I was married a year ago to a man I discovered was cheating right up until the marriage. All during the planning of the wedding he was seeing her. To make matters worse, there was more that one. Of course he apologized when it was discovered and I went on with the marriage. Basically, to save face I believe. I recently discovered that he has been receiving emails and cell phone calls from one of the women. I was quite upset. I am not sure if he cheated again but why the contact? He thinks I should accept his apology and move forward. Of course, he won't do it again. Right. I just don't know what to do. I should never have married him but I am in it now. He has never been faithful. I don't even know if he is capable. I need help deciding how to proceed. I love him but I certainly do not trust him. It is affecting me in ways I can't even explain.

you are feeling the same emotions as many others - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I'm a newb here, but pls hang on. Help will come. Pray, and stay calm. All will work out. I understand.

I am so sorry to see you in such a sad state <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I guess we all do things in love and hope that we later regret or find out were not wise.

Dr. Harley's excellent "marrigebuilders" programs for ending affairs and building marriages is based around restoring the "magic" that was in the relationship at it sinception. By learning to meet each others Emotional Needs as well or better than we did when we first attracted our spouse, we can remind our unfaithful spouse of the great spouse they is potentially giving up with their affair, AND we can extent those behaviours past ending an affair to make for a mutually satisfying marriage.

What I see as a problem, MP, is your marriage never got that chance.

For your H to cheat during the most romantic time of your relationship, and in fact to STILL be cheating ( or at least disrespecting you brutally) does not bode very well for recovery.

Dr Harley in fact says that if there are no children and the protagonists are young he would recommend divorce in most cases of early cheating.

Early cheating CAN be overcome in a new marriage - I know of a couple who married in a similar case, but despite the FWH being extremely repentant and regretful, they have bitter trust and care issues to work through, despite loving each other very much.

Perhaps I can ask them to post to you, or it may be too painful for them to post. I will ask anyway.

Also I have to tell you that in year spent looking at tens of marriages, contact with OP means an active affair.

Affairs are like icebergs - only a small part ( the contact part the BS discovers) is above the surface.At the very least your WH is behaving in a very "wayward" manner.

So, dear mypain I feel for you, but I won't give you a sunshine enema. You have a bad hand of cards there.

I would only say this: recovery is about the hardest thing you will ever attempt. Do not start on that road out of hope. Make certain you have a highly contrite and transparent H before you try. "I'm Sorry, move on" from him doesn't cut the custard.

All blessings.

You have been given great advice by BobP. I would certainly suggest that you should send your H packing and start your life anew with someone that you can count on.

I am sorry for your pain. I have been in your shoes and my life is so much better now for having started over.

MEDC

I agree with bOb also. Creating a marriage does not seem hopeful when he was cheating on you during the most romantic time of a relationship. Now, he has had contact with one of the women from earlier cheating. I agree that this contact equals more cheating on your H's part. It is emotional cheating at the very least and not unlikely, physical cheating as well.

Do you have children with him?

How are your finances?

Since he expects you to just get over this, he is not contrite. Sounds like he just wants you to put your head back in the sand so he can keep doing what he has been doing.

It is good that you found out about this now while you only have a year invested in the marriage. Think carefully if you want to go down a road of recovery with a man who never has been faithful. What is there to recover? Sounds like nothing to recover <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Lake

mypain, dating is supposed to be a testing period for marriage. It sounds to me like your husband FLUNKED the test and you married him anyway. You can see the result with your own eyes. This would be like buying a car that broke down in the test and then complaining that you have to fix it after you bought it.

I think it was a huge mistake to marry him, and hopefully you realize your mistake now before you have children wiht him. It would be unfair to bring innocent children into this. You didn't heed the warning while dating, at least heed the warning before you have children and a mortgage and get out before it gets deeper.

I am sorry that you did this to yourself, inpain, but it is not a complete waste if you learn from it.

Dear MyPain,

I had similar sort of wife. Compulsive cheater.

I wish I had left her the first time she revealed her cheating. I was hung up on the idea that marriage was a difficult commitment, and a couple should try to work through everything.

I think you should disengage from your husband right away. Look forward to dating again, and finding someone who is mentally healthy.

Try to remember, as I must, that its entirely his problem, and has nothing to do with you. You are a valuable and lovable human being. There will be other men who fully appreciate that.

Cheatedon

Mypain,
I am the member bob is speaking of. I am the Former Wayward Fiancée turned Husband. Not many of me around here.


This is a horrible thing, I know. I will not defend what he did. And horrible doesn’t describe it, really. You have been betrayed. You have been robbed of happy memories about your wedding. You have been robbed of security. You have been robbed of the romantic first years of marriage. Can you endure this theft? I suppose a human being can endure anything they choose to, but what about you? This will need to be a topic you will need to explore because, at the very least, your sub-conscious mind will not forget this happened to you and you will bring up unresolved issues over and over.


Ouch. I did not do this, but that certainly doesn’t buy me anything of a better standing. I cheated. He cheated. I am sorry he has done this to you. You are, undoubtedly, destroyed, confused, afraid, angry and a host of other emotions… none of them good. His actions are truly bad and unwise. Is he THIS person? Or did he make bad decisions? An important question because one has a chance. The other you need to run from now. I was the latter, and though my wife has her difficulties in deal with me, I am not a serial cheater, pedophile, pornography collector, womanizer or other such thing. Of course… that is me saying that and who wouldn’t try to shine the best light?


Possibly. Truly, this is a Disrespectful Judgment (DJ). You can believe what you wish, but that does not make it true. However, it may be true enough for you and that is your call. Either way, only he knows why he did it… and honestly, he may not even know why because there could be years of unmanaged issues that he needs to delve into and has not yet. I only recently began to truly deal with me past and how it formed me into the person that COULD and DID do what I did. His past will certainly play a part. Of course, never and always are difficult things to manage… but my guess is that he is carrying baggage that enabled this and he needs to address that. All that said, an apology is a very good start… but not anywhere near the finish line.


This is unacceptable. Period. He either stops this immediately or I advise you to immediately send him packing. The absolute first step in recovery is to end the affair. Establishment of No Contact{NC} is a component of this. If he does not have NC, you can never begin to think about building trust. He must establish NC. There are ways discussed in the help areas on this website, but the short, succinct letter NOT hand delivered is the best option usually. Mail it return receipt so you know she got it is one way. Even better, and puts a real human face on this, you deliver it. If she is human, that will send a message. If she is cold and heartless, which she might be close to engage in this, then she might not care. Usually, no one like to get called on the carpet for a severe wrong-doing by the one they wronged. Maybe an option for you. NC must be established. Dr Harley even recommends moving away from the other woman(OW) if you can.


If his apology is sincere, you should accept it. Be watchful… but there is nothing wrong with accepting a sincere apology. That, however, does not even come close to removing him from consequences for these actions and the efforts he must make to recover your fragile marriage. And no… do not ‘just move forward’. You should hold him to his actions and not shield him from the consequences of the actions. Recovery is a long, long road. And there is an easy way out… leave. But if you choose not to leave, then he has plenty of work to do. Tons. I have done tons of work and I still have tons to do.


Maybe he will. Maybe he won’t. Time will tell. You are in it now. You can get out. If you wish to stay, you are accepting a man that cheated on you. You are keeping this man as your husband. Not accepting a man that IS cheating on you. If he IS doing that? Leave. Wash your hands a go. Further, by accepting a man that cheated on you, you are NOT condoning the behavior nor agreeing with it. But, the truth is, if you decide to stay married, his past that has hurt you will not just disappear. You can, however distance yourself from it in time. And it, again, will take work. Lots of it. And why do all the work? With the MB plan, you do have a chance at a really great marriage. An awesome one. And infidelity is prevalent in society today, so thinking if you drop him and move on is going to spare you doesn’t make it so. The next guy COULD do it too. Sad, but this is the world we live in. ANYONE can cheat. Something to think about. Maybe something to not think about… I am sorry it is affecting you in such ways. I imagine it is terrible and painful.

My wife and I have made lots of progress. Tons of it. But there are still issues. Still problems. Still hurts. Over 2 years later. I guess the primary reason I posted to you was to let you know that it is possible to be married to a man that cheated before the wedding and then never did it again. I have not broken NC or established contact with any new OW. But then, that is only part of the whole pie, isn’t it. What about your feelings of happiness and joy? So what if you don’t cheat anymore… you destroyed me! What about that.

That part will be up to you. He can try. He can succeed in being faithful. He can not continue to cheat. He can not ignore this problem nor ask you to.

That’s about all I have right now. I will post again if you want me to. Also, a link in below my name says “Useless toolkit”. He should read some of it. He should read MB principles and try to understand all this. I could help him.. and thus… you.

Hi MP,

I'm sorry for why you find yourself here, but I do welcome you and can tell you this is the best place for dealing with infidelity. The Harley's know their stuff.

Since your husband tells you he's willing to stop cheating and work on the marriage, call the MB Counseling Center [Link Up Above] to schedule an appointment with Steve or Jen for both you and your husband.

It will be the best $$ you've ever spent. They'll be able to assess if your husband is sincere and whether or not you should cut your losses.

Jo

Hi mp.

I am patriot's wife.

D-Day for me was a month before my wedding day and I, like you, chose to proceed with the wedding - mostly out of shock and denial.

I can tell you that it is difficult to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. That you are not RE-building, but BUILDING under these conditions only adds to this obstacle.

It's hard. I mean REALLY hard.

How old are you, if I may ask?



Yeah.

The first response I received when I arrived here at MB 2 1/2 years ago was:

"You should never have married him."

I wanted to say, "No s&*! Sherlock, but I already DID! NOW what do I do???"

I can tell you from my experience that something I wish that I would have done in early Recovery is...

I wish I would have set a higher standard for myself. Meaning, I wish I would have determined my minimum requirements from him specifically and refused to accept anything less.

Some examples of this would be NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER, willingness to be completely transparent with all e-mail, phone records and activities.

If your H is unwilling to do this, I don't think Recovery is going to be possible.



I got that, too, initially.

People talk a lot here about forgiveness. Let me tell you my view on the subject.

Forgiveness and opening up to more abuse are not the same thing.

Forgiveness has to do with the past and reconciliation and boundaries have to do with the future. Limits offer you safety until someone has repented and changed course, so that they may be trusted again. To offer trust where none has been earned is foolish and dangerous. It's not loving behavior towards yourself and it's not loving behavior towards the other person - because under those circumstances, you've limited their opportunity to grow and change and supported their selfish behavior and enabled them not to change.

With that said, you asked for help in deciding how to proceed. The first place I would start is to determine your minimum requirements. What actions would you need from him in order to show you that he is changing course?