I agree with Bob. Did I tell you this is a rollercoaster ride yet - for her as well as you. And initially your good days and hers are unlikely to be in sync.

I think my wife read those FAQ's at about 6 weeks NC. They blew the fog away and blew the scales from her eyes. Re-introduce them to her in a few weeks.

Be guarded Brae. Trust but verify. The affair may be ongoing just better hidden although she sounds to be coming along OK.

BP*, BigK. OK I will give it another couple of weeks before I try and get het to read again. I just thought the letter from Sue would help as I know she is worried about her lack of feelings.

Braeworth, I agree not to try and "educate" your W at this stage, but in the meantime, what you can do is let the book SAA lie around in the house where she might see it (maybe next to your bed). Hopefully when she's in one of her more "receptive" moods she will pick it up and read some of it.

Brae

It WILL help, but at the right time.

Affairs have a chemical effect on participants notjust an enotional one. Typically folks in affairs, or very soon afterward sare actually not realy capable of seeing reality as it is, any more than a junkie can see their habit as a monkey on their back.

This is one of the reasons whay no contact is very important, and why you can't expect much while the early period of withdrawl runs out.

Regarding her feelings for you, well Dr Harley as learned ove rmany year and hundreds of situation sthat if you make the right deposits in a persons lovebank they can hardly help but love you !

Thats why for NOW you should meet those ENs you know for sure, and then in time after withdrawal you may have the opportunity to the EN qustionnaires so you can really find out what makes her tick.

And no, I clearly didn't know like I thought I did after 18 years of marriage either <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She wouldn't really do the EN questionnaire when I asked her but she did agree to list her top 5. Her top two were conversation and affection, both of which are difficult to meet at the moment due to her distancing herself from me.
I am meeting the others(family commitment, domestic support and admiration) as much as I can

bRAE,

IT IS ACTUALLY A VERY GOOD PROGNOSIS IF SHE IS worried ABOUT THE FEELINGS NOT COMING BACK - SHE expects THEM TO COME BACK.

damn caps but I ain't typing it again!!

My wife actually decided she would have SF with me in an effort to bring them back. It was a gradual process and took some time but they did come back.

She did things IN SPITE of her feelings. Feelings FOLLOW action - but she has to lead.

I have mentioned briefly that actions create feelings but I think it is far to early for her to try anything such as SF at the moment

Stop teaching her Brae.

Your desperation to feel loved again is not helping recover you rmarriage. When I said lock up your taker I meant LOCK IT UP.

Bear in mind I have BEEN there. I know how hard it is.

But I also know what works.

Exercise your taker in other ways - go out with friends, take your kid to the match, watch a film (good luck finding one with no adultery in it).

BP*. I have locked up my taker, but I guesss I am trying to teach her and need to stop.
Any advice on how to meet her top 2 EN's when she is so distant, or should I just concentrate on meeting the other EN's I can do something about

BP*, BigK etc. Any thoughts on my previous post

Brae,

How did I meet my DH's EN for conversation when he was in withdrawal? I printed out a joke, put it on the dash of his car or his seat.

I did O&H drivebys in his presence.

Listen/repeat when he spoke.

Affection - isn't just physical...words of affirmation, appreciation, admiration - and yeah, this is tough because of the difficulty in conversation...still doable.

You already do the tough stuff...compliments (genuine), saying to your kids in front of her, "You're pretty, just like your mother" (or kind, or loving or...fill it in). Count it as affection through honesty.

Eye-contact can feel like affection. You've heard people say, "Oh, he gave me that look" and they physically shudder from rejection or delight...depending on the look.

Don't discount offerings...offering to rub her feet, back rubs...to listen, to hug or hold without an agenda...

She may not take you up on them right now...doesn't mean they are nothing...offerings matter.

When you do listen to her now, do you notice your body? Is your head bent towards her a bit, eye-contact and relaxed hands (to receive)? If you're aware of your interested body language, then when you are both present, and she's not sharing, you can still be in the posture to hear, to know...to listen. Tiny bits of conversation and affection right there...your readiness, willingness and presence.

O&H drivebys...statements of appreciation can meet both..."I noticed you did <blank> and I appreciate you for doing that"...include her meeting your ENs..."I appreciate you're here with us, right now." Don't repeat...be sure to share.

Hope this helps, Brae. You can do this.

LA

LA. Thanks for that, I was already doing a lot of that, just wondering if there was anything else I could be doing or if anything was getting through. The conversation is so hard at the moment, I keep trying to strike up a conversation but get very little response. Maybe I just listen for a while although she doesn't say a lot.

You have been getting great advice and I would add to it by doing what Bob & others here have advised.
For myself yes I had great swings of feelings for my H at that time. I even HATED with a big H for a while and as things began to move along, time and no contact from OM I moved to well I guess I am fond, to ILYBINILWY thingy, which wasn't too bad for him then because he was deployed and didn't even know I had affair at that time. All the hurt hit when he returned and I realised I DID love him and may now loose him over my actions. The months between my realisation and his return were pure agony.
So don't think her actions and reactions are strange or too different, its pretty normal being where you both are right now.
So keep on keeping on and listen to the people who have been in your shoes to a great extent, you are doing really well by the way.
All the best to you both.
AW

AW. Thanks for your comments, it is just nice to be reassured that this is normal.

I was thinking last night.
Before I received all the great advice i have been getting on here and before I knew what I really should be doing, I tried to get intimate with my wife and asked her on a couple of occassions to let me try and touch her in an SF way. Once I could tell she wasn't happy and stopped fairly quickly and the second time she asked me to stop after a couple of minutes. I now know that I should not have been doing this and have backed off completely. My question is whether anyone knows if this may lead to a long term problem or a mental block from WW which may become an aversion.

Many a WS don't want t/b 'unfaithful' to their OP. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

This often translates to the WS NOT wanting SF w/the BS.

Unfortunately a very common reaction.

Let her know your disgust. Then move away from the WS and let her know you are only interested in having SF with your W. That may make the WS in her jealous.

If you can imagine pitting the WS against your W. That internal struggle is a good thing but needs t/b tempered because Ws' tend t/d stupid things whilst in the fog.

This is NOT a reflection on you.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Orchid.
She has established NC, just over 4 weeks ago, and I understand now that this is quite a common reaction during withdrawal. I am willing to be patient, I am just worried I may have made matters worse and caused a mental block within her when I didn't understand what I was doing and did not understand MB's

IMHO, you didn't create a mental block.....WS' R A mental block. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Don't stay stuck on that issue. Move forward.

WS' generally can't see the things closest to them....what they can see is what is either out of reach or dangerously far away. This means if you stay close to a WS, she will NEVER want you. If you move forward, she will recognize you have moved forward and then it w/b up to her to decide to stay as a WS by herself or ask you to wait up while she makes changes to morph out of being a WS and into being the W you want and need. No promises....by action.

Hugz,
L.

Orchid. Thanks again.
As I have said in some of my previous posts, I know here lack of feelings for me is worrying her also. She is maintaining NC which is a start and I am now just concentrating on Plan A