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For any FWW's out there. My WW finally established NC, after a couple of lapses, about 4 weeks ago. She is now starting to come out of the worst of her withdrawal but has absolutely no feelings for me and describes her feelings to me as being empty or like a stranger. She cannot bear to kiss me and does not like me to touch her, SF is a complete no go area. After some good advice from the likes of BobPure* and BigKahuna, I am playing it cool, and being patient, just concentrating on Plan A with no pressure on WW.
My question is, how many of you experienced similar feelings after ending A, how long did it take for your feelings to start to return. Did they return gradually or was it just something that happened suddenly.
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Braeworth, I'm following your thread and I just want to say you receive great guidance and advice from Bob and BigK. Hang in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I never felt that I've lost all feelings for my H although I felt that "I loved him, but was not in love with him". This was not true but I believed it at the time because I was confused and in a fog. I did feel "numb" towards my H for a long time (this was also due to depression and anxiety at the time) but it was never so severe that I refused or was unable to receive and enjoy affection and SF from my H. The “numbness” disappeared gradually but I can’t remember the exact time frame.
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Thanks Suztet_. She still seems so distant, I am wondering if she will ever come back. I know this is starting to worry her as well.
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She still seems so distant, I am wondering if she will ever come back. She will Braeworth...I promise you...just give it time. Remember, 4 weeks of NC is still very, very early in withdrawl. Her being distant is normal. Both you and your W need to be patient. Please read the withdrawal guide in my signature and also give it to your W to read.
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Suzet_. Thanks again, patience never was one of my virtues but I am trying, this is eating mr up inside, although I am now trying not to show it, but I know it is now playing on WW's mind, as she mentioned it a couple of times over the weekend.
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She's trying to protect her indecision.
She has painfully brought you this far down the path of destruction, and she is loath to do anything that would give you any sense of hope.
She wants to remain frozen where she is.
Affection to you would mean taking a step back towards the marriage. She won't be ready to do that until she's sees her affair as a total dead-end.
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Lexxxy. I may be wrong, but i think she has accepted her affair is over.
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I know it is now playing on WW's mind, as she mentioned it a couple of times over the weekend. That's why I think it might help if your W can read the withdrawal thread too Braeworth. Do you think she will do that? If she will, it might help to give her insight so that she can remain hopeful and understand that what she's experiencing and feeling at the moment is normal... That she needs to give herself time and patience...AND that she can apply some guidelines to help her through this stage and to re-direct her energy towards you and the M.
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She did read your withdrawal guide early on in NC, I might try and get her to read it again.
I am just trying to find out how many FWW's experienced such extreme feelings to their H during withdrawal. I know BobPure* and BigKahuna have spoken about something similar.
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Another thing Braeworth - during early stages of withdrawal it's possible for the fog to slip back from time to time. The WS then often views the BS as the ‘meanie’ who prevents contact with the OP and resents the BS for the feelings of ‘loss’ (this was the same with me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />) This might be part of the reason your W acts so distant and cold towards you. I know this is SO unfair towards the BS because the BS (you) is the victim of your WS's infidelity and YOU have reason to feel resentful in stead...but remember, this is all foggy thinking and will pass too...
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Thanks again Suzet. It does feel as though she is punishing me for something
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Any other FWW's out there who could describe how they felt towards there husband once NC started. It is almost as though my WW is repulsed by me. There was never a problem before A or even while A was apparently going on
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braeworth I DO with you'd study MB and what folsk write you !!! This is COMMON. Squid LOATHED me. Was repelled by me. "OM was a better man in every way " she said. Read up and BELIEVE, and do not get distracted from your plan A. Almost all WS behave in that way. reposting my previous words to you : It is just the lack of feeling that is missing
'Morning mate
Your WW CAN'T "feel" for you now. There are a lot of reasons that you need to study and internalise else you're going to cave and beg and undo your good plan A.
She is actively suppressing thoughts of anything good about you and your marriage right now, and everything bad about OM and her affair.
Its how good people temporarily override their conscience in order to have and enjoy an affair.
If she acknowledges that you are not Godzilla with rabies , and that your marriages was not wholly the Burnma railway her logic has to agree that her affair was wrong, she was selfish and OH BOY is there a world of crap around because of it now. And it is ALL her fault. every drop. With apologies to the Godfather of soul: "its a brown, brown, brown, brown world".
If she believed that then it would mean she and OM were bad people, at least temporarily and that isn't a good place to be for her, coming down from her entitlement high. She's felt justified in taking EVERY NEW step past her old moral boundaries for a long while now.
This why Plan A is about you being the best spouse you can be, but ALSO to provide a hopeful, non judgmental place so she feels you won;t reject her even if she feels she deserves it.
This realisation of the truth WILL happen if she tsays in no contact with OM.
really.
MB Alumni
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BP*. I do listen and I am studying hard. I just wanted to get FWW's perspective on this.
Your help and my other thread has been invaluable and I think we are making progress, all be it a little slowly
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attaboy !.
You got "surving an affair" yet ? I can post you mine if you're having trouble.
You're right to ask folks, I was only concerned that you're hurting over something that is a common symptom of affairs.
I learned TONS from the WONDERFUL FWWs on here.
Sorry if I didn't make that clear.
You're doing just fine mate.
MB Alumni
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It is almost as though my WW is repulsed by me. There was never a problem before A or even while A was apparently going on Confusing isn't it. My wife could have said those exact words. When I discovered the affair it was like a switch was clicked. Changed in a moment of time.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Thanks Suztet_. She still seems so distant, I am wondering if she will ever come back. I know this is starting to worry her as well. My wife was worried about this too. Did you ever print out the infidelity FAQ's for her to read?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Saw the callout, thought I'd chime in.
This happened to me as well, I think it's very common, especially if the (F)WW thought she was in love with the OM, and he was her soulmate.
Also, depending on the state of your M prior the A, she may feel that she is taking a big risk in putting her heart out there to potentially be hurt or just as unhappy as she may have been (of course I don't know what your exact sitch is) prior the A. She may feel the the M might not be salvageable even with the A being over.
These are all normal feelings, and assuming you both continue to work on recovery, will pass. One day something will click and you'll see a glimpse of your W again.
She is lucky to have a spouse willing to work so hard to rebuild your M. Hang in there.
Me, 43, 2 online EA's 2006
DH, 45, 2DDs, 16 & 9
Married 23 years.
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BP*, BigK and Maz. Thanks for all your comments,it is very reassuring.
In answer to some of your questions, I have now got SAA and have read it once, and keep referring to bits of it. I have asked WW to read parts of it, particularly the letter from Sue where she describes how her feelings for H had gone for a while after the A, to try and put her mind at rest. I did give her the infidelty FAQ's but not sure she really read them. Sometimes she seems more receptive to reading things than others. I will try again.
Other than the lack of feelings, things are not too bad at the moment, she is still a little distant and I have the odd AO, although I am managing to control these a lot better
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I don;t think its agreat idea to ask your WW to read it yet.
IME Waywards hate being taught even more than they hate needy BS. They don't tlike to think their situations were so dull, predictable and not special at all.
What do others think here ?
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