Hi all, first post so please be gentle! I write like I talk. I'll hopefully learn to filter myself.
It's the usual story. I've been happily married for 20 years. WH has always had issues with communication and obviously, I've mistaken that silence to mean that all was well.

In February, while at an out of town meeting, one of his employees (she had worked for him ONE month) leaned over and told him she was going to have him. The next night he took her up on it. This is a man who has devoted his entire life to advancing his career. If he had been caught or if it came out now, he would not have a job. I'm blown away by the fact that he would risk it.
As the month progressed, they did the old "I need to talk to someone. I'm so unhappy" thing. I discovered the affair on March 2. That day, I asked him to leave. We finally agreed that he would stay. 20 years together and all that. We could work it out. He would end it. He didn't

April 1 her husband called. She had moved out. WH said he was shocked. Had no idea. Agreed to call her in front of me and end it. I told him then that I knew he could continue on if he chose and if that was the case when the phone bills came I would take my children and leave. We have always had around 3500 minutes a month of talk time between us. Suddenly he had 6000 min. and it was all her. He agrees with me. It's over.

To make a LONG story short, April 13 he was out of town again and I had a gut feeling that I wasn't getting the truth. So, I called the OW husband. Basically a "so what do you know?" Kind of talk. What he knew was that as early as March 7 (4 weeks after their first contact) he found a tm on her phone where WH told her he loved her too. And another where he told her not to be jealous of me. Things pretty much went downhill from there. I confronted him, he announced it was over. He wanted a divorce. From the beginning I've gotten all the crap. "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." It started that he had been unhappy a year. The length of time continues to grow. As of today it's been ten LONG years of misery for him.

So, OK. We're getting divorce. I get all the paper work together he agrees to an outrageous amount of CH/A. He's furious. We agree that we shouldn't divorce because of the health ins., so we are going to separate. He doesn't want to legally separate because he thinks it would be a waste of money. We had a couple weeks of ****** while I tried to talk him (or brow beat him) into seeing that he was making a huge mistake and starting over. All the time he's telling me he doesn't love this 24 you idiot and it's "just fun". He's tired of being tied down. Tired of the demands of fatherhood. Blah blah blah.
He would be gone in a minute if he could afford it. He's miserable in our house. But at the same time, he still sleeps in my bed. We still have sex.

I finally accept that it's not happening. We agree to this bizarre arrangement where he will spend 2-3 nights w/OW. The rest of the time he's here. I take on an attitude of "I don't care what you say or do, I'm gonna smile and go on" I have. Meanwhile, I've joined a gym, lost about 35 lbs. Changed my hair & clothes. Cleaned my house and taken on a new attitude. Of course he tells me if only he could be assured that I wouldn't change etc.
Now, we're best friends. Agree to daily (hour or so a day) phone time, once a week evening out and all weekend at my home so he can be with the children. He's considering moving in with OM. Not sure what he wants to do. He tells me that he hasn't seen anything in OW that he doesn’t like. She has a wonderful personality, doesn't irritate him like I do, etc. But, even though I'm such a train wreck, he still wants to be my best friend and intends to "fight for our relationship" If she doesn't like it, oh well. He'll move on. He tells her he about our "friendship" it goes over as well as you would expect. After a few days, he says she accepts it. He tells me that we can't have sex because that would be cheating on her. Several things like this come up. So, he is encouraging me to go out, meet people, date and get a life. Friday he took me out to dinner and I mentioned that OW had offered to take me out back in April. I obviously wasn't ready then, but thought I was now. Don't want to marry the guy, just get out of the house. (We have moved for WHs work. I'm 1000 miles away from all family & friends) WH agrees. Encourages me to go, says I should get out and that I need to get the first date "under my belt" He says her husband should do the same and this would be perfect. After dinner he tells me that he feels guilty when he & I are out together. I ask if he doesn't want to do these things or wants to, but feels guilty for it. He says, no. He wants to be with me, he just feels guilty about it. ummmmm, OK.

Stop!

Take a deep breath.

Slow down.

Ok, let's start with you going out with OWH - that would be a huge NO DO NOT DO IT!

You are allowing him to cake eat in a big way- you actually agreed to sharing him?

Have you read Surviving an Affair or His Needs Her Needs?

Have you exposed the affair to his HR dept and their supervisors?

Have you exposed to others who have an influence with him?

Please- call today for an appointment with Steve or Jennifer Harley.

cool, an open marriage. You have joined the insanity parade. Do you have children that have been dragged into this sicko Jerry Springer show?

You know- the whole sharing thing-
He informed me a few weeks ago that he would was going out. I didn't get it & finally he said "I'm spending the night at her house."
From that point on, he has came & gone. Stays are her house when her children are not there. I had obviously, expressed my displeasure but, after that he simply started not coming home & not calling.This left me with childrend asking where their dad was, was he coming home. He will not leave the house, so with the choice of never knowing if he was coming or going or knowing that on this particular day he wouldn't be home. I chose that. Obviously, ya'll don't approve. Apparently a mistake on my part. He says we should consider ourselves divorced and he intends to behave as though we are. We are roommates, nothing more.
The affair has been exposed to all except his employer. I considered it early on, but he pressured and I caved. I have a real problem standing up to him. (Obviously) It was my understanding that it was too late at this point. OW H has threatened repeatedly to do so and yesterday WH & I were talking about it. From the beginning OWH has said WH will have to testify in their case. I said her H had a few FOM lined up to testify on his behalf & wondered if WH wasn't concerned about this becoming public knowledge. (Not that I don't think it already is!)

He tells me outright that if her H in anyway contributes to the loss of his job he will kill him. No way around it. I have never heard him speak this way in 20 years of marriage. He has never been a violent person. I gently ask him to consider his contribution and take responsibility for the fact that he created the situation and if he lost his job it would be because of his actions, no one else’s. He tells me he accepts total responsibility for the fact that he will go to prison for the rest of his life if that SOB makes him lose his job. Sigh. Yikes. So you're saying it should be exposed even at this late date?

You need to expose this affair to your H's boss. And to your entire family (and his as well).

What's so late about this date? I don't understand...and what do you WANT out of this? Do you want to rebuild your marriage, or end it?

What does your husband do? Do they work together? If they work together, yes it should be exposed there. And, of course, he will make all manner of threats about it to prevent you from busting him. [kill the OWH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />] But you can see that he is none too concerned about it himself or he wouldn't be having a workplace affair.

By the way, I am in the process of reading SOA. Wish I had known about it a few months ago.
The affair has been exposed to all except his employer. I'm freaked about that because I know he will FLIP OUT. And, I gave up my job when we moved. I've had no choice but to stay home because he's gone so much & can't contribute alot to household things. So, his income is our sole income.
It was my understanding the if it was exposed fairly early into the affair, it didn't have any effect at all. It's only been 4 months but in that time they have gotten incredibly serious, really fast. Apparently they were in love and committed in less than a month. Is that normal?? She is considering changing companies so they can be together full time. He says he's not going to rule out that fact that he's making a huge mistake and maybe a year down the road he'll realize it & come crawling back. But, he carefully thinks out all decisions and he thought this one through before he acted. He's dead set on a divorce and that she is the right person for him. The only contact he wants with me is as my "best friend"
I ask Saturday if he had totally ruled out the prospect that he & I would ever come to a point where we could date. He said he thought that's what we were doing. Then he told me that he absolutely knew that if they ended their thing he wouldn't come back to the marriage.

I absolutly love this nutjob <grins> with all my heart. At the same time, I HATE what he is doing to us. I would like nothing better that to rebuild and have a life together. Now, can I go about this & include OW??? Ummmm, no.
I suppose I considered that fact that he has PA tendencies and openly admits that if I say "I don't want you to see her" he will go at it that much harder just for spite. They've got this "you and me against the world" thing going and I was just tired of being the bad guy. I felt like that by being more agreeable her true colors would show. And I was right in that respect. Yes, I realize it's idiotic. But, he's a really good talker & it's just he & I. I have no family or friends here. (Well, OK. He & I and OW) I just don't know where his head is now. I know it's stupid to even try & figure it out.

You do understand that you will be losing that income when he divorces you? He can get another job if he loses this one, can you replace him that easily when he divorces you becuase his affair has evolved?

Of course he will FLIP OUT if you interfere with his affair and expose him at work. Would you expect otherwise?

MB will work well for you. Short Plan A. Quick Plan B.

The only reason he hasn't divorced you is MONEY.
So hit him where it hurts.

I would file for separation. Get him OUT of the house. Make him start paying child support and alimony. PRONTO.

I would PLAN B him very quickly.

Bizy, the biggest problems I see in your dilemma are:

1. no exposure at work

2. an implied ENDORSEMENT of his affair which only feeds his FOG and enables the affair

3. a lack of focus on the things that are 'irritating" him

4. allowing his fogged out mentality to run the show

I would suggest focusing on those 3 things and doing the best Plan A you can for the next 3-4 weeks. Read about Plan A and Plan B and educate yourself in preparation for Plan B. I would then plan on going into Plan B in a few weeks. Dealing with this as long as you have is DANGEROUS to the mental health of a woman, bizy. Dr. Harley recommends Plan A no longer than 3 months. Extending that leads to nervous breakdowns and years of post traumatic stress disorder.

That is the route I would take if I were you, bizy.

Another good exposure target would be the OW's PARENTS.

Can you send the OWH here? If you were both working on the same strategic plan, you might be able to kill this affair.

He is a DM for a retail company. Travels within a few hours of our home daily. Isn't tied to one particular location. This has allowed lots of freedom to carry out the A!
She is one of his managers and the A is a major No NO with the company. Actually, it was rumored another DM snuck into an employees room at least year's conf. My WH was blown away by the stupidity of it. "I can't believe he would risk his job. What an DA. If you insist on being that kind of person, there are lots of chances to do it outside your work" And here we are a year later in that same position. I think his ego got the best of him, but that's still no excuse.
Yes, that's exactly what I've said all along. If you weren't ready to accept responsiblity, you shouldn't be doing it. The thing is he is so arrogant I think he believes he can "gut it out". He steadfastly insists that none of her employees have any idea. I say, "really, even though you are calling her many times a day and they answer the phones?" He says "NO, they don't know my voice."
I ask about all the times he goes to her store, he says they are really good at hiding their feelings. I told him if he was that good at it I wouldn't know either.

I call BullS*it on this one. I would expose at his employer and have OW's BH expose her at the same time at the employer. Personally I would tell OW's BH what that fogged out WS of your's threatened. I wish my ex WW's OM had said something this stupid to me so that I could have seen just how big his b*lls were when I am standing in front of him. Something tells me OW's BH is not afraid of your fogged WH.

Yeah, come to find out OW BH is a really interesting guy. They live in a different world. He drives around with guns in his truck. Has already threatened to shoot my WH. He's been through all this before. This ain't her first rodeo, so to speak.
As far as exposing to her family, he has but they don't care. Her mom left her dad 5 years ago for a man she met on the internet. Her GMA has been married 4 times. Infidelity is a pretty common thing in her little world. They are lovely people and I'm thrilled that she has such a "brilliant personality" and can take a business that was "a morgue" and turn it in to a "happy, rockin' place" I suppose that makes it all worth while! (Forgive my sarcasm)

I am working REALLY hard on the "things that irritate him" I suppose the only problem is, they seem to change daily. Sometimes I talk too much, sometimes I ask too many questions. (In other words, if I don't accept any outrageous lie that pops out of his mouth, I'm irritating him) I don't listen to what he tells me (She does, but let's face it, she's 24, he's her boss. We've got a little hero worship going.) I don't respect him, she does. (I'm working really hard to be sure that I am being respectful. At the same time it's really hard to respect someone that would be such a jack a**.) I'm sure it's actually all of the above. I realize I have to give and know that, hopefully the things that make me crazy can be addressed at a later date. I've been going with the whole, keep my mouth shut, let him do most of the talking. Trying to watch my tone of voice and acknowledging & apologizing for fall backs when they happen. He's been really accepting of all this and that led us to this whole "let's be best friends" thing.

Sounds like my kind of guy since I sometimes carry my pistol in my car! Your H has threatened to "kill" him. AND your H is screwing his wife. This man is being victimized by your husband so lets keep in mind the OWH is not the bad guy here.

Please take some action, bizy, starting with exposing at work. A workplace exposure might end this affair today. At the very least, it would hasten its death.

No, No. I don't think he is in anyway the bad guy here! I'm just saying my WH, has just ran into a world I'm pretty sure he didn't know existed!! He's running around in his little dockers & loafers, playing golf with his buddies. This guy has no problem w/ a good bar fight and lives in a different world. WH just expects him to behave as any of his friends would & he won't. I'm sort of shocked WH hasn't got his tail kicked yet. That is one of those things I brought up pretty early on & he informed me he wasn't at all concerned. BH is not "smart enough" to take him on. I mentioned that she was married to him for 8 years, so it would seem she wasn't all that smart either. He didn't really think that was funny.

At the same time, my WH has came up with some pretty odd ideas since being with her. I consider her to be just as bad as my WH. I've said all along (and I'm being proven right) when you sleep with a dog, you get fleas. Her problems become our problems. They are the sort of problems we've never encountered and I don't appreciate the exposure. Their drama becomes our drama.

She has already left her H, rented an apartment and he has filed for D. They fight back & forth, he threatens her family. Her family threatens his. Her sister trades cell phones with her so that I won't recognize her number on the phone bill. It goes on & on. OWF accepts adultery as part of life and figure now she'll just go on with my WH instead of her own. Apparently, they all consider him to be quite a catch. (She doesn't know about our financial arrangement and I have to wonder if it will so thrilling when she realizes he is incredibly poor!)
As far as workplace exposure,my concern was that if they had already lost everything they would just fall into together. But, I can see to how once it's not a fantasy thing anymore, that would help.

Expose to the office- tell them you are trying to save your marriage and they are carrying out an affair on company time. Ask what they plan to do about it.

What is more important - your marriage or his job?

Expose or get OW's BH to expose at workplace NOW!!

gotcha, bizy! Thanks for clarifying.

Yes, exposure at work would help your situation and make it very hard, if not impossible, for them to continue to work together.

A good way to expose at work is to write a letter to the director of HR, and cc his boss and the region VP. Tell them that your H is having an adulterous affair with SluttySue that is destroying your marriage and family. You thought they should know that this affair could potentially expose them workplace discrimination actions. Ask them to intervene to put a stop to this affair and ask them what they intend on doing about it.

Type this letter out, giving your full name, address and phone number and send it CERTIFIED MAIL to the director of human resources and all the other people I mentioned above. You can usually get their names off a website or by calling the office and asking for names.

they are being exposed to potential workplace sexual discrimination