I have been married for almost 11 years. My marriage has been an apathetic one at best. We got married when I had just turned 20, I never thought that a man would actually love and care for me so I married the first person who made any sort of attempt at affection toward me. My husband is an emotionally repressed sort of man (comes from his parents). About 5 years ago I had an affair and I talked to my husband about it right after it had happened. He forgave me (I think) and then never talked about it ever again. I found out that I was pregnant after the affair and went through silence about the situation during and after the preganancy. I have been so unhappy inside for a long time. We have seen a councillor for a few months but I feel like it is going nowhere. I don't feel like I have ever been connected with my husband, just comfortable. I would like to get a divorce, but I am afraid of all the consequences that will come with it. My mother lives with us since my father just died and I have a 4 & 6 year old.

Hi DorothyDawn,

Welcome to Marriage Builders (MB).

Incidentally,is the child you mentioned from the affair? Does your husband know or was there a DNA test done?

I can appreciate that you are unhappy inside.Many times though it is because of our own failings and lack of happiness in life that we transfer onto other's.That is one big reason why people have affairs: they are unhappy people who think getting involved with someone else is the solution.It may be temporarily but the same issues will always be there inside until you figure them out and decide how to handle them appropriately.No other person or situation can solve that for you.Wherever you go,there you are....

Plus,you have children to think about and divorce is devastating to them and along with it all the consequences,as you stated,that will come along with it
(i.e.financial).

Have you ever tried individual counseling? It's great to work on your marriage but it's also just as important,if not more so,to work on you,as a woman.Not wife,mother,caretaker.

How does your husband feel about the counselor? It may be that this person isn't right for you.Just a thought.

Probably, the emotionally reserved man you married felt right at the time, in other words, he was in your comfort zone. Now, your comfort zone has grown and you want more.

But that doesn’t mean he can’t provide more, with time and a little effort. I think there’s hope for you because you see your marriage as “comfortable” even if you don’t feel that “connection.” Most people here would kill to have a “comfortable” marriage. LOL.

Have you read the 5 Languages of Love? That book is supposed to be really good. My girlfriend told me about it. Apparantly, we may use different ways to express our feelings. Like words/talking, doing stuff for the other person, gifts, etc. It’s a lot like emotional needs. But, just being aware can help. I like words, I express my love through words, but my boyfriend really likes gifts and doing stuff. He likes hearing me say “I love you” but when I really want him to feel loved, I do stuff. I make a planter, or I cook a great dinner and don’t let him help. Meanwhile, I remember to interpret his actions as expressions of care.

If you have a 4 and 6 year old plus your mother, chances are you have very little opportunity to forge a connection with your husband. Do you all have date night? That is a must.

What emotional needs does he have? What are your emotional needs? Can you two work on them together with the MC? Do you need a new marriage counselor?

One approach that can work when a relationship hasn’t disintegrated, is to fake it until you make it. Date night feels awkward at first, do does showing affection, so does conversation if you have to map out some topics. But, eventually stuff starts to click.

“Talking” marriage counseling can be good, but sometimes the change isn’t immediate enough. A more behavioral approach may jump start change.

Oh, and you should read Dr. Harley’s Surviving An Affair. Sounds like you two have simply shelved the issue, not really survived it.