Lurking a bit here and reading all your letters I can feel the pain that we all endure. I'll get to my situation in a moment, but first I want to get personal and ask you all a question.

One recurring theme I see in letters and in my own response to infidelity is "images". I can't help but imagine what my wife and her lovers have been doing, in detail. These porno flicks play over and over in my mind, and when they do, well, I get the expected response of a man who watches a porno flick. In this case, a cold shower will just not suffice... if you catch my real meaning.

To me, this is the very essence of a betrayed's pain. I don't want to torture myself with these images, but there they are. Its the true meaning of being a cuckold: enjoying, in a sick way, your wife having sex with other men. But I DON'T WANT TO BE A CUCKOLD !

Are any of you experiencing the same thing? Or do I need to see a shrink?

Ladies, I know you can also suffer from distressing images of your husband with his lovers. Do you have a similar response?

Now the kicker, and you'll know I need a shrink. These images are from a time over 25 years ago! I hate to show you what the future holds if you are now in the middle of affair troubles, but the pain will last a lifetime. Not that I have been constantly bothered by the searing pain of discovery. Recently due to some trigger events my feelings from the past resurfaced like an emotional fossil. But the images have been with me regularly all these years. I divorced my wife after discovery, so even with some "justice", her affairs have a hold on me.

In my case, my wife was a serial cheater, and left me with an ample supply of "prono flicks".

Please talk to me. Maybe if we get the monster out in the open we can kill it !

Pardner, I'm sorry you are still suffering this long after having dealt with your wife's infidelity. Let's clear up a couple of things.

First, you're not a cuckold. I think instead that you are in immense pain and it colors your entire life. Look, you discovered you had been betrayed, you made a decision you would not put up with it, and you took action to remove your WW from your life.

What you're describing erroneously as a cuckold is actually representative of an emotional disorder some people are afflicted with. They are similar to masochists; they seek out painful acts to increase a need for humiliation. These people need immediate psychological analysis and long-term therapy.

I don’t think you’re “enjoying” these images, friend. If you did, you’d be on another website. You’ve tried to analyze why these images taunt you and hurt even after this long and you’ve convinced yourself that you must enjoy it, or they would stop. Not true.

I suspect you haven’t let go of them because you don't understand why a person you loved so dearly would betray you on this deep a level. She may have never showed any sign of remorse and dropped you out of her life like a pair of old shoes. You wonder if she ever did love you and you wonder how you didn’t see it. You doubt your judgment now. If you chose a charlatan who so easily cast you aside, how can you ever trust yourself again…and it goes around and around and around.

Sir, I would do this first. Refuse to think about it tonight. Whenever the memories start flooding in, think about the last ballgame you went to, the last picnic…whatever good memory you can force yourself to concentrate on. Work on giving yourself some relief tonight. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I think you should start looking for a well-experienced counselor, perhaps a psychiatrist, who can work with you so you can let go of the pain and set these images aside once and for all.

Hang in there, pardner.

Longhorn and all,

Well, you make alot of assumptions in your response. I really just wanted to hear from others about the inner workings of their pain. I know the "images" are a common trait of the grief associated with infidelity.

Probably the people in this community are dealing with much more painful and heavy stuff than I right now. My pain in now just in my head, not in my house.

Can't cram a lifetime of facts into a few paragraphs, but I'm really doing fine now. Except, I've got to work through a resurgence of images from 25 years ago.

By the way, for anyone listenting, the most powerful weapon I have found against the images, is memories from prior girlfriends, or, if you can or must, images from new women that you create after you've separated from your spouse.

Still would like to hear from others about the inner struggle of infidelity.

I pick up my bible.

I drop and start doing pushups. (I did 240 yesterday alone, in sets of 20)

I start talking to someone - anyone - even myself if I'm alone. I find that speaking causes me to stop the film.

Cheatedon25,

It has been three, count ’em, 3 years since D-Day 2 of FWW’s VLTA. And the porno movies still run in my head. Quite often. Every day almost. And always when I start to feel frisky around FWW.

These are pretty good movies too, wide screen Cinerama, with THX surround-sound and smellovision. I would be richer than Hefner if I could market them.

I have taught myself various tricks that are pretty good at booting these unwanted movies out of my head, but that process also always kills my desires for FWW. This is cause and effect with me. I am very nearly to the point where SF is not in my list of ENs at all.

These images don’t hurt me any more. They just are. Like clouds in the sky. They pass. More will always come, but they also will pass. I have learned to live with them.

Do I think I am loony? No.

Don’t listen to anyone around here who tries to tell you that you are loony. As in: I think every one here is crazy except you and me C25, but lately I have been wondering about you.

I refer you to the disclaimer at the top of every forum page: “With the exception of the Marriage Builders® Weekend Private forums, the advice offered on these forums is offered by your peers - it is NOT professional advice and should not be taken as such. If you want professional advice, please look at information about the MB Counseling Center, or seek a professional counselor.”

You will receive, already have it appears, replies from various amateur psychologists. Take them with a grain of saltpeter.

With that said, are you under some new stress lately?

Have you had recent, or will you be having, contact with long ago ex? Could be stirring up bad old emotions.

With prayers,

ed: Actually, I am more curious about what a trigger looks like after 25 years than I am about the fact these images are recurring.

"To me, this is the very essence of a betrayed's pain. I don't want to torture myself with these images, but there they are. Its the true meaning of being a cuckold: enjoying, in a sick way, your wife having sex with other men. But I DON'T WANT TO BE A CUCKOLD !"

Who does? Take a number.

I don't want to be any kind of OLD at all.

But here we are. What do you suggest C25?


For the record, the precise definition of cuckold is a man who's wife is pregnant by another man. As in what the cuckoo bird does to the nest eggs of other birds. Although common usage is as a label applied to any BH.

So, since you divorced her, you literally were (common usage) cuckolded but you are not now a cuckold.

with prayers,

Aphelion,

Thanks for your thoughtful and supportive post.

The trigger for me was returning to the town where my marriage ended. That spawned a major rainstorm... I liked your cloud metaphor.

The cuckold word can have many meanings, like the purely technical, a bird.

But its easy to find cuckold websites that will teach you a another meaning.

Real life is complicated, but as long as I'm being honest I'll reveal that I did actually share our bed with my wife and another man. Now there's a mind movie!

But at that time, I felt it was a gift to her, in comlete trust that she loved me above all others. I think I was probably set-up for the occasion, and it turned out later that she was in love with our interloper, but still in love with me too.

When I discovered the depth of her deception, and well as the breadth (other guys too), I cut her out of my life for good. I think she was also very hurt by the break-up.

So the reason I'm posting here is that after 25 years I'm trying to make a change, and NEVER conjure up those deliciously sickening images again. I think they've been a barrier to a fully happy life.

But how to fight it? Generally, I'm trying to limit my fantasy life only to stories where I'm the hero.

Also, I'm avoiding any type of pornography where another man's penis is visible.

And, lucky me, I'm appreciating the wonderful wife I have now more than ever.

I'm looking for a clear blue sky in the future.

Life's complicated, so again I try to capture the essence of my experience in a few short easy-to-read paragraphs.

And my sympathies to those of you now eating the raw pain of infidelity.

Cheatedon

BH (me) 53
WW 53
M 5 years
DDay 10/21/1979 a long time ago
Currently married to someone else

Maybe you should try not looking at any porn - make you and your new wife the center of your sexual world.

When thoughts of your previous wife come into your mind, replace them with thoughts of your current wife and yourself.

Honestly, if I were your current wife, I would feel betrayed by you thinking and being moved by your ex wife.

Dear MoveForward,

Life is complicated so I leave out details.

There are no secrets between my wife and me, but that's off the topic.

Have you had some experience with images that you could share?

I imagine its a particularly difficult issue when you are trying to reconcile with your wayward spouse.

Cheatedon

I'm a little past one year and I still have the images that replay in my head from time to time. I don't, however, get any kind of arousal out of them and they simply hurt. As a matter of fact, the images tend to kill any libido I may have. I have a hard time understanding how these images can be painful yet arousing at the same time. I find them painful and they only serve to anger me.

I had a problem with them being a constant presence in my mind, but I don't have that anymore. They do come up from time to time. They came up more when I still had feelings for my ex and considered reconciling.

The images would enter my mind and I would remind myself that there was the OM she had a ONS with and that there have been others since.

Now I feel reconciliation would be like someone asking me to put on their underwear, if that makes any sense. I really have no desire to put on used underwear.

How can you possibly find these images painful, yet arousing at the same time?

I came across video on the PC at home of WW and OM going at it.

And still shots from camera phone on her camera as well.

It was like being punched in the gut by Rocky Balboa.

Took a loooooong time to get over that and once I got secure with myself, I stopped snooping becuase I realized I didn't need to see what it most obviously going on.

The reaction is highly emotional, very visceral, and powerfully devastating.

Crossroads, and Brokendreams

Ouch man ! Finding a video of them together must have been a shock. My sympathies.

But why would I find that rather exciting at the same time?

Part of it is that its so forbidden, I think. Its out there, risky.

Part is to marvel at her sexuality. Kinda like "wow, what she's doing is awesome".

Maybe its because it hightens her sexiness to have her be desired by another man. Its like she's a playboy bunny or something.

Part is to marvel at the sexual power of the other man, which I imagine to be greater than mine.

It all gives me that same punch in the gut that you describe.

Seems like alot of the same reasons an affair is such a kick for the wayward spouse. Forbidden is automatically exciting.

But it hurts at the same time, its a challenge to my self respect. I gotta fight to really feel that my sexual power is pretty great too.

That's why after the discovery of her affairs, I had no choice but to seek validation from other women. It was a matter of the survival of my self. My self respect.

BrokenDreams: once you've left your spouse, thinking of being intimate can be like wearing someone else's underwear. What a great way to describe it. Unforunately, I'm still fighting thinking about other guys wearing that underwear. I never fantasize about having sex myself with my X.

So now this thread is buried and become inactive. I'll just top it off with some parting thoughts before I move on, and stop visiting marriage builders.

For those of you who end up here sometime in the future, you probably searched on "cuckold" to get here.

Now after all these years, I've learned that you should never marry a girl that hops into bed with you without a courtship. That girl doesn't know or respect herself much, and will likely hop into bed with someone else after you are married.

I've learned that being fascinated with your wife having sex with other men is ultimately a self-defeating habit.

I've learned that one must constantly strive to make the sex in a marriage exciting and real. No fantasizing about other things while making love to your wife. Its her pleasure, stupid!

Thanks for the responses and the opportunity to "yell from the mountain top".

Cheatedon