biz chick:

Lets me assure YOU that permitting them to work together ........will ONLY lengthen the time, scope and depth of pain for EveryOne involved.

I too (at first) tried the "let them work together" plan.

For the sake of brevity ....it was a nightmare. (for me)

Worst 5 months of this entire ordeal! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
BY FAR! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
Enough to Literally make me just about Insane. [Looking back, I probably was]

Problem was it only served to embolden the CLB (OM)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Yea,
when I first found out ......he was scared ......but since I listened to my W's pleas (to NOT destroy another family, yadda yadda, blah/blah/blahhhh) .....he figured I would Never DO anything and got progressively worse.

Let me tell you,
watching my W go to work day after day, to be with this CLB ....that may have been the most PowerLess time I've ever felt in my entire life.
(by the way -- 100% of my W's A took place AT WORK, while on the clock) - Went on for around 2yrs
Just for some reference.

Over the months I became more and more like a zombie ........and finally in a kinda a wimpy passive/aggressive way ......I sent him an email, a note to his W, and a couple of text messages & a final call to his cell phone - (not all at once, more like a month apart).

All that did was have the Pr*ck call the Cops on ME !
And they took HIS side.
Why?
Cause I was playing the "game" by the cheaters rulz ......and you can only beat a master by swithching the rules up on them.
They play hard .......You have to be willing to play Harder!

They Thrive on lies and secrets ....so if you climb in that bed & try to Out Do them in that arena, your sunk.
Only the cleansing Light of Day seems to Work with these sorry souls.
SAD but True.

In Fact,
Only once the HR department got wind of the cr*p going on during their watch did anything happen.
Indeed,
2 days after they found out,
the CLB was led off the grounds by security.
[Wish I coulda been there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />]
Within 1 week, he was given the option to resign his position OR be fired.
He asked "where do I sign".

Due to the A occurring at work,
we decided to have my W quit as well.
Then we sold our house and moved to another state.
(I needed that mostly ......just to get a fresh start....too many ghosts in our old haunts).

(Ironic part is - my W was quitting and leaving her position regardless ......so if the CLB had just kept his cool, NOT called the cops on me, he could have kept his Job ......cause we were already in the process of moving on and getting out of that place and That mess--- and had NO Plans on telling AnyOne).

Meanwhile:
The CLB has tried contact 2-3 times over the last 4 yrs.
But thankfully nothing has come of it.

My W did learn through the grapevine that he did LOSE yet another job .....and has had to move like 700 miles away to get another.
Just can't keep his priorities straight I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

************
since I don't post as much these dayz ...guess I should add this:
CLB = creepy little [email]b@st@rd[/email]

Just so you don't get confused with yet more of these little letters that get thrown around these boards soooo much

Believe me,
I KNOW how scarry all this is.
Its seems overwhelming and too daunting much of the time.

However,
YOU can decide to be part of your own solution ....or continue to be part of your own demize.
By NOT doing ALL you can to end his A,
your by default Enabling it .....thereby assisting in the ONE thing you KNOW will destroy your marriage and thereby your Life as you Now know it.

Please don't let the fear of "what if" ....freeze you into InAction.
Cause you already KNOW (inside) that your only helping in your own unhappiness, by doing so.

Wishing you Only success in deciding on a positive path for your journey.

Bizy:

Write the letter to HR. You should do it tommorrow.

But if you don't, what happens?

Your H keeps screwing someone else, and your self-esteem goes in the dumper.

So send the letter to HR.

OR:

Call and attorney tommorrow.

Lay it all out. And ask him what it would cost WH in Child Support, Alimony, legal fees, second residence, etc, to Divorce or seperate.

Get it in writing.

And hand that to WH.

HE UNDERSTANDS That.

Then? State plainly, and without emotion, that you will call OW, HR, OWH, The RM, and others in the company to testify, under oath, about his workplace A.

And that you will start that process immediatly. Your Lawyer has already started drawing up the appropriate names and addresses for the subpeonas.

Then see what he does.

You ain't never seen a viper that mad!

But if he continues on this path, then send the info as noted above to HR. The result is the same. He has decided to destroy your M. Well, He can decide to fix it too.

Push him off that Fence. No more cake eating.

LG

bizy ~ I totally agree with this...women cannot tolerate this type of insane situation for very long. An "open marriage"? Are you crazy????

My H did not have an "out-in-the-open" affair; he took me through a false recovery though, where he was TELLING me that the A was over, but it was not. I lived with an active wayward husband for a year.

I Plan A'ed him most of those 10 months, and I can testify that Plan A'ing an active WS CAN and DOES make you crazy. And THEN you end up with PTSD. Oh, and throw in a nervous breakdown (or near-one) for good measure, and you will be all set for the looney bin.

We've been in "real recovery" for about 2 months now and I STILL question my sanity. Plan A'ing a WS for that long seriously made me think I was crazy, and I am normally a pretty smart girl. DON'T DO IT.

Stop agreeing to things that are insane....very short Plan A, straight to a dark Plan B. That Plan B saved my life, no kidding.

And keep reading here, SAA, HNHN, and this website. You'll be ok, there are lots of people here who can help you through it.

TOP ROPE,


CAN you please email me @

dawgsday7672@yahoo.com

thanks.

Thanks for all of the good advice. I hadn't thought about the attorney thing. I don't think that would have any effect. He won't contest. He's agreed to everything I've asked for just to hush it up. Blows my mind that he's will ing to give up so much to keep this going with an unattractive, unhappy, tramp.
Ohh, I just remembered. We still haven't signed this. He is following it, but it hasn't been signed. Yikes. I worry that he's dragging it out so that he can persuade me to take less.

I have not been in Plan A for any length of time. I found out about the A in March. But, didn't know about this site or the books & spent the last couple months thinking I could negotiate with a maniac. About 2 weeks ago, by the grace of God, I let it go and decided to take a new approach. Then I found this site.

The problem being the fact that he wants to ride the fence. He told me last night that he plans to stay here basically forever. But he is totally ticked off and is playing his mind games.
Implied that he & OW are through. (Yeah, right) Told me when he isn't at my house he will be not at my house??? Wasn't ready to tell me where he would be. I asked if he would be going to a hotel. He said yes. I said "Oh, so you guys are concerned about her H. So, she'll just come to you." He smirked and said "well, that would be stupid." muttered something under his breath about "cattin' around" and told me he didn't know if he'd be gone this week or not. Depends on whether he has any money. I asked how OW felt about him cattin' around. He said it was none of here business. I know they are freaking out because OW & H had it out yesterday. She basically dared him to take her to court. I told WH, it's not that H will get custody of the children, it's what he can drag you through that is the issue. I don't see him winning, but he can sure make things bad on OW & WH. As far as I'm concerned, he can knock himself out. But WH suggested that I call OWH and persuade him not to take it to court. Told me that if I wanted an XH who was not in prison I would do it. Said he had made it really clear to OW that she needed to tell H that it wouldn't be a good idea.

In my kindest voice I suggested that if he was truly concerned about his job he wouldn't have done this and that he needed to accept responsibility for his part in it. He agreed that he did it to himself, but that he still intended to kill H if he brought him into it.

I screwed up this am and suggested that we try a few divorce counseling sessions to try & salvage the friendship. He shot it down. Talked on the phone later & he said he had actually been feeling better today & planned to call to talk to me about some things that he had going. But, I blew it. (His usual game) Then accused me of lying to him and ask me to "come clean" while I still had the chance and he could forgive me.

Expose the affair at work and go into Plan B, bizy. Stop the insanity.

Yep, I agree. I don't see any other way. Yikes. If I had a backbone I wouldn't be here! I freak out when he gets ticked off. Not sure why I care. When I expose the A, I roll right into B, right? I don't think that will be an issue, because he isn't gonna be talking and I can't imagine him staying! Shouldn't I get my D papers signed first?? I feel like he was pretty much buying silence.

Would it be just as effective if OWH exposed??(Other than that whole shooting thing!! <grins>)
Do be both have to? Or can just I or he??
The funny thing is, everyone says I'm realy intimidating. WS says all the time that he's scared to death of me. Doesn't want counseling because "Your too smart. Ten minutes with the counselor and you'd have them convinced that your right and I'm wrong. I couldn't believe anything they said because they would just be going along with you." Uhhhhh, yeah like the average person off the street would think what he is doing is OK & a good thing until I came along and poisoned their mind. LOL

bizychick, write the letter out and send it certified to the people I mentioned. I wouldn't tell the OWH beforehand because he might warn the OW, which would be a disaster. Tell him AFTERWARDS. If you did this today and got it in the mail, they would have it on Wed or Thursday.

Then, over the next 2 weeks get prepared to go into Plan B.

bc, what about his parents and siblings? Does his family know he is still pursuing his affair? Have you told them?

Yes. They all know. He actually called the sister he is closest with the day I found out. He confessed all, cried. She ask him to think about what he had done to us, he cried some more. Apparently she kind of went off on him. She told me later that it hit too close to home. Her (now deceased) husband had an affair. They recovered but it's a sore subject with her. He cried, finally hung up and put up a big time wall.Has not spoke to her or responded to her TMs since. She actually sent him a letter a month or so ago and apologized for going off on him. Should have listened and offered support, yada yada. He still hasn't spoke to her.

As for the rest of the family- he is a big time avoider. They're all 1000 miles away and that's part of the problem. We are anonymous here. He feels like he's invincible. No one to answer to, no one to judge him. He keeps saying I'm the only one that knows and it's just between me, him and her.

He'll tell you that he knows this is wrong. He probably should have taken care of this when he was younger, he just wants to have some fun!! (Don't we all!!)

First of all they all DARE you to take them to court because you see they are entitled, doesn't everyone see it, I am above the rules that apply to other men, I an invincible.....NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would encourage him to take OW to court for custody, child support, the house, favorable split of the assets and more. HE CAN win custody of the children with an OW and your WH laying claim to them. Nothing could be worse for a child than to be stuck with two waywards as primary parents.

Laslty, I think you owe the OW's H the truth about your WH's, now 2, threats on his life. He may want to take out a restraining order against him, file for a temporary order that forces his WW to keep the children from being around your WH for fear of injury, etc. He deserves to know just how BAD and pompous your WH is and let him deal with it in his own way.

I would encourage you to get your agreement SIGNED.
Because once you expose -- he's going to get nasty at you.

Shield yourself with protection.