Hello all,

I need some guidance on a sticky situation. My husband just admitted to having an emotional affair and instead of repenting, he wants a divorce. He said he wasn't happy in our marriage, but failed to tell me until I found out about his affair. He ended it, but feels he is not worthy of being my husband any longer. He says he still feels like he wants to cheat and liked it. I want to work things out and use the tools that I've learned to stop his cheating heart. We've been married for 7 years with a 6 year old daughter that he adores. What can I do to? I already told him that I forgive him and I understand why he did what he did... I did not meet his emotional needs and now I'm asking for that chance, but he insists that it will not work out. Help!

My WH did pretty much the same thing - except he asked for the divorce before he told me of the A. He said the same things - hadn't loved me in years and was unhappy, didn't want to be married, and didn't want to make any attempt to work it out. Chances are, he has not ended his A at all. This is the most horrible time for you and I really feel for you right now because I know exactly how it feels. The advice here is great, though it is hard to do especially in the emotional state you are in. But if you really want to get him back, do it as well as you can, and at the same time protect yourself financially. There are many people here who have reached recovery, but it takes a long, long time (years) and they go through an aweful lot before they get to that stage, so make sure you protect yourself.

Ditto here. H sent me an email asking for D and my confirmation that I agreed that we had no commitment anymore! After almost 30 yrs! Can you imagine?! Of course I refused to agree to anything. He told me at the time he never cheated on me. I think that was a crock. I only recently discovered he's having an A (was told many times there was a good possibility of it but would not believe it because I trusted him). The A seems to have been going on a mth or two before I rec'd the email askin for the D.

He kept telling me the M is over, and after almost 6 months of it I got tired of hearing it. I had him served. His reply to that was "you could at least had the decency to warn me they were coming." Talk about being in a fog.

I needed to protect myself with an atty and I feel good that I did. H wants to call all the shots and do this without an atty but it's not going to be his way anymore.

You may want to think very carefully about your situation. I wish you the best. This is a very difficult time.

all fo this stuff is right out of the WS handbook. Please read all there is to read here so you know the battle you will have to fight to regain your M (that is if you all want it back).

I am sorry for all of your pain.

I find it a bit odd that the A is over and yet he says he still wants out so desperately. This just doesn't sound right. If the A is over, he might want a divorce but he would not be in a hurry. It sounds to me like there is more going on that you know. Maybe the A isn't really over after all. Don't know but this is suspicious.

I hope you are reading everything you can on this site-starting with the links on the side and the information in Just found out for newly betrayed spouses. You will learn that your H sounds like every WS (wayward spouse).

It has sometimes been described as if the waywards are taken captive by the affair mothership and come back with an alien brain that says the same thing. It can also best be described as an addiction. The emotional connection to the OP is an infatuation that becomes as powerful as an addiction. The WS will go through withdrawal without their affair "fix".

They suddenly become detached from their children, re-write your marital history, say hurtful things, and act very conflicted. They often will want to get back with the BS (betrayed spouse) and then run back to the OP (Other person). This is cake eating. It is part of their addiction.

You should get Surviving an Affair. It will help you understand what you can do. Also, keep coming back here.

This is a good place to be in your situation.

Ongbasa,

Sorry to hear that you have been thrust into this arena.

I’m happy to welcome you to MB’rs, just the same.

You said: [color:"blue"] I need some guidance on a sticky situation. My husband just admitted to having an emotional affair and instead of repenting, he wants a divorce.[/color]

Most of them say this.

He’s not going to make the biggest mistake of his life and them come back singing that he’s a fresh turd steaming in the morning sun.

As mentioned previously, it’s right out of the script for a WS.

Do not be surprised if the A had more involved than just emotional aspects. Prepare yourself for this possibility.

Are you CERTAIN that the A has ended?

Employ your snooping techniques big time to verify this, just don’t let him catch you. Certainly don’t rub it in his face that you are doing it.

By the way, describing adultery or emotional A’s as “a sticky situation” is an understatement. It’s the most difficult issue that many people will face in their entire life time.

Read all of Harley’s free web postings at the web site entrance and become totally familiar with the MB program.

Buy books that he sells that will help you to understand all of this.

Read worthatry's BS Quick Start Guide . (click on that link)

Keep posting about your situation on the same thread so that everyone can follow your situation and offer efficient support.

You said: [color:"blue"] I did not meet his emotional needs and now I'm asking for that chance[/color]

Ma’am, your going to have to make your own chance. If you sit around and wait for your H to allow you to call all the shots and agree to take control of the situation it will never happen.

Use the skills that you will learn here to become the leader in your M, take the reigns, and carve out your own future and the future of your M.

More background information about your situation will prove to be beneficial to us.

Stay strong and take care of your health! That’s really important.

Best wishes.

Great post, Plank. I concur with the others and don't believe the affair is over. He wants to leave so he can be free to carry on his affair but doesn't want the trouble that comes from admitting he left for another woman.

I would advice that you find out who this OW is via some snooping and plan to expose the affair. You might want to also contact her and make sure she knows he is married with a child at home and that you will fight for your marriage. My H's affair ended the DAY I did this.

Please get your hands on "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley ASAP. You can order it from the MB bookstore with cheap, fast shipping. That will help you understand what you are dealing with here.

p.s. also make clear to him that you will not cooperate with any seperation schemes and that moving out will not FREE him to date. Dating while married is ADULTERY, whether you live together or not.

He wants you to be the bad guy and file for D, meanwhile, he wants to be "separated" so that he can pursue his EA a little further. Keep tabs on him because he will want to take his EA to a PA if he already hasn't. Don't give into his requests, and let him know that dating while "separated" is still cheating. Who is OW? Is she a coworker? You need to find out who she is and do some exposing on her end. As long as they still have contact you can be sure that this A will not end.

THIS is a mistake



READ what another poster wrote after her counseling with Harley:



[color:"blue"]"Yesterday, I had my first session w Steve Harley. He explained it to me this way

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As long as you believe that your H had an affair because his emotional needs were not being met (as a *primary* reason) you will be meeting his emotional needs out of fear, there will always be a gun held to your head. Your H had an affair because he failed to protect HIMSELF from his own vulnerabilities, period. He is accountable and responsible for all"

Ditto...Ditto..Ditto...to what ALL the OTHERS are saying...

Lay low to do your snooping..find out who she is...EXPOSE..the A has likely NOT ended..and is likely more than an EA.. (Sorry)..he wants you to AGREE to the DIVORCE...

The key NOW is to ACT on meeting his ENs..START TODAY..don't SAY what you are going to DO about the ENs or ASK HIM to DO ANYTHING...FOCUS ON YOURSELF...

What you DO SAY is that YOU WANT TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE AND THAT YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE...

YES to everything the above posters responded.

And whatever you do, DO NOT tell him about your posts or bring him to this site. This is your safe place for support. Bringing him here or telling him about your posts WILL BACKFIRE. We've seen it hundreds of times.