Very brief info about my story: in love with H's brother; have every reason to believe he has been attracted to me from the beginning; don't know what his feelings are; nothing physical has happened, other than mild to not-so-mild flirting.

H and I have had problems before in our M.
I do not think H knows how I feel about his brother. I suspect he knows his brother likes/is attracted to me.
H and I have decided to give M another go.
Will try to focus.
BIL is always paying compliments to me, trying to joke with me, trying to meet my eyes, etc.

Removing BIL or myself from the picture is impossible; this fact CANNOT be changed for reasons outside my control.

I do believe talking openly to H about this (me being in love with BIL; BIL possibly reciprocitating) will, at this stage, do more harm than good.

From those of you who do not advocate me talking to H about this I wold like to know: is there a tactful manner to tell BIL to please stop flirting with me becase every time he does the situation becomes a bit more unsustainable for me since I feel like flunging myself into my BIL's arms and make mad love to him, which makes me feel devastated at my own lack of morality and really want to die? How can I tell him to stop it because it is hurting me very very much, without hurting him in turn?

I need a sensible, tactful, kind approach not a nuclear war approach and would very much welcome your ideas.

bb,

You have so many wayward foggy statements in your post, that I'm not sure you're ready for help. Here's what I mean:


My guess is that he can't imagine that the two people he trusts most in the world would betray him.


What ongoing problems (since your H doesnt know about his brother) have been plaguing your marriage?


It sounds really kinda romantic....this is what I mean by foggy. When he's paying attention to you, you romanticize his attention rather than looking at the incredible devastation that such an attraction would cause. This isn't a love story....it's a tragedy waiting to happen, and without honesty for you husband and no contact with his brother....you're feeding the affair and not the marriage.

No chere....there is not a COMFORTABLE way. There is not a way that won't create huge upheaval and pain. There is not a way that won't expose you to some hardship. Where there is a will, there is a way.



That's just another foggy statement. It's not the honesty that's doing the harm here....it's the secrets and lies.


Here on MB? Unlikely to find anybody here who advocate DIShonesty....and those who do....will be new, experienced, or just as foggy.


You can't.

This should NOT be done in a way that protects either of you from your own temptation towards immorality. If you make it easy....you'll just make it easy to take the next step. It should quick, clear, and iron clad. Worry about your husband's feelings, more than your BIL's feelings.

The wayward spouses I've seen who "let the OP down easily" are the ones who really didn't want to end it and wanted the door still open in case their marriage failed.

The dynamic that creates.....is that they just don't re-invest in their marriage because failure is a way to capture the fantasy that things might work out with the affair.

You can’t be “tactful” or “kind” with this sort of thing, you need to be very straight and direct with your BIL otherwise he will not get the message. Tell him: ”BIL, please stop flirting with me. I feel very uncomfortable with it because it’s inappropriate and very disrespectful towards me, your brother and our M.”

First of all, there isn't a person here that would advocate you not telling your H. I would discuss with you H about what to tell your BIL, but it would be along the lines of "I'm married to your brother and this flirting is inappropriate and must stop today. I've promised my H to tell him if it continues." Also, do not leave yourself alone with your BIL.

Oh, and by the way Bubblebath: You should inform your H. One of the steps to help A-proof a M and prevent you from acting on temptations is to share those temptations and attractions with your spouse. Also, part of Marriage Building is complete honesty and openess with your spouse.

bb,

I wanted to add....You have come to a place where most of us have been lied to and betrayed....and your asking for help and support to keep lying to your husband, and be kind to your affair partner. Afterwards, you ask for kindness.....but are you really blind to how insensitive what you're asking really is for most of us? We can't help you do these things. Our empathy is with your husband who's wife is considering jumping into the arms of his brother. OMG....please please don't do this....it will destroy the lives of some many people. Even if your marriage doesn't work....you can't have his brother.

Gotta go with everyone else here too.

It will NEVER be a good time to tell your H about what's going on. There will NEVER be an 'easy way' to break this to him. Stop looking for the easy way out here...it doesn't exist.

You need to recognize that what you're doing is WRONG. If you want to fix the situation, you need to take two (maybe three) steps...and there really isn't more than one way to fix the problem.

FIRST...you need to tell your H about the flirting, and the TRUTH about how its making you feel. He's going to be HURT, ANGRY, etc... he's likely to be more devestated than you'll think is possible. But, if you want to 'make it easier'...tell him the truth. Tell your H that you love him, that you're sorry for letting things get as out of control as they have, and that you need his help in fixing the situation.

SECOND...you AND your husband should confront BIL. Make it clear that you've told your H EVERYTHING (and you need to before this point, or your BIL may very likely try to hurt you both by telling things that you may have tried to keep secret). Make it clear that the flirting, EVERYTHING has to end NOW. Ask your H to be part of this, so that your BIL sees a united front working together.

THIRD...if OM is married, you and your H need to talk with his wife as well.

This is going to be HORRIBLE for you, make no mistake. You're going to have to be honest about all those feelings you've been hiding...NO MORE SECRETS!!!

But it will build the foundation for an insanely better marriage for you and your H if you both work together to solve the problem.

Anything less than this is going to prolong the agony and misery, and pretty much garauntee the end of your marriage. You've made some major mistakes in how you've dealt with your BIL AND your H up to this point...now its time to 'adult up' and fix the situation.

You won't want to think so, but this is really the BEST way to solve your problem. You're going to think of all kinds of reasons why this is a bad idea, but those 'reasons' are going to turn out to be nothing more than you trying to rationalize not doing the right thing here...it'll be you wanting to find a way to avoid all the ugliness and pain that will come out here. BUT...that was all unavoidable when you and BIL began behaving inappropriately from the very beginning. Now all you can do is make it right, and fix the damage to your family and your marriage.

Bubbles:


I already told you what happened to me. Your problem is that your feelings are not exposed to the light of day and exist only in secrecy, where they can fester. If my wife had been HONEST with me, none of my personal tragedy would have happened.

You BIL likes to tease you. Unless he is a complete critter, he probably has no idea how close you are to exploding. Even if he is a complete no honor male critter, you do not want to be the one who allowed the family to explode, do you? It doesn't matter if you stay with your husband or not, your BIL is OFF LIMITS.

You are from another country. You can always fall back on that, by saying to your husband, "Your brother teases me and makes me uncomfortable. I am going to tell him to stop it so you won't have to deal with it." Then tell your BIL to stop it and mean it when you say it.

Play with fire, you get burned. Been there, seen it with my own eyes. Still live with the consequences of a dishonest wife and a cretin for a relative. It took courage for you to come to this country. So I know you have courage. Exercies that courage and do the right thing.

Larry

In Shakespeare's day marrying one's brother-in-law was considered incest-and in a way that is true. When you married your H, his brother became your brother, through law.

Shakespeare wrote a little play about it that a lot of us had to read in high school-called Hamlet. Things didn't end well for all involved.

I agree with everyone here-you need to tell your H. You should also read the links about Dr. Harley's basic concepts, Emotional Needs, and how affairs start. Those might help you understand the danger you are putting your M in by entertaining this infatuation with your husband's brother. It may be hard to do, but I am sure that if you don't, the damage to your M and your family will be much worse. Please stop this now.

You don't need to inflict this kind of pain on your H, your BIL and the rest of the family.

Bubble Bath. If you really want to work on making your M better you have to say something to your H. I was in a sitch something like your not to long ago where I was attracted to someone and he me and I knew it was because I wasn't getting what I needed at home. That's what kept me from acting on what I felt and made me seek out help before I did something to hurt all the people I care about. ]

I know you know what you must dom because you keep getting the same answers what is keeping you from doing what it takes to save your M? You are at a crossroad now. You can either take the road that leads to redemption and a happy M or the road to destruction that will hurt all in it's wake. It's up to you. I know from experience that once your H know of your feelings he will do what it takes to keep you and you will have the M you want. I also know had I been a coward and not opened my mouth I would be in a real bad way right now. Eaten up with guilt for hurting all the people I care about.

However for you I think the real question should be why are you being self destructive? Why even consider doing something that will make you feel like a horrible person instead of going to the man you built a life with and tell him I know I haven't been the best W I could be and I know it's the reason that you are not being the H I need you to be and because of that I find myself being attracted to someone that could cause you and our family both a lot of pain if I acted on what I am feeling. I need your help and I will do all I can to make this work but I want your word you will do the same because I have already caused you enough pain with my previous A. I don't want to do that to you or our kids again. I would like you to do these questionaires with me (the LB questionaire and EN Q'aire.) I think once we do them we can see how we are both contributing to the problems we are having and fix them so we can have the M of our dreams. I know it won;t be easy but I am willing to try because I love you and I know you feel the same.

I am sure if you talk to you H like this it will not be as bad as you think and it will lead you down the road to redemption. And the M you are looking for.

I remember before you said that you knew you BIL before you were M'ed. If you think you choose wrong now why did you choose your H back then instead of him? Just think about that whenever you romantize your feelings.

Bubblebath wrote:"Removing BIL or myself from the picture is impossible; this fact CANNOT be changed for reasons outside my control."

You tell your husband what you and brother-in-law have done, and your husband will deal with him and the logistics.

If you want him to then deal with you in a marriage positive manner, I suggest that you immediately arrange for some counseling with the founders of this website.

Gimble

Thank you all.
What is keeping me from talking to H about this is not exactly cowardice. I was the one to broach the subject with previous (and only) A. H suspected something was wrong but did not have a clue. It caused him so much pain to know that I realised complete honesty can be just another very selfish, wantonly mean way of unburdening your soul .
What is keeping me from talking to H about this is that I am hoping I will manage to deal with this alone somehow minimizing damage.
Also, what is keeping me is the fact that right now H and his brother have a very good relation; I do not wish to be the woman that kills a blood relation between brothers.
Mostly, I am just desperately trying to buy time.

DIG, I did not marry my BIL back then because he was already married. If he had not been married already (and with very small children) I do believe he would have stolen little bro's brand new girlfriend from him.

BB

The other downside of telling your husband is that it could destroy this affair you have with his brother. We certainly wouldn't want to risk that now would we?



Yes you are - to keep the A alive as long as possible.

Bubblebath, in this case, telling your H will be about much, much more than just “unburdening your soul”. Telling him will also help you from not acting on the attraction and temptation and give your H the opportunity to help protect you from this...and telling your H will also protect him and your M from this danger. Your H and your M is the most important to you right? Please don’t rely on your own strength to overcome this Bubblebath, you know how close you’re to self destruction and giving in to this temptation…you KNOW that. Rescue what you can and save yourself and all that is dear to you NOW…before it’s too late.

I think, at this point, that BB cares nothing for her H and will continue to try and justify her abhorant, selfish behavior...and claim to be the "victim."

Her ears are plugged with her fingers and she's going "blah,blah,blah...I can't hear you!!!"

BB... stop talking about your brother in law like you do... he would have stole his little sisters GF..
Frankly, it makes you sound rather trashy! You truly don't sound like someone with remorse over this situation.
The thing about not telling your H BB is that you still get to play this game... and it is obvious that you NEED to know if BIL will act on what you see to be his feelings. Keep on acting the way you are and soon, you too, will be a guest star on Jerry Springer!

BB, do you have any idea how silly, immature and narcissistic this sounds?

This is a real situation, with real people, real children, real lives and real pain looming on the horizon.

Grow up, before life grows you up in a way you won't enjoy.

TA

You will cause much greater damage by NOT telling him the truth. Your H is not a fool who needs to be protected from the truth by YOU. Illusions do not make people happy. He has a RIGHT to know the truth so he can protect himself. This is information about HIS LIFE to which he has a RIGHT to know. Tell the man the truth.

You are right. What's keeping you from telling your H is that you want your relationship with his brother to continue.


Honesty is not selfish and didn't cause him pain, YOUR AFFAIR WAS SELFISH AND CAUSED HIM PAIN!


If you want to minimize damage, you need to tell him sooner rather than later. Postponing telling him the truth will only make matters worse.


You AND your BIL are responsible. Your BIL is NOT the victim, your H is. He should put himself as far away from his brother as possible because his brother is in it for himself and will only hurt your H.


Sure you are. You want to get your fix as long as possible before you have to stop.


Well then your BIL is a POS who only cares about himself. All the more reason to avoid him.

BB, I believe that you will never tell your H, you'll F this up, and you'll have neither, be all alone by yourself, and your H and BIL will not speak to each other. You'll never be welcome in their family again. Is that what you want because you are heading down that path? I don't think you are strong enough to keep the trainwreck from happening. You are just an addict getting her fix, and it will take outside intervention to change the status quo.

JIM is right on BB. Are you going to listen?