MEDC recommended that I ask you all for help in my sitch. I've recently received a lot of support from Longhorn, Orchid, Strivn, rwinger ... sorry if I left anyone else out. I am very grateful for the help I've received, but it can't hurt to ask for more can it?

LINK TO MY THREAD

Please help! I don't know what else I can do ... I really do want to save my M and do what's best.

TFC - I'm sorta browsing your thread - would you mind doing a summary of your situation?

Sure!

Me: EA/PA lasted 2.5 mos - DDay 12/26/06 - NC in place since DDay
Him: revenge EA/PA? lasted 1.5 mos - exposed - NC in place since 4/12/07 (except OW sent TM 5/24/07 - H didn't respond)

I am in IC and have been in Plan A for quite some time now. I am dedicated to making this M work. H continues talking to numerous women, even after my request that he not. He seems to be working on the M to my face, but I continually find out that he's acting very single behind my back.

Happy to provide more info ... let me know!

see my note on the other thread. Your plan A has been very short...and you have seen progress from him...you do run a very high risk of divorce with Plan B right now.

Communicate your concerns to him. Let him know what you know and let him know that it is a boundary of yours and POJA the issue. I am assuming he has NOT had an affair with the women he is talking to now... if he has... ignore this post.
Why do you think he is talking to women and acting single??? I know I probably would if I were in his shoes too.... why??? His self esteem was shattered... he is most likely looking for afirmation from others. Doesn't make it right... but it does make it understandable.
So, what are you going to do? Go dark and you may push him right into an A where none exists right now. He does not feel safe with you right now and is most likely testing you. This is not a sam to you TFC... but your having an affair has brought a lot of uncertainty to his life. He is damaged right now. So, do you cause more damage by walking away or do you show him love and kindness while enforcing boundaries? I would say the latter is your best bet...

Tough calls that is why I suggested you reaching out to others here. They will steer you right.

MEDC

He's still living at home TFC?

TFC,

A revenge A always makes recovery a bit of a mess. You have hurt him and he has hurt you, and neither of you trusts the other.

Ok, if you knew that he loved you but was deeply hurt and uncertain as MEDC suggest, would that help? If you knew that you love him, but you are uncertain would that help you?

These seem like silly questions don't they? Further I haven't said a thing about your H have I?

Here is my point. You cannot control your H's decisions and how or if he recovers. What you can do is realize that you do love him and you have CONFIDENCE that if he gives you a chance you will use what you have learned here to make the marriage better. Further, I think you can safely assume he has love for you, or he would be gone. But, YOU know that he is confused and hurt.

So, this one is easy. You relax and give this time. You act with GRACE, you continue to learn; CONFIDENT that if you get the chance you will be great W to him and if he leaves some man is going to be very very lucky to have you. That is your goal TFC GRACE and CONFIDENCE. They both come from knowledge and the realization that we all mess up and MOST will eventually figure out that we did.

When he is around...enjoy it. Smile, speak softly, touch him, laugh when you feel like crying and be CALM. Show him what you have learned not with words but actions and yes even restraint, that is the definition of GRACE.

Time and patience coupled with GRACE and CONFIDENCE often wins the war, and the biggest battle you fight is within you. It is your fear, it is your guilt, it is your uncertainty. Have confidence that you can handle whatever happens. Have confidence that your goal is good. Have confidence that you can show him what he cannot show you right now...grace.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

He is Big K ...

Pep! I think we have a new "Notable Post" here ...

JL - Thank you so much for this refreshing outlook. It has been difficult to practice any of these things over the last week or so, but I will try. If it will save my M, I will give it my best.

TFC... this could take months... expect it and you will be able to handle the ups and downs better. Progress will not be measured in days...this is a long battle and hopefully you both come out of it well.

While you are calm and rational, write out for yourself what your plan is... and when things get frustrating... and they will, you will have the written thoughts to help calm you down.

bumping for more help today .... please???

TFC,

What do you need help with? Seriously, what is it you don't know and understand? Are you confused or just uncertain?

God Bless,

JL

Scared, confused, completely unsure ... I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Not sure where to go, what to do, how to act. I am lost, completely lost. I am conflicted by the facts and my feelings. The facts say that my H has been having inappropriate behaviors since long before my A leaving my head saying "GO!", but my heart still wants in this M! How can I get some peace?

TFC,

You don't KNOW that he has had inappropriate relations before your A. What you do know is that the marriage wasn't what you wanted and perhaps not what he wanted.

So let's take that second statement as a fact. How would you act in a marriage that you wanted to be in? How would you behave if you thought your H might love you? What things in your life bring you joy, besides your H and your marriage? What are you goals: professionally, personally, family wise, and spiritually?

Let's focus on YOU and what YOU can control shall we? You don't have to make the decision yet. I will tell you something very important. I have observed in my life that when a BIG decision came up, if I was calm, collected the data, and examined the options...there was only one correct decision. I could have chosen a variety of paths, but I would have been going against many things that clearly were not in my best interest.

So let's see if you can get your focus back, get your feet on the ground, and get you quieted enough for you to collect the data you need, and see if the BIG decisions really are decisions. That my dear is really what MB is about you know.

Quieting down, calming down, focusing on the important things and collecting data. THEN, you can make decisions. Harley's feelings were that too many people made the decision to divorce WITHOUT reflection, data, or thought. He felt if they did these things, fewer divorces would occur and more marriages would not only survive but would grow.

So do we have the outline of a plan, TFC?

God Bless,

JL