Hi My husband left 10 months ago stating he know longer loved me enough to work on our issues. He has been on/off with his contact with the kids and I found out in Feb. that he was actually seeing someone in the months prior to his leaving. The last two months he has been around my home, seeing the kids, having supper with us, talking about doing things right................and then lone behold the kids and I see him with his "girlfriend" on sunday. He stated that he was no longer with me so that makes it ok. We are legally seperated but no divorced. Is this cheating and how does God look at this > I am so confused. I feel like he lead me to believe he was working on us but denied that is what he was doing "sorry you felt that way" is what he said when I asked about that.
I am completely devestated all over again and not sure why> I think about them together and am not sure why . I was doing well dealing with this all but maybe I got my hopes us a bit to only have them destroyed . He has always lied to me and this is just another lie I guess.
Any comments????????? or suggestions
thanks
shelly

He was cake eating. Your husband is having an affair. Read around the site about affairs, and the pros will chime in shortly.

We're here for you.

Your husband is having an affair. As long as you are married, he is not free to date.

Welcome to MB and I am so sorry for the reasons you are here.

Simply put, your husband is having an affair. It probably started BEFORE he moved out. It looks like he moved out to be with his affair partner. Please read the material on this site and get the book Surviving An Affair and read it.

Please understand that he will lie his face off and use every trick in the book to justify his betrayal. Read Plan A for how to deal with it. Remember Plan A is a carrot and a STICK.

Frankly, you need all of the education this site can give you and then some. Please read everything here. This forum is for supporting and helping you understand what you need to know.

Larry

God looks at it this way...he is married to you until He says you two are no longer married. And He defines how that can happen in Scripture.

He is still married. He is committing adultery.

IMHO, if he was leading you on in anyway, then divorce was not imminent and therefore I feel he was cheating.

and no matter what side of this discussion your H may fall on... his involving the children in anyway is deplorable.

IMO, you will have a difficult time convincing the vast majority of people that your H was indeed having an affair(that is unless you can show that this started before separation). Have divorce papers been filed and if so, when and by whom?

You can pretty much bet based on his behavior that he was having an affair all along and that he left for just that reason. If I were in your shoes, I would handle the matter as though this has been going on for an extended period of time. I would fact gather on this woman and see if she is/was married...I would contact an attorney to see what your rights are regarding infidelity in your state (each state differs when it comes to dating while separated) If in fact sexual contact while separated is considered infidelity in your state, I would make a point to get a PI to get proof. Heck, since he feels that he is doing nothing wrong, I would see if you can get him to admit what he has been doing on an email or letter. It's possible.

You say he has always lied to you...if that is the case, perhaps it is time to send this joker packing. Before deciding to make the effort to win him back... to see his affair end...ask yourself if you are really better off without him. Not all marriages are worth saving and not every WS should be welcomed back with open arms. Decide for yourself and then follow a plan. There is lots of support here for helping you save your M...you just need to make the decision if it is worth saving now that you have this information.

if he was with this woman BEFORE he left you than i feel she is an affair partner. HOWEVER, once you are legally separated you are usually free to live your life as if not married. What does your separation state? Mine stated that once we signed this document, in the eyes of the law, we were "free to live as though we were never married and were not currently married"

I began dating several months after we signed our legal separation and ex moved in with ow. i, in no way believe i was having an affair by dating. not the way my legal sep is worded anyway.

and, i could use exes behavior BEFORE the signing of the separation of agreement against him but once we signed the agreement, he was free to live as he wanted. i could no longer legally use ow against him. (i am in NY)

the way i see it, if it is the woman he was with while you were still together yes,she is an affair partner. but if this is a new woman he met and started dating after the separation agreement was signed, he is free to date her in the eyes of the law unless your sep agreement states otherwise.

sorry for your pain.

mlhb

Dating while married (even if sick, poor, rich, hungry, tired, or "legally separated") is an affair in the eyes of the One who matters.

That's your opinion... I know Christian's that feel otherwise since the process of divorce has been made so cumbersome by the governmant. In the time the Bible was written, divorce could, to my understanding be completed with a simple writ by the spouse.

Since divorce has become a money making machine for lawyers, I do not feel that a divorce occurs only when a judge says so... or when the lawyers have sucked all the parties dry of money.

I understand the basis for your comment...but also remember that not all are Christian and share those beliefs. And if it is God's law that governs the technicalities of divorce, then there better be one set of rules governing how the divorce proceedings work in this country....right now there are at least 50... and Christian's throughout our country are being held to a different set of rules because of government drawn maps.

Also....Deut 24:1 clearly states that the spouse (husband) is to write a bill of divorce and put it in her hand....not a lawyer, not a judge. It would seem to me, filing for divorce and being separated would satisfy the requirements of Deuteronomy 24:1.
"Let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of the house."

I would agree that for practical reasons and if there is even a slight chance of reconciliation (some spouses KNOW they will divorce following infidelity)then any dating should be avoided. As always... sexual activity for all Chritians outside of marriage should be avoided.

medc, i agree with you.
i am a christian, very active in my church, bible thumping!

i believe once there was infidelity and i chose the out god gives for infidelity (after giving it a 4 year try) and a legal separation was signed, our marriage was done.

i agree with you that it is the states who cause all the issues. not only do you need a legal separation, then you need to pay for and implement a divorce. it is ridiculous.

i feel the ONE who matters does not see me as having an affair. i went through all the motions required.

princess meggy or anyone else:
please do not sit there and accuse me of having an affair. i have a relationship with a wonderful man i met 9 months after my ex left and 5 months after the legal sep was signed. it is HARDLY an affair. i definitely believe and see things much differently than you do. again, i agree with medc.

mlhb

As a christian whose husband left her only 4 months ago also, yes it is cheating.

I've been fighting the same issues, one minute he wants to come back, the next he wants to be free to do whatever he wants to. Remember...this is not our fight. The battle belongs to the lord.

It says in the bible that if an unbeliever wants to leave let him leave. An unbeliever does not mean that he does not believe in God but that he is not following God's words. God also says he hates divorce.

I believe that even if the divorce papers are filed and a divorce is force through, it is not final until God lets you know in some way.

Now is the time for you to turn more to the Lord and let him strenghten you. Ask for his help, Ask what his will is for your marriage. The times that I've prayed and told God that I wanted to give up, God gave me scriptures telling me why I shouldn't.

And as far as the infidelity goes, remember, God tells us that we should forgive others the way that Jesus forgave us. Your husband is being tempted by the devil, because he does not want marriages to stand firm. Ask God to show him the way, Ask him to help him turn to God, and ask God to give you strenght and patience.

Romans 12:12 says to Never give up hope, have patience in the midst of trials, and never quit praying.

I will pray for your relationship also. God bless you, and if you need any words of encouragement please email me.

God Bless....

god also hates adultery and that is why and the only reason if i am correct, that he gives us an out in marriage.

fight for your marriage, you will know when it is time to let go. i clearly believe after 4 years of fighting, i felt free that god was guiding me to let go of a situation that was never going to change. i did it for my children, i did it for me. my son deserves a better role model than that. and i deserve better than to be constantly cheated on.

you will know, in your heart,when it is time to let go.
and when it is, turn it over to god.

i have a wonderful christian man in my life now. i have grown more spiritually this last year because of him than i did the whole time i was married to someone who was supposedly saved. what a difference it makes to be equally yoked.

mlhb

Mlhb...sounds like we are on the same page with this.

KD...thanks for your offer for prayer... my relationship is with the Lord and a nice woman he has put in my path right now. Life is wonderful. I don't see things the way you do...but I understand why you do. I hope your WH comes around.

my goodness thanks to all of you for writing. I talked with him today again and told him before God we are still married as he would have to divorce me to remarry WHY because we are still legally married no matter what he thinks. Well it did not go well at all, His attitude is that he is free to do as he will as he does not need a stupid piece of paper to tell him he is divorced from me as he says he already is. My heart is broken as again I asked for another chance . There was not infidelity on my part ever and although I never trusted him, I can say I loved and was committed to him
Why hold on to someone that says he wants nothing to do with me.He wants to go on with his girlfriend and feels he is doing what is right in God;s eyes too.
I am just confused and so tired of being hurt. His lies continue to hurt us all. I think deep down he knows he is out of bounds or else why would he lie to us about this.
Just pray for him that he would see truth in it all and find Christ again ---he was a pastor for several years and is well aware of what the bible says but choses to just change things around for his only pleasure
Thanks again to all who responded , i felt too it was an affair and that he was out of bounds. That is the reason I have chosen to not date during this time and just get healthy myself
cheers