I have been married to one woman for 26 years. I have loved her dearly and I feel she loves me as well. I have recently found out about multiple affairs with seven different men. Six of these affairs were in our first eight years of our marriage. The last one was 8-9 years ago. I had always suspected one of the affairs when we were first married and she always denied it. This past weekend God put a combination of events into place that brought her to a place of confession (this confession took several days). All of the affairs were with friends of both of us. Two of the affairs were with my two closest friends. Yes I am crushed but she is devestated. We have three beautiful chidren and a wonderful extended family. She was saved after were married and did not have any affairs from that time forward until the last one 8-9 years ago.

I have vowed not to leave and we have already seen a counselor and she is going for psychological help as well. She has not been happy for years and her guilt is tremendous. What I need is connection!! I do not know how to cope at times, I constantly pray that God build me up and continue his forgiveness to her through me. Can ther possibly anyone who has kept a chronically cheating spouse and made their marriage more beautiful than before. I know God is capable, I doubt that I am.

I am so sorry foy your hurt... your wife has serious problems that are NOT NOW AND NEVER WERE YOUR FAULT

PLEASE .... it is important that you understand this was NOT because of anything you've done or failed to do

her brokenness is inside of her

.... just to be clear .... what exactly do you mean? Are you saying she could have sex with multiple men in the future and you've vowed "to stay"???

I need clarification to your meaning

thanks

This is important ....

the WIVES of these men (if they are married) (... especially these 2 friends.... need to be TOLD about the adultery that went on behind their backs ....

these wives need to protect themselves

STD testing/counseling

they need to be protected FROM your wife in the future!

again, sorry

YOU call the wives, and you tell them what you've learned ... despite the shame and embarrasment, this must be taken care of

Nitram,

Welcome to MB...you've been led to where, I believe, you can do what you doubt you can...

God is capable...and made you capable.

You may not choose to do this. It's your choice, your right, as a BH. That's okay, too. Doesn't mean you aren't capable. It's a choice.

When you said you've already seen a counselor...will both go to MC and her to IC? MC can see you each separately, as well as together. You need as much help as she does...your life just got up-ended and wiped out.

It's not...just feels very much that way.

What is, I think, more difficult than those fighting for their marriage right now, with ongoing affairs, is finding out years later...because the intervening love deposits made get wiped out, too. The love bank takes a reality hit because lying by omission does that. Unreality rides the day...and learning how to take back reality is difficult.

Doesn't mean you can't do this. You just had the 220-volt connection with your wife this past weekend...too much, so...in her confession. Is connection (for the first time in 10 years or so) what you're really desiring? Or do you want radical honesty, 24/7?

Ask for what you need right now...she's capable. She's finally free of the fantasy, the self-deception...she can be radically honest. Lying hurts those precious selves that God created...stabs them daily, minute by minute, through our choice do we suffer.

You know the truth now. You're included. This is like a basepoint...and from here on out...you would do well to continually choose nothing less than honesty from you, to live from truth, and awareness, so you can also enforce your boundary.

And yes...I was a chronic cheater and we have a marriage now far more beautiful than before...after 15 years of crud. Through God, all things are possible. Not a pipedream...total reality. Lots of introspection.

Look up the screen name intention who also found out after 10 years...there are many others...

You aren't alone.

You're not nuts...you are reeling from a whole lot of pain from a lot of different sources. God will help you sort them out, sustain and love you all the way through.

This is your WW's problem...her choices...not about you...about her. That you choose to stay, to truly know your wife in totality, is where love walks, acts and is, in my view.

You are love.

LA

Wow!! Thank you so much for your response. I am choosing to stay and rebuild our marriage. We are seeing counselors togeather and she is seeing one alone. I understand what you say about her finally being free. The process of revealing her affairs to me was slow and painful but the initial weight being lifted off her soul was tremendous. My problem now is that she may not want to tell everything especially with this last affair. He problem now is that she sees the possibility of ruining so many lives, her witness, our children's lives, etc. This is what she is not coping with very well. We have commited that by the GRACE of GOD we will go through "this" whatever "this" may be. Thank you so much for your words of support.

Thanks for your response. My vow is renewed to love her as her husband. I will not allow any other affairs and we are establishing boundaries for her. I am pulling phone records to pinpoint her honesty about this most recent affair. She is sharing things about her life with me that she never did. However, I understand what you are saying and I have told her that this moment in time is a window of grace and if we go through all this and rebuild our marriage there is no room for another relevation of any other affairs past or present. Thanks for your help

The first one was when we were very young and the OM was not married. Her most recent A was terminated about 7 years ago (still a little fuzzy on this)and this couple has been our very best friends. STD's are not a problem because I have been tested recently because of my partnership in a company that requires high levels of life insurance which requires complete physicals and blood screening. The first counselor we saw said that neither my wife or I should tell the other spouse. He said to terminate the friendship and tell the OM to do the right thing and tell his wife and that is the end of our responsibility. I do have a question. I have confronted the OM (my best friend) and basically received the same details about their A as I was given by my wife. They both said that they never had SI but were intimate in every other imaginable way. The emotional attachment with this A was strong and in her other A's the emotional attachment seemed not to be a factor. Is this really what people call an A or cheating? And is it as serious as the actual act of SI? Thank you so much for your help.

Nitram,

You've been counseled to not share truth with another betrayed spouse. Your wife may have been counseled to not share truth with you, either...and she didn't, for years.

How does it feel to have knowledge withheld from you? Awful? Your WW already harm many lives...the only way to truly live free right now is to share that truth with the other BS. I know it's terribly hard...I know it takes guts, even quaking fear...do it anyway.

Why? Because that's exactly what she hasn't done in decades, has she? She was half the betrayal...telling OM to do the right thing is nutsy. He may have already told her...doesn't matter...don't know. Do it anyway.

Definitely break the friendship, too. It's been broken for years, though you may not have realized it. If you want to live from honesty, then hold yourself to it. To not tell OM's BW why you are breaking the friendship adds your betrayal to your WW's of her.

Lies compound...truth frees.

God wasn't making stuff up when he says this in the bible.

As for the seriousness of EA's versus PA's...

Think about what's behind an EA...where OM consumed her thoughts...and where our thoughts dwell, there is our treasure.

Huge ouch for me. EA's can hurt worse than PA's...because of that choice of what the WS treasures...which means, they aren't treasuring their partner, their marriage or their family.

You know she feels great guilt...can that come from something not serious? And she feared telling you year after year...not as serious? Interesting idea.

Good to know you guys are in both MC and IC...and I'm sorry you are losing your very best friends as a result of OM/WW's previous choices. It's a natural and healthy consequence to those choices...please hold to that dissolution of the friendship and don't gaslight the BW by not telling her.

I believe you respect her enough as your equal to NOT do that to her.

LA

ditto

this truth telling is an act of much needed INTEGRITY

the truth will not harm the other man's wife ... the AFFAIR did

changing directions in your marriage without shining the LIGHT of TRUTH and HONESTY leading the way .... makes for a dark road ahead

shine the light
it makes the rats and cockroaches easier to get rid of

I fully understand what you are saying. I have no fear of confronting anyone in this situation and telling the truth, that is not a hard thing for me to do. Is it my responsibility to do so? I am not yet clear on that. The friendship break I believe will eventually lead to the truth on the other side. When I spoke with OM about the truth it "seems" his intentions are to come clean. Yet I know that there can be no trust in what a cheating spouse says to those they have wronged.

I appreciate your view on EA's. You have confirmed why this last A hurts me so deeply. OM and WW truly took more than just affection away from us they togeather robbed our relationship of all intimacies and I see and feel how hard that one hurts.

BS is my equal but I am not sure she is my responsibility. I have told WW that there is no covering the truth up, just as all her old infidelities came out this one will surface sooner or later. My point to them is better sooner than later. How does it become my or my WW responsibility? I am not clear on that.

Thanks

She's really your FWW's responsibility. Understanding amends is really important. She harmed OMW. She did direct and intentional harm.

How can you both heal if you are unwilling to address where all the wounds are?

Now that you have knowledge and OMW doesn't, you share FWW's responsibility.

LA

Ok I am a nubie. You lost me what is FWW is that the same as my WW.

Nitram

I really appreciate your responses. The more I vent and get opinions the better I will be. In your response you say you were a "chronic cheater." My question is this what is the boundry for me and questions related to dates, time, actions, etc. Basically how much detail do I/She need to begin to get closure. Most of these A's were a long time ago but I feel as though they were last week because I found out just days ago. When I question WW I see the tremendous hurt and pain in her face. However, I feel a need to know so much especially about the last one (stil not sure of the total involment EA versus PA or some of both). What is right or appropriate.

Thanks

Nitram

Nitram,

Thank you for posting and sharing yourself!

I lost you at hello? LOL. FWW...Formerly Wayward Wife. I'm caught between the two designations...because this is a time lapse infidelity thingie. Usually, we don't earn our F until we know why we chose to do what we did and how to protect our marriage from doing it in the future...so I tend to think WW...and then I think...what if she knows (heck if I know) and stick in the FWW designation. Hey, it's all me and my mess. Not you.

"My question is this what is the boundry for me and questions related to dates, time, actions, etc. Basically how much detail do I/She need to begin to get closure."

Your questions are totally up to you. Each BS is different on details. The basics here are important...read Joseph's Letter (you can do a search), even print it out and give it to her to read. Explains why it's so important to have answered these questions...validates and explains...you choose to what level of detail you need. Some FBS only wanted big stuff...others, middle stuff, too...and me, I wanted it down to word for word.

Also know that if you want deep details (and I did the date and timeline to piece together what was taking place when), you may not get all of them. This was years ago. I didn't get all of them when it was only months before. LOL. However, I believe we get what we need, and as we heal, we need less, over time. Actions more than words begin to matter.

"Most of these A's were a long time ago but I feel as though they were last week because I found out just days ago. When I question WW I see the tremendous hurt and pain in her face. However,"

Her hurt and pain are real. Yours is, as well. No "howevers" 'k? Acknowledge and validate her stuff and your stuff...this is the work of recovery. Do not choose based on her pain right now...rather, choose to act from intimacy...share your stuff...and listen to hers.

"I feel a need to know so much especially about the last one (stil not sure of the total involment EA versus PA or some of both). What is right or appropriate."

What is right or appropriate for you...get to where it strikes your heart the most...you were excluded. She shared stuff with another man you were excluded from...shut you out of her experience...which is where the abandonment, the stunning falseness comes in...what you were experiencing back then wasn't real...hasn't been real...scary stuff.

Is the MC/IC having you guys do communication exercises?

Have you been reading up on triggers? (A's are a form of PTSD) Did you find the acronym list in "Just Found Out" forum at the top of it?

What would you feel if you saw her confession as her first act of intimacy in ten years?

LA

P.S. By posting to you yesterday, I got my perspective back with my DH this week. Thank you for being here. You're helping others, too, ya know.

Thanks for all the insight and the description of the acroynms. I am still strugling with the need to out my spouse of her A's. I have been doing alot of checking as far back as I can and I have yet to find any smoking gun that reveals any recent involvment with her latest OM or any one else. In my case the first five A's started 26 years ago and ended 18 years ago. And I am almost certain the most recent one was 8-10 years ago and I can not find anything that proves otherwise. Her story checks out with OM's story (I have met with him).

So the question is; Why? Why destroy any other lives (our children, their children, etc.) if it is not necessary. If my WW is truly repentant what is the positive of dragging all this up.

I know that I have just found out and part of me wants her to know how betrayed I am. But from her initial reaction as this came out and her behavior over the past week I have not been able to say that telling is the right thing to do.

Does God delight in anymore lives being damaged?

Any input would be muchly appreciated.

Nitram14

I don't think it would do any good to tell the OMW about the affair. It is up to him to do so, not you or your wife. She has come clean with you and it is time for both of you to concentrate on rebuilding your relationship. I know we want honesty and truth, but, perhaps sometimes it is better to leave past mistakes, just that, mistakes. What will it bring the OMW but so much heartache and pain, for the rest of her life. The trust will be lost; hopefully he learned from his mistake and has not had an affair since. No, you and your wife concentrate on your marriage and the healing of such.

i think om's w needs to know.
how do you know he has not cheated again since doing it with your w?

this woman needs to know who she is really married to.
and i think, in order for you wife to completely heal, she needs to let this ugly secret out and make ammends somehow. ask god for forgiveness and om's w. (only if possible. but at least other mans wife needs to know)

if i were going through what your wife is, i would want to ask forgiveness from those i have hurt so badly. it would just be part of the process for me.

mlhb

I am thinking that it may be best for her not to know. The A has been over a long time. With my WW it is something between her and God. We were counseled not to tell but to let the OM do the telling. I believe that is his responsibility and I believe that he should do it.

I can't see WW with that responsibility. The fall-out and destruction may not be avoidable if OM does tell his wife. My WW and OMW are close friends and OMW will be crushed by the A and it is possible that she will out WW and OM to family, friends, etc.

This is the fear my WW has but she is put that in God's hands and we will face whatever fall-out is brought by their A.

Thanks

I agree that OM should tell his wife because they need to heal their marriage. What I am understanding that even if you think what your BS does not know does not hurt her is not the truth. I don't believe it is my or my WW responsibility to do that.

Once vows are broken they are broken. The fundamental Godly pricipals can not be changed, dodged, etc. We do reap what we sow and if he never tells her then his marriage will not be what God intended for it to be. Especially since she may know already or suspect.

I knew but didn't know. In other words I suspected and usually when one spouse suspects there is a good chance that something is going on.

My wife and I have been talking about forgiveness and I see your point on that. I am working through my anger to get to the point of forgiving. My WW had six A's, all six were with men I called close friends, two were with my two very best friends. In order for me to heal I have to look these men in the eye and offer forgiveness. To me there is no other way to heal. I am praying that my WW gets to that. Her block is truly the pain that it will cause so many.

this "advice" comes straight from the adulterous playbook