Hello. I am a first time poster here and I guess I'm reaching out in desperation because I feel like I'm traveling a bad path that I don't want to travel any longer. To make a long story short, I have had 2 affairs during my 10 year marriage and am currently ending the latter of them. The first affair started about 5 years ago and lasted about 3 months. The A ended, I told my H and things seemed to be going ok- not great- but ok. In spite of that, I still seemed empty inside and just lonely. I tried talking to my H about this and he didn't really understand what I was describing. He tried to be there as best he could and I appreciated his efforts. I tried to make peace with God through confession and reading the bible, etc. I also attended a few session of IC (my H wasn't open to doing MC). However, in spite of all this, I still felt sad and lonely.

Well, stupidly, while going through withdrawal from OM #1, OM #2 entered the picture and the whole A process started again. I guess it's like an alcoholic trying to lessen his pain with a drink of vodka. I felt sad from saying goodbye to OM1, felt like I was destined to feel loneliness in my M (even though I love my H) and, therefore, I stupidly allowed OM2 to come in and help me escape from the realities of my life. The A didn't start right away, it was more an EA initially and I kept telling myself that I was in control of the situation and I was just doing some innocent flirting to feed my self esteem, fill the emptiness, etc. Well, of course, things progressed and before I knew it, I was involved in another full fledged PA. This A has been going on (on and off) for the past 5 years. My H doesn't know about this OM. I want to share this with my H, but I would like to do some self reflection first I guess. I guess I'd like to be able to go before God and ask forgiveness again and then go to my H and confess to him and be able to have answers as to what the ****** is wrong with me. I will tell my H, I want to tell him so that we can properly heal (if he still wants me) but I need to have a few answers for myself first.

I have a wonderful life, a wonderful H and absolutely no reason to feel empty inside. However, I am scared to death to give up the OM2 because of having to face the loneliness and emptiness and not have my escape any longer. I feel like I am at a stage where I want to be done with the A, I just need to find some resources where I can go that will help me to open my heart to God and to help me to become repentent. I have been in NC with the OM for 2 days now and I miss him, but I don't think it's really hit me that he's not in my life any longer. I'm scared for the pain to hit.

I'm sorry that I'm rambling on and it probably doesn't seem like I have a point here, but I guess what I'm asking is if anyone can help me by telling me how I can go about starting to figure out what's going on with me? How can I go about having God fill that emptiness inside, rather than looking for material things (such as A's) to fill it? I just feel lost and I need help. I need someone to steer me in the right path. I live in a small town, far from any larger cities, so there aren't really any counselors in the area. Does anyone know any good resources for helping me take the first steps in figuring out what's missing inside myself and how I can fill that void?

Thank you to anyone who can offer any help to a really lost person.

babycat

I am so glad that you are willing to be here. This is a good place to be for both the wayward spouse (WS as they are called here) and the betrayed spouse (bs). Please check out the thread titled Katie_Mae and read the link in the first post.

Katie Mae was a WW (wayward wife) who posted her story on that link. There are other WS's here who can help you too.

What you are experiencing right now is withdrawal. You see, the feelings you had for the OM became addictions. You needed contact with them to feel that "high" you got from being with them. Although you are completely responsibly for your choices, just know that this is part of the process.

Please read the links on the side titled The most Important Emotional Needs and Dr. Harley's basic concepts. Also, I would recommend Dave Carder's Torn Asunder, as it has information for both the WS and BS. It will help you understand your BH's feelings.

I will put a "call out" for other WS's to read your post and give you some help.

Hang in there. You are in good company here.

BC75,

Welcome to MB. Let's see, you want help? Ok, let's start by giving you basics....

1. Go read SAA, His needs/Her needs (both are by Harley).

2. Call Jennifer C @ MB for a recovery plan.

3. After items 1 & 2 are in process, you will learn how to approach this subject with your H. Know he may want to leave you as a result but he would anyways once he finds out.

If you are feeling lonely, is he? What are you ENs (emotional needs) and what are his?

Best to strengthen your good resolve before working on his. Expect him t/b angry. To give you some insight, please read the link in my signature about the stages of grieving.

After you have done your reading on the books and met with Jennifer, read the link about Trueheart's letter to the Ws. That's in my sig link also.

Hope this helps. Recovery is a long hard journey one of which will require a lot of work on your part. Sounds like your M is worth that effort.


Btw, I am not a WW. I am a BS. Writing to you is hard but I don't mind if it helps you get better as a W and helps your M.

All the best,
L.

*sigh*

Wish I could help. I am emotionally not able to post to more than one or two wayward wives at a time. I can help you with an explanation of what is going on with your feelings though.

See it is that you are likely in the grips of something called PEA (phenylethylalamine). This is the affair, fall in love at first sight, romantic love before you really know the person, brain chemical that human beings get as a biological thing. It helps us mate and at the same time, causes us all sorts of problems like affairs.

PEA is just like meth or coke or any other drug of choice and what is going on with you is withdrawal. I urge you to treat it just like that - withdrawal. And the net is full of sites that help you including this one.

What happened with you is that you crave PEA just like any other junkie and without it, you feel empty. In your marriage, you never did find the other drug, ocytocin, which would have helped you bond with your husband, either by your choice or that neither of you knew how to trigger it. Simple as that and complicated as heck.

I wish you well.

Larry

Welcome. Please know that you are in the right place to get started and get through this.

You are doing the right thing by giving up your A.

Go ahead and get "Surviving an Affair" and read, read, read! Get your hands on all material you can. Read the Q&A on site from start to finish. There's also a thread on here called BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS (click) which will give some great reading to help you too. Another thread - ON WITHDRAWAL & RECOVERY that should help too.

You are going to have to come clean with your H ASAP. He will be in a lot of pain by this second betrayal and you will need to show that you will be there to help him through it and that you are getting help to prevent it from EVER happening again. Get in therapy for yourself NOW - you have to figure out WHY you had these affairs.

tell your h now... he has a right to the truth above everything else.
every day that you keep him in the dark, you are betraying him.
please tell him now and give him the choice as to how he wants to proceed.

babycat, the path to recovery lies in no contact and the path to no contact lies in telling your H the truth NOW. If your H knows, you will almost be forced to end the affair and you know that is the right answer. So, your first step should be telling your H the truth and asking for his forgiveness. There will be no recovery until honesty takes place anyway, not the other way around.

The second step will be to find out what has happened here in order to prevent this from happening again and getting into an effective program of recovery. An effective program would help you fall in love again, but more importantly would teach you to protect yourself from your own vulnerabilities. It is weak boundaries that lead to affairs. But, we can help you with this if he is willing to stay in the marriage.

But, first things first, babycat, tell your husband the truth and then volunteer to completely end contact with the OM by sending him a nc letter. That has to be the first step.

After you tell him, I would suggest sending him here so we can help him if he does choose to stay in the marriage.

babycat,

I believe that when people can't stop themselves from doing things they know are wrong, harmful, destructive, sinful, that there is a reason they're sabotaging what ought to be good life. I don't know you well enough to know what that reason is....but often it's because people never learned the right coping skills to deal with loss, loneliness, depression etc. Somewhere along the line you learned to "medicate" yourself instead of learning productive ways to deal with the challenges you face. Your drug of choice is a will destroy your marriage if you don't get help. Rebuilding your character will be as important as rebuilding your marriage.

I really don't want to hear this stuff about how you can't be honest until you do some personal work....but you can't do the personal work while you're still living a double life. You can't get there from here. It's just stalling and rationalization. The reason you can't be honest is because you're scared of the repercussions. You got to start being honest....here....and there. You won't get very far until you can take that first step....honesty. While you are still in your "wayward" state....I'm not sure how helpful this site will be to you.

What do you hope find here? Reasons for ending the affair? Reasons for being honest to your husband?

If she is sincere in her desire to seek help and can get honest, this place will be helpful to her. If not, nothing will be "helpful." Agree that honesty has to be the first step.

Johnstwin, I just wanted to say thank you very much for responding to my thread and taking me under your wing, so to speak. I can’t begin to tell you how incredibly humbled I am that you cared enough to post to me, in spite of the fact that you have been hurt by your own WS. So, thank you for caring. I was reading the Katie Mae post earlier today and I read a lot of similarities between her situation and mine- mainly the feelings that she was describing. Interestingly, when I ended my first A, I found and bought the book SAA and HNHN in the local bookstore and I found the website through those books. So, I lurked on the marriage builders site back then and I actually did print out the questionnaires and stuff. I told my H about this site and stuff but he didn’t show much of an interest in coming here and I didn’t want to nag or force him to do it. So, I am familiar with the site and I have read the books that you mentioned and they did help me at the time.

Orchid, I also wanted to say that I appreciate your willingness to help me in spite of the fact that I am a WS and you are a FBS. It means a lot to me. You asked if my H was lonely as well. Honestly, he doesn’t seem to be. I know that sounds insane but he really seems happy for the most part. When we did the EN questionnaire together before, we both seemed to be meeting each other’s most important needs. I guess this is part of what scares me the most is the fact that I have been able to put on such a good front and live a double life for so long without my H seeming to notice. There have been times when I wish that he would have noticed, just so I’d have a reason to end the A with OM2. My H is a wonderful man and I honestly can’t think of anything that’s lacking in our marriage (obviously with the exception of my devotion to him). That’s why I wonder if Marriage builders can even help me. I think that these A’s are a result of something that is morally or spiritually wrong with me, some character flaw that I have. My M isn’t lacking yet I still feel the need to have an A. I don’t think I’m a sex addict. Maybe I’m addicted to the romance part of it, but would that make sense even though I’ve been involved in a LTA and the romance part has already wore off? Sometimes I wonder if I’m addicted to drama and need that in my life in order to escape the “boredom” that I seem to be convinced would be there otherwise. I don’t know, I’m so confused. I wonder if I’m just a lost cause and so far gone morally that I will never regain my conscience or my God given graces. That’s what I need to know. How do I go about getting on the path to finding them again and making things right with God? How do I get my God given graces back so that I am alive spiritually again and so that I have the need to denounce sin and sinful acts?

Larry, I agree with you about the addiction. It is very much like an addiction and I feel like I am now at the point where I am just exhausted and want to get out of this nasty cycle. I feel like I need to heal myself internally and that things will fall into place from there. Whatever this hole is that’s missing, I need to figure out how to fill it again. I suspect that this hole is from my turning away from God for so long and making sinful choices that my soul is crying out. Where do I even begin to heal myself?

Time for change and MEDC, thank you for your help. I have read the books you’ve listed and they did help. As I said earlier, I am scared that my issues go deeper than what this site can offer, however I don’t know where to turn to get the help I need. I have tried counseling and all the counselors that I have seen always try to say that it’s something that’s lacking in my marriage or something that happened in my childhood. The thing is that my M is awesome- there is no reason that I should be having an A. Nothing is missing. And as far as my childhood, it was a good childhood. I was never molested, I had/have a good relationship with my family and I was raised in a good, wholesome catholic family. I know that there is a history of A’s in my family (my paternal grandfather and some of my dad’s brothers) but nothing in my immediate family. That’s why I feel like this is something that is wrong with me and only me. My poor H just happened to get stuck with someone who’s f’ed up in the head.

Starfish, It makes sense what you said about not being able to cope with things the right way and , in turn, learn to medicate myself with bad things. I feel like this is what I’ve been doing. But, the problem is that I don’t know what it is that I’m hiding from or medicating myself from. I mean, I know that the reason OM2 happened was because I was trying to medicate myself from the pain of ending it with OM1 but I don’t know what was wrong to allow OM1 to happen in the first place. Where do I begin in trying to figure that out?

Melody, I hear you about NC. I am working on that and am currently implementing that. It’s been 2 days and I am praying for God’s help because I want off this sick roller coaster ride once and for all. I have been looking into recovery programs and I would be willing to go to them but part of the problem is that I live in a town of about 1500 and the nearest metro area is 2 hours away so there is nothing readily available for me. I wish that I could find a counselor who could help me figure out what is going on with me, what sort of character flaw I have that lead to this to begin with. I guess one of the questions I have is that if this is a character flaw, does that mean that I am damaged goods and will never make a good wife? That scares me to think that because that’s not what I want. I want to find God again but this time I want to find him and embrace him so that nothing evil can enter in again.

babycat, the first step is to TELL YOUR HUSBAND. He must be told NOW. Honesty is the first step, not the last. It is in your husbands best interest to be told NOW so he can protect himself. He can help ensure that contact ends NOW.

First things FIRST... Go tell the man.

BC,

Thanks for the update. Your sitch isn't hopeless but gotta let you know that not all but many men are poor communicators. So even if something is bothering them, many internalize it and may go off t/d something else when all it would take is communicating. Not sure why they shy away from it sooo much but that's reality. Wonder if your H is one of those. Read His Needs/Her Needs and leave it lying around the house. If he asks why let him know it has been brought to your attention that men and women have different communication tendencies and you were wondering how to dicpher it properly. If he wants to learn more, he can read it.

Make sure you call either Jennifer or Steve @ MB.

take care,
L.