I think this deserves its own thread since it seems to be a fairly common problem….for MEN. About once a month a newcomer will show up here who has left his own home at the behest of a wayward wife in an active affair. She asks him to leave so she can “have space” and “think about the marriage.” The poor devastated soul usually believes that appeasing her will save his marriage. It is the EXACT OPPOSITE. She is asking him to move out so she can carry on her affair without his interference.

Moving out only serves to ENABLE the affair at the expense of his own marriage and children’s security. The WW is now free to carry on her affair from the safety and comfort of her own home. It is not uncommon for her to actually INVITE the OM into the home and introduce him to the children.

She often has fantasies of replacing the BS with the OM. Of course, the BS is still paying the mortgage so he is, in effect, not only enabling the affair but FINANCING it. Otherwise known as the ContributeToYourOwnDemise Program.

Some reasons why moving out is dangerous:

1. It enables the affair
2. It is viewed as abandonment by many courts
3. Separation INCREASES the risk of divorce and impedes chances of recovery [you can’t recover if you aren’t there!]
4. Many men – on this very forum – have had to get COURT ORDERS just to get back into their own homes
5. Children are exposed to affair partner, which is morally confusing and increases the odds they will be sexually molested/abuse
6. It is DEVASTATING to children! Your children need you now more than ever. You are ALL THEY HAVE since their mother’s brain has been abducted by aliens.

In short, moving out is always a huge mistake unless it is to effect Plan B.

I am always baffled about why men will do this, because a woman would never consider sacrificing her own home and her children because her husband was in an affair and wanted some “space.” The only way I would leave is if my husband’s pistol was BIGGER than mine! Even at that, I am a better shot than him, so that might not even do it. It might take a SWAT TEAM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If your wayward wife asks you to move out so she can “have space,” suggest she either go in the bathroom and shut the door or be a gentleman and clean out a corner in your garage for her. But, whatever you do, DON’T LEAVE YOUR HOME, GUYS!!

If you have fallen for this manipulation tactic and left your home, don’t despair. The mistake is usually easily corrected by packing your bag and GOING HOME NOW. No warning, no nothing. Just get in the car and go home and move right back into your OWN BED. When you walk in simply say “HI HONEY, I AM HOME!!” and give her a smile and a peck on the cheek. If she objects tell her you live there and intend to stay. SMILE.

Excellent thread!!! Thanks for this valuable insight. If this helps one BSH or even BSW to stand their ground, it is worth the time and effort.

Thanks Mel for posting this much needed supportive advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mahalo,
L.

What a WONDERFUL and important post, ML!!!!

Nothing like seeing good information condensed into one post.

I think this is particularly important because often the right things to do for men in this situation are so very counter-intuitive.

Thanks so much for posting it!



Girl, I know dat be true!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As you may remember (it was a while ago) when I first posted about my wife's affair, I unilaterally contemplated moving out. I even had appointments at several nearby apartments to see places.

I did this not because my wife asked me to (I started making the appointments before I confronted her) -- I did it because my plan was to put her behind me as far as possible given that we had high school-aged kids.

Being her third affair, divorce was my intent and given that I wanted to impact my daughters as little as possible, I considered a nearby apartment for me to be a good choice.

Several of you talked me out of it and I'm grateful for that advice. I did not move out and we are not currently divorced.

I, as a betrayed husband, second, third and fourth the adivce here. If your wife "needs space", as suggested, the garage is a good place to start. But if you don't want to be that accomodating, giving her a pillow and blanket to use on the couch is OK, too. Don't leave your bed (you kept the marriage bed pure -- she didn't). Don't leave your room. If she chooses to sleep with you, then you are in control of how much contact you have with her.

Stay in your house. You never know, in the anger of the moment, what your wife might say to your children or others about your intentions when moving out. You need to be there to make sure your kids know you love them and will not leave them.

Blessings.

Having been one who left my own home as was lucky enough to get back in without a court order , all I can say is

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen

Preach it Sista!

Five star post in my book. I'm so glad someone gave me this advice when my wife confessed her affair. Oh yes, she wanted me to move out. Sort of gave me a kiss good bye too. WW are in fairy land.

amen ML!

Thanks guys! Eph, we almost had to drive you home ourselves!! lol Thank the Lord you got back in there, though!

I would have certainly left my house to my WW when she asked for space if I wasn't reading the posts here.

In the end I kept the house and she now resides in a much smaller home in a not so nice area.

Stay in YOUR homes MEN!

Yeah, I was the recipient of the Mel 4x8 (twice the power of the standard issue MB 2x4)

HTW - my WW is in the same sitch as yours regarding the house she resides in.

I think you ruint my 4x8 with your hard head!!! sheeesh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I resemble that remark.

An good thing I am in the south and know what "ruint" means

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ya but do you know what "tump" means? Mel does don't you Mel? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

JL

I'm not a man and I didn't leave my home, but when WH first asked me for a divorce, he had a great story cooked up about how it would be best if he kept the house so DS would have a place to stay when he came home from college to see his friends AND I would be able to move closer to my work (I commute a fairly long distance). I almost bought into it - except 5 days later I found out about the OW. At that point, there was no question - I was NOT leaving my home. The downside is WH has just moved into an apartment with OW and her daughter. The upside is that both of them decided the quickest way to get out of their respective Ms was to take as little as possible and they've spent all their "loot" on furniture (turns out OW is a real princess and needs nice stuff right away). So though we are separated, WH is stuck in a stuffy hot (non-air conditioned) apartment with tons of do-not-pay until whenever bills for fancy furniture that she's probably going to take when she decides to cheat on him.

Contrary to this, my BIL who this happened to only 2 months before me left his house immediately. On top of that, he started taking the kids all weekend - while his WW took advantage of her free time to be with her OM. BIL has since stopped taking the kids (he now looks after them in his former house while she works and leaves as soon as she's done), but he's at a great disadvantage both with the OM and with the separation agreement. They still haven't settled and she wants a lot - she'll probably get her full 50% the law entitles her to, if not more. Whereas my idiot WH signed a SA giving him next to nothing.

So this goes for men and women - do not leave your home, no matter how brutal it is to stay there. It's just like in sports where you want the home court advantage. It really is worth it in all aspects.

Now men.... while ML is 100% correct that YOU SHOULD NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME...you must realize that women (sorry gals!) can be manipulative and resourceful when it comes to getting what they want(they will say "need").
MANY men are falsely accused of spousal assault in an attemot to get them out of the house. And guess what... the courts fall for it most of the time. So, you MUST protect yourself against these false allegations.
Usually this does not come out of the blue. Women will often times "tip their hand" about what they will do. They may even talk about it with you or their girlfriends. As soon as you hear the FIRST word about this, inform as many people as possible (those that you trust) including an attorney of your concern. Also, use a key logger on the computer to capture all chats and emails. You will be surprised at the things that they will say in "private" during these sessions.
And men... please read these points ...IF YOUR WIFE HITS YOU CALL THE POLICE! At a minimum, have a report filed... if it is severe enough, have her arrested. DON'T LOSE YOUR COOL AND PUNCH WALLS, KICK THE DOG, GRAB OR THREATEN HER. The courts will "assume" that her claims of abuse are true if you act irrationally...so be careful.
Let's just keep in mind that our "opponent" in this case is more shrewd and has more people on her side...so be careful. Leave your house ONLY after a court order. Do everything in your power to win this battle even before it begins.
MEDC

MEDC makes a very good point. This is a very helpful thread.

Thanks for sharing, MEDC. I am glad it is being noted that when someone (even women) create a hurtful environment, we should know that these incidents should be reported.

It is sad that sometimes the wrong party suffers due to manipulative actions by selfish people. Very sad indeed!

Btw ML, your post has helped us also bring back some of the unity that has been missing on this board. This thread is one we can all relate to on the same level.

Simple support like this can give great results.

Mahalo,
L.

I was thinking this too... but on some levels it is not quite that simple for me. In some ways, the lines have been drawn on certain issues. It's a shame really, but there are some issues that become polarizing. The last few weeks here on MB have helped me learn a lot about some of the people on this site. Some whose opinions and views regsitered with me in the past are now in a place where I don't feel that I can trust in them...others have shown me that we truly have a shared set of values. Hopefully some of the division that has occured on the boards of late will be "repaired." Some of it will not.... sad but true.

ML with this post has brought us back to a place of concensus...at least for this issue and for this thread.

MEDC

I recollect it means to knock over? I was just thinking of you the other day! Since you mentioned Ninfa's in Houston, I see them everywhere! I had been passing one every morning on the way to work from my hotel. Havent checked out the food yet, though.

Hope you are doing well, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Great advice, MEDC. Orchid, I am equally glad to see things calm down some around here. Nice change... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />