ML -- POC (point of contact) - sorry! This is her highly respected girlfriend whom I spoke with this evening. When my WW comes home, I will call friend and she will come by in person as I desired!

WW is NOT a workplace affair -- I am still trying to find employer of OM though -- he works in a school system about 25 minutes from town here.

He has not lived in Cali for long, so when I did a Background check, it still references his previous residence - Baltimore MD. Nothing in Cali shows up -- even his cell phone registers in MD.

Am I on track in what actions I should be taking at this time? Plan A??????

Thanks for the reply - ML

You are doing good, swade! Can you call the schools main headquarters and ask for Human resources? You would want to expose to Human Resources and the school superintendent and perhaps the principal.

Pijoitos:

You know, I think I beg to differ. I guess we would have to define "love", but just as affairs are so enticing and potentially addictive for the waywards, so are the feelings of love.

I really think I could make someone easily fall in love with me, or at least "think" they are in love with me. I don't know, but I have seen it happen. There was a very attractive ER nurse who I was always very nice to, flirted innocently with, was very complimentary to regarding her professional work, treated her very kindly as oppossed to many other [censored] MD's......this all over a course of a few months and scattered interactions.....she got to see the "best of me"...acting like some hero with my hands in someone's chest in a trauma, etc....all of the BS that TV drama medical shows depcict she saw and created some vision of me that was not real. She told me recently that she thought she loved me and wanted to leave her fiance for me. Granted, this was NOT my intention, and was NOT consciously aware that I was treading on this dangerous ground with her. I am involved in a very serious relationship and as sad as this realization is, I have come full circle regarding my thoughts on affairs and potential for them. I had no intentions of having an affair with her (and I techincally didn't), but somewhere, somehow she thought she was in love with me. Obviously I had to correct this situation that I helped foster. At the drop of a hat, I could have had this woman and potentitally damaged multiple families and two weddings.

You don't think it can happen to you....it can. I think all of us can make ANYONE fall in love with us. The trick is making our wifes/husbands/significant others do.

I have come to accept now that WE ALL could have an affair. You don't think it could happen to you....BUT IT CAN. I was one of those who said it couldn't.....no way no how. It can, we are all human. It didn't happen, but if I am honest....IT COULD HAVE.

The solution: REMOVE YOURSELF FROM ANY SITUATION THAT COULD MAKE YOU VULNERABLE.

Lem

Well that's certainly something of a surprise.



Did you REALLY mean to word it like that? You've left yourself wide open here. What I would have said is:

treated her very kindly as oppossed to many other MD's who acted like [censored]...

LM,

Maybe you're right. I think I'm falling in love with you.

I do think that we can entice people to fall "in love" with us. There is a whole "player's culture" dedicated to it. But it isn't really love in the sense I believe in love. OM certainly made my WW fall in love with him. He did it through lies and deception. When it was over, what was left? A wake of destruction.

My point to swade is that I think it is a bad idea to try to romance his wife right now. If he becomes those things she loves in a man, then yes he can "make her fall in love with him". But they have to be real things. He can't just be a chamelion to woo her. His WW has free will. Who we love is often strange. You might love a person who makes me ask myself "what is WRONG with you?". We are all attracted to different things.

The other side of this I know from my own experience. The BS is very impatient and wants to see results. If the BS goes out of his/her way to romance the WS, the response will not be immediately positive in most cases. This results in frustration and anger which becomes immediately counter-productive. So now the BS says no metter what he does, WW is not corresponding. I don't believe she will respond favorably while she is still grieving the loss of her affair partner.

Our MC told us to go out for "romantic" evenings. Of course, our MC didn't realize that WW was active in the A and couple that with the fact that our MC was a complete idiot and, well, you get what you get.



I'm not sure I've ever said that. I know it could. In my case I think I have a pretty good radar for distinguishing reality from fantasy. So yes I would either remove myself quickly or avoid it completely. But I'm not sure if it is the other person compelling me to fall in love or me allowing myself to explore my own vulnerabilities. For example, I know that if a co-worker (woman) came to me and started discussing very personal problems in her life, I would develop a quick attachment. There is no doubt I would start to develop feelings of "love". That is because I am weak in this regard. I've always been a "helper". This is an inherited curse. But I know this ahead of time so I know I can't allow the discussion.

But in your case did this woman lure you into falling for her or was it something in your own nature combined with extraordinary events that brought this about? Nature vs. nuture.

IMO swade's WW is going to decide some day whether she loves him again or not. Plan A is intended to maximize that opportunity but, at the end of the day, it will be her choice whether she does or not. My belief is that swade will best be served to focus on companionship and friendship at the moment and not try to force WW to love him. In my sitch, once I stopped trying to force the romantic element, WW became much more comfortable in simply tolerating the same space I was occupying at any give time.

Small steps.

Pijoitos;

Let me apologize and clarify something. I didn't say you ever said that "it could never happen to you"...actually I said that. And I was wrong. I happent to agree with your opinion here, but was just trying to bring up an issue with regards to "falling in love". I think you and I have had our disagreements about things, and will probably continue to disagree, but in reality, I think we are much more similar than you believe.

On a side note, I want you to know that I am sincerely happy that you were able to salvage your marriage and get you and your wife on a road to recovery. We may disagree about things, but NEVER about something like that.

LM

P.S. "Did you REALLY mean to word it like that? You've left yourself wide open here. What I would have said is:treated her very kindly as oppossed to many other MD's who acted like [censored]... ....Yeah, that is what I meant <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well obviously you know which side I fall on this issue but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Oh what the heck. I'll still give you the benefit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



It has been an uphill struggle. I hope I will be able to look back while watching DD2 graduate from college with WW sitting at my side and believe it was all worth it. I wish I could say the same for DD1 but unfortunately, in her case, it will likely be a keg party at her beauty school graduation. I certainly hope she marries well.

That's a great question, and I can only conclude that since I let it happen, there is something in my "nature" combined with a job like mine that could make it happen. Kind of has me shaken a bit. My fiance is more non chalant about it and alot more calm about it than I would have been. Kind of weird. Our experiences make us who we are.

Lem

Nice posts Lem.

So then you are at least entertaining the idea that this nurse did not make you fall in love with her. You allowed yourself. Possibly.

I understand what you mean. Unless you are in your profession for money only, then you have a "weak" nature in that it hurts you to see others suffer. Otherwise you wouldn't have chosen the path you did. This is my weakness anyway so it is one I understand. I have had four different women approach me this way in my career and all four times I started to develop feelings. Each time I stopped it more quickly than the last. If I had been exposed to a situation like this during the past year and a half, I would definitely have crossed the line. I knew I was ripe for an A so I avoided all contact with women. It could still happen. I still have a lot of scars from this event. Just because things are better between gemela and I does not mean I am safe. In fact, I bet I am at greater risk than you are. You likely just have more exposure than I do.

I have spent a couple of years working in a hospital. It was better than Peyton Place if you like soap operas.

swade,

ML is giving you great advice. Stay with it. I do want to say that I sense a certain panic in your posts. I recognize this from my own experience. I just want to say calm down. I will reiterate that, right now, there is very little action you can take that will make things worse. Stop walking on eggshells. Just like diving. Plan the dive - dive the plan. Work on patience. Chill.

Well. I might change my mind on this. One disadvantage you have is that you are already in a highly emotionally charged environment by default. It is far easier for you to approach the line than for me because you always work closer to it.

My best recommendation to you is simply become an [censored] like everyone else. Easy and effective. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I gotcha drift -- I am just doing the Plan A (ON MYSELF) and playing it cool.

Keeping calm attitude
Reading my HNHN book
Waiting for SAA to arrivie on Fri
Documenting WW outings and check against future cell phone records!
Speak cordially to WW
Taking care of kids and house affairs!

I must say this A is the best weight loss plan I have been on -- looking slim! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I lost 22 pounds in 4 weeks. I was able to fit into my WW's jeans it was that bad. Now, even though I've gained some weight back, I can still get into her jeans on a regular basis.

Oh and thanks. I do appreciate it.

Swade,

Keep posting. I'm going for the weekend with WW. I had planned to lie around in Bahrain basking in the sun and drinking beer. I now see that Typhoon Gonu will be arriving in Bahrain shortly after me so I guess I'll only be able to accomplish 50% of my goal. Good thing we will be on the 11th floor! I'll check back Saturday.

Since D-day 9 days ago, WW still has a difficult time in going NC.

We spoke 2 hrs last night, spending some time filling out the EN questionnaire. WW did admit that OM contacted her via txt msg stating "he was miserable" not seeing her.

My WW tries to use my past WH bevavior (11 yrs ago) to justify trying to let this A "fizzle out" instead of going NC as I have requested. She always tries to place the focus on what I did instead of her current situation.

Q: Aside from working Plan A and getting some independent counseling, is there anything else I should do? Again, I have exposed to everyone influential I know.

Do I ride out my plan A timeline and then implement plan B?

Given that WW still has password on cell phone -- think I should shut the phone off? The bill is in my name so I can at least see the contact if any!

If I shut it off, WW says she will get her own phone! Then I will be in a dogfight to monitor the bill in her name!

I finally found OMs work place -- I will expose on Monday while WW is at work!

WW is going shopping shortly -- little does she know that I will go with her at the last minute. She will probably hate this!

Meanwhile, I will still continue in Plan A for now given that D-Day was 12 days ago, exposure has been executed to no real effectiveness.

WW did mention OM was leaving town for the summer to go visit his kids on east coast (I am in Cali). This will give me time to still work Plan A -- that cell phone is my dilemma for now!!!

swade, I would let her know that you won't be able to sit around while her affair "fizzles." There is only room for 2 ppl in a marriage, not 3 and this won't work.

It seems to me that it is in your best interest to leave the phone ON so you can monitor her activity.

Does your wife work?

What is the counseling for?

good idea.... I like this !