Can anyone help this MB'er ?

She emailed my wife and I for help, but her situation lies way outside my experience to help. She's having trouble logging onto MB.

I'll write what she sent me :




Thanks all

Hi Bob,

Fancy seeing you up here on the D board <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway,I have a similar situation going on with my exWH that has just transpired over the last 2,maybe 3 months now.I did not go back and read your friend's other posts though.

First of all,I think your friend should just go on living and making a good life for herself and not wait around for her ex to come back,so to speak.It happens a lot I think where the whole A set up starts to crumble a bit,might not look as terrififc as it is in the beggining so the WS starts to act differently and show some signs to us BS's that things aren't so great.That in turn gets us to wondering and we start putting our lives on hold as if something might happen between the FWS and the BS.We take these little tidbits and clues and formulate a futuristic plan of ....what if,again.

I think if an exWS and a BS want to try again one day and really work on what it takes to make a great relationship/marriage,together,that is fine.But IMO you always have to be cautious about the reason for returning,naturally.IMO I don't think many ExWS's really ever do the work necessary to figure out why they decided to cheat and how to move forward into a more respectful,loving,protective and nurturing relationship as we BS's do.And sometimes we read way too much into the little idiosyncracies the ex's do thinking it may be directed toward us.

In my mind,if a FWS/EXws wants to come back and try then they are the ones responsible for making that move.

Back to my own situation: lately my exWH has been wanting to spend more time together,as a family,and do things under the premise of it being good for the family,etc.On the one hand,I do agree.I have reached a point in my life only the past couple of months where I truly NOW feel like I have forgiven my ex.I never really felt this way before.It just happened finally (after much interior work mind you).I even don't care one iota about the OW anymore.I hope she goes on her merry way and gets some respect one day but she's a non entity,a person whose poor choices and bad behavior doesn't affect me anymore.In fact,it's been quite some time since she has even been around my kids,which I thought weird.

Also,my ex,when he is around me,touches me a lot,little brushes on the shoulder,touch of the hand,arm around me when walking out,etc.He wants to come back and "help around the house" here and there,etc.Strange behavior that makes me wonder.Do I want him back? No.But,I can say,after all these years that it makes me laugh.Really laugh,that I can be in this position,feeling so good about everything,that I can laugh about it.The pain is gone.Sure I have a rare/occasional wistfulness.But I know my ex can't hurt me anymore.I have built my coat of armor on so I feel like yes,now I can do family things with all of us and be absolutely fine.And the kids really seem to be so happy and that matters a great deal.

I definitely feel that things are very different with my ex and his OW.I am not saying they are not together but I do know they aren't physically as much anymore based on circumstances he's going through.So things in adultery land aren't all they were cracked up to be.But,I don't care.I am free to explore what all this means on my terms,with my comfort level and for the benfit of my kids.A few months ago,I couldn't STAND to be around my ex.I loathed it.Now,it's so weird.I feel absolutely fine.My shields are up and so I feel protected and safe.

So,I would encourage your friend to set the limits of her interaction with her ex as SHE sees fit and to what her comfort level is,if any.Tell her to be relaxed about it all.If anything is meant to happen,she can allow it to happen if she wants and explore it on her own time frame.There's no rush or agenda right? It could be that her ex is just now experiencing a shift in his thought patterns.And also tell her NOT to read too much into anything at this point.She could set herself up for pain and disappointment if she is expecting certain things.I am glad she's not pining away.That is good.Hopefully,like me,she can be strong enough to just see where all this goes and take from it what she wants.No expectations.Freedom to give in or walk away.

Sorry this was so long winded but I hope this helps in some way.

Well, there are two possibilities. The first is that your friend is reading into the situation. Her ex may have called his now girlfriend, the other person, but consider the context. His ex wife has just brought up a very sentimental memory. If he says he’s taking Suzy Q to see the band, it will hurt his ex, and it may not have occurred to him to just say “No, I don’t think we’ll make it to that show.” And asking what she’s doing over Memorial Day may have been polite conversation.

The other explanation is that the man is playing her. He does want both of them, and won’t make a commitment either way. After all the pain he’s caused, I think that’s horrible. There comes a point when if one cares at all about another human, you don’t keep stringing them along.

I also wouldn’t trust a man who divorces his wife to be with the OW, then decides the OW is not for him but he wants his ex-wife again without spending any time alone. What if neither of them are what he wants? He’ll go back to his ex-wife until something else looks better. This is after the divorce, remember.

At the very least, every WS has to ask the question “What did this person offer me that was lacking in my marriage, and how can my spouse and I get that element into our marriage?” Because all the resolve to never again commit infidelity won’t fill the gap, that element that the OP provided will still be lacking.

So, my personal opinion is I suggest your friend start limiting her contact with her ex, so that she can get over him. At this point, he shouldn’t be taking up so much of her energy.
JMHO

Hi Bob,

Fancy seeing you up here on the D board

Hello AB ! Pleased to make your acquaintance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Many thanks to you and GG for you your help here. I have emailed this person D_B to let them know she has help here.


* Its actually kind of spooky to come here. Last time I did I believed it would be my next stop and was learning about D. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Amazing to see how UPBEAT some of the posts are though. Personal recovery is about SO much more than staying married <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again.