Long story short is my wife had a same office interest a couple of years ago, and they have been keeping in touch.

This has led to full on physical affair, and I approach wife with the fact I know what she is doing and with whom, and I did so in a very calm way, and told her I am willing to forgive and reconcile and work on this.

I have inside information on what she told her friends why she is angry with me because I did not listen to her, talked down to her, and when she saw me making changes, she noted to her friends that *Now he's doing all these things! Its too late!!*
Is that all babble talk?

She moved out to be with family, and only took her raw essentials, which means alot of her items are here.

I called her yesterday to tell her a package came what do I do with it? She suggested I take it to her familys home and drop it off. We proceeded to talk abit, and I told her how much I love her, how I believe there is still hope, I forgive her, to keep her head up, and I told her I know I have things to work on.
She said in a semi-aggressive voice that *You do have a lot of things to work on!* I said I understand and am working on those things daily. I was upbeat and positive through, letting her know things are looking up work wise, and very well in that area I may say. I am trying to attract her in some way but feel stuck in the bog of despond.

We are in our 30's been married for 10 years, got married quickly I suppose cause its the same time span we have known each other. Was it love at first site? I believe it is.

She says she's in love with the other man, still loves me, but not in love with me.

I am currently reading the book When the one you love wants to leave.

Where am I now? What do I do? How do I handle this?

She asks me to take her computer to her familys home, but I do not want to enable her, and also do not want to feel manipulated either.
I know I will eventually either see her or her family members at some point.

How do I approach this? Is the ship sunk for good? She said to me after I called her that When she is ready that she will call me.

Truly keeping_strong

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Your wife is babbling all the stuff they all do - why are you changing now, when it's too late, I love you, but... and blah, blah, blah.

You can start in Plan A which it seems you are doing. Also be sure to expose the affair to her parents, your friends, at work, and to the other man's wife if he is married. That usually cools off the affair a bit.

You need a plan and NOT enable the A. If a package came for her, let her know. She's got legs, she can come and get it. As for the computer....let her go get one. That one stays in your home.

Have the locks been changed?

She loves OM? How rude and cruel.

Where does your in-laws stand in all this?

L.

Oh yeah, this is all babble talk. Now you are making changes when it is too late--pure babble. She is justifying having sex with another man while she is married to you. She is still in that fog, fog affair world. You need to expose this affair to all so that it is seen for what it really is-- A roll in the mud. She is so self-righteous about what she is doing. Aggressive about the changes YOU need to make?? How about the changes SHE needs to make like stopping an intimate relationship with OM??

Do you have kids?

Get all your information together and expose this A in one fell swoop. Do not tell her that you are doing it, just do it.

You need to get a plan and get in charge of your life and your finances. She will call you when she is ready? She is manipulating you and you need to stop this manipulation by getting your own plan together.

Best
Lake

This is keeping_strong I lost all my login information.
I went to her familys house to drop off bill money, she is in a bad spot financially, and all around in a bad spot resource wise. Her family said she would have no where to go if it wasn't for them to help, they feel so horrible at this situation.

I did ask them for their support in this, and they noded in agreement, and also agreed that ultimately the choice is hers. When I mentioned that I am getting my life together and moving ahead, I said that you never know another woman may like what she see, and I ended that by saying, I do not want another woman, and they were totally like "no, that's right, you don't", meaning that we need to work it out, at least that is how I interpreted that.

Her family is traditional in the family values angle of things. They told me she is very depressed,stressed out,and doesn't have a good appetite, all she does is come home, eat some dinner, shower and go to bed, or at least that's what I am being told, knowing her schedule some playtime with the other punk is fitted in somewhere.

In fact I was told by her family that the landlord of the place they (family) are renting asked if she can come back, and I said she can as long as she stops the affair, so I suspect that pressure is building up in that part, but she could end up moving in with her friends or whatever. I feel the situation could get worse, but who knows.

I was wondering why her family kept telling me that she will be here soon, I took that as to mean if you want you can talk to her cause she will be home soon, but did not stay for that to happen.

I think I blew it though as I look back as I was talking to her family about my plans on moving forward, rebuilding the nest and stuff like that, because when I knocked on the door I heard her family call what I could have sworn was my wifes name to open the door, but I don't think thats right because she would have been at work? Anyways while talking to them they said how they had absolutely no idea what was going on, and how quiet she had kept it from them.

I exposed the affair to them, my wife herself told the man she is seeing that I know who he is, and where he works, all of her friends know, but quite a few seem to be supportive of her screwing his brains out. My wife exposed her own affair to all of her other friends who did not know, is that a good thing, bad thing???

I feel like a legion of demons is her support group in this,cause some people were telling her that she should be free, if she isn't happy that there are others, and this coming from a load of ****** who are cheating on their own husbands, that's not all she has sent nude pictures of herself to other men, I believe one of them is married too.

The situation sounds pretty bad to me. One of her "close" friends is having an affair also, and I never trusted that trash bucket, always being manipulative you know, getting mad when my wife would stand up for what she believed in saying in passive aggressive "I don't get support" go tell your husband about the guy you are screwing at the beach!

She cannot get into my place cause I asked her for the keys, which I noticed for a split second by the look on her face that she was surprised I would ask that.

You see I completely broadsided her with this, she was planning on leaving my in several months according to my information, so she may have been trying to save up money in the meantime, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free....

She has no car, has to take the bus to places, and maybe to work, unless her family members each pitch in at different times or whatever.

I am hurting pretty darn badly right now, but God has been giving me peace of mind through this. I have a list of items to work on in the house to get it all cleaned up, it was one of the things she use to ask me to do that I never did.

We have no kids, we have separate bank accounts cause she use to dip into my funds when we first got married and when I had no money to pay for things I would get mad, so I put a stop to that.

Can you guys help me out with getting a plan together, I feel this is a critical time, and when I went to order the books Surviving an Affair, and His Needs\Her Needs, the delivery time is 7-10 days UUHGH!! If there was a big red panic button I would have hit it already!

I know I will have to have contact with her family some more, and we even have the same gym membership, which I have not been going to, and especially don't want to run into her, and am afraid I may break this guys face if I saw him there cause I think thats where he would pick her up for.
Your ideas are greatly appreciated, and if you can help out with a plan of attack as I wait for these books.

As an update and a note for myself. I wanted to mention that my WS's gym membership is currently paid for by me, am I in the wrong to go tomorrow and have them cancel her from my plan? I understand BS's do not want to enable their WS's, but this just came to my mind right now!

She is really tight on cash, so I know that this is all very stressful for her, and am wondering at the look of horror on her face when her membership doesn't scan in, am I being evil for having a laugh at that? That isn't the idea, but to get her to as she put it "Have my own space, and time to think", she can think of making it day by day to start with.
Anyways I had to vent, am currently listening to music, and breaking down boxes from a room turned into storage locker.

Why I even started looking at buying a King sized bed, and throwing that defiled wireframe infested thing called a bed out. Its in great shape, but I am in "sacrificing" mode and am throwing stuff out that cost me money, but I want to have this place to be how I like it, classy, with taste, as it reflects my awakening state from the slumber I have been in all these years which I feel has contributed in creating the environment for my wife to have an affair.
Again your thoughts are welcome.
Dune.

Don't finance her affair. Cut her off of your funds as of now. She needs to feel the affect of her actions.

Is the OM married? If so, expose to his spouse and family.

Being that there are no children. I would sit down and think real hard if you want to cut your losses and let her go.

Do not give her money. She should be paying YOU for things in your household.

And, yes, cut off her membership.

GNF,
The OM is married with children, but I do not know his home address, all I have is his cellular, and I have his work email. I do know where he works cause that is where my wife use to work.
Gym membership will be canceled today then! I have been thinking hard about this, and I love my wife, and more importantly I believe our marriage can work out once she is willing to reconcile. She is aware of these things, so I am doing all I can at home and in my life to be better, and to work on key areas that sparked this affair which were in our relationship.
Things like being more attentive, not being so hot headed when I felt "nagged", but being able to communicate how I feel to her in a loving and calm manner, praising her, rejoicing when I see her, giving her credit for suggestions, acknowledging her efforts to the marriage. There are plenty of things but this is a thumbnail sketch.
Dune.

NWTT,
You mentioned she should be paying me for things in our household, so I am wondering how I handle the mail for our bills? A few key items are in her name, so do I call up these places and ask them to change the name to mine?
After speaking with her family I told them I would be by weekly to drop off mail, so I will try and fish for information on how she is doing that way, but am wondering that since we are not in contact directly, and only deal with her family? Wouldn't I want to be in touch with her somehow or someway? Or is going through the family enough because I am sure they will let her know her husband stopped by, he said he is doing this and that, even is getting a new bed cause he through the old one out. I added the last part causer I am planning on doing that, and feel that by giving new tidbits of information progress wise on what I am doing, my in-laws will let her know "He is trying, go work it out" maybe I am grasping at straws.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster, but I feel I am letting go emotionally, which I understand according to the book "when the one you love wants to leave" it is suppose to be a good things

I ordered SAA in the wee hours of the morning using premium shipping option. Can't wait to get my hands on it!

I am in such a mental state and feel so incapacitated that I feel I need to ask for help on tying my shoes in a manner of speaking, so if some things seem obvious to you, it is not obvious to me, and I am thankful for your help.
Only 4 hours of sleep, think I will go back to sleep and milk another 2 hours and get my day going, it's like I just moved in to our place with lots to do.
Dune.

Dune,

I would consult with an attorney as soon as possible.

There are ways to protect yourself from her financially ruinous efforts while she is actively engaged in the A without divorcing.

She should absolutely understand that while she is committing adultery and acting like you don’t exist, then you don’t support her. You support a wife that acts like a real wife.

This is called eliminating the cake that she’s stuffing in her pie-hole right now. She wants all of the good support that you can give her (it’s an emotional need) while getting more emotional needs met by the OM.

We call this cake eating.

Show no quarter to the OM. I have little patients for people that engage in A’s with married women. Put him on your exposure list by all means. By this I mean contact his employer (particularly since she is a former employee) and threaten legal actions over this issue and demand that they help to resolve it.

Find out if he has surviving parents and put them on the list too. He should have to completely own his actions too.

But before you do ANY of this make certain that you are educated on the MB plan. Ignorance will destroy your marriage under these circumstances. You can not afford a half a$sed attempt at this.

A few days reading like crazy and gathering up your exposure game plan is not going to make a difference in the long run.

Be the patient man and you and your marriage will likely win.

Exposure is the key to breaking up the A. Find the OM phone # or address and expose to his spouse and employer.

She will be angry but you should not apologize for the exposure.

I agree with the others - find out how to contact the OM's wife. That is the single most effective thing you can do to save your marriage. Usually when THEIR wife is involved the other men quickly end the affair.

Plank,
I will be calling up my lawyer tomorrow, he use to be a divorce lawyer,and he helped me in starting my business up which was making only a few thousand a year, so I had 2 jobs regular work during day, and side business after work.
I did this to provide us a better future..

I will speak to him as I told him what happened, but need further counsel and I am sure he can recommend a colleague, and I will start exploring options here.

I will ask him about the fact that this affair had manifested itself while my wife was working at the previous company, and what I can do. Maybe I should call up my wifes previous work place, they got bough out by a huge company, so I am sure that "integrity" and "ethics" among their employees is what they want to have, and this can cause issues.
Who do I speak to about this? Should I be transferred to the HR department?

You mentioned that the OM should be on my exposure list, do you mean him personally and directly? If so how do I go about that?
I traced the cellular number I have, and I received generic information, and am almost positive that this cellular is issued by the company he works for as he is a sales person or something like that.
Good info, tough pill to swallow, but I like it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Dune.

I am actually considering calling up for a coaching session and scheduling one. It will be by myself, but feel I need all the coaching I need to save my marriage.
I am hoping the coaching will supplement a strategy while I wait for the SAA book.
I couldn't go back to sleep by the way, so I am on 4 hours sleep, but feel like I had 15hours, meaning I can go about my tasks for the day.
Dune.

Dune - contact the other man's wife. Look for her in whowhere or intellius. That is your best course of action. The phone counseling (even only one time) is worth the money. But try to expose the affair to his wife first.

Dune,

hang in there brother! I feel your pain and I just started my exposing this morning! My WW has been having A for at least a month now. She says the OM makes her feel safe and appreciated!

I too am eagerly awaiting my arrival of SAA -- seems always out of stock!!!

Meanwhile, I am applying the carrot and stick of Plan A along with exposure at this point. I plan to make her feel appreciated and "firmly" love on her, but not accept any excuses for what occurred.

Also -- just take care of your health as well!

God is able to see you through this!

Prov 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, Lean not on your own understanding and HE will direct your path."

I am standing by for the wrath of the exposure. "God is my strength" -- from Sniper in Pvt Ryan!

I wanted to ask if the fact that my wife spilled the beans to all the people she knows in her online community journal if this is a good thing or bad thing for me? She basically did it herself, and from the information I had it seems many were fooled, including myself and her family.
She basically exposed herself, I am in the process of exposing her for example I called up the gym today, and spoke to one of the girls there and told them I wanted to cancel my wifes membership, she said your wife needs to sign cancellation form, I said that cant happen she is having an affair with a married man with 2 kids.
The girl immediately tried to stop me from continuing to speak on the issue cause she didn't need to hear anymore of it, and after I gave her my name, and phone number she said a manager will call up. I am canceling the whole plan.
I train twice a week right now anyways and am in shape, don't need to look like a Ferrari with a Yugo motor underneath if you know what I mean.
Dune.

I cannot see it being bad for you!

To my inexperienced mind, its whether your WS's exposure would help her come around. Also, I do not know how influential any of these people are in her life.

Doesn't seem like casual friends will have much of an effect on her!

Swade88,
I'm hangin tight my man, maybe a little too tight, but managing.
That SAA book does always seem to be out of stock, they need to create an ebook version of it so it can be downloaded from the site after receipt of payment. It increases sales, and all that stuff.

Is your WS living with you or not? If not how are you making her feel appreciated and loved while not with you?

Generally, and from what I see affairs are based not only on lies, deceit and all that stuff, but from what is lacking in the relationship. if she has what she needs, why go elsewhere.

I think I prayed more, and read the Bible with more understanding than I have in years, it's as if the words are speaking right to my heart. God knows what is happening, His word will not return void to Him.
I really like Psalms 34, 91, 23, and really really like Revelation chapter 19, starting at verse 11. This really hits it with Jesus coming as King and Conqueror, all this stuff will be gone swade88.
If you can read up some eyeopening ones that really caught my eye like Galatians 6:7-9,2 Peter 1:3-5, 2 Peter 2:11-13, 2 Peter 2:18-20

We need to be praying diligently for deliverance, for our spouses to be awakened and prompted by the Holy Spirit, and ask that Jesus hold them close to Him in His loving arms, and to break the demonic chains that have bound our spouses.
That God take not His Spirit of repentance from them, and as a result His word be fulfilled that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance.

This is war on different planes my friend the devil is like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour, but remember greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world, submit yourselves to God, resist the devil and he will flee, draw nigh to God and he will draw night unto you.

Remember Gideon? You can read about him in the book of Judges. He went up against 130,000 with only 300 men, and all they had was a torch and a trumpet, and God handed them the victory! Stand your ground, know that God is before you to win this battle.

I'll be reading these words again to myself as well cause I know tears will be coming out sporadically throughout the day.
You hang in there swade88, and everyone else, we're fighting upstream, but we will make it by the grace of God, we need to trust in Him.
Dune.