I don't know what to do or where to go. My wife of over 3 years is having an affair with a co-worker and I've seen it coming since January. I caught her on AOL IM with him during a party and she confessed she was going to leave me but decided I was the one for her. Since then I have read emails, reviewed cell records and caught her in lies. I've tried to confront in round-about ways, but finally know she is sleeping with him. All while she thinks I don't know and she thinks I'm crazy.
On April 28th I pretty much know and threatened suicide... since then been getting help.
She is willing to see a counsellor with me starting this week, but I don't know how much to come forth with?
All this time I'm hiolding stuff in and occasionally loosing it and spilling certain things I know to her.

Welcome to MB. Glad you are getting help for the suicidal part - hope you are on AD's.

The starting point is Plan A, where you show her what a great husband you can be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. It also includes exposure. That means you let your wife know that you know, you write a letter and expose the affair at work (without telling her first), you let her family and friends know that she is in the midst of adultery, and you let your family know.

If the othr man has a wife, you let her know.

In exposing her, won't she just ask for a divorce or something? Especially when she is willing to go to counselling. I have already told her that councelling will only help if she is not winning the heart of someone else and is devoted to me... all of which she said I'm the one she loves but this will take a while.

I think she is looking for physical satisfaction from him (and comforting him) he has a sick wife) and it infuriates me. We have never had any sexual problems.

And it is so hard to let all of this happen under my nose while I have full exposure of it. And in the exposure at work, not sure how to do that. I know her work friends very well.

Thanks
and yes... on low dose of AD

In exposing my wife, she DID throw me out and IS divorcing me.

However, the OMW busted the affair up and beat him stupid.

She has to pay the mortgage on a $1000 a month house on $10.00 an hour.

As long as they work together, the A will not end, it will just go further underground. If she refuses to leave her job, you need to expose her A to her employer. They may do something about it. As long as there is an active affair, your marriage has no chance. If you expose, your wife will be angry and tell you that she is going to divorce you (mine did and we are now recovered), but it is your best shot at ending the affair. All WWs react the same way, but they usually calm down after a few weeks. The key is to get your wife to have NC with the OM. After several months of NC, you'll be able to start working on your M again. If contact continues, your situation will only get worse.

Let the HR department at work know that there is an affair, and your marriage is breaking up, and request that they let you know what they will do about it.

Yes, she will be furious, they always are.

Well, I'm back. I just don't know how to procede. Wednesday is our first marriage counselling session and a lot WILL come out. How much I am not sure, but I am going to have to expose this to people at work and her family. Ultimately i think I will loose seeing that she works with guy and this has been growing for 6-7 months.

To boot, I just read an email that looks like she is about to inform her best friend that she's grown up with about her affair.

Yes there were problems that led to her straying, but I will not blame myself for this. I just need the help and support of anyone who has been through this.. please.

Can love really blossom after an affair, and the fact that intimacy took place?

Also, how in the world do you keep your strength to have the happy face and be the perfect husband when you know what is going on?

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would not say anything and expose the affair for fear that you would get angry at her? Clearly at this point she has very little respect for you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

I hear you... I think I wanted to be the gentleman here and resolve things at home. BUT, you are right that she is not respecting me by living in the darkness like this. I want more than anything to have this relationship work. Just scared to death of the consequences if I do expose and scared to death if I don't and just let counselling take place.

As for working conditions, both have been in their jobs for 20+ years same company and in management roles and work directly with eachother.

Expose at work, and to the other man's wife. In the thousands of folks here that have exposed, I'm only aware of one person who was sorry they did. That member now wishes that she had kept her marriage and just let her husband cheat.

But the vast majority are relieved after exposing the affair to the light. Often it ends the affair, or at least puts a lot of pressure on it to end.

Your wife will be furious, but she will get over it.

Don't tip your hand - just do it.

MC with an affair partner waiting in the wings is a waste of money and time.

Well, the MC is already scheduled and will be an opportunity for us to speak with a 3rd party present. That is what my wife would like too seeing that she feels I twist everything out of proportion. I will not sho my hand to her, and will expose this week.

Wish me luck

I just want you to be prepared for what will happen once you expose. Your wife will try to hurt you as much as possible. Afterall, you stole her crack pipe away from her and she is SOOO addicted to it. She'll say every possible mean thing she can, try and convince you it's over, anything she can think of in an attempt to get you to give back her crack pipe so she can smoke it some more. This will last a couple weeks. You should probably see your doctor and get him to prescribe some antidepressants and antianxiety medications to help you through this time. I know that I could barely function during this time, but I made it through the other side, and it's great on this side. It was worth the struggle.

Just remember, you can see car bearing down on you. Brace yourself for the impact. Do let her make you regret your decision. You are doing the right thing. Do not be afraid or give in to her. She is an addict.

Funny you should relate it to a crack addict... cause that's exactly what I see it as. Every night she has to get her 1am or 3am fix and either send an email to him or see if he sent her one. All while she thinks I'm asleep.

The cell phone calls are increasing (no texting) but at odd times and the frequency is rediculous. I've confronted her with that and a few other things but she doesn't think I know what is going on. Meantime, I have the clearest picture of all.

Dr has me on AD and I should ask about anti anxiety.

I've been holding all of this in and the bucket is ready to overflow. Just going to try and be positive and act like all is good. Then the exposure will take place by Thursday so pressure can be applies Friday and over the weekend.

I can't tell the OW because she is in the hospital very sick... and he's cheating on her. What a guy.

this is good advice that you have here. trust me, and if your wife files for divorce thats because she was going to do it anyway. Most A's do not move onto a wonderul marriage they start out on deciet and lies. Another piece of advice, your W will probably lie to the marriage counselor, my H did that for 6 mos.

You should tell OMW, but even if you don't, you should at least tell his and her families. You need to put the pressure on from that side as well. It is imperative to have both sides putting pressure on the A.

Also, even if they haven't slept together in a while, as long as there is contact, this is an ACTIVE affair, as evidence by the calls and emails at 3am. She is still cheating on you and that is the point you need to get across to those you expose to.

Just back from my Dr. He said he doesn't recomend the exposure. I feel that it is necessary.

His wife is in the hospital very sick, and he is CHEATING? Yuck - your wife can sure pick them.

If you are having trouble with anxiety, do some exercising. It works real well.

Is your doctor an expert in marriage and infidelity? Then don't listen to him. If you still have doubts, call up the Harleys and get their advice.

Your Dr. is an idiot.

Exopse to EVERYONE and do it NOW,.

Be prepared for to her hit you broadside with ALL of the gunports open.

Get ALL of your money out of the bank before you do and definately open a seperate account in preparation for the fallout. That way when she either moves out or throws you out, you don't have to give her ANY financial support.

Don't let her have her cake and eat it too.

here I am again. Anoth sleepless night with her sneeking onto the computer to instant message with the OM. I told her I feel the MC is just going to be an open door for her to confess the A and tell me to get out. Once I finish our session this afternoon I will update everyone here that is helping me.

I also just did a cell phone analysis and in 18 days she's called him for over 250 minutes... mostly on his cell phone.

By the way, my dr is a PHD in psychology and is a marriage counceller as well. But, I think the advice I'm seeing here is what I need.