Yep, paternity test before signing the birth certificate.

Here in GA, a woman can have an affair, get pregnant and the husband IS responsible for the child no matter what.

I will just remain a husband.

Not the husband she wants. I think my FWW is used to super frog. LOL.

The man who makes good money, good with the kids, cooks dinner, picks up after hisself, washes dishes etc.

Not the man who thinks that just because I make more money I am the king and she should do the rest. Even though she only works part time.

I am not going to be Mr. Lovey dovey all is great.

She will do or not do. If she does she can have back the super frog . If she does not she can have the toad.

I will just give to others that are more worthy.

Hi, pariah...frog's not concerned with the paternity of the child if I'm understanding correctly...

this is about her choices to make independent decisions...major decisions in their lives...

Not worried about paternity.

That at this point isn't even a question luckily or I would be getting the test.

Heck we haven't been out of each others site in the last 6 months. LOL.

Frog:

Not much time now,

But I get it. Not repecting your opinions, choices and needs.

"They can't be right, they conflict with mine!"

Been There, Done That.

But My W discovered Harley.

And it created a sea change in our relationship. Broke thru, as it were.

Many of the things you describe? Yep. But she made more money, even tougher.

So.

What has SHE learned about MB and Dr. Harley?

Can you go to the Marriage Builders Week End? It made a huge difference for us.

LG

frog,

just want to say i can totally understand why you are angry.

sorry to say, but i have no respect for "tricky" women like that. she wanted a child so she just stopped taking the pill. i think that is a HUGE deception. i would never ever do such a thing as that. you must say to her "gee, why even ask how i feel or what i want because you are going to do what you want to do anyway!" that must be how you feel.

nope, you have every right to be mad about this one.

mlhb

Well, at least you can find some serenidipity in all of this...

As far as WW, it appears that you are just accepting whatever she does, but I guess if she wants the Princess Charming back that she'll do what she needs to do!

Okay!

LG,

I think going back to MC is necessary soon.

I like the face to face. The reason being the MC can pick up her body language.

Rin,

Yep if she wants to be in an M where we both look out for ourselves and our own wants then I need to do the same.

So for a while I will.

I might even stop on the way home and get the 42 inch TV I have been wanting but waited till it went on sale.


Mlhb that is exactly what I said. That is exactly how I feel too.

So time will tell.

What sucks for her is I am a man of limited wants and needs to be happy. I am a happy person.

I won't be miseable in this M if I get SF a few times a week and nothing else.

I of course would like more but if that is all I can get then so be it until the kids are old enough.

She on the other hand needs more.

Not going to fill her need for conversation when she interuputs me.

It sucks to have to be here but I am.

How does SHE feel about this child, if I may ask?

Frog, shortly after the end of my A I got pregnant with my youngest DS. Without TMI my H decided on his own that he wanted to have another child. Yes, I participated but I was not planning a pregnancy. (my H did not know about my A at this point btw) Anyway, I was extremely angry about the pregnancy. I did not want another child at that point as our M was a mess. We were in the middle of MC, so we dealt with a lot of this then. Anyway the point of my posting to you is that after giving birth to my son I fell madly back in love with my H. Head over heels in love with him and the baby. Once the child arrives, I believe you will instantly forget how he/she came to be and just plain be in love with the little one. I do hope you will forget this tit for tat with your FWW and I hope you both will work diligently at making the most secure, happy home for your children.

Rin,

She was happy as a clam. Now I don't know.

I think she thought like everything else this too would pass.

It has actually stirred up other stuff. TBH this is not a good time. Four years ago on this very day she stepped off a plane in NY that has changed my life forever.

Faithful. I will love my new child till the day I die. The FWW and I had a lot of work left to do.

I asked what she was thinking she said she thought we were doing good. We were doing better not necessarily good.
I was not done getting over her lies and deception from her A now she lies and decieves for this.

Not a good check mark.

I will get by. I know I will. I just don't know how my M is going to be now.

I think I am going to be pi55ed for a while over this one and I don't know what she can do the help herself.

I just can't believe her...you have a gem on your hands Frog...you really do.

I have no questions about how much you will love this child...especially the way that you are with the boys.

Yep, getting over the lies and deception...the hardest part, then this...I understand...I only hope that you get over your anger before the baby starts moving around and her belly is big and round...with a foot poking out...

I would hate for your feelings to get in the way of enjoying that wonderful time...PODS would pick on F when I was pg for him...PODS even read books to him at that time! Nothing for L, but I ahve those memories of him with F which I can share with him. You KNOW they love to hear those stories! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WHat was it like for you with the boys?

Rin,

I know she is feeling it now though. I feel so much healthier now.

I see my codependance just melted away over these last few years.

Yesterday she emailed asking about my day. I said I was busy but fine. I asked about her. She said not good, depressed and lonely. I thought well I am done acting.

I am upset with her and her decesions. She pulled getting mad at me because I was upset with her thing. I pointed that out. I told her that doesn't work with me anymore.

I am upset about your actions. I have a right to be upset. If you would like to get mad at me for being upset that you did this I a ok with that.

I then said if perpetuate that behavior could you imagine. She was a little confused. I said so now I am going to get upset at you for being upset with me for being upset with you. Then you will get upset with me for being upset with you for being upset with me for being upset with you. How confused are we going to get. I bet we will forget what we were upset about. Oh that's what you want. Then I just restated why I am upset.

I haven't really talked to much to her in the last week.

Communication is one of her biggest EN's.

So this may very well be the straw for me. Not a D of course but I have tried everything else maybe just doing my own thing for a while is what I need to do. Not worry about her or her EN's until I see the changes I need to see.

We have to go to OS's IC together today. Yesterday she of course didn't want to go.

The OS is slipping back into his old ways which by the way are PA. I am dealing with it by pointing out the PA behavior.

I told the FWW if she interupts me in front of him and contradicts and overides me with him we lose. That is what he wants and expects. He doesn't respect me because of that.

She asked if it was her fault. I said I don't know but other then that what Have I done to make my son not respect me.

I don't smoke, I have a beer or two every MONTH or so. I work hard, I am good to him, I provide for him. Tell me one action of mine that would make him not respect me.

Now if he sees you don't respect me then maybe he has learned I don't diserve resepect.

Funny thing last night he got mad at us for being upset. HMMMM. He goes out for 3 hours without checking in and then when we are upset he is the victim. He kept saying he was outside playing. I finally said to the FWW "he was at a friends playing video games." What game were you playing I asked him. He replied none of your business. LOL So when I told him I won't fall into it I think my FWW knows where he learned it. She was shocked he said that to me.

She said go to bed with no dinner. He said no. I said go get me 5 dollars if you want to eat my food.

I took his money fed him then sent him to bed. No yelling.

Pointed out the PA behavior.

So now that the FWW is pregnant I need these issues to be resolved quicker.

She has been in AA for over a year and a half and is still working on step 4.

Everyone I spoke to said that is too slow for someone that blames much of their behavior on the alcohol.

So now I have a new baby coming into this world. I am great with it as long as I have a partner.

On this one I am not picking up the slack for her. She will carry her weight for the extra responsibility. Not me.

Okay, I heard you and you needed to get that out, good job! I understand and think you are doing a wonderful job with both the FWW and OS...

I was surprised that he said that too! Age?

now, try this one again!

LOL...slow down and let's remember...LOL...or are you getting to old to remember those years...LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

I am getting old. LOL because I am struggling to remember.

With OS it was the typical first child rubbing the belly talking to the baby. Treating her like a queen (mostly) I watched her diet. LOL.

With the second it was good until we found out he was a boy. FWW really wanted a girl and she wasnt' to thrilled it was a boy.

The OS is now 11 quite a smart a55 but hopefully we will get through it.

I think I was pretty good during the pregnancies.

It was a really special time for myself...especially with F and the way PODS treated me...completely opposite for me on L...

I can't have another one now, but have opened my mind to that possibly in the future and reversing the process...I just never know what the future holds, I would like a little girl too! I was disappointed that L was a boy too! But I got over it really quick because I realized I didn't have to buy anything new!

Frog:

You will be good during this one as well.

Good job about the R E S P E C T thing.

Both with the 11 YO and FWW.

Establish your boundaries and call out her behaviors and what you expect from her.

Are you hoping for a girl this time?

LG

LG,

I know I will. It is really just too much to deal with the FWW right now.

I am smack dab in the middle of her affair month. It was this time she had the affair. It took over 3 and a half years for her to come clean about everything. 3 marriage counselors 2 IC's for her one for me. My OS is in IC because of this.

It was 6-7 months ago I decided to give it one last try. I thought we were still working on it I guess she figured it was fixed.

So now I am dealing with the triggers. I am dealing with the baby. I am dealing with the OS.

Geez if I was a weak person I think I would snap.

I don't care if it is a boy or a girl as long as it is healthy.

For her sake I hope it is a girl. She really wants a girl.

We will see what the future holds.

Rin we gave all our stuff away. We were pretty sure we were done.


Left a small window just in case. I was actually leaning toward a vasectomy but I wanted to wait until after June to decide.

She decided before that for me soooo. We would have had to buy all new stuff no matter what.

Frog...

I have been lurking around on this board for about 2 wks just reading everyone's posts and absorbing their ideas etc...
I am on my 2nd M, I have 4 children, 2 by first M, and 2 by current M. (DS 13,DD's 11,3,2) My two older children are extremely disrespectful and have smart mouths. I agree with you on the fact that your oldest sees her disrespect for you and continues in the pattern. Are you having probs with the younger? Usually the younger siblings see the oldest as the "ring leader" and figure that if that one does it they can too. It is like a huge domino effect, that makes an entire household stressed out and miserable.

About 4 mths ago when I realized my M was crap, my kids were disrespectful and I was miserable I decided to buy the book Nanny 911. This book is incredible, it has made such a difference and it points out so many things about the parents relationship that has an incredible impact on the children. It is also something that makes you sit down with your spouse and come up with a game plan to get your household in order.

The main key is setting boundries, household rules (written down on a visable chart) and CONSISTANCY!!!! It points out what we do as parents that effects our childrens every action and reaction to a situation. It is kind of hard at first being consistant, especially if you have a child that has some emotional fallout (my first M was abusive--verbally, emotionally and eventually physically... so my first 2 children have seen and heard more than I would have ever wanted them to, and I think my oldest being a boy and thinking his father was some type of God contributed to a lot of his disrespect for me and women in general. I also put him in IC for about 8 mths, which helped a little, but not as much as I wanted it to. Probably because I would take him to IC and then every other weekend he would go to my EX who would 'undo' everything I was trying to do and told my DS that he didn't need counseling it was for sissy's)

It is amazing how much children pick up on our M problems and use that to their advantage to act out and show disrespect. I strongly encourage you to get this book and read it, also if your FWW is so intrested in putting her M back together and getting her family in order she will/should be a willing participant in this method. With your son being the oldest and the 'ring leader' you really have got to get his disrespect under control or you will have an even bigger problem when he hits the preteens and his testosterone starts flowing. He will then start turning his emotions towards others in the family (if he hasn't already) and that spells disaster. I know I am there, however we are starting to get it under control with boundries and consistancy.

I wish you the best of luck with your M and your children, they really are a blessing from God, and you sound like an awesome, loving and concerned parent.

_______
Me 37
H 34
M 4/2002 together since 97
4 children (DS 13, DD's 11,3,2)

Advocate/Counselor for Domestic Violence