Can I call you Sas? Felt to me like hissing when I was acronymning your name.
Welcome back to MB...I looked up your February post and am quoting it here from over in the Resolving Conflict Forum. I think it's important to keep them together...this new post seems to reinforce the old one.
I will try to keep this short. Married over 21 years, lots of issues. I was a refuser the majority of my marriage. This past Sept I got it finally and fell in love with spouse all over again and things have been pretty good, all around we are both happier. Right now I feel exhausted, he hurt my feelings in a discussion twice this week and I now feel like anything I say will be wrong. If I ask to many questions, I am nosey, not enough, I am disinterested. I talked about my friend a few times and her new boyfriend and for the life of me I don't know why it seemed to upset him. Right now we aren't speaking. I feel nuts sometimes. I have some major insecurity issues, alot of them brought on by his EA 4-5 years ago. He finally talked about if a few months ago, limited discussion, he didn't love her, it was just counselling to him, he was going to leave me but not for her. Its in the past, he didn't do anything wrong. I thought I could get passed it but it seems to haunt me terribly, I want to get it out of my system but don't feel I can ask any questions, will make him made. Lately I seem to question him alot about who his calling, at first he was flattered, now I stopped cause if just makes him mad I can't trust him. Other than his EA I don't think I have real reason not to. He is an excellent man, good husband, father. He prayed for years and stuck by me even though I wasn't a great wife. I was distant, resentful, cold. I want things to be good again. I don't want to fight anymore with him, I feel things are falling apart again. I also feel like I am doing all the work, is that my punishment for the years I refused him? I am so confused. When I try to explain my feelings he looks at me like I am nuts and has no answers. I wrote him trying to get everything out, he read it half heartedly and never really mentioned it. I need some direction, where to start, how to get over something that happened along time ago and should not keep coming back affecting me.
And now, I'm going to ask you to move your post over to Infidelity General Questions II...it's the forum which gets the most traffic and I believe a lot of your issues from the last five years are from infidelity...which can be in the mind, still makes it in the marriage.
This also pertains to the cell issue, as well.
Who did your WH have an A with four to five years ago with? Until you have reality...names (first and last), position, where they met, how they conducted this EA (through email, by cell, mail, pidgeon communications...in person, where, how, etc.)...then you can't get to the reality of his choices...nor heal yourself or your marriage.
Same for now...sounds like you know your WH lies to you. Otherwise, you won't be looking for proof of lies...dishonesty...exaggeration or discounting. That's my take. Is that what you're doing?
In both posts, you chose your actions/words based on his possible reaction. Would you say that's a reasonable, autonomous way to live? Or is that choice, to live that way, what hurts you at every turn?
Your WH can feel anger...doesn't mean the end of love. The opposite. He can feel frustration, fear, guilt, shame...lots of stuff...doesn't mean you're doing it to him. He feels it. Respect him to feel what he's gonna feel...his feelings come to him from his beliefs, which are about him and for him. Not you. If you are focused on managing his emotions...do you resent when he doesn't manage yours?
From what I read, in your half of the marriage, you have tolerated a lot of abuse...and given some. Would you like to learn how much power you have, from seeing what you choose and what you don't? Learn about boundaries, healthy marriages and thriving lives?
Have you guys had MC or IC in your 21-year marriage? How about home study guides, like Dr Harley offers? Do you read a lot about how to have a great marriage?
How about gashlighting? Know anything about that?
I ask all this because I sure didn't when I got here...and you are twice brave...to post in February with no response (Resolving Conflict has very little traffic); and brave again, posting today. Now you picked Other Topics...which has even LESS traffic than Resolving Conflict...and both of your posts (in my perception) were related to possible infidelity or affair-proofing your marriage. Are you afraid to post in GQ? Do you have a pattern of sabotaging what you want most?
I did. I'm not pointing fingers...and if you'll move your post to where you can get the most help...I'll follow and repost this reply, 'k?
You're worth the time, effort, interest and respect, Sas.
You can do this.
LA
