Yes, you should do this. But do it very carefully. Simply lay out the facts and do it in a way that conveys you are concerned FOR HER, such as: "I felt you had a need to know a few key facts about the OM, ie: 1. he has a criminal record.........."

Don't slam him, simply lay out facts and leave it at that. You don't want to cause her to defend him. And she may even become defensive at that, but you will have planted some seeds that will cause huge trouble.

UPDATE:

Was confronted by WW about why did I make calls?

I told her: I was fighting for my marriage!

WW did not "blow up" as bad as I thought she would.

WW then proceeded to say: "I am being 100% honest, the A is over."

I am thinking to myself, I could make a record out of it!

WW mentioned that I will now cause her to withdraw from (I say avoid) family members! She says, now who can she talk to to take her mind off of OM -- I said how about your H?

I don't get it -- WW says that she does not feel that I have her back (in 13 yrs), but in 1 month OM does???

That stung -- but I kept my cool!

More calls will be coming her way today!

Keep up the good work!

swade,

Get over it. What are you expecting? A part of her knows she has betrayed you and talking to you about OM will only hurt you worse in her mind. She is right BTW. She is doing you a favor. I have been that shoulder for my WW. It is tough. It is right of you to offer her your shoulder. It isn't necessarily wrong that she doesn't take you up on the offer.

Stop taking this so personally. It isn't personal. Well, maybe that knife in your heart is sort of personal. Bygones.

Keep watching her. She is still in love with OM. The reality of the A may or may not be over but the fantasy is alive and well in her mind. She may not act on it. I hope not. But you are a long way from happily ever after. I hope she has taken that first step. My motto at this point in the game was hope for the best but expect the worst. think about it.

Pio,

I am not sure how much the exposure affected anything in her.

WW says she is going to work on the M but if I cannot trust her (without check ups), then she may have to go.

I did not reply to this!

WW does not want to agree on any checks and boundaries -- i.e. allow me to see cell phone to see if she received any txt msgs. Am I making "demands" by doing this?

Should I just go along with this and keep doing Plan A?

Also - when she supposedly broke it off last night (in person) OM told her he is there for her - -she said that's nice to know!

She is in some FOG!!!!

What would be reasonable boundaries for now?

I also suggested we do the HNHN survey to identify our deficiencies in meeting each other's needs.

Only people with stuff to hide keep secrets, and engage in activities like secret email accounts, or second cellphones... Been there, seen it 1st hand.

Breaking it off in person was just an excuse to see him again. Been there, seen it twice.

Boundaries are an absolute need - but let the pros counsel you in where to set them. My wife is now @ her mom's, since I wouldn't allow her to continue an affair around the kids. Being out of the house hurts your ability to Plan A them to death...

Complete transparency would be a BC for me (boundary codition). Only you can decide what you are willing to accept. It is certainly not unreasonable for you to insist on transparency. She just betrayed you and now she says trust her or else? HelllllOOOOooooo.

All OM's say that BTW. My WW's certainly did. I'm sure he was there for her...all of maybe one week.

OM's generally want to look like the victim. Always leave them wanting more.

Make her write an NC letter according to MB guidelines. Will she do it?

Of course you can't trust her, she is untrustworthy. Trust has to be EARNED. It is not an entitlement.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Waywards are such lame bullsh*tters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Who are these pros????

I would like to see their response!

I just may call WW's bluff to go if she is not serious about setting any boundaries!

I take care of the entire household anyway!

Also - we have NO joint accts! My name only on the house!

But then again, I am in Cali!

I think the strict definition of "pro" is someone who gets paid. So I don't see any of those here. You are asking for someone with more experience that MelodyLane?

You are not playing poker. You are trying to save a marriage. If you "call her bluff", be prepared to have her gone forever. I doubt that is what she will do but my point is this is not a game. Just be prepared to stand by what you promise.

IMO she is telling you what you want to hear to get the pressure off her A. She will continue but out of your sight. If she truly is over the A, she will be completely transparent. Right now she is the one setting the boundary conditions. You need to take the wheel of this bus before your WW crashes it.

If she divorces you, CA is a community property no-fault state is it not? But make HER divorce you if that is what she wants.

Just curious. How did she handle Dday plus after your affair? What conditions did you lay down? DId you insist that she trust you or were you transparent?

Swade

Who are these pros????

The Harleys. I do not think anything we amateurs say will convince you that your current tactic is unhelpful. You appear to ME to be ( justifiably) very angry and self righteous. None of us would deny you that right but e also know it won't help you restore your marriage.

I suggest you arrange a telephone counselling session with Steve Harley.

Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639
or
e-mail (counsel@marriagebuilders.com)

Swade:


This is the chemical soup in her brain. It is like meth or crack or whatever. If you want the technical explanation, read this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post3251058

Larry

[/quote]

You are trying to save a marriage. If you "call her bluff", be prepared to have her gone forever. I doubt that is what she will do but my point is this is not a game. Just be prepared to stand by what you promise.

IMO she is telling you what you want to hear to get the pressure off her A. She will continue but out of your sight. If she truly is over the A, she will be completely transparent. Right now she is the one setting the boundary conditions. You need to take the wheel of this bus before your WW crashes it.

If she divorces you, CA is a community property no-fault state is it not? But make HER divorce you if that is what she wants.

Just curious. How did she handle Dday plus after your affair? What conditions did you lay down? DId you insist that she trust you or were you transparent? [/quote]

On my D-Day, I gave up a cell phone. I also allowed her to call me at work to check up on me. Last night I tried to calmly explain that no reconciliation can occur w/o openess, honesty, and accountability.

I agree, I think she simply wants to keep that A link in tact. She says when we discuss it, it makes her withdrawal harder.

You are also right about Cali being a community property state!

Every time we discuss boundary conditions, her "blood pressure" rises.

Right now, I am preparing for the worst (as you say) by getting myself prepared to raise the household alone, but hoping she would agree to counseling -- Thanks for your continued input!!!

Bob,

Thanks for the counseling POC -- I will call it TODAY!!!

swade, ask for Steve Harley, he is great!

ML -- Thanks for the suggestion!

I had an MC session schedule w/ Jen for Thursday -- I will call back to see when Steve is available!

ML -- tell me, did your WS agree to your BCs when set or did he fight them?

How did your plan A go?

Swade,
Expose, expose, expose!!! Believe me this is a tactic that will crush an affair as soon it's discovered. If I wouldn't have exposed my wife's affair I truly believe it would still be going on. Haven't told the OM wife about his affair with my wife yet but in time I will. I told my wife that I had to expose to let everyone no what was going on. My wife's parent's, friends, co-workers and un-fourtunately my kids. I told my wife if I wouldn't have exposed her affair that she simply would have gotten away with her little secret. Since my wife refused to write NC letter told her I had no choice but to expose the affair.