I'm trying to assemble a list of potential recovery requirements. Here's the reason.

So I lied and cheated on my guy twice with the same other guy. It was wrong and complicated but I took full responsibility for it. We are in recovery now, at least I think so.

It's understandable for him to not be able to get over what has happened between me and the other guy. He couldn't help thinking about me being in bed with the other guy while he was lying in bed with me. He even lost his interest in sex with me because it only reminded him of what I did with the other guy. I understand all these.

He wanted me to come up with a plan/plans to help him build trust in me again. Initially he wanted me to do something significant to show him that he could trust me again in the future. Honestly I couldn't really come up with anything significant to make him trust me again over one night and I was told by many people that trust is developed over extended period of time.

I tried to communicate with him and find out what he wanted me to do to help him build trust again because according to "After the Affair" (Sorry I forgot the author), what he values might not be what I thought valuable, so it's more effective if I could do what he hoped from me. (And trust me, I've tried some means that I valued the most but he didn't appreciate it at all and I don't blame him.) But he refused to tell me what he expected from me, saying it would only be for real and sincere if I myself came up with the right actions.

I gave him access to my phone bill and all email accounts. Phone calls everyday to update him about what I'm doing and whereabout. But that's not good enough.

I'm not here to complain but to sincerely plead for help from those who have experienced this or similar situations and could help with possible list of recovery requirements that once helped you and your spouse move forward and build trust back. Even if you have never experienced this or were in the very same situation, please drop me a line and maybe we can discuss together and hopefully help each other.

Thanks so much!!!

Hi SB,

How long ago did he find out? This ambivalence/apathy/etc. that you're feeling from him could be shock or grief (or a million other things). What makes you think you're in recovery? Have you both committed to trying at the M?


You're not a mind reader so I feel he's asking a little too much to expect you to suddenly hit on doing the right thing. Could you have misinterpreted his meaning here (or he might not have stated it clearly) & maybe it's the 'trying' that he wants to see: to me there'd be a big difference between my F?WW saying "what can I do to make you trust me more ?" & watching her trying to rebuild the trust off her own back.

Personally, I'd like F?WW to give me access to the email & phone accounts (so you're on the right track here); I also feel that I need to know what happened between them physically (I imagine a lot of things & this haunts me - I suppose that if I knew the definitive truth then this would stop) BUT I also know that not every BS feels this way.

Essentially I'd like my F?WW to be an open book, transparent in every way.

Good luck.

b.p.m.

Sorry,

Let's see. You are jumping all over these forums essentially asking, no begging, for answers to your self- made dilemma. You have gotten responses from some of the best people here including Melody, Pepper and noodle and you don't bother to even acknowledge the time they put into helping you. IMO this smacks of your immaturity. If it is so obvious to us here, I can't imagine what your actions are doing to your boyfriend.

A sign of maturity is the ability to defer immediate gratification for a greater good or goal.Don't expect your BF to wave a magic wand and make your screwups go away. Infidelity takes time to recover.

Go back and read those above mentioned posts and thank those posters for their attempt at help.

Then go to your boyfriend , look him in the eye and HONESTLY say and MEAN" I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes".

From Penalty Kill

SB, this is from a previous post of yours:


Your boyfriend is no prize. As far as he's concerned, "whatever it takes for as long as it takes" includes threesomes when he's upset. You both sound incredibly immature. I hope that you're using protection, for all the usual reasons.

You cheated. He's creepy. It's not exactly a match made in heaven. It's a relationship that should be put out of its misery.

BUY THIS BOOK [color:"red"]<~~~ link [/color]

you need to read about how to BE in a relationship

you cannot repair a marriage that did not happen

you were not married because neither of you are BUYERS at this time

study this book & then I will be MOST happy to discuss it with you ....

To Cymanca, thanks for replying and for the heads-up of my lack of etiquette here. And I really mean it.

To b.p.m, I agree with what you suggested and expected and actually I've done all those. He has access to all my personal account or phone bill and I call him to let him know what's happening and where I am. I believe seeing me trying would be a reassurance to him but he also wants results but not just attempts. I hope this is not too rude or direct, but have you ever expected your wife to initiate any activity or to create new memories that will outweigh all the bad memories and suffering she gave you? Feel free to let me know if discussing this makes you feel uncomfortable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for trying to help.

To penaltybox, yeah I know that sounds creepy and he's not flawless but he's not a bad person. I know he's the only person that would never hurt me purposely in the world (and please don't tell me how immature that sounds 'cuz I've experienced enough to know if he would or would not), and trust me, he's mature in terms of both age and experiences. I would say he's somewhat manipulative sometimes but he could be reasoned with. I guess I just don't know how much sense it makes when he says being with me alone reminds him of things I did with the other guy but I did read post on this board that confirmed this statement. I don't know anymore...

To Pepperband, I will read the book and get back to you. Thanks for your suggestion!

And thanks for all your time and effort trying to help!

Hey PK, one of these days I am going to learn from you; go look at the old posts BEFORE replying. Yeouchhhhh.

Those explain a LOT!

Larry

From Penalty Kill

Hey Larry, I always do that for new posters. I don't want to miss the forest for the trees....

Sorry Bets, please excuse my tone in the last post. I believe that I could have made my points without being such a wiseguy.

As to your boyfriend not being a "bad guy", I can accept that he has some good points. But a relationship is about how two people interact. Right now, the interaction between the two of you has soured. It is not good, or healthy for you to be put on the spot of providing girls for your b/f when he is upset.

Talking with him...apologizing....analyzing what went wrong...making amends, yes.

But bringing a girl in for a threesome is as damaging to your relationship as cheating. You say:


Doesn't it hurt when he wants you to provide his sexual entertainment and you're not it? You were already dreading having to be the pimp(ette) in your previous post. So he's hurting you, and he's doing it purposely. Don't for one instant be fooled into thinking he doesn't mean to do it because he's sad about your infidelity. That won't wash.


It's fine to say that things remind him of your infidelity. It's not fine to expect you to fix it by offering up one of your friends for him to get busy with. Do you see the difference? Do you see the hypocrisy? How can it make him upset that you had sex with someone else if he is all too willing to do the same thing to you? The fact that you enable him speaks to an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship that doesn't bode well for the long-term.

And you know what? That's ok. You're not supposed to be compatible with everyone you date. It's dating, not marriage. Remember that.

I strongly suggest that you end this relationship, and don't rush to become exclusive with anyone else until you are sure that you can remain faithful, at least during the courtship phase.

Take care.

Hi Penaltybox, he's not asking me to have someone else to be with us in order to help him stop thinking about what the other guy and I did. His problem now is that we need to create new memories to help us move forward 'cuz all he has now is negative memories about me and the other guy when we are alone together because, according to him, he would always wonder if the other guy and I did the same thing he and I did or in the same way etc. etc.
I'm basically running out of ideas of what we could do to create new memories and he refuses to tell me what his expectations are.

May I suggest a vacation or outing? I mean a 3some isn't exactly the healthiest way to "create new memories". Besides, don't you find this demeaning? Is this guy really worth it? (You realize you're putting yourself at an even bigger risk of stds, right?)

I'm no pro, but if I were in your shoes (btw - I'm a FWW), I would be finding some wholesome ways to reconnect and make new memories.

Hi time for change, thanks for your suggestion and for not being harsh on me and my boyfriend.

I wish a vacation or an outing could make the difference. But a recent conversation between him and me sorta indicated in what area he might be expecting the creation of new memories.

I said "Does it (new memories) have to be in bed?"
He said "Did you have to cheat on me with him in bed?"

I was at a loss of words. He complained that I gave away all our good memories to the other guy (which is not true but I don't want to argue with him about that), and the physical relationship part seems to hurt him and bother him the most. He's not asking me to get someone else involved with us anymore, but if creating new memories in bed is his expectation... I don't know... It's a tough one to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I guess one other thing I wonder is that... is his reaction normal? If yes, why? If not, why not?

NO. Wanting a threesome so that he can "get over" you cheating on him is NOT NORMAL.

I am a BW and the LAST FREAKING THING I would want is a threesome with my FWH and another man in order to "get over" his A. That is so sick. You are right in that he is manipulative.

Most likely he has been wanting to try this "threesome" sick-o thing for a while, and now he's using your cheating on him to justify it and manipulate you into doing it. How does you cheating on him make a threesome ok? Do two wrongs make a right?

You will never be able t "make it up" to him. Being betrayed like this is beyond "making it up".

I could go on, but you are not even married yet. I suggest you figure out why you did this when you are not even yet married, and go from there. Are you sure this relationship is even worth saving? You obviously did not think very highly of your boyfriend, why waste your time, or his?

Please figure that out first, ok? If your relationship is truly meant to be, then you will figure out how to make it up to him, and he will figure out why he thinks having a threesome is going to make him feel better.

Sigh......
So far the most I heard is that I should either tell my boyfriend to get over it or get rid of him.
And since we aren't even married, so it's basically not worth saving.

Not what I read in most other posts.........