ashamed H has a LOT to apologize for !

His intentions were well meaning, just made a very common mistake in thinking a WS would have an epiphany and see the light after reading a BS's posts.

Resiliant,

I DID NOT BRING AN ACTIVE CHEATING SPOUSE TO THE SITE. PLEASE READ WHAT I WROTE. I DID NOT BRING AN ACTIVE CHEATING SPOUSE TO THE SITE. I DID NOT.

Get one thing straight... My M ended last year. Not all marriages recover. I spent countless time on hear and have since completed IC to better ME. As for my focus, it is on my PERSONAL and dear friends. Of which you have no idea how WH is and only a small idea as to PN. PN wants to honor the vows she made 3 years ago and stand by WH even though he has hurt her. Many here seem to fault her for that. They seem to not look at the growth happening and changes in mentality in her and are "focusing" on the past actions.
A tactic that if used on your own WS's I feel would probably be a major Love Buster... Also if your WS's chose to only look at the past patterns instead of nesw ones you wouldnt get very far would you??
No
So I will continue to SPEAK to these two as they ask for my help and support my friends as I see fit and they ask...
If I hadn;t gotten so much from this site last year i wouldnt have sent PN here to get help. It has already opened her eyes to many facts and has the chance to save her marriage. Maybe it won't... But there is a better chance if she is here than if she isn't.
If the WH was coming here first to ask for advice on how to change and savve his marriage, would you blast him away and say to him,'leave this palce you are an evil man?' or would you embrace the asking and help 'build the marriage' as the site suggests?? I wonder...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

now it is clear to me

you invited a very sick marriage that obviously needs more than a message forum to help it .... onto the very site that did not help YOU save your own marriage

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

if the WH was trying to save his marriage, he would get help- we have not seen that that is the case with her WH. He is not trying to save his marriage.

He is basically the enemey - do you tell the enemy your strategy to win the war?

ashamedH,

I have no doubt your intentions were good at heart. That being said, it is a HUGE mistake to bring an active WS to view his BS's posts. This is like telling a crack addict that you are going to take his drugs and source of money away from him. He will start lashing out at PN and will probably try and start blowing money or stashing it away so that PN doesn't get what she deserves. He will act like a cornered animal and this will put PN under a huge amount of emotional duress. AshamedH, your "friend" is not truly a friend, he will stab you in the back if he finds out that you aren't supporting his wayward lifestyle.

Her WH is not coming here asking for advice on how to save his marriage. His BS is coming here asking for help to save her marriage. We cannot help her if an ACTIVE WS is reading here. It is next to impossible to build a marriage when an ACTIVE WS is reading his BS's posts. You are wrong that we can "build a marriage" under these circumstances.

You are evidently not anyone who would have helped me last year.
I came here looking for help and wound up getting divorced anyway not because the site did not help, but because the marriage was gone by the time i got here. As a matter of fact my XW married the OM last Friday. There was more to it than just this forum PB.
There is more to PNs recovery and situation than just this forum as well. She is getting IC and going to SLAA meetings. Read about it in her posts. Is this a place for only well marriages?? Did you come here when your marriage was well or SICK??
I am sorry for the slight hijack of the thread PN... I will not post here again unless you ask...

Your true friend

AshamedH

I didn't miss that point PN, caught it several thread ago. But you kept rationalizing your WH coming here.

You did it here:

[color:"blue"] [/color]

[color:"red"] ashamedH [/color]



You have endured your 3rd sad divorce ....

My H and I are in the 27th year of our 1st marriage

May I suggest that you have a poor track record for sustaining a long term marriage?

May I also suggest that I have an excellent track record of sustaining not only a long term marriage, but a very HAPPY marriage at that.

If you want to learn how to do something well .... seek out the person(s) who have been successful at this task, and observe what works.

If you want to find out what does not work, observe the unsuccessful.

Then, find your own path using what you have observed.

My advice to you .... from page one of your "ashamed and scared" thread.....

[color:"red"]Here is a woman's UTIMATE love fantasy ..... written in first person to make it more meaningful ... READY?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my husband's eyes .... I am the worlds most beautiful woman .... I am his treasure beyond measure ... I am the closest thing to his finding heaven on earth when we are making love ... When my husband looks at me he sees beyond himself ... he experiences weightlessness of his conscious mind ... his soul soars ... When my husband touches me, his fingers tremble with joyous gratitude ... my husband prays a song of gratitude for the gift God has bestowed upon him ... My husband thirsts for deeper knowledge of who I am ... My husband adores me.... My husband's love is not defined by his need for me ... My husband's love is is defined by recognition of a miracle that God creates when the two of us come together as one



~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I could go on, but I won't, because you get the idea.

Plan A is fantastic --- carry on !

YOU need a miracle --- I just showed you what a miracle looks like from your wife's point of view.

What are you going to do about it?
[/color]

AH,

The problem is that this marriage was a sham, just like your XW and OM's marriage. That marriage, just like this one, will and should end. You can't build a lifelong commitment on cheating on your old spouse. It is impossible. If you want to help your friend, don't have him continue his relationship with the OW, get him some IC, and get him to church, one where they will not just overlook his current and past behavior.

and

you have a new girfriend you met online... and you little boy is just "fine"

Thanks and God Bless..

ashamed H

have you grieved the losses you have endured?

really

why "move on" so quickly?

stop
learn
think
reflect

read Harley's book

"The One"

The new GF is the most Godly woman I ever met. Are you saying she is devalued because of how we met?

could you please take this to my threads

Resiliant...did you miss the statement where I wrote that I did not know that WH knew my username and had read the posts until it was done??? I DID NOT SEND WH HERE. I DID NOT GIVE HIM MY USERNAME, ASHAMEDH DID. But I did understand why ashamedH did what he did.

AshamedH..you may post anything you like here, anytime you want to.

As for WH reading my posts and using it against me.. IT IS WH WHO WANTS THE DIVORCE PEOPLE!!! This is not some secret action plan where I am laying out my strategy to get what is mine. I came here for guidance and support.


I really do not see what is so complicated about this whole thing. I love my husband. We both screwed up very badly. We are both in need of some serious therapy. I am committed to recovery. WH is not and wants to end the marriage. I am crushed by this. My prayer is that WH would want to begin recovery and stay in the marriage. This is no secret to WH or anyone else. But according to you all, because I messed up before I deserve what I get now. To ****** with you!! My decision were bad, but well intended..for this marriage.

I love my husband and believe that if he wanted to, we can survive this with the Lords help. And the Lord doesn't need your approval to help me, him, or us.

But if WH stands by his decision to divorce, I am still committed to my own recovery.

nope

I am saying you began a relationship while still married = not yet divorced

which is one of the ways people make repeated mistakes of the past

s l o w d o w n

grieve the loss of your marriage