My WH ended his A on Monday after leaving the family home 6 1/2 mths ago to stay at his parents and to facilitate his A. We have been talking about getting back together for about the last 3 weeks on the understanding he ended the A.

Since Mon I have seen him only once but we have kept in touch via email. I recently sent him the article "4 rules to guide marital recovery after an affair" for him to read through (he knows that I am willing to take him back and forgive him and until Mon, this was what he wanted) which he agreed to do. When he was here yesterday I also asked him to fill in EN questionnair.

The email he sent said this: "I have read a lot of stuff as you have asked me to do, there is so much, not only to read but to compare and think about, information overload I call it! I will be reading some more later but I feel we need to stand back today, I do anyway. Selfish, maybe, call it what you will but I need a quiet day today. I read through the questionnair and it will take a bit of time to fill in and I can't do it online".

I don't know how to take this. He is willing to read the article and fill in the questionnair but he is not going to be doing it on the only day he has off. Is his reluctance to do anything today because he is in the grips of withdrawal?

Should I ignore his email or reply, if so, what do I say? I am going round a friends later so at least I can take my mind off things for a while, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Tarnsy

Hi,

I got one of those kinds of e-mails. It c/b just as he is stating or he is making an excuse. Time will tell.

That is why I tell BS to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

See you see this stuff as relatively easy reading, logical and s/b easy to implement. A Fws may not see it the same. They often see it as a challenge to their WS way of life, because.... it is.

Seeing a WS attitude suffocating is hard even for a FWS t/d. The WS side of him won't go willingly and the internal struggle it may cause makes life confusing for most FWS'.

So my suggestion is to respond in a low key but firm manner, something like:

Hi FWS,

Got your response..... it sort of scares me. Not sure if what you are saying is you need time to continue your A or not. Not sure what you mean about needing a quiet day. I can understand if you need a 'quiet day' to prepare yourself to reenter our family but since the A has led you to be questionable in your actions..... well..... just say your words make me a bit apprehensive.

Sincerely,
BS and family.

NOTE: I did something similar to my then Xws. When he responded he gave more insight so I could tell if he was truly taking time or stalling. In my case both happened because there were several false recovery attempts.

What his response allowed me to do was either go to plan B or tried t/b understanding and be patient. Both were hard t/d but I was able to cope better if I knew what he was really up to.

JMHO,
L.

Thx for the advice, I replied along the lines you suggested but received no response til this morning but WH was just emailing to tell me about the problems he is having with his brother.

He came tonight to take our DD's to his for dinner and then came in to chat upon their return. Again the conversation was about his brother and I gave him my support and advice. I decided not to mention previous days email but did bring up the subject of MC which we have discussed before. He said I could make an appointment with the Counsellor I saw previously but doesn't know if he will come.

I also asked if he was any further along in his decision but he still doesn't know if he wants to be with me or OW. I reminded him that last w/end he let me believe that he was coming home but he now says he ended it with the OW as he couldn;t have a GF whilst trying to decide what it is he wants and this is why he ended their R, not to come home.

He has had email contact with her but as he doesn't live here I can't be sure if this is all.

I don't believe I LB'd at all and he gave me peck on the lips as he left. Oh, and he did ask why I didn't reply to his email this morning so ignoring him must have got to him!

He will be picking up our DD's again tomorrow evening, do I mention the article I sent him or the questionnair, or not? I don't want to push but he left nearly 7mths ago for the OW and I had got my life sorted and now it's in turmoil again.

I seem to always be waiting for him to make his mind up and I just wonder if I can nudge him in the right direction at all. Your advice would be appreciated.

Sounds like the affair ended on Monday and started back up on Tuesday.

Thx for your supportive comment. I asked for advice not an opinion!

My advice is not to take him back until there is verified no contact, he commits to whatever it takes to recover, will go to marriage counseling, be an open book and be accountable for his time, and will take the steps you need for recovery.

yes, i wouldn't push him.
i would put the ball in his court like this: (when i was in counseling and trying to save my marriage my counselor had me do something similar)

tell him you love him and want to work on having a happy healthy marriage. the only way that is going to happen is with a commitment on both parts. that the conditions if you will for you having him in your life will be complete open book honesty, access to email and phone records, complete accountability. tell him you are not going to push him on any of this. tell him this is how you feel and that when he is ready to make these commitments to the marriage the door is wide open for him to come home. BUT, in the mean time, you are going to go about your life and your business. tell him you are not going to bring up anymore R talk or anything, that he now knows what needs to be done and when he is ready to do it, you will be there with him 100%

then leave it at that! go about your life, live your life, and don't talk R talk. go see that counselor by yourself. plan A from a distance. do it FOR YOU. But don't take him back until he agrees to some version of the above or you are in for it.

see, i did the above and eventually my ex came home. BUT, i did not do the "access to emails and phone and total accountability" part. I just let him come home and it was a train wreck waiting to happen. i had no access to email or phone records, no account of where he was, etc... NO NO NO. does not work that way. let's just say, he is my EX now.

enforce the boundaries.

mlhb

Tarsny,

That 'opinion' is based on a lot of experience. I would head that advice even if it seems hard to hear.

Given that piece of advise, pull back. Time to let it sink in.

Just to let you know, many a WS are slow at learning. The mothership teaches the WS to only work based on a feeling. NO facts, no truth, no justice, no love, no loyalty, no logic.....

Therefore when one tries to stop being a WS, it takes time for them to churn info like logic, truth, etc.

My then WS would take days (i.e. 5 - 10 days) to answer a simple question.

You made your point, he says he needs time to mull... you can't understand why but give him that time. It will either absolve or hang him.

In the meantime, keep busy moving forward.

1. What are your personal and M boundaries?
2. What is your plan B (in case you need it).
3. Have you secured your finances?
4. Call Steve H @ MB for a plan.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Don't try to teach or preach right now. Let him ask you for help. Let him know help is available but all are leary on how to help him, so he needs to provide some direction. Basically, you need to know where his 'toes' are so you don't step on them. On the other hand he needs t/d the same with you.

take care,
L.

And if "ignoring" him bothers him.....hmmmm, that's a good data point.

You FEEL like you've been waiting, because you ARE waiting. Stop waiting, it only makes you dependent on his whims. Stop REACTING and begin ACTing in your best behalf. Do as Orchid says and get your ducks in a row. You may need to go to Plan B VERY soon. Now that things are crumbling in fantasyland.....a good, but SHORT Plan A....followed by a very dark Plan B (if he resumes the affair) is the direction I would go. He's not ready for all that MB stuff yet.....and he may never be. But if/when he is....you won't have to convince him to do it.

(((((((((((((((tarnsy)))))))))))))))))

Thx everyone for your comments. I am taking it all on board.

I am getting on with my life, seeing old friends, making new ones and looking at changing my career direction. I just need to get a couple of minor surgeries out of the way and then hopefully I'll be able to get into college or do a home learning course and get a part time job (finances are not good at the mo, but this is not because of WH, he has been very good financially).

I think I shall let him know that I am here ready to work on our M if he is willing to have NC but until then I shall be getting on with my life. I am not going to force him to do anything and shall avoid any R talk. Would it be a good idea to say these things face to face or would email be better where I can keep my feelings in check?

Starfish, is there anywhere I can read your story?