woundedgentleman,

You mentioned: Have you read the 'carrot and stick' post on GQII? I haven't read that but I'm very intrested. I'm not sure what GQII is, can you post a link please?

Jag,

As I read your complete thread I am thinking emotional affair. Her actions sound very similiar to my X whom had 3 in 10 years so I have been there.

Tough situation for you right now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Keith

JAG,

GQII is a forum under the "Infidelity" section. It gets a lot of traffic. It does get a lot of volume (i.e., many posts, fast responses). However, you don't seem to yet think that your spouse is in an affair.

Pepperband often has good advice. She posts a lot, and is pretty opinionated. Anyway, one of her treasures is this post, often cited:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2858269

Plan A is a deliberative attempt to be the best spouse you can be and hope that an unfaithful spouse will choose the marriage over an affair. The 'Carrot and Stick of Plan A' is a reminder that Plan A isn't just being Clark-Kent-ish meek and mild, but also shows love by helping the WS realize the destructiveness of their actions. Many betrayed spouses are appeasers or have other traits that shield cheaters from the consequences of their actions - the 'Stick' reminds us that this isn't a healthy thing.

- WG

Excellent post and thanks for the link. While I still don't believe she is having an affair I do have to accept the possibility of at-least an EA. I will work on that approach tactfully but I will continue my visable preperation for the worst. It's still very odd around our home, if were not discussing our situation we get along wonderfully as we always have. She even said she thought we could go on forever just as we are and be happy for the most part, raise our children and be quite stable financially. I need a fortune teller~

I'm still working on Plan A ofcourse while going through this. I still get however "I don't feel like working on our marriage", "I feel done", "I have no feelings of intimacy towards you", "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I'm not attracted to you anymore" (I feel like I'm a pretty darn good looking guy personally).

I just don't know if I can overcome those issues she has stated above. Is it even possible? I've heard from very few if any come back from a spouse that felt that negatively about the marriage. Anyone out there been to that point and came back from it?

Update-

Things have been quite cordial around the house as they always have really. No in depth discussion of our situation as current finances and a concern over her job will prevent us from even a seperation right now if we want to be smart from a financial stand point.

THEN, two nights ago she comes home from work, gets in bed and begins to be quite loving towards me, no sex but it's close. THEN, last night she gets home, gets in bed and we have sex. I'm thinking I might be seeing somewhat of a turn out of our downward spiral but when I get home from work shes actually MAD at me about it, even though she instigated it and suggests sleeping in seperate bedrooms. Also, apparently my youngest mentioned something to the effect that she felt my wife didnt seem as interested in her family anymore and I got blamed for that too. WHAT GIVES???

-Back to her stating she wants a divorce and treating me like a doormat I suppose. God I wish I could read her mind.

Well, kids will blame you both for instability in the marriage.

What's happening these days?

- WG

Probably your wife blames you for the youngest daughter's comment because she thinks you said something to said daughter.

I have no idea why your wife is mad at you about the sex, although that doesn't seem to be uncommon. Probably she's mad at herself and simply directing it at you. However, that fact that she even wanted sex with you is a good sign.

Just not sure what to do. I got laid off the same day she told me she wanted a divorce. Then, I started a new job and it's going well but slow and I was fixing the house up to sell. Now, her employment is rocky and her income may be severly cut in the fall. It seems that looming financial situations are keeping us from seperating, unless we want to add bankruptcy to the mix which I'm not willing to do.

We laugh together, have great conversations, spend more time together and with the kids then before this all happened but theres no intimate connection on her part. Due to the above, I do still hope this can somehow be saved.

The real question is going to come when larger checks start rolling in from my new job, probably around November. Do I stay, or do I go? Do I state that she should leave since she works nights and weekends anyway? What to do. I know if it wasn't for our possible financial down turn she would have insited that I leave at that time.

Is she now having second thoughts or am I just a temporary meal ticket?

Our relationship, in my eyes isnt a bad one and never was. Its definately something worth holding onto. I dont get it.

BTW, our 10 year anniversary is in November. Lol, what do I do then if were still living together? I have a NICE ring for her but she wont wear the one she has now so why give it to her I guess.

Well, I found out today that she has been having a full blown affair. It started around 6/16/07. Shell be moving out within the next few days. Just wanted to update everyone. Thanks for all your posts.