I am foreseeing a divorce in my future, and no, I'm not sychic! I haven't posted in a while so here is a recap. My husband and I have had an up and down relationship since day one. On again, off again while we were in college. Then we were "on" again when I found out I was pregnant. Just a little over a year into our "on" and "off" relationship. We were engaged within a couple months and married the following year. We have been married for almost 6 years. We now have 2 beautiful children ages 6 and 3.

For the last 3 to 4 years, I have been asking my husband for more us time, and family time. We even resorted to scheduling a night out of the week that was off limits to his or my outside activities. If we wanted it to be an us night then I got a babysitter, if it was a family night, we did something that included all 4 of us. This lasted about 3 months and his outside activities interfered. I know I should have set up some boundaries and put my foot down, but I didn't.

We moved away from family and friends close to a year ago now and things have not gotten better. I am constantly left at home while he is out with co-workers, golfing, after-hour work events, or community stuff. I have repeatedly expressed my unhappiness, and he states that we have to sacrifice some of our time to get what and where we want to be in the future. I don't want to sacrifice my marriage anymore.

I thought things were going to get better after our last talk and they did for about 3 days, now everything is back to square one.

My most recent let down from him was last week. My grandfather passed away and we had to go back to my hometown for the funeral. He kept pestering me about what the plans were, and if we didn't have any that he was going to try and get into contact with some friends. WE WERE THERE FOR THE PASSING OF A FAMILY MEMBER! Then at the cemetery I was consoling a cousin, whom I am very close with, he is like a brother to me, and my husband was upset that I was not letting him comfort me, and stormed to the vehicle and waited for me there.

Our children see us fight sometimes, and my youngest (3 years old) says, Dad, you and Mom have to be friends. He replies, Yeah that would be nice.

I feel like there is no way for us to communicate. He thinks our relationship is fine, I am ready to leave. Now that the weather is nice again, he is gone 3-5 days at the golf course. Which we had to dish out $3000 for a membership. I have been there 3 times since we got the membership in March.

I'm frustrated, angry, and completely withdrawn from my husband. I feel neglected, and I know he won't change. My friends and family have seen a complete change in my personality. I used to be very outgoing, enthusiastic, and strong. Now they see me as a homebody, depressed, and angry, and fearful of confrontation. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't like who I've become. I don't want my kids growing up thinking that this is how marriage is supposed to be. I want them to be strong and independent. How can I teach them that if I am not those things myself? I don't see much choice but to leave. Any advice anyone could give me would be appreciated. Am I the only one that has been through this? Am I a horrible person for wanting to leave? I have no hope...

You say you've been to MB before, but did you actually really read the stuff on the site?
You can fix your marriage, but you need to be willing to change your behavior and expect nothing in return for quite some time.
Many people have gone through what you are, and there are ways to fix a marriage.
I truly believe that MB gives you the tools. If you need help using the tools, then get the MB counseling. Or, talk your H into an MB seminar to get an intensive fix.
Read up on the Emotional needs section and begin meeting your H's needs, and eventually he will begin to meet yours. You are probably already meeting many of his needs such as family committment, but you want more out of him while you are complaining about how little he's given. He's not incented now to give more.

Read, read, read.

I have read the stuff on the site, and I also purchased and read HNHN. My H is not interested in reading it, he is not interested in going to counseling. He says he will not PAY someone to tell him what he already knows. He also will not let me go to counseling on my own due to the $$$$. He says that this is the way things need to be for now.

I know that I won't see results right away and that they take time. However, my husbands biggest need is SF or so I assume since he won't read or do any of the questionairres. He says that if we had more sex that he would try to meet my needs. I have tried this for months with no results. Its hard to give your body to someone that has no other interest in you.

Gabi,

Try this--what do you have to lose.

Tell your husband that you understand his needs--they make perfect sense because they are the same as yours. He can go out on odd days and you will care for the kids and you will go out on even days and he will care for the kids.

Be sweet and calm about it, but stick to your guns until you get your turn. Keep smiling. He will understand the "my turn" way of thinking.

Once you have established a pattern of him staying home half the nights in the week, then you can gradually work somevof your own "off nights" into together time.

For example, I was going to________ on Friday. If you want to come with me, I could get a sitter.

The only way this is going to work is if you come across as loving and free of resentment. Also be understanding, respectful and appreciative.

And it will be much easier for you to release your resentment when you accept that YOU are the one who is responsible for getting what you want in your R. As long as you feel that you are doing everything right but are still not getting what you need, you will stay a victim.

If your husband doesn't keep up his end of the bargain, then you can still file for divorce.

I do have a problem with him not "letting" you go to counseling. Why don't you not let him to go golf? You can even use the same reason.

I agree with the posters on counseling. It is an investment, not an expense. Marital counseling is good (and not typically covered by insurance plans), but you have likely built up resentments and counseling can help you understand these. Individual counseling is typically covered by insurance.
A round of golf is typically $100 per round, about the same as counseling in some areas.
Don't let someone tell you what to do, you know what you need. Do it for yourself.

Of course your H doesn't see the value of counseling for you. He has a good game going here and it isn't just golf.

He doesn't want to fix you--you want to fix him.

I suppose I do want to "fix" him. I just want him to want to be with me. Spending time with me, some undivided attention. And yes, I can do the counseling for me, and just deal with the expense. I mean he spends what he wants right?!

By the way, it doesn't cost him anything to golf each round, it just cost $3000 a membership for him to golf whenever he wants.

Yes, that is the way it is supposed to be. We are trying to help you figure out why he would rather be doing recreational things without you when you are perfectly willing to spend RC time with him.

___________________________________________

how does he respond when you tell him you want to be closer and spend more time w/ him?

He says that this is how it has to be for now. That in order to have the things we want and be financially where we want to be, we have to sacrifice. We can't go out together because it cost more than just one of us going out. Because if we go out together we have to pay a babysitter, pay for dinner, or movie or whatever, and its just double the expense. Plus he doesn't want to have to find a babysitter, he feels like a pervert calling a house and asking some guy to talk to his daughter!

Its been this way for years, and now that we are away from family and friends and don't have easy access to grandparents, its even worse.

Gabi,

I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles. You definitely need some attention. The cold hard reality of us guys is that we think logically and often don't understand the emotional needs side of things. It is very possible that he adores you and doesn't want to neglect you but does not realize how important this is to you and how much of a toll it is taking on you.

That doesn't excuse his inattention one bit, but you'd be amazed at how short sighted us men can be sometimes. We think everything is hunky dory while our wives are so neglected they've already found the arms of another man, hired the lawyer, etc.

So I guess my question to you is do you think he cares about the marriage and wants it to work. It might be time to give him a wakeup call. Don't use the "D" word at all, that's completely off limits. But tell him you need to talk and tell him your feelings and be firm and let him know that your marriage cannot survive without some effort on both of your parts. But avoid the D (divorce) word no matter what. It's not an option, at least not in the conversation.

Don't be surprised if he reacts and say you're being selfish and insists he's doing all this for you. That is likely to be the way he really thinks right now. And shame on him for even trying to point it at you, but that's the way we are wired sometimes. It took me 3 divorces to really start learning much about relationships at all and I don't claim to be an expert today. But I am going to say it like it is and that's the cold hard truth of us men sometimes. Every once in a while one of us is enlightened and becomes a great husband, but I bet there are more husbands out there just likes yours than anyone cares to admit. And it's in no way fair and I'm not suggesting you settle. I just think you have to understand what you are up against.

So, when he reacts that way, if he reacts that way, don't take no for an answer. Insist that something has to happen for the marriage to survive. But don't use the D word, it's still off limits. Tell him you want to see a counselor with him. Insist on it and don't take no for an answer. Don't be demanding about it, but don't back down.

See, the D word or demands will just activate a defense response in him. And once we (men) start hurting that way, instead of waking up, we get even more short sighted. We will definitely be unable to see how wrong we are.

If he absolutely won't go, go yourself. Or call the Marriage Builders for some coaching. There are plenty of books and programs that approaching this from only one spouse trying.

So, for what it's worth, that's my thoughts on it.

Also, know that you can't make him change. He won't change until he is ready to. And he won't change until he thinks it is his idea to change.

This is where how you approach him and how you present things are so important. If at any point he perceives you are blaming in no matter how much to blame he really is, the defense mechanism kicks in.

And know that the only thing you can control and change is yourself. Divorce isn't going to make things better. Just read through this board and you'll see all sorts of stories about it. The people who made the decision to leave and thought it was intolerable are having regrets, second thoughts, often miserable, have far less time and money than they had before, found their lovers or other sources of attention were no better than their husbands or perhaps worse, etc.

Here's an article I like that touches on this:

http://www.journeythroughdivorce.com/2007/02/09/how-to-get-your-spouse-to-change/

thirddivorce,

Thank you so much for your insight. Until I change, I cannot begin to positively change our relationship. My H is a good man, father, and can be a good H. I am not giving up on my marriage! I am going to push these concepts again! I will not take NO for an answer! I deserve this, my H derserves this, and so do our kids!

LOL! I just gave myself a pep talk! Thank you to all who have been so open and helpful. I'll keep you all posted as to how things go...pray they go well!