I have prayed over all the comments I have received as of late and the Lord (and you) have helped me see some things I chose to avoid. In short: My husband doesn't love me. I can't make him love me, because he never did. ((***See post: My story...how I wrecked my marriage.***))

In my response posts I tried telling everyone that you couldn't possibly understand how we get along and are such good friends. But after a more careful examination, I realized he really does treat me very badly overall. He yells at me, throws things, hits things, disregards my feelings, and has never been wrong in our entire
relationship.

I think my overall goal was to convince him I was worthy of his love. What love??

As painful as it will be, I need to work on my own healing and recovery. I have decided that rather than S-Anon meetings I will be attending SLAA meeting for myself. I will recommit myself each day to my own healing. I cannot heal him.

AshamedH asked me to list the things I love about my husband. My list was short. The only thing I could come up with is "the way he makes me feel". There is nothing else. No security, no caring, nothing. And the way he makes me feel.. is also one of the things I hate about him. He makes me question my very competence to do the simplest things. He makes me feel insignificant, unattractive, scared, isolated, and lost. But there are times when he can make me feel like no two people on earth love each other the way that we do. I have to accept that this is not real, no matter how much I want it to be.

I still have a problem (besides the obvious)... My husband and I own a company together. I have given everything to building this company, including filing personal bankruptcy. I am trying to decide what I should do. There are only two options. Option 1. The two of us work together (we would rarely see each other but would have to communicate on a daily basis about business matters) OR Option 2. I leave the business to him entirely and go get a job. For reasons that are too difficult to explain here, me keeping the business entirely is not an option. Buying me out is also not an option. ONLY 2 OPTIONS We work together or I find a job.

I cannot see clear enough to make this decision on my own. Part of me says that I have worked too hard to give up what is mine. I created the company as much as he has. It is important to note that the company offers two disctinct services. It is possible that I work strictly on one side and he the other. My dealings with him would be for office and administrative issues only (new hires, invoicing, payroll, etc.**which I would handle for both sides). I could build "my side" to be able to support myself. "His side" would be his responsiblity. But another part of me says that I would still have to see him. I would still be taking care of him. I would still be treated badly by him. Since the two things we argue about is the business and him not keeping his pants zipped. But....

If the decision is to keep working the business, I will make sure that I am financially compensated for the work I do for "his side". I also realize that I will be in recovery and hopefully better equipped to deal with him and the way he treats me. I will work at creating strict boundaries and details of my job description.

I can't seem to make this decision on my own. Probably because I am too emotionally attached to both the business and him. I mentioned it to him and he said that he can't run the business on his own. Which is true. But I don't think this is really my problem. I need to do what is right for me. But I don't know if letting go of a business I worked so hard to build is the answer.

Thank you for your advice.

What do I do about the company I own with my husband? multiple choice, up to 2 choices

Stay working with company and build "my side". (31%, 5 Votes)

Leave the company to him and go get a job. (69%, 11 Votes)

Total Votes: 16 Voting on this poll ends: 06/05/07 09:24 AM

Can he buy you out so you are not left without anything?

It is too complicated to explain here, but no. He cannot buy me out. I don't know if there would be a possibility of him paying me overtime for my shares and the time I have put into the company. But I guarantee it would take an attorney (that I cannot afford) to make this happen. And it still keeps me tied to him and the company. So I may as well keep working with him.

Let's keep things simple... Stay working or go??

Thanks.

PrayersNeeded,

This is something that you should decide for yourself.

From all the posts that were made on the other thread that you have on this board the concept of deciding what is right for you is something that should shout in your face right now.

Be in no hurry and do nothing rash. Protect yourself.

Almost all attorneys will give you a free consultation. Call around until you find one that will entertain your issues and help you try to figure out financial matters of their payment in a fair manner.

Right now you likely feel very unbalanced; that is very understandable.

Have you considered what actions that you can take in the immediate future that will protect you from the narcissist’s wrath once he determines that your plans to leave the marriage are coming to fruition?

From the historical documentary that you have previously penned here, I can’t imagine that his first initial reaction won’t be to grab all he can for himself once he determines that you have decided to exit the M.

You decide if you can live through the years of agonizing and suffering that this man will wreak upon you through daily contact and perpetual influence.

Not to mention that one day when you do get yourself through IC and attend to the business of living a well balanced life, any future possibility of a real male partner in your life will be doomed with the predatory sexual addict hanging around.

Those future plans should be so far off right now that they aren’t even on the horizon forever.

PN, lean into goodness and what you know is right.

Find the person inside of you that is all about honor, integrity, self respect, and goodness and all of this will come together for you.

Best regards,

I would talk to an attorney and see what can be done. Working with an ex is not an ideal situation. What happens if you meet someone else, you go through some normal relationship struggles, and then your ex is standing there wanting to hook up again. It is not a situation that you want to find yourself in down the road. It will also prolong your recovery having to see him often. Talk to a lawyer and see what you can walk away with.

BTW, OCD windbags like me see polls as an open invitation to orate beyond the normal person’s comprehension.

And then I still never vote. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Be careful with the employment of such devices!

PN:

What is your true Investment in the Company?

$5,000
$10,000
$100,000

What about your emotional cost?

Harder to figure that number isn't it?

Yes, you built something. Something that he is willing to throw away faster then you. Remember That.

You can rebuild it again. Trust me. The second time is easier. And may cost alot less the second time.

Or, you just find a 9-5 that suits you.

Your options are limited only by yourself.

Remember That.

Your H was "great" on his side of the business. Yep. And there are others who are great that can help you.

Your Personal Bankruptcy? That just raises your borrowing costs.

Nothing Else.

LG

I know you have heard my opinion in person. This is a start in the right direction. I am so glad you made the list of things (or the thing)you love about your WH... I knew that would be the answer!

You knowsomany lawyers already that you dowork for... put on the charm and get to work to find out options.

Build bluedog on your own or getajob. Either way I feel you need to be away from the harmful feelings and possible emotional distress.

PN,

Would you consider when you said this, "I think my overall goal was to convince him I was worthy of his love. What love??" to include that you have been trying to convince yourself through your H that YOU are worthy of being loved?

Your focus has been consumed, as I relate to you, through getting your H to make you whole...if you do this, you'll get that...if you do this, he'll feel that. What you're realizing is that no one on this earth has that power. That control. Which is why your choice to attend S-anon is great. I'm assuming here that it follows Alanon...which is where I learned about God's design.

Made all the difference.

When we are striving to confirm what we are through others, we are consistently betraying ourselves...which creates a lot of pain and fantasy...we may see it as coming in from the other person...and it remains in ourselves, from us, to us, for a purpose. To inform and lead you to discovering your own power and limits.

How 'bout that? You're not screwed up...you're not listening to yourself! You don't love your WH either...you choose to love him, through your choice to believe you love him. He can no more earn your love than you can his.

When you act from your choice to love, make love a verb, and own it's your choice, every step of the way...then you're not betraying yourself...you're validating your own beliefs and choices. Amazingly, then you can feel very well loved...filled up to overflowing...spilling your love over. Comes from within, not the outside.

I share this from my belief that whatever you choose in your marriage will not end this cycle. You will repeat and re-create in your future relationships, again and again, until you get that others cannot make you anything but a sandwich.

They cannot make you feel anger...you may feel angry. You feel it. It's valid. They cannot make you less than or more than who you know you really are. You are. You're real. You're valid. They cannot make you feel like a child...and at times, we all feel like the children we were. That's real and ours...signals to us, about us, for our own benefit. That's valid.

You choose to question your own competence...and you are competent. God didn't make no junk, no where. You are whole, complete and marvelously crafted from love...before you spoke a word or took one action. You not believing this one true fact has kept you spiraling, locked into reactivity. Change your belief. Choose valid ones instead of invalid ones. Then you will change your life.

You chose to no longer involve anyone else in your marriage. Marriage for two only, please. Healthy choice. That's your boundary to hold yourself to...and a marital boundary you want honored. WH is not choosing to do that right now. Your choice is, as I see it, deciding on predetermined, progressive boundary enforcements.

However, you have been wayward yourself. You have been doing what your WH has been doing...so I don't see this as a "leave or stay" issue. Instead, ask yourself, where is my road to redemption?

If you leave because WH won't do/not do...how does that redeem you, your choices, or make your amends to yourself, your WH or to the marriage?

My redemption...to acknowledge and own my own wholeness became my one true goal, PN. It was what motivated me, got me to grow through instead of run from what hurt so much I felt erased.

I wasn't.

Redemption included mental, physical, spiritual and emotional healing.

That goal included...changing my premise of living. To live from respect and truth, not lies and mirrors. To act from my awareness of my all my choices, not hide a lot of them from myself discounting, degrading and trapping myself...when I was free all the time.

I chose this road to redemption...I am advising it for you. In the very choice there is acknowledgment and validation that you are...significant, whole, valuable and worth loving. Each act towards my goal reinforced it...each time I listened and repeated, held my burn or bite, and did not act from it...I lived my goal.

And I love where I am now...and I know you can, as well. You are my equal in every way. Our choices may make us different. Doesn't change God's making us all equal, does it?

LA

WH has read all of my posts and the replies and he is very upset. He says that I am allowing you all to make my decisions for me. He is especially upset about the poll and asking advice on what to do with the business. He thinks that I am letting you all make the decision for me. He says that doing so is not healthy, that I need to be able to make decisions on my own. What he really means is that I need to do what he wants me to do.

I am not asking anyone to make any decisions for me. I am asking advice and direction because I am too close and emotionally involved in the subject to make an objective decision. I would like to know what others think about the situation. I already had many opinions and questions on the matter of the business before I made the post, or I would not have made it.

I am praying and preparing for either situation. Staying with the company or getting a job. But, my WH is doing a very poor job of making staying with company attractive to me in anyway. So if that is what he wants, he may need to take a different approach.

My focus needs to be on me right now. I can't stay doing something because it serves WH. But I also do not want to give up the company out of self-sacrifice or spite or anything else. I want to make the best decision for me...whatever that might be.

I thank you all for voting, but I would appreciate more actual input and comments on the situation. Thank you.

Your WH is manipulating you. He wants you to end the marriage on HIS terms. He also wants you as a fallback in case his new relationship doesn't work out. I would change your screen name and not let him read your posts because he will use it against you.

Your husband is gaslighting you. See the gaslighting threads. We are not manipulating you although he is clearly in that mode. He is an addict, which means he manipulates and thinks only of his next fix, which is wife number 5 coming up.

What we do here is help folks apply the principals of marriage building, not marriage destruction. We are not here to enable affairs, guys who are in love with their entitlement (or women), or those who betray their vows, their promises and their marriages.

So he read the site huh? Good and not so good. Good because it gives those of us who have honor as a male to simply state that he has none, honor that is. Bad because he now has some idea what you can do.

In two years on this site, I have only suggested divorce twice.

This is the second one. And not just divorce, get as far away from the critter as you can. Because he truly is a critter. Ask any cop what that means.

Be very, very careful. When some males are as you describe, they sometimes get physical trying to control those around them.

Then go on and get your head on straight. There is a better life out there for you.

All the best.

Larry

Listen to Jo, she knows what she is talking about. The WS will hate all that is good and natural. They are not from this world!

Since he is already made, say what you need then work on going to plan B. Make sure your mind and heart are in sync.

Option: If you suspect he is still reading, let us know and we will post to him directly via your user name. LOL!!

Here's my addy: **edit**

This kind of option always makes the WS feel they are losing control.....and they should. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

no no no...I told WH to read the posts... I know how the WH is and he needed to see the truth! He is my best friend and needs to see this. I do not agree that the WS should never be here. How can a marriage be healed if the parties aren't aware of the others pain or healing??? I only wish MY WW had read this stuff last year!
PN is not trying to educate the WH... I AM!

Uh, AH, let me see if I got this right. Your best friend is a critter who believes in serial affairs and marriages and your wife cheated on you but not necessarily with him. Is that right?

Maybe there is something I am missing. See, reading the posts in this thread from you and from PN, I get the idea that your "Best friend" could care less if someone else is hurting. Is that right?

I mean this sounds like an episode from Grey's Anatomy. You trust this guy?

Larry

ashamed, a wayward spouse should never be invited here when we are trying to help the BS bust up the affair. It is a DISASTER because we cannot heal the marriage until the affair is ended and we can't very well help the BS bust up the affair if the WS is reading here. The BS LOSES this forum as a resource when that happens. It is a DISASTER. So, if your H or W is in an affair, do not send them here.

your marriage is not yet recovered...
please focus on your own situation

efforts you spend on this non-salvagable marriage are efforts better spent at home

please don't do this again

I only told WH that I was on MB. I did not tell him my username... that was ashamedH. I did nothing to try to "educate" WH. I made my posts for me and for advice...not for WH to read.

AshamedH is a very dear friend of both mine and WH. I didn't know WH was going to read my posts until it was done. I did not even know that WH knew my username. I believe ashamedH felt that WH should see that I am taking responsibility for what I did in the marriage, as well as, the emotional distress I am going through. WH has no concept of what his actions put other people through. It might be a good thing to see it in black and white.

I don't think it was an entirely bad idea. The worst that can happen is we get a divorce. The best that can happen is WH sees what is happening in his an my life and chooses to try to work on our relationship.

Thank you for your comments and concern.

PN,

We KNOW what we're talking about when we strongly advise "DO NOT bring an ACTIVE cheating spouse here to read your posts". Yet you keep rationalizing it.

I guess you want to continue to learn the hard way, eh?

Jo