Married 13yrs w/ 4 kids 21,10,9,5.

On memorial day discovered WS having A with OM thru cell phone txt msgs over course of month. Even records First kiss in calendar! WS says no sex has been involved! I divulged my source of discovery and now WS has password on cell phone even though she says all contact is broken. I don't believe it for a minute. WS says she wanted to feel appreciated. She also told OM she loved him although A was going for only a month!

I am trying to fill up her love bank with notes of affection. We even went out tonight on first date in a while. I noticed she wasn't even wearing her wedding ring!
I was crushed! I still played it cool and loved on her tonight, but I can definitely sense the "wall" between us!
Does not respond to my caresses on hands, arms, back!

I take care of entire household finanacially and practically while WS is "just here".

I have been reading MB info to fill her up and I told WS that I have a desire to work on our marriage. She (unconvincingly) says she has a desire as well but is furious when I "suggest" keeping open records!

It hurts to know the withdrawal stage can last awhile -- I don't know how long I can last trying to reassure WS while she continues to stay in contact with OM.

Can't eat, sleep, fits of crying. Nonetheless, I told her I forgave her and loved her!

At same time I feel like a doormat!

I would like an order of "guidance" with a side dish of "assurance topped with wisdom"!

First, people don't hide things if they have nothing to hide. My bet is she is lying about the A. She wants to continue the A. She doesn't want you to know about it so you won't stop her.

Read about the five stages of grief.

Don't kill yourself trying to work on your M until WS has confirmed NC.

First thing to do is expose expose expose. And, second, expose some more.

Don't beg, plead, bargain for your wife's affections. She is in love with OM. You cannot compete with that. In her mind he is Prince Charming, Sir Gallahad and Ghandi all rolled into one. Never mind it is fantasy. It is her fantasy and she is in love with it. She is not in love with OM - she is in love with the A.

If you feel like a doormat, it's because you are one. Stop it. Be a man. Your WW will never love a wimp.

The best you could hope to achieve is about 6 months without losing all your love for your WW. Stop the A now. Kill it now so your M has a chance.

Hi Swade,

Welcome to MB. Sorry u r here with such a painful but all to common story. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Still you can get support and a plan here that can help you.

Please read Surviving an Affair (SAA), His needs/Her needs (HNHN) (both by Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson).

Those books will show you about plans A & B.

Your W is a WS still having the A, even if it is only in her head.

EA and PA have already happened. EA is worse since it runs deeper. PA (physical affair) is the one that initially sounds bad but most of the damage comes from the EA (emotional affair). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Right now you can't teach your W anything. She is still very much in the A even if she makes statements otherwise. Her actions are more telling.

Get with a good MC or call Jennifer C after you have read the SAA book. Jennifer can help you with plan A. Once that is done and executed, plan B is where most of us go to keep our sanity.

The pain is real, the anxiety attacks, weight loss, anger bouts, frustration, crying, etc.....are all part of the course we as BS travel. Please read the link in my sig line about the stages of grieving.

Keep posting here for help but make sure you read as well. You need to get your finances in order. Protect them or the WS will try to suck you dry.

Know that the A is only 1 part of the symptom. The real issue is her greedy attitude. Learn how to deal with this problem.

1. Secure your finances.
2. Get MC from someone familar with MB concepts or call Jennifer C @ MB for phone counseling.
3. Create your personal support group.
4. Expose to the WS family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, children as needed. Do it for the right reason.

5. Learn techniques like reverse babble, radical honesty, POJA, etc. Learn when and how to use them. This is important. Practice.

6. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

7. Let your support group know you will hear their POV and suggestions but ask they respect your decisions since you are not able to tell all to all. Drop any supporters who enable the WS and the A.

This is just a starting list. It is not impossible to survive, just challenging.

We can help.

take care,
L.

Sorry you have to be here, but it is the best place to be in your current sitch. You mention you are married for 13 years but have a 21 year old. Is this a child from a former marriage?

I agree that she is still involved with OM since she is keeping secrets from you re her cell phone. You can stand calm and firm that there is not room for secrets between the two of you if you are going to re-build your marriage and gain intimacy between the two of you.

Do you know who the OM is? It sounds like your WW does not work. How does she know this OM?

I agree that you need to expose this A to all involved. Is the OM married? His wife or girlfriend needs to know about the A that your ww is continuing to carry on. How about your WW's family?

Do not let your WW know what you are doing when you expose. Just go ahead, get all your info, and expose it to all concerned.

Remember, plan A is all about getting a grip on your own life and taking care of yourself and your children--making yourself a better person, regardless of the WW.

Read up on the "carrot and the stick of Plan A." that will help to keep you on the right course of making yourself a better person--for you and your children and will help to prevent you from being a doormat.

Do a search on this site for "carrot and stick of plan A"

Lake

I know how you feel Swade, honestly.

Hurts doesn't it ? I never knew a hurt like it. But the pain won't go away until you remove the source of it. You must pull the arrow.

Lance the abscess. Being rolled along by the flow of events that are controlled by the waywards "feelings" is NOT the best thing for you

kids or yourself. I know this to be true.

Its dreadful, enfeebling, destroying Swade.

You seem pretty straight headed for a new BH, mate, and tat is to you rgreat credit !

The thing for you to do now is set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the

sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.
Trying your wife has never needed you to be a MAN as much as she does right now. She is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone,

not you, God or OM.

Its your job to reestablish calm and a fertile environment for discussion. No-one else is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is hopeless, and you can't change the situation but that is your emotional response, not

fact.

You owe it to your kids, yourself, your wife and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a

terrible situation.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.

Whatever either of you decides permanently while hurting now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in troubled

times, particularly when he doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a knight not a serf. Take control of yourself and spread your calm through all your lives. Be restrained and objectived.

In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your wife needs you to save her from herself. Are you up to the challenge

Swade ?

I'm just a bloke and I managed to do this against all the indicators. And I have never been prouder of anything I've ever done in my

life. Understand that NOTHING YOU CAN DO can force your W to leave. You have nothing to lose by applying MB and behaving nobly.

Study MB. Address your issues. Love your wife while understanding the dynamics affecting her behaviour and thought processes right now.

You wil be amazed how much more positive you will feel when you are taking affirmative, brave action against your troubles.

And it starts now with being the husband your wife doesn't currently deserve and the father your kids DO deserve.

Your calm and decency will shine like a beacon against the chaos of your WWs actions, and it WILL make an impression on the good woman

that is captive beneath all her fog.

Hunker down for the long run but DEAR GOD it WILL be worth it. My life is transformed now - genuinely happy from a situation where that

seemed impossible. But you have to calm down against your every instinct and act up.

Stop the passive meekness. You're entitled to it but as Dr. Phil would say "how's THAT workin' out for ya?"Neediness and feebleness, however justified, is sickening to most WS. Stand erect and proud - you did NOTHING

to deserve this, it is not a reckoning.

Read ALL the articles on this site. Buy "Surviving an affair". Sit at the feet of Mel, Ark, WAT, Just Learning ,Pep and the other battle

scarred but proud warriors who have pulled SO MANY of us from the firestorm over the years. And have faith that you can do this.

Then start to identify people in OMs life that might apply a moral pressure on him if they knew of his affair. Also have you exposed to

your wifes' wider family and friends yet ? Exposure is a very effective tool. I shared your fears about exposure making things worse, but

as BigK said a while back to another poster : how ON EARTH can this get worse ? Your WW was banging another man and still hasn't recommitted!

I was once in as deep a sh[i][/i]it as you can imagine. I stood up and spat that demon right in the eye. Asd I won. You can too !!

Read my Toolkit ( click here) to see the great advice I received.

I leave you with my question : "What would you do if you were not afraid ?"

Before reading this forum, my first instinct was to tell her to get out until she is done with it or until she can prove NC w/ OM!

I take total care of the household, so I know it would be a financial squeeze on her.

The OM is divorced, in his 30s, hasn't lived in Cali a year yet. BIT the OM lives in our town, so this makes things extra vulnerable.

Make no mistake, I will NOT lose my sanity over this!

I will be strong for our kids!

I will also get SAA book today!

Thanks for the support!

21 yr old is my stepson. I married my S when the son was 7 yrs old.

This M is both of our first.

Do a background check on the OM. He may be a predator.

L.

Right now WS is verbslly combative when confronted about phone password. The classic signes of redirecting the main issues is in full swing!

Once I see this next phone bill, I am sure to be validated in my suspicions.

She even still has OM contact info in her e-mail acct -- must think I am a fool!

WS responses:
I'm tired
Don't want to get into an argument
I don't want to have this discussion right now
You are getting on my nerves
You are treating me like a child

Seems like classic denial answers!

If she does not come around to full accountability, should I asked her to leave until she complies with full accountability???

I am trying to be thoughtful but firm!

R U ready for her to leave? If u r, then tell her so. Keep your word though. Don't be wishy washy. No threats, just real actions.

L.

Did you expose this affair? Who is this OM? Is he married? What does he do?

I had not exposed the A to anyone that would confront her!

The OM is a 30 something, divorced! Hasn't been in cali long though. Works possibly as a elementary school teacher (his job before he left Baltimore to come to Cali.

They met in a store according to WS.

What a "sack" of ........

Good exposure targets would be her parents, his parents, pastor, close friends, siblings, and probably his employer. That is a very effective weapon you have against the affair and should not be overlooked.

I would also suggest that you pay him a little visit and ask him what his intentions are for your wife. Let him know she is a married woman. Sometimes this will really shake them up.

How do you know he is divorced?

p.s. you should also tell your 3 older children about the affair since this effects their lives too. They need to know what is going on and with you tellng them, she won't be able to spin the source of the problem with you starring as satan. Nor will she be able to introduce them to her affair partner if they know who he is and are prepared.

ML,

I purposely do NOT want to see the dude at this point because thing s could get rough! Besides its the WS that is the focus of my issue.

My S indicated upon confrontation that OM was divorced!

Besides, I have called OM so he knows my wife is M but he became indignant on the phone.

I do not want his presence near my home or family (my WS indicates OM does not know where we live).

She does have a close friend whom she respects very much whom I may tell!

Where did the exposure tactic come from -- I did not see it on MB -- or is it from experience that this tactic is employed?

Thanks ML for the advice!

I would suggest that you focus on BOTH since he is having an affair with your wife. This focus cannot be avoided. If you feel you might harm him if you met him, you could bring a friend. But it could be a huge help to meet him and allow him to place a HUMAN FACE with your name. He can see the man he purports to destroy. And often, the WS has lied to him so this is a good chance to get that out in the open. Steve Harley has counseled clients to meet with the OM face to face and ask "what are your intentions with my wife?" And to let him know that you intend on fighting for your marriage.

See, he is probably an abject coward so meeting him face to face could really shake him up. Destroying your marriage should not come FREE to this guy. It should come at a high cost.


Might be a lie; it usually is. This should be checked out for veracity. One way is to disguise your # and call his house and ask for Mrs. OM. Check him out on www.peoplefinder.com

Exposure is a tactic that was developed by Dr. Harley. He has been recommending this for years.

Swade88,

Don’t worry about telling the girlfriend, she likely knows everything already.

Conversely, be very careful about what you do tell her girlfriend. She will likely not be an ally of yours in this fight.

Try to post on one thread so we can follow your timeline easier. It makes for more efficient and helpful support from the forum.

Follow Melodylane’s recommendations on exposure.

Only expose to people that will be tactically beneficial in the long run.

It’s important that you expose to potential exposure candidates simultaneously. If you don’t do it simultaneously, she will start the spin machine by trying to contact everyone that she can beat you to the punch with and explain you away as a complete nut job; paranoid and delusional.

Keep posting.

Tonight - -I have been developing a list of candidates that I plan to call tomorrow! See if the list below is reasonable. By the way, WS parents are not in the picture (deceased).

Sister
Brother
Aunt (who raised her)
pastor / pastor's wife
another strong cousin (who is in my corner already)

I am trying to find employment of OM to inform employer of A.

Wow, you are doing well for being new here! Keep up the good work! Good Luck!