Before I get into my latest dilemma I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the previous advice and encouragement. It has been very helpful and supportive.

Brief description: I am 32 yrs old. I have been married for almost seven years and have no kids. My wife and I have been together for almost 13 yrs. Seven months ago my life changed completely. My wife began having an emotional affair that turned into a physical affair. I suspected she was having an affair seven months ago but was in denial. Our marriage took a turn for the worse and never recovered. In May my wife moved out of our home while I was out of the country on business. She never admitted to me completely that she was having an affair but admitted it to friends and family. It has been a month today since she moved out. We have had very limited communication since she moved out. When she moved out she said she was going to continue to help out with expenses.

Well here is my currently situation. Our mortgage is due and I have received no money from her. We have always paid the mortgage 50/50. We have always had separate checking accounts because it was just easier that way. I left her a message today asking for her to call me so we could talk but haven’t heard from her yet. The mortgage isn’t due until the 15th but we always send it in the first week of the month. I could pay the entire mortgage myself but it would be difficult. I have been contemplating refinancing which would lower the mortgage significantly and then I could afford to pay the mortgage each month without her help. I am just not sure what to do. The mortgage is in both our names so I don’t even know if I could refinance without her. How do I get her to pay her fair share of the mortgage? When we were living together this was her only expense. I paid all the other bills (and still do). She now has a lot more expenses (rent, utilities, etc.) and I don’t think she can afford to pay the mortgage any more. I don’t want to go into debt or refinance because of her affair but I don’t know what else to do? Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Is anyone else going through a similar situation or has gone through a similar situation before?

Thanks in advance and God Bless!

Buddy

oh yes i have been in your shoes.

a few things.
you cannot refinance in just your name unless she signs the deed over to you. she may only sign the deed over to you if you buy out her half of the house. she could be nice and just sign the deed over, but most spouses want the share of the house.

you cannot force her to pay her half. when my ex left 2 years ago he stopped paying anything on the mortgage. his name is still on the mortgage but he refuses to pay any of it and i can't make him. if payments are not made they take the house. it is not like you can send in half and tell the mortgage company to go after her for the other half. it doesn't work that way. i got wayyy behind in my mortgage when my ex first left because he was paying me the bare minimum of cs, i was only working part time and in school full time. it was a mess.

talk to your mortgage company. they are usually very helpful.

mlhb

I've been in the mortgage industry for over a decade and I can give you a little info on your situation. Your both on the mortgage and subsequently the title to the home. In order for you to refinance on your own, you will most likely need a seperation agreement or divorce decree in which you may have to buy out her equity in the home. Depending on the state you live in, her just simply deeding the home over to you will not work. You can find out by contacting a real estate attourney in your area. Regardless of what you do, you must pay the full payment if you can to avoid it harming your credit. Even if the lender allows a short term work out, that will still be recorded on your credit and viewed equally as foreclosure by most lenders though your score won't take the hit.

Buddy,

I am going through in the same situation but in different country. In 2002 I refinance our home under my name only as per my bank's advice, with a Deed of Assignment to our daughter with my signature only. I trust that I did the right thing because I've been paying the mortgage on my own.

Though, I am now filing for legal separation. In our country the process will take 1.5 to 2 yrs to finish. Annulment is much longer. We have no divorce there.

Sorry, I can't help- just sharing my situation.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. Boy, I wish none of us had to be in this situation but it is comforting to know that I am not alone. My wife paid this month but I have a feeling she will not be able to financial do that for much longer. I can afford to pay the mortgage without her but it cuts deeply into my spending money.

Thanks again!

Buddy

If no one has filed for separation or divorce, you are still married and each is liable for the debt incurred. She could be running up credit cards and incurrign debt.
Many people file just to "stop the clock".
You could also use it to get her to contribute toward the mortgage.

If you have equity in the home, you may want to sit down with her to discuss a home equity loan to keep the mortgage current, but you'd both have to agree.

Here's another idea. Refinance with her. Explain to her that unless you refinance immediately, there could be substantial ramifications for both of you. If you don't pay her share, she'll be hurt just as much as you. In other words, give her the worse case scenario and don't tell her you can cover the entire mortgage.

Refinancing with her still on the mortgage is a very expensive solution if you will be getting a divorce shortly and need to buy her out and refiance anyway.

But, if you imagine this could drag out for two or three years, it may be worth doing the math.

Another solution is to get her agreement to sell the house now and put the procedes into escrow until you two know what you're doing, i.e. divorce vs marriage.

Thanks Greengables and Newly,

I am thinking I might buy her out and refinance. I have thought about selling the house but I like the house and the location. I am meeting with her today and am going to offer to buy her out. I can’t afford to give her half of what the house is worth but maybe she wants out so badly that she might take a lower offer. If she doesn’t then I will probably fix up the house and put it on the market.

It is sad to see our dreams being washed away but when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade (isn’t that what I am suppose to be telling myself?).

Thanks again everyone!

Buddy

Just so you know, noone takes less than they feel they deserve. (unless you are really lucky)

There are many ways to structure a sale, so that she could get some money now, and some later (say when you sell the house, or at a determined future point in time).

Remember that lawyers cost s fortune.

Ah lawyers… gotta love ‘em…

Well I met with my wife yesterday and attempted to discuss finances with her. I made her my offer and she didn’t want to talk about it. She is living in this fantasy World. She is enjoying the “single” and carefree life right now and doesn’t want to talk about us or anything related to us. I told her that we need to sit down and discuss our future and she wouldn’t commit to anything. She is keeping me in this constant state of limbo. I guess she just needs more time to get settled into her new life…

Oh and the offer I made her was a VERY good one. Based on the housing market right now and the estimated value of our house it was pretty close to 50%.

Thanks again for listening!

Buddy

Buddy, put the offer in writing and copy your lawyer on it. If she's being unreasonable and comes after you for more, you have a paper trail.

You may consider if you need to file in order to protect your own financial situation. You can even get the court to make a temporary order that she pay half the mortgage.

Go to the bank, take an equity line of credit for every bit of equity you can. HIDE it someplace safe. then if you have to sell the house. it sells for what is owed... she get's none of the equity because you have it all... look out for yourself!!!

It may be a struggle now to pay but in the long run if there is 10 20 or 30k of intrest it winds up in your pocket and you dont have to split it with her.

Thanks Greengables and gblogbd,

I am going to look into both suggestions this week! All of the advice and recommendations have been very helpful. I wish none of us had to go through this but I guess that is life…

Thanks again!

Buddy