I suppose this is common. Here's my story. My H had a 4 month A. D-day was 6 wks ago and I didn't boot him out then. He told me he wanted to work on us but was conflicted b/c he still loved her. We stayed together but it was so tough. He and I were reading the books, but it was too difficult watching him go through W. He was trying but only half-heartedly. Obviously conflicted, obviously ambivalent. I wanted to work on the M so bad, but I felt like it was fruitless trying to win him back. I was scared but I realized that I needed to walk away from M. I was feeling like an empty shell. So this wk, i decided to separate. No kids, we haven't been married long. It was the day before my 35th b-day.

I told him that I didn't have the strength to do this while living together. I couldn't watch him pine for OW while I was there feeling like I was leftover crumbs. I'm an attractive, fun, loving gal and needed to rebuild my self-esteem. I told him that he needed to move out. I need to move out too. Apt is too expensive. And we need to live separate lives. I told him that I'm not totally discarding the M but I just need some space and so does he. I told him we need to do some soul searching and reflect on what happened and when he feels like he's further out of W and able to commit to R, then we can talk.

He was despondent wondering why I need to send our life into further upheaval but I feel like this is ultimately the right thing to do. 2 days later, my mind is clear, i can eat again, sleep again and I already feel better about myself. NOW he says he realizes what a huge mistake A was and how he didn't realize what he had til it's gone. He wants to work on it. Fine, I say. Let's work on it. I still love him but he needs to show me he's ready to explore what happened, take responsibility for his actions, and show me how much he values me.

A part of me is glad that he's unhappy. Now he can see how misrable I've been for the past couple of months. I have hope in my heart that maybe we can get through this stronger but we both need to heal ourselves, talk about what our needs are, then perhaps come together. Personally, I feel like it's too soon for him to all of a sudden have this epiphany. He and I need to dig deep.
He needs to earn my trust and respect again and that's going to take time and patience.

So, did anyone have a similar experience. Do you have any advice. It's so tempting to take him back. I won't! But why does it take leaving for them to wake up?

Click

Click,

You sound like me 6 months ago.



My H chose to come out of the fog on D Day #4 when he realized I was serious about starting over without him. It was 4 months after D-Day #1.

I haven't read your other posts, but I will. If you want to know more about what worked for us, our story is in my sig line.

If you truly want your M, you have alot more going for you than most. But, like I told Marriedfor30years on the JFO forum.....withdrawal bites. (I wish I had known about withdrawal when H was experiencing it....but, like Princessmeggy, I believe God helped me endure it.)

Ace

Edited to add: Forgot to mention MC...thanks for the reminder, MF. We called the radio show and got help from Dr. & Mrs. Harley for free. Then we started MC locally once a week. Imperative.

Click ~

I went through something similar...sort of. DDay #2 was 10 months after Dday#1 ~ we were in false recovery and it was torture watching him go through "withdrawal" (he was actually still in C, but I thought it was "just" withdrawal").

Anyways, I did make him move out after that ~ I went straight to a dark Plan B. There was no way in he** I was going to stick around while he went through withdrawal and was all foggy, after attempting recovery for the past 10 months. I think I would have killed him.

I felt WAY, WAY BETTER when he moved out. Better than I had felt in years. I had a great time.

He came back about 6 weeks later...things weren't perfect, but that time apart gave us each time to deal with some of our own pain, issues, etc. without being in each other's faces.

We're now in phone counseling with Steve Harley. I HIGHLY recommend this. We are also in counseling with a counselor in our area, but I believe that Steve is helping us more than the other counselor.

My FWH was not completely moved home when we started counseling with SH; but MC was one of my criteria for attempting recovery again, and like I said, it has been TREMENDOUSLY helpful.

So that's my suggestion ~ call Steve and set up an appt. He will help you both so much.

Ask him why he wants to recover. Then pay attention to his reasons. If they are selfishly motivated, don't be anxious for it.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Often a WS will put out tidbits to see if the BS will settle for crumbs. Mine even told me: 'well I'm here and not with her'.

I shot back: 'hmm... you think that fixes everything? That doesn't even make me feel good....yuck.... don't even want you here, you stink.' I would tell him he stunk whenever I felt there was contact. IMHO that type of recovery meant there was contact. I was no longer going to settle for crumbs. My family was worth more than crumbs.

You need to understand we had already been through several false recoveries. Once I discovered the need to only settle for a genuine good reason, then real recovery could begin. Anything less is a lie.

JMHO,
L.

If he is having verified no contact with the OW, I think it is a big mistake to separate. But you are the only one who knows what you can or can't take.

I told my ex not to come to me with his problems withdrawing from the OW. We are now divorced.

The only proof of NC is his word. Also, he showed me his email Inbox when I asked. I didn't get passwords or anything.

We've been talking calmly and openly. I told him that I love him but I can't take him back yet. Told him again that I want this to be a thoughtful and deliberate process.

I feel a lot more in control of the situation. I'll be in a place where I can move on if R doesn't work but if we meet each others needs as equals then I feel like we'll be a lot stronger. I've felt like he's been calling the shots for so long that now things are a bit more balanced.

You have no kids and haven't been married long, correct?

If so, I would say to move on and find someone else who will treat you better. Take this marriage for what it was, a good learning experience.

Yes, I'm starting to think you're right. Of course, the difficulty of this situation is the fact that we work together. This really would be easier if we didn't. I like my job too so I'm not planning on leaving. I'm thinking of taking a leave of absence.