<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> [color:"blue"] [/color] I need advise. I've read the Q&A's and such and know that the Doctor says to stay away from the things that upset you, so you can move forward. My husband had an affair with his ex-niece-in-law. They knew each other years ago before she married his nephew. She has daughters and grandchildren who live with my best friend, who is my sister-in-law and their grandmother/great-grandmother. I'll be doing fine and then just seeing the children or being near where she lives upsets me. How do I deal with the family reunions and such. I love my husband and hurt so very much though I attempt to start every day a new and look toward the future. I keep getting hit with this 'family' thing and it brins it all back. Will I ever heal or am I doomed to be in pain forever. It has been 11 months. We'll be celebrating our 25 year anniversary this year and his nephew is having a 50th B'day celebration for my husband and himself (Yes they both will be 50) and I know she will be there. I'm so hurt, think I am doomed?

you will continue to be hurt and no real healing will take place until there is NO CONTACT.... NONE.
I am assuming that the affair has been exposed to your respective families.
To be clear.. did he have the affair with her before she married his nephew??? Does the nephew know what happened? Please provide more detail.

MEDC

She was his high school girlfriend, he left went into the service and she married his cousin, 30 odd years ago. Our life was 'charmed'; such love, trust, desire and all - we moved here to MO and he met her again, while I was working, at a party his nephew gave. She pursued him, told him of her woes, he comforted her and they ended up having sex just one time. I found out, and he still called her and she him and she pursued him for 2 months until I threatened to leave - he then cut of all contact with her and has been loving and supportive and all, but after 11 months I am still in pain. I forgive him, but can't forget and don't know how to deal with the family get-togethers. She has been divorced from his nephew for over 15 years. She is not a good person - goes from man to man, relative in-law to relative-in law, drugs, doesn't work, etc. He knows what she is now and can't stand the thought of her or that he was so easily able to succumb to her, but that doesn't help me when she is still a part of the family. Everyone thinks I should be okay, as he is with me and I know he loves me and all, but he lied, he cheated, and dealing with the family part is more than I can take. Some days I feel I should just leave, but he says he will die a lonely old man without me and sobs from his soul. It is me, not him, now -- I don't know if I can take it all. How do you cope?

Lost and don't know what to do

If they are divorced why would she be at cousins' BD party?

Looks like u need closure. What's your H doing about that?

Best to call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling and a good recovery plan.

R U up to that? Have you read His needs/Her needs and SAA?

Hugz,
L.

SP

You posted on recovery and I answered you there. You now provide more details. Good. . .

So he is doing everything he can to make up for it - retribution, right? And it is the fact you see her at family reunions and functions that cause the emotions?

Sounds like you want her to be kicked out of the family and burned in effigy, right? So she was not married to nephew at the time. I got that.

You have come to the place for help. Of course none of us here are counselors. It may be that you will eventually decide to talk to one and I recommend the Harleys since they deliver so much in one hour. Yes, they charge an arm and a leg for that one hour, but from what I have seen, they get more done in an hour than some counselors do in ten hours. So it is wise money.

Hey SP, it seems that maybe your self respect was tied up in your marriage, as a guess. And you trusted your husband, right? And now you don't. He gutted you like a fish and you cannot get over it.

Everyone heals different. Trust me, as you read the stories on here, you will see examples of situations that are far, far worse than yours where the relationship was restored. With a willing husband, you can too, if you want.

Start reading. You are never going to solve your situation by exploring your mind or with self pity. You can drive yourself insane by focusing on what you have lost rather than on what you can do to move forward to a better vision of life than you had before. You husband gave in to temptation and his weaknesses. Now you know.

So what. Harley says that we all have those same weaknesses, yes all of us. Some give in and others do not. It just depends. Do buy and read, Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs, both by Harley. Read this web site. Read some of the posts on here that catch your eye and the answers. Ask questions. Read the answers.

There is help here if you are willing and able to accept it.

Larry

Her ex, that cousin, lives in Ohio - far away. It is my husbands other cousin (they both turn 50, even though my hubby is his uncle). They have been friends for years. She is part of the family, you see, she stayed here where the family lives and her daughters and grand-daughters will be at the party. I don't think she should attend, but she is brazen and will be. I think I need help too. I will take your advise and get some counseling cause it is becoming too much for me. I don't want to throw away all our loving, wonderful years together because of this one incident. I'll read the His needs Her needs also; just did the Q&A' so far. Thank you so much. I am usually the person writing to others to turn to each other, not away and hold each other tight and all; yesterday is gone; can't change it -look toward the future. But this situation is too difficult for me. Hugs and thanks - Monica

No, I don't want her kicked out of the family. In fact, I forgave her also; felt it best to do so. I texted her that "We are all human and put on earth to help each other, hope you are okay". Her answer to that was to ask my husband if he wanted a baby with her because she knows I've never been able to conceive. It is me with the problem, you see. I pretend the hurt and ache isn't there, but it is. Know he, my hubby, is a good, good man who loves me dearly. Could it be my ego getting in the way. You know, how dare he lie to me after I've been so trusting and faithful and all. I get mad at myself for getting these feeling when all he does is treat me good. I try to hide the feelings from him because he already feels so bad about it all and it has been 11 months. Thank you for listening and your advise. I can't afford the doctor right now, but will do more reading. Larry, you get right to the essence, don't you. Take care and here is a hug -

SP


You forgive her? Do what? Heck lady, I would pull her out of the car and kick her [censored] into next week. What a low life thing to say to someone!

Start reading. Keep reading. Get the books. Are you too old to adopt? I am confused about your age.

Larry

I WILL REPEAT LOUDER THIS TIME...NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. IS THERE ANYTHING VAGUE ABOUT THAT??? THERE NEEDS TO BE ZERO, ZIPPO, NADA CONTACT. THAT INCLUDES FAMILY FUNCTIONS AND EVERYTHING ELSE....NOT ONE SINGLE SOLITARY EXCEPTION.

Larry reiterates my sentiments exactly. The OW regardless if she is a relative or not, needs to be exposed. If she is that brazen to you, what makes you think she isn't doing this to others?

This isn't about you, it is about staying away from the OW. The family ought to be put on warning about this vixen.

Yea, even her children should know what their mother does in her spare time. Sad and hard t/d but best they know so they c/b protected. I'd expect this vixen may also hit on her children's own spouses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

And she will have HIS baby????? What a B. What a SNAKE. She is putting you down with an offer of having his baby. Please DO NOT think that she is being nice!

I agree with Larry, and Medc. Do NOT allow any contact with your H at all. She is poison.

Had to laugh at the 'kicking her [censored]' thing. I sure felt like it. I am 54 years old, will be 55 in August of this year. Hate to say age cause I still feel so young and people think I'm more like 35-40, not that age matters much. The family knows how she is. She left her own daughters alone for days, weeks, months so she could party with other men and do drugs, when they were young and while she was married. Her own family (her side) will have nothing to do with her. She has gone out with every cousin-in-law or uncle-in-law in my hubbys side of the family. You see, he knew nothing of her character or actions as we lived in CA for 30 years and he only remembered her as she was when they were young. Her children were raised by their dad and grandmother as she preferred to party rather than take care of them.

My hubby feels like a fool for falling for her 'pity stories' and insists he was trying to help out an old friend and it led to the one night affair while he comforted her. Said she had a broken lip from her druggie ex-husband (not the cousin but her send marriage) and she told my hubby she feared for her life. It was just a ploy to take him away from me so he could support her. Hubby told me that when she offered the child it upset him; that he told her the only person he would ever consider having a child with was with me and I couldn't have any.

Unless we move away, I don't see how I cannot have contact with his family. I've tried talking to him about it and he doesn't see any reason to punish his family for his actions; that they all know what she is like. They do know about the affair and it didn't surprise any of them; except they thought he might lose me. They've all told me that he never loved anyone else in his life but me.

So....guess I'll have to work on myself in inter-acting with the family, as hubby will never agree to cut all ties with them. He doesn't see it as a problem.

Thank you all for your thoughts and advise. I will heed all I am able to. Perhaps I can learn to be 'above it all' and go forward. You are all the best! Luv, from my heart to you -

umm, if his family loves you and your husband so much, they need to 'man up' and tell her to stay away from their family.

If she is not related to any of them, there is no reason why she should be included in family matters.

His family loves you so much they invite this brazen hussie to the same events? I'm sorry, but I don't get that! Your husband and his family need to understand that if they won't protect you, that you'll protect yourself. You can't control what they do, what your spouse does....but by golly....you don't have to go to these events until they love you enough to stop inviting her. And if your husband goes without you....you can't control that either....but you'll know how serious he is about wanting to be married to you. No one should be expected to tolerate a woman who has done the things she has.

When something is intolerable....don't tolerate it. Create a boundary that protects you. In this case....family gatherings are not big for both of you (and she's not even family!! eek!) Again, you can't control the invitation list....but you can rsvp "Not just no....not in this lifetime". Don't wait for them to grow a backbone....grow your own!!

You can do it chere!!

Starfish you are so right. Here I've been trying to please everyone else but myself. I know I need to protect me and I will refuse to go to any gathering she may be a part of. I know if I refuse to go, so will hubby. He may get upset, but I will do my best to see that he understands the pain it causes me and hurts our relationship. It was so simple an answer and it took my writing in this space to have someone tell me it. Thank you so very much.

It finally sunk in, thank you. I have the choice of attending any function or not. I will chose to stay away if the family insists she be a part of it. No contact from me or my hubby. I usually give in, but this time I am putting my foot down, for my sanity and our marriage. Thank you so much.

Letter to ALL family members from FWH:

I want to inform you that because of my indiscretion and adulterous affair with ________ (niece in law), my wife nor myself can attend any family events that she will also asked or invited to attend. This is not be mean or vindictive but instead is a precautionary and honors my wife by not placing her in the disrespectful position of being near my former affair partner. I hope you all understand my position in this matter. I do wish to see and fewllowship with you all in the future, I just cannot do it if ____________ will be involved. Thank you.

I like the idea of having the husband do the "regrets" to the invitations to the family functions.

He needs to protect snaggle on this front.

NO WAY should she have to attend anything this wh*re attends. That's like having her nose rubbed in it.

Snaggle - do what Nancy Reagan said, "JUST SAY NO".

You can graciously decline any invitation, girl. But hopeandpray has a great idea - let your hubby do the declining - verbal or written.

It's his situation to clean up, not yours. He needs to mop this mess up. And since they love you, and given her history, my guess is they will probably jump at the chance to "uninvite" HER!

SB

Snaggle - if you have to move away to establish NC, MOVE AWAY