I love, love, love the message and contract. Believe it is time to have him take the upper hand and responsibility of dealing with his family, and be supportive of my feelings. Thank you so much. Now, I have a real test of trust coming up. Will be gone out of town for one week starting Monday, on business. Two weeks from that time will be gone another week and then in a month or so another trip to Chicago. All business related. It is at these times that the doubts pop up. I attempt to not dwell on them, but you all know how that goes. Guess what makes me so angry is I refused to get married because I never, ever wanted this type of situation; took him 6.5 years to get me to agree. I never wanted to be the doubting, fearful, untrusting, questioning wife and now, at times, find myself exactly in that position. I hate what the affair did to me. I was 'charmed' believed everything he said, never doubted his words or actions, and now, these doubts and fears pop up when you least expect it. How are you dealing with it all? Does it get much better, in time? I do dwell on the positive and look to the future. I love this man so much and he vows he will never, ever do such a thing again; tells me I never have to worry about it ever again. But he lied so easily before, without a second beat. What tools do you use to go on, with trust. Thank you all so much for your input, I will be supportive of everyone. I am really a very positive person and hate the negativity all this has brought into my life. Appreciate your way of dealing with it all. Thank you much Luv - hugs [color:"blue"] [/color]

Monica, you ARE kidding, aren't you? You want to leave a poisonous, deadly, destructive copperhead slithering around the family as if no one cares and no one gets hurt when she sinks her fangs into someone?




This is, imho, the problem with "easy forgiveness." Forgiveness is "granted" (from a biblical perspective) when the sinner repents of their sin and SEEKS your forgiveness. Giving "forgiveness" without it is merely, again in my humble opinion, merely another form of enablement of their "lifestyle." Think about this, would also forgive an unrepentant person who raped you on the basis of "In fact, I forgave her also; felt it best to do so. I texted her that "We are all human and put on earth to help each other, hope you are okay"?




And this is the person you want to forgive? EXPOSE this snake to everyone in the family. It is time to END this person's involvement in "family gatherings," or END the participation of you and your husband, especially if the family thinks her adultery and her mean-spiritedness toward you in her text message is "okay."

"Treat her as a tax collector."




Absolutely NOT. "Forsaking ALL others and keeping myself only unto you, until death do us part."

It's a VOW both husband and wife make and has nothing to do with your "ego."

It's going to take a LONG time to recover from this. A moment to become an adulterer, YEARS to recover. This is a "different" sort of sin, and the Scripture warns us mightily against this sort of thing. The hurt, pain, and damage is SO huge that it is the ONE reason God gives believers to DIVORCE, and God hates divorce.

Do NOT put your husband's extremely poor CHOICE to commit adultery on yourself. He owns it 100%.

If your husband is considering going anywhere near this woman, and I don't care if it's a "family gathering," then it's time for you to consider a separation and possibly even a divorce. A "good man" will do WHATEVER is necessary to help you heal, SHOW true repentance of his sin, and try to rebuild the TRUST that he has completely and totally destroyed.

Grrrr....

YOU are NOT the "problem" here!

God bless.

(((((Monica))))) a hug from a "geezer" who turns 56 this month who also had to face the monster of adultery.

Thank you very much for your words. It has helped me put it all in prospective. I am always the one who is trying to 'do the right thing'; you know, fix the problems and all. I was feeling guilty because I have these feelings of downright hatred toward her. I don't want to hate anyone and it was my hubbys fault also. I am beginning to understand that it will take years to get over, if ever and don't know if I have the strength in me to handle that. I love him, but he took our marriage vows and threw them away. I do want it to work as I love him, but not as I did when he was faithful; he is not the man I married anymore. I will do my best to get over this. There is nothing more he can do on his end. He just doesn't want to think about it and wants us to start anew. I smile through the tears and the ache in my soul but don't know if I will ever be happy again. How did you handle your affair problem? Are you okay? I want hope and I pray to God to guide me and give me the strength each day. He has so far. Take care -

This is a typical response from Wayward Spouses. It's rubbish. There is a LOT he can do and SHOULD be doing. Now that they have been caught and now that they have "decided" that they will stay with you ("lucky you") they just want to forget what they did and you are just supposed to "get over it."

Forget it. It does not work that way. This was no "oops, I broke your favorite coffee cup" sort of "mistake." It was no "accident," it was deliberate and willful. He ENDED the marriage when he chose adultery. The marriage "that was" is over. YOU are in control of recovery, not him. HE was in control of the affair, but whether or not you stay married to him and work to build a newer, better, marriage is up to you. If he doesn't want to "participate" in what YOU need to heal from HIS nuclear attack on you....."there's the door, don't let it smack you too hard on your rump as you finish exiting this marriage."

I know, it sounds sort of "tough." Well, guess what? Recovery from adultery is NOT for the faint of heart or for avoidance of conflict because it makes you "uncomfortable."

Ever stare up from the bottom of a seemingly bottomless pit of emotional carnage? I have. All Betrayed Spouses have. Climbing out of that pit is no easy task and takes a lot of time. That's precisely why the AVERAGE recovery timeframe is 2 years. Mine took 4 years. Commitment and endurance, coupled with forgiveness and meeting the needs of the spouse, not self, are keys to "making it." Trust will come again, but only as it is earned over time. Triggers will happen to you for a long time, and they can be intense, especially early in recovery. But over time, they too will lessen in intensity.

For me, and it might not apply to you, recovery would have been virtually impossible without God. As long as your husband remains "me focused," as in HE just wants to forget the past and YOU have to just get over it, recovery will likely be impossible. Oh, you may continue to choose to live together, but it won't be as a loving, caring, marriage. It will be more like a "business arrangement."

You both need to be talking about the "why's" of his affair, reading everything you can get your hands on regarding affairs and surviving them. Here are two books to start with if you don't already have them: Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder and Suriving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley.

You both need to understand some basic things, such as Emotional Needs. Read about them here on this site. In addition, I STRONGLY suggest Joint Marital Counseling with a counselor who is trained and committed to saving marriages.

God bless.