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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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I am positive he and his current girlfriend would not be having the passionate sex they are having if he didn't have it done. Michele, I am confused. You said in your first thread that he was not having an affair but you say here HE IS. Is he having an affair? How many affairs has he had in the past? How many have you had? Did you find out why and address the issues that led to the affairs?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is not your fault.
Your husband is a serial cheater.
You could meet his needs until he's blue in the fact and it ain't gonna fix his character defect. Only he can do that. This appears to be more of a lifesytle choice he, unilaterally, has made. He's only single between affairs...then he'll feign being in the marriage.
You don't sound very healthy right now. He has manipulated you into accepting way too much blame for this.
As it stands TODAY, this man is NOT a very good role model for your children.
You CAN still have a true recovery, but in these situations...even the good Dr. Harley finds it extremely difficult and unlikely. It's just too unhealthy an environment for YOU. YOU MATTER. What about YOUR needs?? Is this man capable of fulfilling your needs, exclusively, forever???
Mr. Wondering
p.s. - she NOT his girlfriend. She an adulterous OW. Who is she? Have they been exposed???
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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He does have a girlfriend, or a potential one, at the very least. He is so defensive about that, he's even bringing it up without being asked. He is having an affair and that is why he is leaving, Michele. He is leaving so he can be free to carry on his affair without interference. It appears he has fallen out of love and this is the usual result. Who is the OW?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree with Mel, what may have been a potential, is now a possible (and definitely a probable). He's defensive about it....because he's guilty about it. Get some proof and expose this for what it is. Lots of people lose compatibility....but if there is someone waiting in the wings....suddenly that compatibility goes downhill fast.
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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Michele, you don't want to be a simpering idiot, but you do want to let him know that you do not agree with this seperation, will not COOPERATE with it, and are willing to correct the things in your marriage that made him unhappy. [if that is true, if you are not willing to meet his needs you must be honest about this] You must sound like a BROKEN RECORD with those 3 points. 1. Do not agree with seperation 2. will not cooperate 3. are only willing to work on marriage No wimpering, no whining, no lovebusters. Got that? In the meantime, say nothing about the OW, but find out who she is. Hire a PI, put a GPS on his car, put a voice recorder in his car. YOU MUST FIND OUT WHO SHE IS. Subtly ask him the NAME of his new trainee and track her address. Track down her parents, etc in www.peoplefinder.com. Don't TELL him you suspect an affair until you have all the information. If you have her cell phone #, you may be able to get her name from intellius.com via a reverse look up. A PI could more easily get ALL the information very quickly. But, you MUST quietly get this information if we are to be of any help to you here. And let me explain why. The biggest threat to your marriage right is this affair. This is WHY your H is leaving you. Until that affair is busted up/ruined you will have no hope of meeting his needs in any successful measure. Your goal here is to interfere with this affair and hasten its death so you have a CHANCE. The most successful way of ruining his affair is by exposing it. Affairs thrive on secrecy and when they are bbrought out into the open, it creates great conflict by ruining the FANTASY EFFECT. It forces the affairees to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others. It causes them to DOUBT the wisdom of their actions. This is what you must do. But, you cannot do this until you have all the FACTS. Getting these facts will help you win this battle. So, I don't care if you have to follow him yourself, you really have to find out what is going on here. AND QUICK.
Last edited by MelodyLane; 05/31/07 11:45 AM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have you tried to do a reverse look up on her # at www.anywho.com?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He wasn't doing what I asked him to do regarding sex. I have asked him to get a vasectomy, for years. Even his best friend, who is helping him leave me, told both of us a couple of years ago that getting his done made a huge difference. I am positive he and his current girlfriend would not be having the passionate sex they are having if he didn't have it done. Not only would my husband not get one, but he wouldn't wear a condom most times, because he didn't like the way they felt. How would he expect me to give myself freely and completely enjoy it when I had a constant fear of getting pregnant? So unfair to me.
I do not understand this at all..
If you have a constant fear of being pregnant...then why wouldn't you have taken charge of that fear instead of powerstruggling for years his right to choose not to...have an invasive procedure...
(is there also some religious backing to his refusal...)
if you can choose not to have your tubes tied...and he accepts your choice...
why is his choice not to have surgery unfair to you....
and your choice fair?? since you are the one with fear great enough it inhibits you from a healthy loving sexual relationship with your husband...
I don't get that battle at all...
have you thought about at all about revisiting this issue..and perhaps apologizing and making amends for making YOUR issue his fault for years....
that would part of my plan A if I were you....
Ark
Last edited by ark^^; 05/31/07 12:26 PM.
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Whoaaa Nellie..... You wrote:
What led to my affairs was I was crying out for him to change. I was so unhappy with the way things were going and he wasn't meeting my needs for stability, and for conversation, among other things Noooooooooooo. What led to YOUR affair and HIS is entitlement fueled by resentment, lack of boundaries, immoral and irrational decision making and selfishness. "The devil did not make you do it". Now, if we can agree here, then you are getting great advice from those posting here but I did not want you to miss taking responsibility for your affair and your (50% max in most cases) behavior that has led to the marriage being where it is today. That to me is a jumping off point towards trying to save your M.
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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JM,
You have shown your courage by taking responsibility. Let's get to work on saving your M!
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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Joined: Jan 2006
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I would be concerned about STD's JM. If your WH is sleeping around with other women there is no telling what he could pick up and pass on to you. Huge concern.
I know that you feel this is a way to maintain intimacy and plan A him and it may be, but I question at what price should he give you a STD, worse yet a life threatening one.
Tough call. Wait on others to weigh in on this.
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we didn't have intercourse , we had sex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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He called me after he talked to my friend to again reassure me that he has no one, and doesn't even have someone in mind. He said he wishes he did, because it would distract him and take his mind off things. Michele, did you read my post? You must find out WHO the OW is. Even if you have to tail him yourself. Can you borrow money for a PI frm your parents?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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It's not "paranoid" if its true. It's just being SMART. There is nothing "montrous" about catching your H having an affair. You have good reason to suspect there is an affair and you have an obligation to find out so you can protect yourself.
Figure out how to do this, Michele. Figure out where the "friend" lives. You have to figure it out. Take her cell phone # and submit it to intellius to see if they can get her name. Ask a friend to follow him. Put a GPS in his car.
Find out who she is, Michele.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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