Well, you don't have to know what your needs are right now. What is required is a willingness to meet his. Do you have that? The goal of plan A is to convey a willingness to meet his needs in order to attract him back to the marriage.

BTW,

I have been putting this off myself but plan on doing it this summer.

I went to an Ear, Nose and Throat Dr (Otolyrangologist) (sp?) for an Ear Ache this past winter. He indicated that for about $350 or so...he could make an injection of this substance in my throat which will only be uncomfortable for a few days that will tighten up the loose resonating tissue (snoring) by forming scar tissue upon/within it. The price includes a follow up injection if the 1st one doesn't fully do the trick. He indicated that it is VERY successful in handling the snoring issue.

Look into it. My wife hates my snoring too and uses the TV to drown me out...but that causes problems too as I can't stand the TV on the entire night.

Mr. Wondering

thank you.....i do the tv thing too and i have started taking sleeping pills.....

Hiya Gabie:

I tend to lean to Ark's side. I dunno if your husband is having an affair or not. It could be his buddy is doing the secretary. Maybe yes, maybe no. I just am not picking up the right signals or something.

What your husband is telling you is that he ain't happy.

And he shouldn't be. He is doing a male thing to get your attention. Guess he has succeeded. Of course he went about it the wrong way and you are wound up like a cheap watch trying to deal with all your emotions. But what do you expect? He is a guy and guys don't do and act like females.

Unless you get real lucky, most local counselors are awful, no, they are worse than awful, they lead people to divorce instead of happy marriages. You would be far better off spending your money on the Harleys. A session or two with them is worth a dozen even with a sorta maybe good local counselor, most of the time.

Sounds to me like it is time for you to put your grownup hat on and start taking care of your guy. Otherwise some predatory female out there is likely to try to meet his needs - then what? Hey and those little people who share your home might enjoy having a real mom and dad around for a change.

Larry

Gabie - What say you to Mel's question?

Larry I agree with you ....thank you

Let me add a few more words.

If he IS having an affair, he is a reluctant affairee. But if he is and you can prove it, you gotta bust him anyway.

And the recovery from an affair is the same path - Plan A, own YOUR own stuff if you expect him to own his, yada, yada, yada. More or less the same path if he ISN'T having an affair. In other words a real marriage not a shell of one.

Larry

which question bigkahuna?

i really do not feel in my gut an affair...maybe talking an EA possibly i think i caught it in the beginning ...and he was gone ...most wh do not come back in the midst of beginning a new relationship...i would assume...i am no expert I have never strayed from the relationship..not that i dont own other negatives things i have done...i am no angel for sure

a shell that is exactly what we have...it looks so good from the outside...people call us barbie and ken....but it is empty on the inside that is so sad to say ...its just gut wrenching...because we are both good people...and we BOTH deserve to be happy

This one

Er, sounds like you're getting ready to fight Gabie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good for you. Now get His Needs Her Needs and do it right.

Larry

gabie, what are you willing to do to attract him back? Are you willing to do what it will take to attract him? For what reason should he come back? You might "deserve" to be happy, but he isn't interested in making you happy, he has left because there is nothing here for him. The purpose of Plan A is to show them that you are WILLING to meet their needs in order for them to see the marriage as a VIABLE ALTERNATIVE.

However, as it is now, he doesn't see it as a viable alternative. He sees nothing here for him. Is he right?


I agree it is an affair. And yes WH do come back in the midst of a beginning of an affair. It is quite common.

gabie, I am going to leave you with this link to Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts that will better explain how people fall out of love, and how they fall in love. I hope that you read it and follow his plan IF you want to save your marriage. I wish you the best. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

Melody I understand you concepts and your point of view. My husband has been back in the house for 2 weeks now. We have done alot of soul searching and really talked ..more importaant really listened to what one another feelings. I will take part in the deterioration of our marriage but i will not take blame for the whole downfall ...it takes 2 people to make a good relationship and 2 too kill one also. As far as him leaving becasue there is nothing here...I am here his children are here and the life we have strived to have for the past 10 yrs is here ...

Yet, happiness is not there. A good marriage is not there. Just being there is not enough to keep someone in a marriage. I think that is the problem you have to address. What are you willing to do about that? Are you willing to try and make him happy? To do the things it takes to achieve a happy, fulfilled marriage?

Have you read anything at all about plan A..

what are your questions about plan a

how can we help you plan A

ARK

yes I have read Plan A....I have read everything on this site.. I know Melody is right...I am trying but I am angry too...I have to let the anger go...I think I am in the process because anger is not productive...I am holding my tongue...I am trying to stay positive with h holding back my accusations, doubts, but as far as a full Plan A...I am implementing some of it...

you know what I lash out when I am hurt...I use anger as a way to deal with hurt feelings...instead of just saying I am hurt...I have a problem with opening up...my h has always told me I only let him get so close then i put a wall up...I have major intimacy problems I think....

Gabie, the problem is that demonstrating your anger to him right now will work against you. You are ENTITLED to be angry. But giving into it HARMS YOU and your interests. You have to be more strategic if you want this to work out. We need you to get your anger under COMPLETE CONTROL with him and come here and CUT LOSE on this thread. Come here and VENT. Don't vent with him. ok?

Read the list of lovebusters and stop doing them TODAY. In the meantime, ask him to take the emotional needs questionaire and find out what BOTH of your en's are. Another thing that will help you become more intimate very quickly is to spend 15 hrs a week with each ONE ON ONE meeting each others needs. It is VERY EFFECTIVE in helping you fall in love again.

What portion of Plan A are having trouble implementing?