Hi everyone. I am having a terrible week--can't stop thinking about the past and the pain of an affair my H had many years ago. I am sad and haven't felt happy in a long time. H is still fairly independent of me--going out for coffee with one particular woman, emailing her from time to time about a shared interest, getting rides from her to concerts that they both play in, having lots of laughs together etc.

I seem to have this cycle where I can take these things for a while and then I get wound up and end up weeping or fighting with my H who thinks that I am overreacting and seeing things that aren't there.

That may be true. Maybe not.

I think that I am crying for my lack of backbone and for the loss of the old me that wouldn't let anyone jerk me around or get crumbs of attention.

I don't think that I can go on feeling so unhappy with my life. I am gaining weight (that I don't need to gain) so I know that things are bad.

This is a vent and thanks for listening. My h is out with his group of mixed friends at a bar downtown after a successful concert tonight. I'm alone at home with my 3 kids.

how do you re=energize yourself? Do you have any advice of how to rebuild aome inner strength?

What do you do when you are down?

Sandy

Sandigirrl,

I saw your post with 0 replies and thought maybe a least some response will make you feel better.

Start with a little step. Go get a book from the library. The book "Love me, Love Me Not" could give you some ideas about how to cope.

Excersize is essential to get your sense of self-worth operating again. Just do it!

I hope you can get some help with your kids. You need some time with friends.

Cheatedon

((sandigirrl))

It sounds like your H is still wayward in his thinking and may certainly be in an EA with the one particular woman. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? It seems that he is getting some of his needs met through his mutual interests with this OW. And it really doesn't matter if you are overreacting-it is painful for you. One of the Harley concepts is to never be the source of your spouse's unhappiness.

What have you both done for recovery from the first A? He seems to be very selfish about his choices considering his past behavior. It might be that you haven't really recovered from that first wound.

Have you been to your Dr? You may be suffering from depression. It sounds like it, because you feel like you've lost the "old you" and you feel unhappy and are gaining weight. AD's might help. But I also think you should find a good IC to work on you. I did-even though I originally thought that it was a "weakness" to need help. I am so grateful for my IC. I was in counseling with him when the A was exposed-and all the stuff that came later.

Also, you need to get into things you are interested in. Don't just stay home with the kids. Go to his concerts, take a dance class, join a walking group or ask a neighbor to join you. Just walking can help re-energize, help with depression, and help with weight management. If your kids are little, join a play group and meet with other moms.

I would also recommend a couple of books for you by Townsend and Cloud. One is Boundaries in Marriage and the other is Rescue Your Love Life. The key thing about these books is that they help you understand what YOU can do in your R and M.

As Dr. Phil would say "the only person you can control is you."

I know that feeling of unhappiness. Before my XH's EA/PA there was such a change in him towards me (because he was already in wayward-thinking-land) and we had gone through alot of transition: moved for his job (that he lost after the EA was exposed) older two kids moved out (one for college, the other stayed with friends in our old town to finish high school) and I was commuting to work for the first time ever-that I felt like the unhappiness was weighing on me like a heavy jacket. I had never felt that way before. IC and AD's really helped me get back to myself.

How are you today? Are you still around?

Having a hard time figuring out how to reply to a post--thanks for everyone's ideas. They make good sense.

I have thought about your advice. I agree that I am basing so much around what my H is doing, who he is seeing etc. that it does feel like a huge weight on me. I am not doing the things for myself that I should be doing.

I do feel depressed that even though I am doing everything I can, he is still thinking of someone else. It makes me so sad.

However, I am at the point that I can doing nothing more. I feel like I will explode if I sit idly by and watch him fall into an EA. I know that I can't change him but I am very nervous about what I am seeing. It's like watching a horror movie in slow motion. Terrible.

Is it a DJ to tell him about the risks of a friendship turning into an EA? How do i do this so that I don't sound like his mother?

Again, I am trying to control things that are out of my hands really. I guess that my love and the time I spend with him are not enough--he still needs more from someone else.

Of course she is cheery and fun, full of energy for their shared pastimes and I am tired of working 40 hour weeks, taking care of our home, raising our 3 kids. (3 teenagers!!)

I sound like a basket case. I really need to get my mind around taking care of me. I need to get right on that.

Thanks for listening everyone. I'll let you know the little steps that I am taking.

Please continue to give me ideas. I can't tell you how comforting it was to read your suggestions. It was like fresh air just blew through my house.

Thanks, Sandy

Feeling Better today. Made an appointment to get hair done and am going to join a gym down the street. I hope to get going on my self care.

Johnstwin: "It seems that he is getting some of his needs met through his mutual interests with this OW. And it really doesn't matter if you are overreacting-it is painful for you." I just had a brainstorm that no wonder he doesn't understand the pain I feel about his involvement with his "friend"--she meets certain needs he has, and I meet the others. In his mind--of course there is not a problem--and OF COURSE he can love me and like her (as a friend of course) at the same time! Compartmentalization!

He does not see that she is a threat at all--he sees these 2 things as totally separate issues.

So, I have to do something about this before it is too late. I truly think that the dark clouds of an affair are on the horizon and are moving closer by the day. He is on the computer checking it often--I believe he is waiting for her contact him--even just to chat about what's been happening lately.

The other night at 2:30 in the morning, after the concert, she dropped him off--he and she hugged goodbye. My stomach dropped.

I asked him about it. She is a hugger. He said everybody hugs each other in the group that he goes out with. i am uncomfortable with that and told him so. He blew it off as a "no big deal" kind of thing after all there was someone else in the car and they weren't REALLY alone.

I don't like it. I need some advice on how to bring this up without looking like I am nagging etc. I don't want to freak out.

Can you help me with a "script" to address this "friend" who is no friend of mine?

Please help.
Sandra