Hello all and thank you for reading. I will try to make it short and summarize 4 months of agony, decepetion, anger, peacefulness; altogher an emotional rollercoaster.

My WH and I have been in a relationship since 16 years old. After 8 years, we married at 24 yrs on 4-24-04. our son was born on March 06 and is currently 14 months old.
On 1/29/07, after an argument with my WH, regarding his whereabouts on his day off, WH reported to me that he was no longer in love with me and had felt this way already for several months. He blamed me for pushing him away, Giving our 10 month baby all the attention, blamed me for our financial disagreements (My income is much higher than his), etc. While yes, I do agree that we had much conflict in our relationship that needed to be addressed, leaving the baby and I was unexpected. I soon discovered that he was having and continues to have an affair with a co-worker. He was her training police officer and she was one of his "rookie" officers for 6 months. After attending Retrouvaille, WH admitted the A and told me he was ashamed and needed my help to become that family man he once was. He also reported that the A was over with OW. Still, he instisted that we separate so that he could clear his mind and find his "happiness". Very confident in his word, i agreed to the separation, however we dialogued daily. he had reported several times that the OW seeked him, which would never justify infedelity even if that was the case. About 2 weeks later, I discovered he was still involved with OW. When I confronted him, he became enraged and asked me for the divorce. 4 months later, Wh reports that OW has nothing to do with the failure of our marriage; that he had stopped loving me before he become involved with OW. Wh is currently living with in-laws, however I know he does not spend the night there several times a week. He has spoken very negatively about me to his parents, and I feel that their emotional support is no longer there. Any little contact I have with my inlaws is via phone and conversation if any is regarding my son. I have told my husband that I will not file for divorce and will not give him the divorce (although I realize he can obtain this w/o my signature). WH sees our son almost daily. I have never placed our baby in the middle of us, for I know that he is his father regardless and our son adores him. Since Mother's Day, my WH acknowledge how good of a mother I am and that I am a good person. Continues however to insist our marriage and the love is no longer there. I took him to child support, since we mutually agreed to this. I assume that this is putting a financial burden on him. But I see it as the less $ he has to spend on OW. For several weeks now, we have been on "friendly terms". WH has not argued with me. I refuse to give him divorce, 4 months have passed, A is still ongoing, my inlaws seem very unsupportive and do not get involved. Initially I wanted to report the affair to the NYPD Commanding Officer, however realize that since my WH was her training officer, his career may be at stake. It drives me crazy to know though that they work in the same precinct. I no longer argue with WH, bring OW up, have friendly conversations regarding our son's developmental milestones, and allow him to see baby 6-7 times a week. I have demonstrated a change in me, having truly realized some of my faults in our marriage. I really need advice on how to help my WH come out of this fogginess and fantasy with OW.
God Bless
Miraclebeliever [color:"red"] [/color]

MB,

Welcome to MB and I am sorry to hear that your young family has been plagued by this horrible A.

Please read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both are by Dr. Harley) and Love Must Be Tough (Dobson).

These will help you see your current condition and give you optional plans. It is vital the following be considered and implemented:

1. Secure your finances
2. Expect him to attempt to ruin your reputation.
3. Secure your personal support group.
4. Do NOT assume he is a good father while being a WS.
5. Expect him to introduce your child to the OP. I personally knew a WS who tried to get his 1 year old child to call the OW 'mama' and tried to get his child and the OW to take a 'family picture' as a father's day gift for himself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> The BS (a former MBer) eventually called me and both myself and another friend served her WS with a RO along with 2 police officers. The WS in this case was a professional body builder.... he was short but a very strong man. Still he was a WS and had t/b dealt with.

6. Get an MC who if familar w/MB concepts or see if you can arrange for phone counseling with Steve H @ MB.
Steve will help you get a good plan in place.

7. Keep a journal.
8. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Your child is young. Your H's presence is important but the WS' presence is toxic to your family. Do NOT enable the A by appeasing the WS.

Expose to relatives, co-workers as needed. If you don't expose to his work, this sends a message that you condone his activity. Yes, his job is already jeopardy.

Also he does not deserve to be a trainer if he can't control his emotions. WS' have no control over their emotions, especially greed, lust and anger. This makes him dangerous to his work environment.

Work under the guidance of a good MC and strong support group. Let your doctor and pediatrician know what is going on.

Expect him to accuse you of controlling him and wanting him to fail. While that may not be true, he is really accusing you of things he is doing.

Therefore, when you are ready learn to reverse babble to give him back his guilt so he will stop trying to blame you for his errors.

Learn about plans A & B. Learn how to identify your personal and M boundaries, then implement them.

Reassure your little one of your love. Right now he may not be able to tell you how he feels but children do know when a WS is in the room. Protect your child from the WS. Allow your child to be around your H but know how to tell the difference. Expect your H to morph into the WS in a minute. Learn what to do when that happens.

There is more....this is just some of the ideas as you head down this bumpy path.

JMHO,
L.

Welcome to MB; nobody ever arrives here in happy circumstances but you have come to the right place.

You say you're in plan A so I assume you're familiar with MB principles. That said have you read either of these:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1
They were given to me to read when I first landed here & should keep you busy until the pro's arrive.

b.p.m.

I am in your same boat, and I understand what you are going through. I'll be married 10 years in July, my husband left January and has OW right now.

Remember to take care of yourself. Don't worry whether he comes home or not right now. Now is the time to get reaquainted with God.

When I said lord, I can't deal with this anymore and I put my relationship in his hands, then I was given peace about it. THe more I read the bible after praying the more I am given answers about what to do.

I am glad you won't file, because God hates divorce. He does say that if an unbeliever wants to leave his wife let him. An unbeliever is anyone who disobeys the Lord, and yours is doing that.

I never read the bible much before this happened to me, and it's amazing the words of comfort that god has for you. It is much easier and reads more like a book if you read the International Children's Bible.

If you need places to go to I would be happy to let you know where to start. Also, I keep a prayer journal. As I pray for god to help or talk to him about something, I put it in black or blue ink. When he answers I put it in red ink.

God will tell you when to give up, and when to keep praying.
When I asked about giving up he led me to Romans chapter 8 where it says to " Have joy in your hope, find patience among trials and to never stop praying.

I hope this helps you.
God bless you and your little one, I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hello,
I am sorry you have to be here.

Please go to the Just Found Out section and read the threads attached to the top. I bumped two threads for you there as well. They are The Carrot and Stick of Plan A and Preparing for Plan B. Please read those too.

As for exposing to his work place - what is more important - your marriage or his job?

Remember that you did nothing to jeopordize his job. He did that on his own.

Remember you are not responsible for his affair. You are equally responsible for the state of your marriage before the affair.

Please read up and ask lots of questions here. Don't start a new thread. You can change the title if you need to. Keeping your story to one thread really helps those who want to help you.

One more thing: please break your posts into paragraphs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> The older eyes here really appreciate it. (thanks)

Hang in there

Orchid,
Thank you so much for the advice. I have ordered the books u recommended today. I have read about Plan A and feel that it is now that I am at this somewhat at this stage since beginning of MAy. Before this, I had tried not to argue, and appeared to be crying and begging Wh the 1st initial month after D-Day.

I then spent another month and a half acting like I had moved on, keeping minimal contact and small talk with WH. I yelled and retaliated back when he did. I think that I had even convinced myself that I no longer loved him and would never forgive him for the affair. I even consulted several lawyers, since I was determined to give WH what he wanted, the DV.

Then, it hit me...No!,I love my H and a willing to restore our marrage if we can. Before D-Day, my husband denied the A, which by then I had several evidence to prove such. I am at the point right now, where I am no longer mad; hopefully its not one of my emotional "stages". Like mentiones in others' posts, I have sat down and realized that I do have flaws and have been working on them to become a better spouse.

I have exposed the A to my family and his. I have a large extended fam; WH avoids some of my family members, since some of my cousins have turned there backs to him. I wish they hadn't bc Wh uses my some of my family reaction to A as "immature". Wh tells me its not their business, etc. He has also said b4, "even if we wanted to work it out, we couldn't bc our Families are so involved and hurt, mad, etc.,

I know who the OW is, where she lives, I have her parents and brother's name and address, obviously where she works since its @ the same precinct my WH works at. I don't know why I haven't exposed the A to her parents!!! I know that I've beeen afraid to expose A to the workplace bc its his "bread and butter" I also feel that my in=laws would be sooo upset, as I already feel the tension towards me already without doing anything yet to jeapordize his job as an officer. I know thart he's ruined my reputation to them and has said a lot of negative things about me as a person~reasons why he fell "out of Love" b4 the affair.
He told them that I belittled him, did not give hime the respect as a H, became upset when he wanted to go out with friends, was always arguing with him.

Some of this I must admit, is true. We became very distant especially after baby was born; baby suffers from bronchilitis/asthma since 5 months. He's been hospitalized b4 and baby did become my top priority. He has had several ear infections and continues to show "asthma" symptons up to date, like right now as we speak.

Aside from still being newly weds, new parents, my huband worked the afternoon/night shift. We had opposite work schedules, therefore hardly spent time together and when we did, we argued over nonsense; him working too much OT, which I know now he lied half the time. Argued regarding financial issues~I do have a higher income and when upset I did throw this to his face.

This is why I sometimes feel, WH feels inferior to me and with OW, he was her training officer and perhaps he feels that she looks up to him, which I'm sure she may.


I completely agree with u, that w/o exposure to work, they continue to see each other and its as if i'm OKing the A. I don't even know how I would go about contacting OW's Family, their JOB...Would I anonymously contact a Commanding Officer, write to someone A NYPD's headquarters??, etc. Do I call OW's parents, write to them or go speak to them (I have their home # and address)

BTW, my WH has already brought our baby around OW.

Currently, my Wh and are in "friendly terms". He has told me that he regrets saying negative things about me, since he realizes that I am a good person afterall. All this time he has insisted on divorce, however when brought up recently after court date for child support, he no longer sounded 100% confident of his decision. I really don't wat to misinterpret it, but I feel that since for about almost 3 weeks or so, we haven't argued or brought up A, maybe this is Y he's not 100%

I asked him that afternoon, "Can u honestly tell me that DV is ultimately what u want" and he responded "Well, that was what I was looking forward to" I questioned his use of the word "WAS" looking forward? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> And his response was "Let's not talk about it right now, whatever happens in the future happens." WH already knows how I feel about DV, how I would like to salvage our marriage. He had agreed to pass by our home (which he is no longer living in since mid-March) that same night to discuss DV/Separation. I informed him that I would rather remain separated bc heard of my instance when couples reunite eventually; He agreed he had heard the same but never confirmed that continuation of Separation is what he also wants.

The above scenario happened last Friday. Since then, several situations have occured. WH picked up baby on Sunday @ our home. While he dressed the baby in our bedroom and I got a change of clothes, he called out to me "BABE!" and quickly took it back by saying "Oh, um, I mean Jackie." LOL... I have not heard that word in @ 4 months. I know it slipped, however it sounded sooo natural and brought a smile to my face. B4 leaving, we agreed that WH would bring baby back at @ 7-7:30 PM or so. His family was having a BBQ @ his BRO's house.

I was dressed really nice and made it sound like I had some very important plans. Although he knows how I ultimately feel about saving our marriage, I have recently dermonstrated and tried to act as if I am moving on. I don't think it was mere coincidence, but he later called me to inform me that he was going out that night and needed to bring our son back about 5pm. I made it sound as if I was really disappointed that my plans were being ruined and cut short and asked him if he could just leave baby with his family and I would pick him up later. He told me no and that he'll just wait around, since he did not want to "ruin" my plans.

However, he still called me @ 4:45, 5:30, and 6:00, that he was ready to drop off baby. My phone had died, so I got voicemail messages. Called him back and once again we agreed to 7:30. He insisted NO later bc he had to "go out". It turns out that after he drops off baby, I realize he forgot to leave baby's bottles and sippy cup. It slipped out on him that he was driving back to his Bro's house and would ask his Mom where bottles were. With that I concluded that his intentions had been then to ruin my plans since he was never going out afterall. I was not upset at all however informed him that I was disappointed that he basically made me come home early knowing he could have stayed with baby. According to him, his plans had coincidently just been cancelled and this is y he was returning to bro's.

When he dropped off son, he saw me putting away soda, chips and other small groceries. B4 hanging up, he mentioned "But don't u have visitors anyway". Although true, I never told him that I was, but he had just assumed so. Oh, WH was also suppose to have him on Monday. I had also stressed previously that I had plans for Mem Day and he all of a sudden informed me that he had just realized he was working OT. I really don't think this was mere coincidence again and his intentions were to ruin my plans.

Yesterday when visiting baby, he began making small talk with me about a couple of arrests he had made the day b4. We have not had any small talk at all besides conversations regarding baby in a very looooong time. I kind of set him up as well, by leaving my laptop in the living room, while I showered. I later realized that he had gone through my pictures that I have on MySpace.com. while I wasn't present. Y is he snooping around?

Do u feel that I am overanalyzing everything and giving myself false hope? It's just he's never acted this way ever since D-Day.


I have also re-established a relationship with God over a month ago. I have complete faith in God and pray that He enlightened my Wh and help bring back my H. I have really felt peace in my life recently and will continue to pray daily. As mentioned in prior post, I have been altogether with my WH since we were 16 yrs old (11 years now) and can't imagine not being with hime "till death do us part".

I know this is a lot of info, however, I felt the events that have occurred during the last couple of days were important. I don't know how to take it....Should I speak to him again regarding or M again or just wait around???

Thank u so much and God Bless all!!

J

Bulletproof,

Thank u for the links and I am sooo happy I arrived here!! I have read others' post and can't believe the similarities in situations.

J

Kelley,
WOW I really feel that we r on the same boat...I have seeked God and church. I have others praying for me as I do so myself. I have also been reading Bible...especially reread daily Matthew 19:19 and Mark 11:23. Hope we KIT and will keep u in my prayers as well.

J

Moveforward,
I will definitely take ur advice. Since new hear, I am still a lil' confused regarding terminology. I will look it up, but what do u mean by thread? I'll just keep responding here so that I don't loose anyone who has been trying to help me
Thanks!!

I wrote back a very long post to Orchid, please read.

God bless.

***edited due to paranoia kicking into high gear! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L,
Read the links u sent me:
Reverse Babble
5 stages of grieving & Trueheart's letter

Would u recommend that I forward or rgive my WH a copy of Trueheart's letter?
Does reverse babble only apply to Plan B or when needed to be applied?

Regarding exposure to job, should I still go through with it even though it's been almost a month since we haven't argued? should I wait a lil' more? I'm just afraid to see and hear the nastiness and hurtful words that WH can say and fall into depression again. I am at peace when we do not argue.

I forgot to let all know that I went through very difficult moments living home alone with my almost 1 yr old baby after WH left mid-March. So, I moved in to my parents home for all types of suppport. I remained there for a period of 2 months. This is where WH picked up and dropped off baby. It has only been a lil' over two weeks that I have permanently returned home. I'm sure while living with my parents, my WH saw this all as weakness and dependecy on others, since he's always told me "U rely on ur parents too much." God Bless my parents for ALWAYS being there for me and my son.

These past 2 weeks, whether or not he's taken notice, I have demonstrated that while I still love him, I have grown stronger. I have demonstrated independence. I am strong and focused enough to now give my son unconditional love and attention. Perhaps even going to Family Court for child supprort has shown him that I am slowly moving on. Although he agreed it was the right thing to do, he told me he was surprised that I took him to Fam Crt. I have shown Wh that I have changed and will continue to do so and realize my mistakes and flaws in the past. I have told him that I realize that I have hurt him in the past, however it's sad to say this is what gave me a reality check. For the past 2 weeks I look my best, welcome him into what we called "Our Home" and act like everything is fine. There are no arguments and I love conversations regarding the baby's developmental milestones. I act like everything is fine, haven't spoken to him regarding A or DV. Should I continue to act this way; like I'm moving on~ Have moved back home, re-arranged furniture, have been attending more social events, even if it's just with my sister and cousins, etc. What's MY NEXT MOve???

Nevertheless, Living back home feels soooo GOOD!! Although my parents are great and accomodated me the best they could, nothing's better than having your own bed, baby's space, toys, privacy, etc.

RuncibleSpoon,
I came here for support, not for criticism or false interpretations of what my intentions are. My posts have not changed dramatically at all because ultimately I am trying to salvage my marriage. Post 5 was just to bring all up-to-date of what occurred over the weekend. I want others opinions as to whether or not I am overanalyzing these events because for the 1st time I felt hope that he does care. As mentioned in last post to Orchid, I recently moved back to my own house. I have grown emotionally stronger and for this I am happy; I am at peace with myself and with God and no longer have that anger towards WH. I also find that there is nothing wrong with me showing him that I am strong enough to move back home, and that yes, I now have a social life, even if it's just going out with family members. WH can take it however, bc I don't have to give details to where I'm going and with who(although mentioned in posts, "I made it sound like I had very important plans". So, NO I am not being PATHETIC at all. If that's ur way of welcoming me here and giving me great advice, please keep comments to yourself, because my life like other BS out here, is SO REAL. I don't know how u failed to see this.

Huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Did anyone else misinterpret me??? I don't understand why anyone would think I would be here to hurt someone. I am very upset regarding RuncibleSpoon's message! Once again I am here to seek help and support and find myself having to prove this to others here @ MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry about anyone else.

Expose to his employer. Call his boss and explain that your WH is carrying on an affair at present, but you are trying your best to save your marriage and would really appreciate their support.

Same thing goes for family and friends.

Reverse babble, as I understand, is for when you are in Plan A (in Plan B you have ABSOLUTELY no direct contact with WS) Reverse babble is a way of turning the guilt back on to your WS.

You've heard it I am sure. This is your fault. You didn't make him leave, nor carry on in an affair. Remember that.

Just know... your WS will be angry you called his employer. Good. Do not apologize for doing it. Just keep repeating, "I am doing what it takes to save OUR marriage"

I have not misinterpreted you at all.

As a former police officer, it is my suggestion that you report this issue to his commanding officer immediately. Exposure is powerful and in this case will be even more so.

I wouldn't worry about having to prove who you are or your intentions. We get trolls here on occasion and sometimes our radar might be a bit too sensitive.

Otherwise, you are getting good advice here from Orchid and MF. Make a point to read the Carrot and Stick info suggested.

I am sorry for your pain... I think we can help.

MEDC

NWTT and MEDC and all others offering support,
Thank you so much for your advice, since I really need it at this point. I am so strong and at peace when WH and I do not argue or have even the slightest confrontation. WH picked up baby this morning. He is suppose to living at IL's, but as mentioned before I have lost contact with them regarding my personal life. Any talk with SIL, MIL, FIL is regarding baby.

It hurts that I can't go to them for support. Is it a good idea to try and reach out to them. I sometimes wonder if they just don't get involved because they are ashamed for what has happened "A" or do they believe I am at fault for the crumbling of our M.

Well, morning began bad since called IL's home to speak to WH since cell is currently not working. He was not there. Hence, he spent the night somewhere else. When he arrived to our home, he was in a rush to pick up baby and go to his parent's home. I gave a sarcastic comment like, "If u want to be there so badly, then why don't u sleep there". He responded something like "I know, I got to go home; haven't even brushed my teeth". My heart sank again. Felt like my peacefulness was drifting away.

Then had conversation regarding Child Support. Reminded WH that we had mutually agreed to it. WH complained that he can't afford paying that amount and paying his bills. blah, blah, blah. I tried the Reverse Babble and told him that I understood that he was going through difficult moments. Contained myself from saying what I really felt.

Should I have mentioned to him that he is always welcome to come home. For several weeks, WH and I have not touched the topic of OW or A. Should I?

Will work on a letter to send to commanding officer.
Should I send one to OW's parents?
Should I contact IL's again and let them know how I feel...that I still love their son and would love to restore my marriage more than anything. Perhaps, they feel I've given all hopes and pursuing DV. Wondering what they think when their son does not spend the night there. Wh has told everyone that he no longer loves me, even before A. Wonder if they believe that, and would just rather have him happy??

I'm feeling so hurt and confused!

I will not allow WH place guilt on me regarding child support; we agreed to it and regardless baby is his son anyway.

P.S. I opened up Bible for guidance and peace and it opened up to Maccabees 6: 12-17.

J

Don't know what role to play..."The friendly strong I love you but yet I'm moving on" or "I love u and want u to come back home" type. He called not so long ago to inform me that he'll be dropping baby off at my mother's home. I then asked him why he just doesn't come home where he belongs. WH's response "I'll manage my bills and stay at my parents if it means forever; I already told u it's not going to work" I told him that I was very confident that it would if we tried. I know he's in that foggy stage and does not listen, but what should I do?????

Miracle:

About the exposure?

Short, Sweet and to the point. And SOON. Like MONDAY! Not next month, or piece meal, NOW!

To his commander: WH Name, and badge #, and the OW Name and badge number. Provide information about the time it started, its current status and thier duty realtionship. Copy the Internal Affairs (is that a pun or what!) Division as well.

To his OW Parents:

Short Sweet and too the point as well. State simply that your daughter is involved in an adulterous realtionship with your H, and is helping to destroy or 10 year R, 2 yr M and 10 month old son father. I wanted you to know the facts about this realtionship and my desire to repair the M. Your assistance is respectfully requested. My address and phone number is xxx and xxx if you wish to contact me. Send a picture of You, WH and Baby. Puts a face to it. Will really shake up her parents.

To everyone else:

WH is involved in an inappropriate relationship with XXX (NAME HER!) I am attempting to restore my M an hope that you will help me in doing so. Although there may have been some problems in our M in the past, this can be overcome, and I am working on me. My Son needs his father, and I need my Husband. Please support me in my efforts. Please call me at XXX if you have any questions.


Will your H be Angry? You bet.

Your response? I just asked everyone to help me put my M back together, they all knew anyway.

Your WH will say:

This is the last straw!

OK.

Now go buy His Needs, Her Needs. (HNHN) from this website.

You stepped all over your H most important needs. But you can change this. But you have to understand all of it. And its in there.

LG