In counseling just remain a broken record. Let her talk, but continue to let her know that you want to remain married, and will discuss changes you need to make for a better marriage, but won't discuss divorce.

Insist that counseling is useless with a lover waiting in the wings, and that for the marriage to improve he needs to be out of the picture.

I have been telling her that lately and I think she is the one going crazy as to how I know about the A. I do want the marriage to work and will do anything. Its hard to be possitive and be the husband she married, especially when I walk upstairs and see her on the computer at midnight then 3 in the mornign.

Just got an email from my wife...
so what, are you saying you're spying on me (or trying to)? so i can't go on the computer, i can't use my phone - what else can I not do? Please do tell me.

I am not going to "report" into you nor am I going to ask your "permission". I have never put you under a microscope Mike - STOP putting me under one.

What do I do?

She is trying to manipulate you into giving up your sources, so she can get around them. Don't give them away. Tell her you will do whatever is necessary to stand up for your marriage. You have nothing to hide, so she can check up on you anytime she wants. Don't apologize. Keep moving forward.

On a parallel front, I would investigate who gives out liscences for marriage counseling, and see if there is a board that you could report him to, so he might lose his liscence if he continues with your wife. OM need consequences to make the affair not worth their while.

That's exactly what I feel like. I know she wants to know my sources. So I told her I am just being aware of my surroundings inorder to catch us doing something right... not wrong.

As for the OM... he is not a doctor. he works with my wife in her dept. and she use to work for him.

It doesn't matter if he is a doctor or not. You have to have some credentials to be a marriage counselor, some are liscenced clinical social workers. Expose to her employer as well. Do what you can to pressure the affair to stop.

I will try my best... she's calmed down just a bit but I'm sure the MC session will be quite heated. 2 hours and counting.

yup,,,her getting made about you "spying" is expected,,,this is right on course,,keep plugging ahead,,,obviously you are doing the right thing here,,,and just remember the right thing is always the hardest to do,,thats why alot of us sat in the dark,,,it was easier,,it made it easier for them to sit in the dark to,,,it will get tougher,,you be tougher,,do what you have to in order to make it stop,,if you know what to expect it makes it easier. expect the lies now

Oh Yea... I have caught her in som many lies but never confronter her on them. Just round about ways of letting her know I know something is up.

Biggest thing for her is the life under a microscope. I'm sure she will press the issue this evening to see to what extent I've spied.

She is going to think I haven't trusted her since day 1 of our marriage, which is BS. As long as I know she is going to get incredibly pissed while being outed and forced to go through withdrawls... I will remain as strong as I can.

Should I voulenteer to leave at any time?

explain about leaving? don't volunteer to leave your home,,you stay there,,,also expect that she will re-write your history on your marriage,,say things to justifie why she is in an A,,,make you sound like a horrible H. be prepared for that also.

NEVER give up your sources and remind her she is lying and untrustworthy regardless.

She wil absolutely deny deny deny, even when confronted with video evidence.

Mine did. Too funny, so she threw me out and everyone got to see the tapes.

You are the BS. You stay in the marital home. You sleep in the marital bed. You are the primary caregiver and decision maker for the children. You call the shots. If she won't abide by your marital boundaries, her [censored] is packed and dropped on the curb. She is entitled to NOTHING (except what the law dictates, consult your attorney for advice). Did you like that disclaimer? Seriously, make it as hard for her to continue her affair as possible. Once it is over, you will get your chance to reconcile, but right now, pressuring your WW to have NC with OM is your primary objective.

Here is an analogy I'm using these days to describe the crazy way the WS acts about BS snooping:

If you get up from our cozy bed and when you are gone I smell s*!t and it's strong and vile so I pull back the covers to see if it is simply the gaseous remains of a poor meal or .... what? oh my! solids. That discovery is not snooping it is good housekeeping....it is also your s*!t not mine. So if you don't like filth you should not deposit it.....darlin!

A little background info:
My wife is in her 2nd marriage. Our son is hers from the 1st marriage. House was hers when I moved in and she still has mortgage in her name.We've been together for 5 years... married for a little over 3.

MC went as planned yesterday. She got to start and laid out many of her gripes about our marriage. I got to counter a little and ended with the bang of thinking she is having an A. Felt good to expose her in front of someone else. She didn't say much... but we will continue in a little over a week.

Funny thing is that the first call my W made was to the OM immediately upon getting into her car and chatted for 12 minutes. Hmmmm

Question, I obviously know something is going on. I've confronted her and told her to stop. She still denies and says not to put her under a microscope. ?? Do I continue to do my research vial emails and cell phone records or be the super friendly H and not push the issue of the A (except to say I disapprove).

Spy, spy, and spy some more. When you get evidence, expose. She won't be able to deny it any more.

Now I think I'm getting it. Continue to spy spy spy, yet become more and more attractive and wanted and supportive towards her without letting what I found out burst out as an arguement of LB. It's almost like role playing but with the entire knowledge needed as back-up.

Knowing me... it sure is going to be difficult to keep all of my knowledge pent up while being the best husband ever. But I will for 6 - 8 weeks or whatever it takes. I will not argue or say or do stupid things and i will start to go out with friends and show her the "space" she thought she lost. And lastly... I won't beg love out of her of confess my love every waking moment.

An i love you in the morning and at night is all she needs to know how I feel

Are you still exposing tonight as originally planned?

You can let her know that you know she's having an affair (don't give her your sources), and she'll try and deny, deny, deny. Don't argue about it. But when she sneaks out to text him. Call her on it. If she gets up in the middle of the night to email him, call her on it. Don't yell and scream, but tell her that you won't be disrespected like that. Define your boundaries, and enforce them. Exposure is one form of enforcing your boundary. Another could be packing her bags and putting them on the curb. Another could be filing for legal separation with you petitioning for primary custody, the house, and child support. All the while you are meeting her need for conversation when she allows, admiration for the things she does do well, family and financial commitment, recreational companionship, etc. When you defend your boundaries, you don't LB, you just frame it around you like, "I will not allow myself to be walked on," or, "I am not going to allow you to disrespect me in my own house by calling and texting OM."

Exposure...

I did that yesterday with her and got the "ary you spying on me" bit. I also exposed to the MC last night (and prior to meeting with her)

There has been assumed exposure to her brother and some family, friends, etc where I said I know something is going on. I now need to tell them something IS DEFFINATELY goging on. As mor my best friend and parents and family... they all know full well what I know.

Trying to figure out how to expose at her work... especially since she's been there over 20 years, is very well respected there, and is the primary income in our home.

Well, she won't be the primary income earner if she divorces you. What's more important? Don't worry, work won't do anything anyway. They rarely do. You'll be lucky if they split them up so they don't work together. Just the fact that people know will be enough to make her extremely uncomfortable and make one if not both want to switch. I would set up a meeting with her HR manager, give her your proof, and ask them, "what they are going to do about it?" Make sure you let them know that you expect something of them. Otherwise they will take the path of least resistance. If you are also friends with some of her coworkers, I would expose to them as well. I would expose to her family and give them the proof as well. Don't let them know where or how you got it, but give them enough to let them know your W is lying.

By the way, exposure to your WW is not exposure. I'm pretty sure she already knew what was going on. I think you need to target people who will put pressure on her to end the affair, do it in one fell swoop, and do it quickly. Remember, she won't take to this too kindly. Expect the worst. Remember, your goal is to KILL the affair. Exposure is your #1 weapon.

Well, Been talking with my W and emailing her... this is the latest she sent me:

"you have been accusing me for months (day in and day out). What kind of life is that for me to have to deal with this every day. If I continue to tell you it's not true, you don't believe me. If I tell youit's true (which would basically be to just shut you up), then of course
you are going to apply blame, guilt and everything else that comes along.
So really, there is no way for me to win here - just like there hasn't been.
I plan to continue to go to counseling to try and save this marriage - but I am not going to live like this day in and day out."

I responded with: I will do whatever is necessary to stand up for our marriage. I have nothing to hide, so you can check up on me anytime you want. I want to remain married to you, and I want to discuss changes that I need to make for a better marriage. Counseling is useless with someone waiting in the wings, and for our marriage to improve, he needs to be out of the picture.

did I do the right thing???