affair and you have to do that to have any chance of savingyour marriage.

You also need to start doing Plan A. There is a brilliand thread on this board about the carrot and stick of Plan A by Pepperband. Read it and live by it.

My wife also went totally cold and withdrawn once I found out she was having an affair. It's pretty typical for women to do this I think.

She needs to agree to send a NC letter and then things will start to improve after she withdraws from the addiction that is the OM.