Yes - I never thought I'd be back. My wife and I had been together since we were 20 - now we're 36 - married eight years. She had an affair 3-4 years ago - FWW moved out - I made big changes - thanks to MB - had counselling - we separated for 6 months - she dropped the OM majorly - and then reunited. And now....another bomb!!

We stayed with the counselling - even giving our relationship a solid 10/10 in March. And now FWW wants out for good - that's it - no discussion! She told me there was no-one else but I could see all the signs - frighteningly simliar to last time - and yes - I discovered evidence of an emotional AND physical affair that had been going on for at least 2 months. I have moved out (she was still emailing & texting OM) - and has said all the usual cliched reasons -want my space, like brother and sister, not 'in love' with you etc. Went back to couples counselling last night - FWW reiterated she wanted OUT of the marriage - said she even felt relief since making the decision. Counsellor said how is this A different from last time - FWW said last time she needed the OM -this time she left to be independent - would have left anyway without this OM there (rubbish!!!! - I've seen the emails - she left because she was having an EA/PA). Said she hardly sees this OM - except on her terms (rubbish again - found a letter she wrote him the other day saying how she now wants much more than a PA - wants him to ask her about her work, family, dogs etc and wants to go to movies, bookshops with him - even said she wants him to make a cup of tea for her before sex!!). Counsellor advised that we have NO contact - otherwise one of us might think there is a chance for the future - so no friendships - nothing. My wife kept it together then cried afterwards and we hugged - and we joked that we were caught cheating when the therapist saw us later - we hadn't seen each other since I had moved out and of course my wife wanted to know everything I had been up to. Kept saying how weird this all is - even when she saw ads in the paper to go overseas - it reminded her how we will never travel together again. She apologised for the A - I didn't know what to say. She's going to keep having IC. And me - in my heart of hearts I'd still have her back. I'm having a downer guys - dont' know what to do next - but I'm in it for the long haul and that's why I'm here! All advice much appreciated. Thanks Evan

_________________________
first bomb dropped 11/04
FWW seeing O/M
Separate 12/04
FWW stop seeing O/M 04/05
Reunite R 05/05
Second bomb dropped 05/07
FWW seeing O/M
Separate 06/07

Welcome. I suppose you could forgive her 2nd affair, but what about her 3rd affair? It sounds like your wife solves lifes problems by having affairs.

If you have no children with her, I would let her have the OM.

Lose this loser quickly. One time shame on you, second time shame on me.

I hope that you don't have children in the home and if you do I hope you send WW packing without them.

Sorry to hear...I am just considering forgiving the first affair but my #1 fear is exactly what you are going through...the 2nd affair...the thrid affair. I think some people are just addicts or have other personality traits that they keep finding them in this situation. You have a lot to think about...if it happened twice my bet is it will happen a 3rd time.

euandj,

What, if any, were the EXACT WRITTEN conditions that you were willing to accept an R with your WW.

I say written because a WS can sincerely deny the existence of the sun, moon and stars while in the throes of an A

euandj:

Boy, you sure don't post much. On the assumption that you check back here at all, I'm going 2 suggest that you seriously consider putting an end 2 this relationship/friendship/marriage or whatever it is as a FAVOR 2 BOTH of you.

Your sigline says the first bomb was dropped in 11/04, and yet you posted in March of 04 that she'd recently ended an A with an older man. Is this yet another A?

If you're 36, you still have the chance 2 start over with someone more likely 2 understand what the marriage commitment means - maybe even have a family.

Run away!

-ol' 2long

Thanks for your input guys. The therapy was an IMMENSE help for us and reunited us in a way both of us never thought possible - unfortunately I slipped up in filling my WAW EN once again and my WAW fell back into old family habits (a family history which predicates this type of behaviour). Now if she didn't want to seek ANY help - my door would be fully closed. Because, and only because, she is still willing to work out why she does this - beginning with IC with our original C - am I going to leave a slight crack in the door. I think we need at the VERY LEAST 12 months apart - and in that time it will be ALL about me as far as I am concerned. As far as inner peace - I'm getting there - good days / bad days / good hours / bad hours. I remember an example given in Dr.Harley's book about a FWW who had an A - but the H just hung in there BIG TIME - through S / A / - the TOTAL rollercoaster - his friends told him he was CRAZY. And I KNOW that's what I'm in for but I'm a fighter -but I feel this time I'm fighting the good fight for myself as a decent, caring, loving man who in the end is only human - anything that comes after that will be icing on the cake. Cheers euandj

Your counselor is SOOOOO against your marriage it makes me wonder if he isn't the OM (or OW if it is a woman counselor). Yeech!

1) Counselor say this A is "different". (It is "unique"?)
2) Counselor says you are to avoid WW completely.

Why exactly are you paying this person? I missed that part.