This is my first visit to this site and I have found it very helpful, I have never posted anywhere before but the advice I have seen here makes a lot of sense. This is my story so far:My husband left 7 mths ago saying no1 else was involved but later admitted that he had been seeing some1 for 6mths although nothing had happened. At first I was distraught and had to have counselling and some serious medication but have now got my life sorted out although I still love him and want him back desperately. About 3mths ago I started living life again and it was at this time that he began to have feelings towards me he thought had gone (he recently admitted this). Since then, has called me, emailed and visited as often as he can and not just to see our 2 wonderful daughters. It progressed to the point that we were flirting with each other constantly which resulted in us kissing. He then began saying that he missed being part of the family and that he often thought about coming home and I told him that this could only happen if he ended his other relationship. After about 3 weeks he did this which was Monday just gone. We had spent the weekend as a family and he reassured me that this was what he wanted to do so he left the family home to tell the OP that it was over. The only contact we have had since then has been email and he is clearly in withdrawal. He can't sleep, feels sick and doesn't know if he has done the right thing. From what I have read on this excellent site is that this is normal but as he has already left the family home (he lives with his parents, not the OP) do i still start with plan A or is this redundant? Look forward to hearing your advice on this as I am willing to do anything to save my marriage. Thx

Plan A sounds like a GREAT idea....

EXPOSURE is important



how old are your girls?

any previous marriages/affairs?

any drug/alcohol/porn problems too?

this is MY outline for Plan A

*HERE*

but you should really get Dr harley's book SAA (see bookstore link at top of page)

Thx for replying pepperband. In answer to your questions, our daughters are 7 and 13, there are no previous affairs or marriages but my husband was a dedicated weed smoker til 2mths after he left us. He admits that this played a big part in our breakup as he was only interested in when he could have his next spliff and not doing things with the family or doing things like DIY, so this obviously built up alot of resentment from myself. I am pleased he has finally stopped smoking but I did wonder if it meant he could only be with me whilst stoned!

I shall take a look at your outline and will get back if I have any questions. Thx again.

Having read your outline for plan A, I believe I'm already implementing the carrot dangling. But how can I be sure that I'm meeting his emotional needs without actually asking him outright? Or is this what I need to do?

As for the stick, I have exposed his A to my friends and family, his sister (who believed WH met OP after he had left) and our daughters. The OP was, as far as I know, single and I do not know her or her friends.

He knows that I was devastated by his actions and had to have medical intervention but I don't know if he really appreciates how bad things actually were.

Initially, I did accept the blame for the A, but I realise now that he had a choice on whether he took that path or not and I am not responsible for that decision.

As for the consequences of the A, I'm not really sure I know what you mean, perhaps you could explain this to me.

Many thx

Hi tarnsey.

I'm in Blightey if I can help in your timezone. I'm not pep but I'll do me best for a Brummie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi bob,

Thx for the offer of help it would be much appreciated. Have read some of your posts and you seem to be a wise man who has managed to overcome many of the things that I am facing now. Any advice will be welcome.

tarnsey

I just read through what you wrote in response to Pep.

Firstly I truly know how you feel. Its about the worst.
But having seen a few tens of similar situations, yours has a lot of hope honestly !

Many folks have to work hard for ages before they get a spouse with the affair already ended and being wracked with guilt.
Also you seem to have NOT been a doormat so far which is also good. Needy or soppy BS are sickening to a wayward spouse.

I agree with pep that plan A is the best thing for you to do now. It is not very instinctive, but it WORKS.

When I was in your shoes I got the most BRILLIANT advice from vets, and it is highly relevent.

I bundled some of it up in a toolkit Click here

Make some coffee and read. My advisors' smarts are incredible.

Now my biggest concrn right now is with your H's herb consumption. I never knew anybody addicted to herb, but I sure know some folks who live is a pathetic lazy green fug as a result.

That has to be verifiably stopped before any marriagebuilding will work predictably with him.

FInally, you need to have a think aboit your "personal boundaries". Boundaries are the behaviours you require from your H ( in this case) in order to keep you in a relationship with him.

Mine are :

1. NC for ever with OM
2. Transparency in actions
3. prioritising my heart over her desires

I would divorce Squid over persistent violations of these even now. Not to PUNISH he, its not a demand - but to protect myself from hurt and indignity.

You need to work out YOUR and veriafiably no weed EVER has to be one of them IMO.

read up and employ mate.

I'm not sure if I understand it all. My husband left 4 months ago. I've lost 76 pounds, the house is clean, he's complained because I've complimented him on his looks and the work that he does.

I'm trying to avoid the LB's but, since I can't get him to fill out the form, I'm not sure if I got them all.

He was over last night and we talked about what would be different if he were to come home. Next thing you know we were intimately involved.

Then as we cuddled, I asked him to please come home. He said he felt smothered, he wanted to run. He had an affair, but it is over, there is no one right now. I even sneeked a peak at his cell phone and the only calls were work or his best friend.

All of his emails go directly to the phone also. I did not see any emails that were from anyone else either.

Is it typical as plan A works for them to draw near and then want to run ?

I'm desperately trying to save my marriage.

Hi Kelley, we seem to be in similar situations. I too have lost loads of weight and have changed inwardly as well. My WH has noticed the changes I've made and I think these were instrumental in him having 2nd thoughts.

My WH only ended his A 4 days ago and since then we've only had contact via email although he says he will phone 2nite. I'm letting have his space but also letting him know I'm here for him when he wants to talk. I don't know what else to do.

I wish I could give you some advice but this is new for me too but it looks like we've found the right place to pick other peoples brains who have been there already. I hope all turns out well for you.

I have been married for 23 years. A month ago, my two sons confronted their father about having an affair for over a year. He has chosen to leave the home and live with her. In the end his decisions was based on him not wanting to be married to his best friend, but be with someone who he could have sex with and he has no desire for me because I am fat.

We are both alcoholics, sober 23 years, but NOT living a recovery life. Our home life was chaotic to say the least.

Since he has left, I have lost 30 lbs, gone back to AA, got a sponsor, am working the program, our home is calm, I am exercising regularly and finances are starting to look up.

But - he won't come home because he has no desire for me. However the woman he is with lives an unbelievably chaotic life which he says drove him from our house.

I believe with all my heart, my husband is in a mid life crisis and dry drunk. However, this other woman won't let him go and I can't battle her because she is prettier or sexier.

Can this marriage be saved?

Barbara

Mazel Tov on the weight loss. How did you do it?

I watch what I eat, Eat small meals, and exercise. Of course I believe the stress plays a big role in it.

I've been giving H his space. Thinking about how to reveal the big A. I don't see his friends. I was going to shoot out an email to everyone, but one of the LB's that made him annoyed was that I would share our business with His mom and My mom normally to ask for help or opinions. I don't want to create more LB's.

Spent Monday at the hospital with my daughter. He is so depressed and lost right now, he would not even come be with her. Father's day we took presents to him. It was not his weekend, but I know that day is special. My D didn't even want to go there. He took the presents and then ignored her. He can't look me in the eyes right now.

I'm praying that God is convicting him and that is why. He came to see D yesterday and when I was cutting the grass He let her go play and he sat down and watched me cut. Then he went to visit the neighbor. I watched him turn his chair at the neighbors to be able to watch me.

When I was done I cam inside and He followed. He said to me, there's something I need to know. Last time I picked D up and you were going to the mall you told her you were going to tell the guy from the pizza place she said hi. Do you have a boyfriend. I said of course not, I have A Husband. Seperated or not I am still married. I didn't shout it, but said it quietly and calmly.

He turned and walked outside until D came in. Then as she talked to him, I caught him glancing my way.

I have bought and read Surviving an affair and Love Busters. Working on His Needs/ Her Needs now.

With the way he's distanced himself from both myself and my D, I prayed and asked if I should be throwing in the towel. My response was a sermon on rebuilding friendships and relationships.

I'm trying to hang in there, but feel a downward spiral.
ANy encouragement ????

Tarnsy:

I heard a great sermon today on God's Will.

It is God's will to reconcile because HIS word tells us that he hates divorce, so in keeping with the covenant that we made with God and our husbands to ask for reconciliation is what God wants.

However, unless you have complete peace when you ask, or if someone else could get hurt in your request for reconciliation, it may not be God's will at the present time.

That's how it is in my case. My husbands depression needs fixed before he comes back so that he doesn't destroy my daughter. That's how I know that although It's God's will to reconcile my marriage, it is just not his will at this present time.

Tarnsy:

How is everything going for you ? You haven't posted in awhile.

I hope and pray all is well for you.

You must check out under General-Infidelity - Rollercoaster Ride plan A (Bugs). Her site has been so helpful for me.

tarnsy,

Just read your post. Sorry you are going through this. Your shouldn't add to your sadness by thinking that it was weed that induced his ability to be with you.

He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. It's up to you if you want to be there to help him along. I'm amazed that you have stuck it out this long...so do beat yourself up too much about it.

Hope you're doing okay. Lots of luck to you.

Scripture of the Day:

"Strength and stability are born in the storms of adversity. Your reaction and response to trouble during the hours of your suffering will determine the extent to which God can effectively use your life for His glory."


I also needed to give you this one as well:

"He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted" (Isaiah 53:2-4).

We are to treat our spouses as if they were Christ like. This scripture to me made it seem more visible. There is nothing in our husbands that we do desire right now, they are men of sorrows with tons of suffering because of the evil influence and the blinders that Satan has so desired to put on their eyes. They are carrying our sorrows whether they want to admit it or not, because of the Guilt that God has placed in their hearts. Even through these tough times, we can still see that our husbands do take after Christ, and we must remind them of Christ's Love.

Remember Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud.

The love of God, and of our neighbour for God's sake, is patient toward, all men. It, suffers all the weakness, ignorance, errors, and infirmities of the children of God; all the malice and wickedness of the children of the world: and all this, not only for a time, but to the end. And in every step toward overcoming evil with good, it is kind, soft, mild, benign. It inspires the sufferer at once with the most amiable sweetness, and the most fervent and tender affection. Love acteth not rashly - Does not hastily condemn any one; never passes a severe sentence on a slight or sudden view of things. Nor does it ever act or behave in a violent, headstrong, or precipitate manner. Is not puffed up - Yea, humbles the soul to the dust.

You are in the process of softening your husband's Heart !! Keep up the great work !!!!



Prayer for today:

Dear heavenly father, we just ask you to open the eyes of Bill and any other sinful husband and soften their hearts. We pray that they will suddenly be obedient to your voice Lord, and we pray that you can allow them to suddenly come to their senses and to make them want to follow you.

Lord, we also pray that you can enable us to have positive communication with our husbands. Most of all we pray that you might mold us into the christian women that you need us to be. Show us lord what needs changed in our lives, and show us how we can be a better servant toward you.

This we ask through Jesus name as we pray, amen.