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#1886797 06/04/07 03:28 PM
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Hello all.

Living in the UK, Male, 50 (just) Wife is 42. Three kids all at home (21, 18 and 16) Wife dropped the bomb on Sunday - she wants out, all the love is gone, does not want to be with me anymore.

I have not asked the question - Is there anyone else.

I have started reading about LB's and recognise myself in the top three and Independent Behaviour. My Lord I'm in trouble.

She is still living with me, but the shutters are down and locked tight. We are being civil because both of us knows it is near impossible for either one of us to leave.

I have been in this position about 6 years ago and although I did not know about any of the techniques here, we managed to sort it out. She gave up the "extra" guy, and I won what now seems like a temporary reprieve.

Now its 2007 and I'm hearing exactly the same words from her. Now that I have read a little of the basics on MB, I realise I just just slipped back into my own little LB'ing routines: Putting her down, not listening, angry outbursts, selfish behaviour - just about every form of non physical abuse you can think of.

After last time, I know I should try to ask if there is anyone else but, in truth, I am too scared to ask.

Is there any good way to ask? How should I react if my suspicions are confirmed?

How can I not immediately just blow my top and LB big time, potentially ruining any attempts at reconciliation.


Me 50 My DW 42 Marr 21yrs S1 20yrs, S2 18yrs, D 15yrs, (1 cat) Pain started 4th June 07 In Recovery Dec 07
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well

if you know where you put your foot in your mouth (the LBs)

at least you know what step one is

remove foot

apologize

simple

"I have hurt you. I am so sorry."

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Quote
Three kids all at home (21, 18 and 16)


the ages here are important

a trapped unhappy wife may decide it is time to escape when the kids reach this age range

think about it

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Snoop if you have 2, in order 2 verify that there is an A going on.

From the sounds of it, there is. Could be the same OM, 2.

It is good you're identifying and owning the LBs that you commit. But you are not responsible for her choice 2 cheat. Nobody deserves that, and there are much more appropriate ways 2 deal with a mediocre marriage than having an A.

-ol' 2long

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Hi Pepperband.

Thanks for the supportive words. About 4:00am this morning, I did just that. I guess we both could not sleep after "bomb" had exploded in our lives, just the afternoon before.

I asked if she was awake, she said she was. I just said "I'm sorry. Everything you said about the way I have treated you, is true, I can see how I hurt you. I have had years to change and I didn't. I still love you but you have no reason to believe I will change now. I'm sorry."

I just left it at that - she did not reply. I held her hand for a few moments, and then we were just left with our thoughts.

Today has been good only in that we both went to work as usual, we both came home as usual and we are both still under the same roof.

She let me cook a small meal, I did the chores without being asked, without trying to make it look obvious I was doing them, trying hard to make it look like I always did them without being asked.

This has been day one.

On day two, I have to ask her, I know, that I need to know if there is anyone else.

I just don't know how to start that particular conversation.


Me 50 My DW 42 Marr 21yrs S1 20yrs, S2 18yrs, D 15yrs, (1 cat) Pain started 4th June 07 In Recovery Dec 07
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How about:

"Are you having an affair?"

-ol' 2long

2long #1886803 06/04/07 04:04 PM
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It's just my opinion, and it's free....but I think KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Know your enemy and know your poison. I agree with Pep...if you know you've been a jerk....you know your first step. But don't stick your head in the sand...it won't help.

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I'll not ask her now (it's just before bed-time here.) I'm not sure I could sleep at all if I found out, or if I thought she was lying. (Not that I slept last night anyway.)

Thanks everyone.

I'm not going anywhere soon, I have a feeling that I'll need to stick around a while...


Me 50 My DW 42 Marr 21yrs S1 20yrs, S2 18yrs, D 15yrs, (1 cat) Pain started 4th June 07 In Recovery Dec 07
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Me 50 My DW 42 Marr 21yrs S1 20yrs, S2 18yrs, D 15yrs, (1 cat) Pain started 4th June 07 In Recovery Dec 07
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Hi fiddy sump'n

Have a shufty at this :

Quote
Below is a list of 50 indicators that your spouse is having an affair. It was compilied from the posting topic: Giveaway Habits of an
Adulterer..... and originally posted November 13, 1999 at 04:35 PM. I have tried to combine the original list with the additions from the follow-up messages. I have made minor changes and if there are any errors or omissions of course they are mine

50 Indicators of Infidelity.

1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
2. Constantly late.
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven't seen in years.
6. Starts shopping for new clothes.
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
9. Orders dishes or new household items never ordered before.
10. Does not look at other women/men as much as they used to.
11. Starts working late and on holidays and weekends.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
14. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
15. They give you gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids.
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions.
18. Start using new words and phrases.
19. At odd hours they start remembering things they forgot to do at the office.
20. They suggest that you open up separate checking accounts.
21. Often forget to wear wedding ring.
22. Takes the dog for much longer walks.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night.
24. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
25. Suddenly takes up new hobbies or friends that take them out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
26. They talk about a movie they've seen but you have not.
27. They insist on answering the phone.
28. They call out a different name in sleep.
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
30. They care about how breath smells. New mints, gum, etc. found around house.
31. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion.
34. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
36. Uses more kid slang than the kids!!!!!
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
38. When they lose stuff they accuses you of gettting into their "stuff"....
39. Uses the ATM way too much!
40. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
41."It wasn't a dinner date - it was just a way of saying thank you for carpooling"
42."I never lied about being married - she never asked me, so I just didn't bring it up"
43. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
44.The one difference is that my Wife wants our kids to like the other person because in the back of her head she thinks she will be with him. Very sickening. !!!!!!!!!!!
45. Carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times.
46. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
47. Becomes great friends with people going through divorce.
48. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values.
50. Gets "coded" pager messages at all times of the day and night

What you reckon ?


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Hello b0b,

Nice to hear from you in the UK. Everyone here is being so supportive and I really appreciate it, but it is also good to hear from someone this side of the Atlantic.

I must admit, looking at that list, that I don't see too many danger signs, other than the slight possessiveness of the mobile. But even that could just be my paranoia as for the life of me (and this shows you how much I have been paying her attention over the last months, I can't accurately remember how she used to be. Isn't that sad? I can't even remember what her "normal" behaviour is.

You look like you have been here for some time? I look forward to hearing from you what went wrong in your marriage and are you - did you - or did you not manage to fix it (one way or the other).


Me 50 My DW 42 Marr 21yrs S1 20yrs, S2 18yrs, D 15yrs, (1 cat) Pain started 4th June 07 In Recovery Dec 07
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My story, and the help I got, is largely HERE ( click)

My missus, Squid, had an affair with one of the top blokes in her sport after 17 years of marriage.

We didn't have a BAD marriage, but it could have been better.

It all went brown when she started "feelings" for fugly the eighth dwarf.

We're doing pretty good now ! This MB stuff works !


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Don't ask, just SPY. She won't admit it if you don't show her proof. If she is possessive of the cell phone, that is the first place to check. Can you check her call log online? If you see excessing texting or calling on the statement, either call from an untraceable phone and ask who lives there, or hire a PI to do a quick search (can be done for less than $150 US dollars). Knowledge is power.

In a parallel front you should meet meeting her ENs and avoiding LBs at all cost. No R/M talk for now, just concentrate on engaging her and having fun with her.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
jmwc95 #1886810 06/05/07 05:30 PM
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@jmwc95: I don't know if PI's can do that over here.

@fiddy: the mobile phone thing is not insignificant. If you're the bill payer you can access current & old phone bills online; just go online to the network operator's website & register, they'll send a code via text to your phone that you'll need to complete registration & you're away.

I like your sig btw.

Good luck.

b.p.m.


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I'm with Jim. I don't see that asking will help you. If she is, she will likely lie about it. Plus, even if she tells you the truth about it, she will have already convinced herself that the affair and her dissatisfaction with your marriage are unrelated, so you won't be able to use it to convince her of anything. Snoop.

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Thanks for all the comments.

I think I do need to breath a little, now and again.

I have a continuing thread in "Emotional Needs" where I have new information to disclose (and new hope for now?). I hope to see you there.

b0b, thanks for the link - I'll read it and get back to you - thanks for sharing.


Me 50 My DW 42 Marr 21yrs S1 20yrs, S2 18yrs, D 15yrs, (1 cat) Pain started 4th June 07 In Recovery Dec 07
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Kiddo

You'll get through this.

It doesn't feel like it now.

But you will.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


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Hi Bob.

Just read through the mainbody of the post properly (and the first couple of side links) and - man oh man - you have been through it, and come out the other side.

I seem to be nowhere near where you have been, but I can lots of places where I have to read, learn, plan and implement.

Like you, I am a working class, Northern Lad, brought up in an age when men were men, and women stayed at home looking after the kids. Tut tut all you like fellow MB'ers, but that very definately was the way it was back in my father's day. None of this namby-pamby "counselling" stuff. For a man to accept a WW back into his life - NO WAY - he would rather just keep the Pigeons. Bob knows what I mean.

Thanks Bob, you are an inspiration.

To everyone here who helped Bob, and who may be able to help me and any others who know about this place - as Bob has said - you are truly Angels. I don't really know anything about any of you, will never feel your pain, will never in all likelihood meet any of you,

But I am really glad you are all here.


Me 50 My DW 42 Marr 21yrs S1 20yrs, S2 18yrs, D 15yrs, (1 cat) Pain started 4th June 07 In Recovery Dec 07

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